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Is it fair that my mil wants to take dd for afternoon and not ds?

(31 Posts)
MrsKing Sun 21-Sep-08 16:32:42

I am a sahm with DD (4.5) at school and DS (2.5) at home.

My mil who I get on with very well also has two grandsons (her daughters children). When daughters first child was born she went to part time hours to look after GC whilst daughter at work and then looked after both until recently. They are now at school.

To be honest my DD and DS have never spent that much time with her because Granny was always been busy looking after other GC and too tired when not. She also spends most Saturdays with daughter and other GC. As a sahm I have largely accepted that they are my children are my/husbands sole responsibility and apart from very occasionally (docs appointment etc) have not asked for any help.

Now I find that as mil is no longer looking after other GC children during day she has offered to pick up my DD only and take her back to hers have dinner and bring her back later on. I asked about my DS and she said no she wanted one on one time with my DD. She already picks up both her other GC from school one night week.

Am I over-reacting that my DS will get no time at all with her? He is very sweet and is very fond of his granny. I know he will be very upset to see his big sister and not him out with Granny. Besides that he spends 5 days a week on his own with me and he could do with a break!

Thanks for reading!

chunkychips Sun 21-Sep-08 16:39:39

I would probably go along with it this time, but if your ds doesn't get his turn, then would say to her that it upsets him and you too much. Can't have favouritism like that. She may genuinely want time with each on their own to get to know them if she hasn't had much contact so far.

bronze Sun 21-Sep-08 16:40:18

I think it depends if its favouritism on her part.
My dcs dont stay with just Granny on their own until they are three. Its been the same with each of them and because of this I know its not favouritism. Now more than one is over three she only ever has one at a time so she can have quality time with them (except in rare circumstances).
Do you think she will have your DS one on one when hes older?

chocolatemummy Sun 21-Sep-08 16:41:42

well I have been in similar situation with my own mum, she spent years looking after my sisters three children and has said frequently that she is getting older and too tired and doesnt want to be looking after my dd because she wears her out. I found it hard as she was there for my sister but not really me, BUT I have found that because i don't/haven't relied on her so much as my sister did she makes a real effort with my dd now and does lots of lovely things with her and it really is special one to one time, I am sure your MIL will want to do the same with your ds as he gets a little older and more interactive? or dont you think?

MrsKing Sun 21-Sep-08 16:50:09

To be honest there is a lot more 'helping' with my sil's children. My DD actually thought for a while that her cousins actually lived at Grannys, lol.

My mil is also in bad health so I never like to ask her to help but that doesn't stop my sil asking.

Things have also come to a head because I am expecting DC3 and have just found out that so is my sil. We are all expecting that mil will probably also look after their new baby and its bugging me on two levels. Firstly, my mil isn't up to it and also that the other GC won't get a look in.

I do appreciate that there is probably not much I can do about it but I feel there is favouritism and I don't think thats nice when it comes to GC. My sil is their favourite in case you were wondering.....

aGalChangedHerName Sun 21-Sep-08 16:55:26

My mum made a favourite out of my db's eldest dd and left out the younger dd.

Now eldest GC is older and doesn't want to visit for weekends my mother is looking for a replacement. Which is where my eldest dd comes in. She is asking to have dd1 for a few hours during the day at the weekend with a view to her staying overnight or during holidays.

I have so far avoided sending her as i do not want to fall out with her over it.I won't allow my mother to make a favourite out of dd1 whilst ignoring dd2.

If they are not going to be treated equally and given time with nana then she won't be allowed to take dd1 to her house.

Added to that she has 2 dogs,one of which needs a muzzle "in case he bites" and also my db's new gf is a nutter who goes for nights out "tooled up" so it's never really gonna happen!! lol

FluffyMummy123 Sun 21-Sep-08 16:58:05

Message withdrawn

MrsKing Sun 21-Sep-08 17:01:14

I think it is nice too, but worry that she doesn't want it with DS. She could spend time with him any afternoon but she hasn't. Why just want to take DD?

aGalChangedHerName Sun 21-Sep-08 17:02:20

Yes Cod but not just the samr child all the time?

FluffyMummy123 Sun 21-Sep-08 17:03:04

Message withdrawn

Mercy Sun 21-Sep-08 17:03:25

It would be unfair if the next time she offers to look after your dd again rather than your ds. They should be able to to take turns to visit her.

My pils once wanted to take my dd on holiday with them but not my ds (not that I would allow them to take either of them but that's a whole different thread).

aGalChangedHerName Sun 21-Sep-08 17:06:48

My 2 dd's are 2 and 4. My mother quite happily looks after my db's ds who is 2 years also. So no reason not to have them equal visits.

Difference is i know that it is a favourite thing and nothing to do with age. sad

AbbeyA Sun 21-Sep-08 17:27:34

It really depends on whether she is going to give DS time on his own. I think it is lovely if they can spend time with grandparents without a sibling there (for both sides) but not if they are a favourite.

chocolatemummy Sun 21-Sep-08 17:35:03

totally agree with AbbeyA, one to one time with grandparents is special and valuable but not if its because that child is their favourite.
I think in my case the whole GP looking after my sisters 3 kids and not being that willing to look after my one is that my sister had her 3 before i had my dd and my mum is that bit older and my stepdad is fed up with the grandchildren one after another,
First come first served anyone! lol thats how it seems sometimes

sayithowitis Sun 21-Sep-08 17:47:42

If it is only ever going to be dd visiting Granny, then I would say no. If however, she intends to have ds at some point, I don't see a problem. It may be that she really does not want to have a toddler at the moment, or is not sure that your ds will go happily with her and leave you behind. I know that at that age neither of my ds would have gone with someone who is not that well known to them. Only you will know whether it is more likely that she only wants dd or if she will give ds a turn at a later time. My MIL only ever looked after our 2 ds on five occasions and they are now 19 and 17! Even on the day DS2 was born, having agreed to look after DS!, she left us in the lurch in favour of a hair appointment! She has always lookedafter all her other 4 GC, even taking time off work to do so, something we would never have had the cheek to ask! My boys are not that bothered about her now, preferring instead to spend time with my mum who has always treated them equally with her other GC. For what its worth, the equality hasn't always been the same treat at the same time. My Mum has always tried to have time with each of her GC individually and treats have been tailored to their individual tastes, so one may have a theatre trip this year but the other may go to a football match next year. It always evens out in the end though!
Good luck sorting your MIL out! smile

MrsKing Sun 21-Sep-08 17:47:54

Well, I guess there is no way of knowing if DS will eventually get time with her on his own.

As I have already stated, once sil has another baby we all think mil will look after that when daughter has gone back to work. When she looked after other GC before neither DD and DS got a look in. DD is only GD (at the moment!), not sure if that has anything to do with it.

chocolatemummy Sun 21-Sep-08 17:52:00

oh yes probably then, my MIL was thrilled when my dd was born because she was/is the only girl in the family but she seemes fairly equal in her attentions to the GC, she often talks about how she is looking forward to 'girly' outings, shopping and getting nails done etc when dd is a little older...natural I think

sayithowitis Sun 21-Sep-08 17:53:30

I think I would want to know what is going to happen when SIL baby arrives: it would be most unfair on your DD if she is suddenly 'dropped' in favour of the new baby! I would have to ask what their plans are so that DD isn't put in that situation and you aren't left trying to explain to a 5 year old, why granny no longer wants her now the baby is here!sad

lilacclaire Sun 21-Sep-08 17:54:43

Maybe her daughter has put pressure on her to watch her kids. You've said she's not in the best of health, so perhaps it would be too much hard work to have both of them iyswim, when its meant to be a 'pleasure' visit and not out of necessity (ie, babysitting so her daughter can go to work) then maybe she feels that she herself would have a better time with your dd on her own.
That said, would expect her to have your ds at some point also.
Can see why you feel put out, but tbh I feel sorry for her, sounds like her daughter is taking the piss a bit.

ActingNormal Sun 21-Sep-08 18:09:46

Can you not ask her "Will it be DS's turn next time on his own, so he isn't left out?"

TheFallenMadonna Sun 21-Sep-08 18:12:18

My MIL was too nervous to look after my DC until they were about 4.

TBH, it sounds to me like she is making a real effort to spend some enjoyable time with one of the grandchildren she doesn't see enough of, due to her other commitments.

MrsKing Sun 21-Sep-08 18:12:55

I agree, her daughter is definitely taking the mick. My DH and I always hear how tired she is and sometimes how she doesn't feel well, yet it NEVER stops her looking after other GC.

Daughter has said that baby will go to nursery but I can't see that happening. Mil is very protective of daughter and pil compensate for the fact that sil's DH isn't much of a family man and does nothing with kids. I also know that mil will go bananas if sil has a daughter and my kids (and my new baby) definitely won't get a look in then.

I think I need to let it go but it winds me up. I know if anything was said to them it would cause a row and make things worse and they would deny it anyway.

MrsKing Sun 21-Sep-08 18:13:50

I agree fallenmadonna but what about the other grandchild that she doesn't see her?

MrsKing Sun 21-Sep-08 18:14:59

Meant to say:

other grandchild that doesn't see her?

TheFallenMadonna Sun 21-Sep-08 18:20:27

OK. Obviously I know practically nothing about the situation, but perhaps she needs a break. Looking after a 2.5 yo is very different to a 4.5 yo. She didn't need to offer to take your dd after school, and the fact that she has suggests to me that she is aware of the discrepancy between the time she gives to your dc and that she gives to your SIL's. As I said, my ds stayed with PIL on his own when dd was young, and it was certainly nothing to do with favouritism. It was because she was harder work, and they were nervous. I think you should thank her kindly for her offer, and, if you think it is something your dd would enjoy, accept graciously. And see what happens as your ds gets older and new babies arrive.

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