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Need some wise words about my feelings towards dh

(36 Posts)
IBottleItUp Sun 21-Sep-08 09:15:23

I am in such a quandry, and its making me so sad (have namechanged)

I cannot figure out if I'm sad because of my mariage ,or my marriage is crap because I am sad.

My dh adores me. I mean, REALLy adores me. He always has. We have been together 20 years this year, he's my only partner.

Yet I go through these regular instances of 'shutting down' emotionally. Thats the only way I can describe it.

During these phases, I find him physically unattractive to the point where I cannot bear to be touched or cuddled and I feel myself flinch when he tries to kiss me.

To this end we have not had sex for weeks and weeks.

Usually its my 'desire' for sex that breaks this drought, but its not because I 'fancy' him per se, just because I need some. But then we do become closer again, it reactivates our closeness and things get back to normal.

But I keep having these feelings that we have nothing in common apart from the kids. We share a similar sense of humour. He tries so hard but just succeeeds in bugging me even more.

I appreciate this sounds so unreasonable of me, so please I don't want to hear You bitch! I know how horrible I sound. But I keep feeling like this, and I know its not fair on him.

In my really down times I feel cheated...cheated that I have never been with another man, cheated that my life feels so trapped, and I wonder whether we will stay together when the children have grown up.

We only get one life and I don't want to waste mine feeling like this anymore.

Sorry for the ramble....hope some sense can be gleaned from this.....

bamzooki Sun 21-Sep-08 09:28:46

I'm not sure I have much advice to give but I didn't want this to go unanswered.
Hopefully others will be along soon who have some better ideas, but what I wondered as I read was if you might be depressed? Have you ever spoken to your GP about it?

Anna8888 Sun 21-Sep-08 09:32:01

Please try to find a sympathetic counsellor to discuss your feelings with.

It sounds as if you are very bored with your life with your DH, while still fundamentally caring for him. I suspect you need to find some new interests and explore new horizons together because if you don't, you will end up exploring them alone (probably with another man).

IBottleItUp Sun 21-Sep-08 09:33:24

Thanks bamzooki for replying. Yes I am starting to wonder if I am depressed. I never thought I would be though! I'm always the solid one dishing out advice to everyone else.

But these feelings of despair/feelings of nothingness do not go away.

Dazedandconfuddled Sun 21-Sep-08 09:35:55

As the namechange suggests, I too am in this exact position, I mean really this exact position. I could have written this thread.
Not sure if that helps, but you are not alone.

IBottleItUp Sun 21-Sep-08 09:37:28

Thanks dazed. What are you doing about it, if anything? Have you been with your dh a long time too?

Dazedandconfuddled Sun 21-Sep-08 09:40:13

I have been with DH for ages and ages and he too is my only partner.
After my thread last night I think I've decided to speak to my gP. I obviously need help as this is so un-me. I'm scared witless of going onto AD's and scared that if I admit I can't cope then it will be a self fulfilling prophecy iyswim.
All I want to do is get into my car and drive away....

IBottleItUp Sun 21-Sep-08 09:44:08

Oh god, same here. I missed your thread last night.

My friend has just gone on AD's. And says they are fab. her Gp said all the AD's do is top up the hormones you are missing that help you control your moods.

But it feels like such a drastic measure, and how long term does it have to be?

Dazedandconfuddled Sun 21-Sep-08 09:46:49

I don't think it has to be long term, they withdraw them slowly to get you used to living without them, or so I believe. I feel strangely towards them as a couple of my friends have not reacted well, but that is just a couple of experiences.
If there is anyway I can get my email to you, without outing myself, then you would be welcome to mail me and chat. It feels 'good' to have someone who knows how you are feeling to chat to.

IBottleItUp Sun 21-Sep-08 09:48:54

I don't have that 'cat 'thing. Would post my email on here but its obvious what my name is.

What was your thread last night, I was trying to find it.

myermay Sun 21-Sep-08 09:49:19

i do think it's normal to get bored though, i often dread another night in and often find sex very the same, same way to kiss, etc etc. But i do think that the more sex you have the more you want - how about trying to spice things up!

Also i remember that i used to laugh all the time, and i sometimes feel that as lovely as Dh is, he's sometimes a bit boring and i have to instigate all days out, evenings out etc etc. I wish he'd sometimes just say " we all going to the beach today" or "i've booked here for dinner" - but you've either got a dh like that or you haven't.

What about getting an evening job to get you out some evenings? i do, and it's a welcome relief

I also know i suffer with bouts of depression - but don't want to go on AD's also.

Can you imagine growing old with you dh's, do you actually not like him anymore or do you but just need something new and excitement?

Dazedandconfuddled Sun 21-Sep-08 09:50:40

I think I ended up pposting it in mental health topic, not sure what I called it, will have a check.

Dazedandconfuddled Sun 21-Sep-08 09:51:17

Oh yes, it starts along the lines of 'I think I'm losing the plot...'

BBBee Sun 21-Sep-08 09:52:32

I hope you can find a way out of this situation as it sounds horrible.

I could kind of help if you like I can put my email up and you can both email ema nd I will forward your details on to each other.

I am a regular mnetter but hardly ever around these days and I promise I will delete the emails from my inbox and my memory as soon as I have passed you onto each other - the other thing to do wold be to set up a dummy emial.

I am:

its ver ik AT hotm ail DOT co m

(no spaces and change the AT and DOT)!

IBottleItUp Sun 21-Sep-08 09:54:04

myerlay...when we are having one of our 'up times' we do have it off a lot...then it just goes off.

And it can be something as petty as his hair looks crap, or he tumbled dried my jeams when he shouldn't have, that makes me spiral into 'Oh I never should have married him, he's boring, I'm stuck with him etc etc'

I'm aware this sounds completely unreasonable, and I sure he thinks, how did the lovely girl I met end up turning into this moody bitch.

I work during the day...I would love to go out more in the evenings, I would go out every bloody night if I could but I don't think thats fair and it makes it obvious I am 'running away' from being with him.

IBottleItUp Sun 21-Sep-08 09:56:48

BBeee you are lovely, a good idea. I will do that if Dazed is up for it too.

I feel my RL friends would be shocked if they knew how I feel.

They know me and dh as a solid, long term couple. They know nothing of the trials I regularly go through with my feelings towards him.

To have someone neutral to chat to would be great x

shootfromthehip Sun 21-Sep-08 09:58:32

I think you need to decided whether or not this is depression- it doesn't sound like it and I should know- or a general unhappiness with your life. I don't think you are in love with your DH and that is what frightens you. You need to think about whether or not there is anything worth saving here because you sound like a prime candidate for rushing into the arms of someone else and that would not be the answer.

If I am SOOOOooo far off the mark and you are still in love, you need to look at the other areas of your life that may be making you feel trapped and address them. Do you have a fulfilling job, if one at all? Is so, then lucky you, if not then you may have to retrain/ look for something that you have wanted to do but haven't. It's great that you are talking about this as you don't want to do a Shirley Valentine however tempting it is- and again, I should know wink. Good luck

Dazedandconfuddled Sun 21-Sep-08 09:59:56

Sorry - had toast related incident!
That sounds good Bbbee and really very kind of you. I will mail you my address.
Yes, it would be good to chat I think, see if we can'r help each other through it.

In answer to the growing old with DH question, yes, I can see us being old and together but it's almost as if I want to take time out, experience other things, live a little and then return to life as it is now. I know, it's selfish and impossible but that is the way my addled brain is working at the moment.

BBBee Sun 21-Sep-08 10:01:57

okay - so both email me and I will swap you over!

IBottleItUp Sun 21-Sep-08 10:03:58

shoot, I cannot decipher in my mind if I love him, or just feel sorry for him. I cannot picture us separating, I could never do that to my children, it makes me cry just thinking about it. They do not know about my sad feelings.

He loves me soooo much, and that makes me sadder. I sometimes feel I 'settled' for him..he came along, I was young, didn't know any better, he was funny, quirky, clever, and I put him on a pedastal.

He was not handsome,and I have always been atracted to handsome men...but he was so much more.

I have told him before that my feelings are shaky..and bless him he looked into getting a brace fitted on his teeth to try to make himself look better...that broke my heart too.sad

Dazedandconfuddled Sun 21-Sep-08 10:11:19

Bbeee, I'm trying, my computer is against me!
Bottledup - I swear we are one and the same, this is quite weird.

shootfromthehip Sun 21-Sep-08 10:14:43

Oh dear. You don't sound depressed- miserable yes- depressed and in need of being pinned against a wall and sorted out by Brad Pitt/ George Clooney/ Gordon Ramsay etc etc delete as applicable. Pleasse don't be pressured by the weight of his love for you. I don't think you should settle in life- don't get me wrong I'm in a similar position atm and the reality of walking away scares the life out of me but it may be better. I don't know how you keep your feelings away from your kids but I know that I don't feel as though I am the woman/ mother/ wife that I could be if i was personally happier and that makes me want to change things.

As for the brace thing- your DH knows how shaky things are if he is trying to make changes like that for you. It's not fair on anyone.

IBottleItUp Sun 21-Sep-08 10:15:04

I know, I found your thread and read it and it made me want to cry!

I have a job, so am not trapped at home with the children...but still feel isolated and alone.

I have spoken to dh on several occasions about how I am feeling. He is terrified I am out of love with him (but I think we both know I would never leave, or ask him to) He fels very insecure and thats why I feel sorry for him. I am a lot stronger in lots of ways.

I just wish things were better between us. I wish I fancied him. I wish he gave me butterflies.

Yes I know after 20 years thats a lot to ask, but I pass men in the street and think I'd rather sleep with them than my dh. How awful is that?

IBottleItUp Sun 21-Sep-08 10:17:54

Yes shoot, I sometimes feel a good rogering from a handsome stranger would do the job.

But thats not the answer is it?

I have a solid partnership with dh in terms of bringing up the children, running a house.

Its just the emotional/physical side has got messed up.

Dazedandconfuddled Sun 21-Sep-08 10:18:36

I can't get my email to send to you Bbeee! It keeps hetting sent back to me sad
Bottledup, it seems like there are a lot of us in the same boat at the moment. I also hate the idea of feeling as if I've 'settled' with someone.

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