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relationship with in laws

(30 Posts)
mum2niamh Sun 21-Sep-08 08:10:48

I have a 7 month old dd and I've never had a good relationship with my in laws and since dd was born it has gotten worse.

MILs parenting ideas are completely different to mine. She supports leaving them to cry it out, I don't. Her house is not very clean either.

She has never told me I am a good mother, yet makes little digs about my wife/motherly ability. She loves to tell me how great her other DIL is with my dd, but not me myself.

She has watched dd a few times, ranging from 10 minutes to several hours but has not watched her for over 3 months now as every single time I returned, dd was screaming. I made the decision to no longer put dd or myself through that upset again. dd would fall asleep the second we would put her in the car or gobble down her bottle/food as if she had had nothing to eat all day although MIL would insist that she had slept/fed hmm

she keeps insisting upon watching dd overnight. I refuse based on what has happened in the past plus her cry it out beliefs (which she denies in front of DH but i swear she told me this is what she did with other granddaughter).

I am back at work full time and want to spend my evenings and weekends with my DH and dd. Even if it means no sleep, I want to be with her. I can't afford to go p/t so I feel guilty if I'm away from her.

Due to financial reaasons, DH works 2 jobs including some weekends and sometimes the only time we get together as a family just us three, his mum is insisting we go up to hers for dinner. It's not just a few hours, she wants us there the whole day! Last time we were up, the plan was for us to leave when dd got tired/hungry (we had already been up for over 2 hours and I prefer to feed her at home as their house is dirty). well she was starting to get upset as she was hungry so I told dh its time to go and he kept ignoring me. dd was getting more upset but he was more interested in keeping his mum happy angry he is a mummy's boy.

So now I am refusing to spend weekends up there as this is our time. However, after being made to feel really guilty by mummy's boy dh for wanting our weekends to be OURS, I kinda gave in and agreed that she could come to ours, for a cuppa, see dd etc. she made snide comments about how i wasnt coping well but i bit my tongue.

Since then, she has turned up at ours THREE times in one week, always unnannounced and always at dd's bath/bedtime. after a long day at work, I want to relax and enjoy my family time. the third time dd was being sick and i lost it and told her to feck off. angry she works full time too btw

so now dh is as always on his mums side, syaing i was rude, i am unsociable, i am too possessive with dd and they are family and should be able to come up whenever they want.

What do i do about all the above? the mil is ruining our marriage! I have tried talking to her, didnt go down well, and dh takes her side all the time but denies we dont come first. sad

mum2niamh Sun 21-Sep-08 08:14:25

i meant to say i was willing to let her come up once a week, when i knew she was coming but she seems to think i have given her permission to come whenever she feels like it. sorry if that wasnt clear.

naturalblonde Sun 21-Sep-08 08:14:27

Your dh neds to grow a pair stand up to his mother, and tell her you and dd come first and you allneed your family time. Turning up unannounced is not on.
And I think you need to learn to ignore all her snidey comments and have some faith in your self.

ssd Sun 21-Sep-08 08:15:53

tell your dh to get some balls and you MIL to eff off.

ssd Sun 21-Sep-08 08:16:59

and you sound like you are doing well, what with working full time and being a new mum, have some belief in yourself and don't let this old bat bully you.

mum2niamh Sun 21-Sep-08 08:35:24

thank you, i have told dh to grow some grin but it didnt work, when dd was 4 months we split for 1 month and his mum phoned mine and said i was un supportive, manipulative and high maintenance shock my mum stood up to her.

i love my dh but our marriage is being destroyed by her and if i dare to say antthing it will lead to another split which is not good for dd. sometimes i think i should call it quits permanently but she would love that

RubySlippers Sun 21-Sep-08 08:38:32

if my MIL had a conversation like that with me she wouldn't be allowed over my doorstep

your DH needs to put you and his DD BEFORE his mum and draw some boundaries

if he can't or won't then you need to make it clear that he can see his Mum without you

asdmumandteacher Sun 21-Sep-08 08:39:53

We have a severely autistic child and the most my MIL has done to help is say "Aw its so sad isn't it" Like, I am not living it!!
Grrrrrrrr...unhelpful and ignorantangry

mum2niamh Sun 21-Sep-08 08:48:31

I think he's inviting them up but not telling me as he knows what I will say angry but he denies this. he says we come first but his actions say differently.

What do I do about the babysitting thing? She won't let up but I'm totally against it until dd is older. I simply don't trust her.

another issue is that she works f/t but my mum doesn't work and therefore babysits my dd whilst I work. MIL is very jealous of this but my mum keeps pointing out to my Dh that if she wasn't able to watch my dd, SHE still wouldn't behave like my MIL is behaving.

mum2niamh Sun 21-Sep-08 08:49:44

hugs asdmumandteacher, she sounds like she doesn't want to share the work or something!

HelpMNINeedYou Sun 21-Sep-08 08:49:51

I have had similar problems with my MIL and step FIL, it all came to a head on fathers day (DD would have been 7mo) I basically told DH that I will have nothing to do with step FIL ever again and I would not 'get over it' for DH's sake anymore.

This was always the case Step FIL would be a twat upset me and DH would expect me to get over it for his sake. I told him no more and if he didn't like it then he knew where the door was. I never stop or hinder DH or DD spending time with PIL but I will never again with step FIL.

I think what I am trying to say is, tell your DH this is how it is, there is no chance your MIL will be having DD unless either you or your DH are there as she can not be trusted to parent the way you and your DH wish to.

If MIL turns up unannounced turn her away at the door, do not allow her to come in. I did this with my PIL who wanted to be here 24-7 after DD was born. I asked them to call before they came round, they didn't the first few times so i turned them away at the door, now they always ring before the come.

If I were you I would also tell your DH that if your MIL cannot be civil to you and stop the nasty comments then she is not welcome in your house. When she can be civil and keep her comments to herself then fine.

What an awful situation to be in I hope you get it resolved.

RubySlippers Sun 21-Sep-08 08:50:50

you are the mum - you decide what happens with your DD

your MIL needs to stop pressuring you

and your DH needs to stop being so wet

Alexa808 Sun 21-Sep-08 08:52:46

asdmum, so shock to read what your MIL says. If I were you, I'd tell her: Actually not, it's just sad to see how ignorant and ill-informed some people are. angry

Or I'd smack her one. Probably both grin

HelpMNINeedYou Sun 21-Sep-08 08:54:45

With regards to the babysitting, I had this also, I told DH that until DD is older and I can trust PIL to look after her properly there is no chance they would be having DD to babysit.

MIL has babysat before and didn't bother changing DD's nappy, she had such a bad rash for days after. FIL doesn't know the first thing about children.

My mum also doesn't work but TBH she doesn't have DD often either.

Stick to the fact that your MIL works and your mum doesn't so it is much easier for you all in that respect.

asdmumandteacher Sun 21-Sep-08 08:54:56

mum2niamh she hasn't (my MIL) got a bloody clue what its like trying to raise a severely disabled child and all the heartbreak that involves.. I have tried explaining it to her that in the early years (up to the age of 4) it felt like i had lost my son completely but his body was there just no connection and she just doesn't get it. He is 5 now with a mental age of 20 months...he poo smears, bites, kicks, has tantrums like....and all she does is tell ME how sad it is... (she doesn't work)

asdmumandteacher Sun 21-Sep-08 08:56:18

Thanks Alex808 thats exactly itwink

mum2niamh Sun 21-Sep-08 09:23:59

I do sympathise, i have disabilities myself (another reason why I 'cannot cope' with my dd angry )

what frustrates me is that you guys can understand, DH doesn't!

yes, I want to wait til dd is older before letting them babysit. I am happy for them to be around dd when I'm there too but this isn't enough for them.

I am trying slowly to improve our relationship but I feel she is trying to rush me, wanting everything at once.

oh and when I was pg, I was in hospital several times with placenta prevaria and bleeding. She only came to visit after my mum asked dh why they hadn't yet. She spent the whole time telling me DH worked too hard and needed my support! shock

ssd Sun 21-Sep-08 09:28:10

op, your mum sounds greatgrin, I love her!

HelpMNINeedYou Sun 21-Sep-08 09:32:03

Gawd your MIL sounds like a complete loon TBH. You have done well to only tell her to feck off I would have completely snapped by now.

mum2niamh Sun 21-Sep-08 09:41:53

There's so much more, i could go on for pages

her other grand daughter is 5 1/2, BIL and his girlfriend have only recently gone out to work PROPERLY after years of claiming benefits illegally (working cash in hand), pretending to be a single mum etc but to my MIL the sun shines out of her ar*e...

We both work full time, DH works weekends sometimes, he has 2 jobs, we own our own house, we are married etc it just annoys me that we have worked so hard to get to where we are and it's not recognised whereas BIL is the 'golden boy' angry

anyway, she sees other granddaughter about 3 times a week and BIL is always up at hers so this is probably influencing her behaviour towards us.

She has spent so much money on other grand daughter and very little on our dd.

She lets other granddaughter run around their house and garden (including front garden) stark naked shock

there's more, but I won't go on!

ActingNormal Sun 21-Sep-08 14:53:45

I don't have any useful advice as I find it really hard to stand up to people but just wanted to add my support as this sounds like something I would really really hate!

My MIL tried to take over a lot when we first had our children and did things in ways I didn't approve of which made me not want to let her look after them. I felt she didn't want to let me be an adult and a mother and her son's wife because SHE wanted to be 'in charge'. I felt I wouldn't be able to learn how to do it all properly with her always there but somehow we 'eased away' from each other and both became more secure in our roles.

I suppose I did stand up for myself a bit in that I spoke out about my opinions on childcare methods/issues if she tried to enforce hers and stuck to my way of doing things in front of her and tried to make sure I 'took over' myself. I snapped at her a few times and PILs think I am a bit 'spoilt' and 'rebellious' and 'defiant' and I felt like the black sheep of the SILs (3 of us) for a while. At the same time I tried to let her have as much involvement with the kids as I could stand so she didn't panic that she wouldn't see them enough as this would make her worse. She then seemed to become a bit more 'secure'. As I also became more secure as my bond with the children deepened and I didn't feel so much that she could 'take them off' me we both seem to have relaxed and the whole thing is easier.

evangelina Sun 21-Sep-08 19:52:12

mum3niamh, I really sympathise with you. My DH sounds very similar to yours- the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree as they say.

Have you read the book "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward? I found it quite helpful. My way of dealing with my own horrors is simply to see as little of them as possible and let DH see them with the older children on his own.

My youngest is 16 months and I would never allow the ILs to babysit him for long periods especially overnight. Neither DH nor my own mother have him overnight either, because baby and I co-sleep and he goes into hysterics with anyone else apart from me.

Twelvelegs Sun 21-Sep-08 19:54:33

OMG, tell your DP to grow a backbone. You are the boss and his main priority and if he doesn't get it MAKE HIM.

evangelina Sun 21-Sep-08 20:03:28

If only it were that simple twelvelegs. As OP says, it's very difficult to handle a situation where someone says one thing (ie wife is first) but then acts differently. She has already separated from him so not like she hasn't tried.

Tortington Sun 21-Sep-08 20:04:56

you need to remind dh that his nuclear family is not you and dd and that is his priority

tell him to feck off to his monsters

tell them both to feck off

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