Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I am so angry and upset I can barely breath. Can anyone help

(53 Posts)
beyonddistressed Sun 21-Sep-08 19:10:21

Am a namechanger due to the personal nature of this post, but I am a regular and could really do with some help.

My father acted very inappropriately when I was growing up and my own mother did nothing to protect me. It wasn't as serious as some people go through but he used to encourage me to masturbate, would pour water over my private parts when he bathed me, showed me porn regularly and when he overheard me say to a friend age 13 that I was nervous about how I would kiss a boy when it came to it, he (a few days later) stuck his tongue in my mouth and said I was rubbish at kissng.

My mother knew all this and did very little to stop it. In addition they were verbally abusive calling me a slut and not allowing me to put my toothbrush near theirs in the bathroom in case "I gave them aids".

It is only after I had my DS that I realised how serious their behaviour was. They live 300 miles away from me now and my Dad had a stroke a few years back so is disabled. Even so DP and I still do not want them around DS so contact has been limited to emails and photo sending. My mother has asked me to visit on numerous occasions but I have always thought of excuses. However I have recently got back in touch with some people on my mothers side of the family whom she fell out with years ago, who live near me and I think she is upset and angry over this. I have never mentioned the abuse and how sick it makes me feel so in her head I am a nasty uncaring daughter.

The final straw today is that I am going to uni tomorrow to study something nursing related so I can have a better job and DS can have a better future. DP was made redundant a few weeks ago so not great timing but I worked hard to get into uni as a mature student and was so excited I was finally going. My mother has now sent me a nasty email saying that I am a bad mother for going to uni as we will have no money and that she will not bail me out if I ask (I have been totally self sufficient for 10 years). She feels sorry for my DS who will now not get everything he needs. She asked if "I can be bothered" to get my photos developed as she has not had one in a while and was basically so nasty she has now taken the shine off uni for me.

DP says I should have it out with her about everything but my grandmother (her mother) has a serious heart condition and if she finds out it could literally kill her. My aunt (my mothers sister) is the one who I recently got back in touch with and I am thinking maybe I should confide in her, but is it too soon for this? I just feel so horrible inside now. None of this is my fault and I don't know how much longer I can cope with this inner turmoil. I feel like crying and crying tonight when I should be so excited about uni tomorrow sad

Sorry this has been so long. I just don't know what to do anymore

nickytwotimes Sun 21-Sep-08 19:17:21

beyond, what happened to you was serious abuse. Your father, who should have protected you, did horrible things to you. You should contact rape crisis - they have specially trained people who work with thise of us who were abused.
You have done so well - you have a successful relationship and child and have managed to get a uni place - no mean feat given your background.
if you decide to confront your family, get some back up first if you can, because you may well be called a liar, etc, because they will not want to accept that this happened.

Your mother should be supporting you in going to uni. Alll your child needs is a roof over his head and your love, so he is absolutely fine.

Please try to get some help as these issues need sorted if you are to have any relationship with soem of your family.

DaisySteiner Sun 21-Sep-08 19:17:43

You poor thing sad She's wrong, you know, and completely poisonous.

I would cut contact with her completely and think about getting some counselling to help you get over what they did.

Please try and enjoy tomorrow.

JuneBugJen Sun 21-Sep-08 19:17:51

Oh my god. You poor thing.

Why do nice people like you turn out so well with fuckwit parents like them.

Be excited about uni. Don't let your shitty past swamp over your future. Perhaps the aunt is not the right person to discuss this with. has the uni any cousellors who you could discuss all this with?

BoysAreLikeDogs Sun 21-Sep-08 19:19:33

I think you have done the right thing by keeping DS away from them, they sound vile.

I am so sad for the loss of innocence in your childhood.


LittleMissNorty Sun 21-Sep-08 19:19:38

OMG you poor need to confide or speak to someone...your mother and father don't deserve ANY sort of relationship with you. How about counselling?

and ignoring your mother of course hmm...I'm amazed you keep in touch at all tbh

You'll be fine tomorrow....all the very best....please don't let you mother spoil this great opportunity for you.

I really hope someone will be along with some good advice for you soon...I'm rubbish at this but couldn't just read and not post....

nickytwotimes Sun 21-Sep-08 19:20:01

try here for further info

trefusis Sun 21-Sep-08 19:23:04

Message withdrawn

AnnasBananas Sun 21-Sep-08 19:23:27

If your mother knew about what was going on and did nothing to stop it that's child abuse, clear cut. Just as vile as what your father was doing to, IMO.

You need to cut them out of your life, they sound like a toxic influence you would hardly leave your DS with them would you, like you could if you had a normal parent/grandparent relationship.

It's up to you if you 'have it out' with her. She could just deny it all, re-write history and believe her own lies. You might feel even worse if you unload all that emotional history and get it thrown back in your face as lies. What a crap thing to say you are a crap mother to be going to uni, you are bettering yourself for your on good and the benefit of your family. You haven't even asked for financial support!!!

Stay away, she sounds poisonous and a narcissist to boot.

whomovedmychocolate Sun 21-Sep-08 19:24:02

You are not what your parents did or said to you. You have made your own life. Do not let someone who was complicit in the destruction of your innocence and childhood destroy your successes now.

People don't die btw of shock, it's a bit of a myth. I would suggest she's probably known or suspected for a long time. Besides which, why would she get to hear about it - if you went to see your parents and had it out with them and then left they are hardly going to go tell her are they 'oh yes we practically raped our daughter and so she was mean to us last week'.

It's up to you if you want to confide in your aunt but bear in mind you may destroy her relationship with your parents and yourself by doing so. Perhaps you first need to talk to a professional about this - rape crisis centres, there is a big list of folks who can help you here.

Good luck at uni, you deserve this chance, you have had too much taken from you in your life, it's time to take something for yourself.

beyonddistressed Sun 21-Sep-08 19:25:15

I am trying so hard. I was so excited but now I feel rubbish sad. I tell my DS I love him every day and that I am proud of him, my parents have never said that to me. Not once.

I saw a counsellor a year or so ago and discussed this with her but in my first session she said she would have to contact the police if he was ever in contact with other kids. He isn't so I said he wasn't and never went back. I somehow felt bad that I could be the one responsible for the police turning up to a disabled mans house.

Maybe I will see if I can see a counsellor as uni, but I don't know if I can risk the police thing again. I have tried very hard to just forget but over the years this has really eaten away at me. Especially with this sort of email as well. In her eyes I really am the bad one. And yes Nicky, I think they would accuse me of lying too to make matters worse angry

Tortington Sun 21-Sep-08 19:26:41

why do you entertain this woman - 300 miles is a long way =

change your e-mail address and mobile number and get caller id.

do not entertain this woman - you are contributing to this drama - ignore her

do not entertain a person who stood by and watched you and contributed to your childhood abuse

dear god woman, sometimes even your own mother is not deserving of that title.

Twiglett Sun 21-Sep-08 19:26:53

email back and say "I will not take parenting advice from someone like you and you know why. I will send you photographs when they get developed."

MrsMattie Sun 21-Sep-08 19:28:20

I'm so sorry to hear what you went through as a child.

I don't have any good advice for you, but I felt I had to post to say you have done nothing wrong, in fact, I admire you hugely for keeping your child away from your abusive, poisonous parents, for standing on your own two feet and for trying to better your prospects at university. You are a good person and a good mother.

I hope you can find some support through this, as you deserve it - nobody should have to face up to their abusers or go through the pain of dealing with these issues full stop, without some decent support. Good luck.

Twiglett Sun 21-Sep-08 19:28:23

then block her email address so that it goes into junk and you can read as and when you feel strong

verybigbird Sun 21-Sep-08 19:28:53

I'm with the others. Go to Uni tomorrow and do your best to have a fabulous time, socially and academically. Don't let these people - who do not deserve to be able to call themselves "parents" - put a tarnish on your exciting plans for you & your family's future. What you are doing is great; you will develop personally and be in a better position to provide for your family when you qualify. What better example to set your DS?

Good luck to you.

nickytwotimes Sun 21-Sep-08 19:31:15

You don't have to go down the Police route if you don't want to. It would help if you got someone with knowledge of childhood sexual abuse to talk things through with. You are far from alone.
There are books too if you are reticent about talking. i found "The Courage To Heal" by Ellen Davis and Laura Bass excellent.

And to repeat what others said, your parents are toxic and do not deserve your time or your kindness.

StealthPolarBear Sun 21-Sep-08 19:31:46

Your parents sound terrible but you haven't yet realised that none of this is your fault and you are innocent - completely innocent. Yes your dad might be disabled but that doesn't change the fact that he committed a dreadful crime against someone he was upposed to protect.
I'm sorry, this thread must be really hard for you to read. From the little you have written I get the impression you are a million times better parent to your DS than either of your parents were to you.

beyonddistressed Sun 21-Sep-08 19:32:42

I don't think my grandparents had or have any idea as my parents fell out with them years ago and only got back on touch a few years ago. They never lived near enough to see anything so I suspect they would be in huge shock if they knew. Ditto my Aunt - my mother does not speak to her either.

I wish I could be brave enough to cut off all contact but I have some weird misguided loyalty. I know my mother has a shit life looking after my dad and as she moved away, also has no friends or support network. In a warped way I would feel guilty for stopping contact as her life is bad enough. Why do I even care?

chocolatemummy Sun 21-Sep-08 19:33:46

you are trying to make a better future for yourself and your family and there is nothing (bad mother) about that!
I too start uni tomorrow and I have a dd and we will be skint but its to make our future more stable, more opportunities and more income and I want my dd to be proud of me and what I do and I want to be a good example, all the things 'I am sure' you feel aswell. Your parents sound awful and I am suprised you even let them have photos, what gives her the right to speak to you like that? I am not suprised you feel sick, probably with anger

ActingNormal Sun 21-Sep-08 19:36:16

Well done for getting in to Uni smile. You are doing a good thing and I can't see that it is going to harm your DS. It will probably make you a happier Mummy and if you get a better job at the end of it with more money DS will have more materially as well.

IMO your 'mother' is just jealous! It doesn't sound as though she is very intelligent when she said she could 'get aids' from your toothbrush.

The way your parents have treated you is absolutely awful and wrong and you are right not to let them have contact with your DS. I think you have been strong to stick to your boundaries about this. They are lucky you have any contact with them at all!

Don't let her spoil your happiness about Uni! She is not worth it! The opinion of a person who can treat their daughter the way she has treated you is worth absolutely nothing! angry

I know how awful it feels when you don't feel able to say to your parents what happened and how it made you feel. They showed they didn't value your feelings at the time by doing the things they did - which was abuse - by your mother (emotional abuse) as well as your father - and your mum not doing anything about it (this is neglect) and then acting like nothing has happened up til now and expecting you to 'act normal'. By not saying anything it feels like you are agreeing with them that your feelings are unimportant and it is hard to have any self esteem when you feel like that.

I feel so frustrated for you when I read that if you say what you want to say you feel you could put your grandmother's health/life at risk and then you would have to cope with the guilt. It is like you are in a prison of silence. I really don't know what to say about that, don't know what I would do in that situation.

I do know that not talking about childhood abuse and repressing the feelings really messes you up and I really hope that you will find somebody you can talk to. A therapist would probably be best and talking to someone impartial and trained to deal with these issues might help you decide what and how much you want to say to your parents.

Beetroot Sun 21-Sep-08 19:37:39

What an awful situation.

Can you be strong and ignore the email? Then let her gointo spam if she ever tries to coantac tyou?

I think you will be stronger for no contact.

Uni is a great step. great fo you , ds and dp

I wouldn't advise talking to our aunt though.

Good luck tomorrow

Beetroot Sun 21-Sep-08 19:39:08

BD - she isnot worth hour care and loyatly

WinkyWinkola Sun 21-Sep-08 19:39:50

You have already made a better future for yourself and your DS by being a caring, loving and attentive mother. You are obviously a very strong person.

Going back to study is an amazing thing to do. It takes real guts and I think you're amazing for doing it. Well done. That's brilliant.

Your father totally abused you. Your mother stood by. I would avoid contact with them at all costs. They have done enough damage. Do not let them cast any darkness over what should be a very happy time for you, fulfilling your goals. It's over for them. Do not feel any guilt. I would not let my child anywhere near people like that nor would I send photographs to a paedophile.

You owe them NOTHING. You owe yourself and your son everything, including your happiness.

Take care and really enjoy your first day at university tomorrow. YOu can do it!

LittleMissNorty Sun 21-Sep-08 19:40:14

I can understand this misguided loyalty thing (a bit) so take Twiglett's advice and put in an e-mail that you think she knows deep down why you act as you do and that she knows you could make things an awful lot worse if you wanted to......etc etc....just writing down what you feel about them may help.....will probably hit a nerve with her?

Do you have any siblings?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now