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Will I ever trust my dh again ???

(17 Posts)
aintnosaint Sat 20-Sep-08 18:07:34

It's almost 3 yrs ago since I discovered my dh was being unfaithful. We've moved on from what happened and we get along together as well as I suppose most couples with their everyday up's and down's.

It's not something that I dwell on or still get upset about but there is still a niggle that effects me every now and again.

My dh has a workshop in the garden and it was there that I found quite by accident a hidden sim card. I took the sim and put it into my phone and read the messages that had been exchanged between him and another woman. I was horrified, mortified, devastated, and quite honestly wanted to kill someone.

Anyway, I told him what I'd found and after the denials and excuses and lies we eventually went to relate, can't say it really helped a great deal as he didn't want to talk about it but we've moved on and alot of time as passed now.

The thing is, he still goes off to his workshop and although I've never tried to stop him having a phone since or quizzed, moaned or gone on about things I still have this sickening feeling in my gut wondering what if anything he's up to.

I don't want to be on his back and check up on him, I realize that if anything was ever to happen again I don't think I'd be able to stop it and I'd just get myself in a tizz worrying.

I have discussed with him about these occasional feelings but he just tells me not to be stupid as he'd never do anything again but he never offers to leave his phone in the house while he's in the workshop and I'd never suggest it as I'd feel like I was being OTT.

Will these feelings ever pass or is it something I'll probably live with forever now ? I don't know if I could actually cope with feeling like I don't trust him for the rest of our lives, it seems like such a waste, we only live once, surely we all deserve to be happy, trust and be trusted ?

twoluvlykids Sat 20-Sep-08 18:15:32

I don't know what the answer is. Time scale, I'm same as you, nearly 3 years on, yes it hurts less, but is that coz I never let myself think about it? What you've got to look at, imo, is why it happened in the first place. If you know the answer to that, you'll probably be able to rest assured it won't happen again. If you don't know why - if he won't talk about why - well, I don't know. It's hard, isn't it?

Anifrangapani Sat 20-Sep-08 18:25:36

I dunno - I am like a Pavlovian Rat each time dh recieves a text.

clam Sat 20-Sep-08 18:36:36

My DH doesn't know how to text. If he ever gets one, he has to ask me how to open it!
I'm nosy and, regardless of the grounds, I think I'd sneak a look, AS LONG AS you could deal with what you might find.

aintnosaint Sat 20-Sep-08 18:59:23

Thank you all for your replies.

I honestly have no idea why it happened. I do wish my dh could have been honest and open with me about it at the time but he's told many lies and contradicted what he originally said so many times I've given up the idea of ever knowing the reason or the truth.

In the first few months after the discovery I did my own digging around to find out more info and like clam's dh, my dh had always made out that he couldn't work out a phone properly or the computer but I was later to find out he knew far more than he was ever letting on.

He'd been in contact with the OW for months via phone and internet. He would ask me how to switch the blooming thing on and would crack on he had no idea how to email or instant message but he managed it just fine in my absence reading the logs on the secret email addy he'd set up angry

I was to find out that I did actually know who the OW was, not very well, she was a friend of a friend but I'd met and spoken to her quite a few times and she had my email address. We where actually mean't to go on a trip together with a group of our mutual friends that she and my dh were seeing each other behind my back. I've no idea really how they actually got chatting I can only assume that she sent an instant message to me and he read it and responded in my absence ? and things just must have gone from there.

From what I know about her she was in an unhappy marriage on the verge of a split. She knew I was married and had dc, which I do find really hard to take.

My dh and I where at a really happy time in out lives, things where going well, we had recently moved to a new house and where doing it up, sex was great and love was blooming so none of it really makes any sense to me at all ?

Anifrangapani Sat 20-Sep-08 19:05:12

My dh said it was the excitement it brought.... simply because it was going so well caused it, and he is a sucker for a damsel in distress. Just wish it wasn't one of my friends.

aintnosaint Sat 20-Sep-08 19:26:06

I know how you feel, I can't get my head around how another woman who knows you could play around with your dh but if they're an actual friend as well must be a million times worse

Sometimes I wonder if I would have dealt with it better and got over it a lot quicker if it had been one drunken night s**g. The fact that it went on for several months and they texted/emailed each other like a loving couple makes my stomach churn.

When I think back to all the bloody kisses he left on the end of his messages to her and I don't get a single one on my birthday/xmas cards etc angry

WhirlingStirling Sat 20-Sep-08 20:40:14

I understand that one aintnosaint - last Valentines day h sent ow a text saying "I miss you Princess" and I got a card with "Have a nice day" on it!! Fecking cheek angry

WhirlingStirling Sat 20-Sep-08 20:42:24

In answer to op - I am just 10 months down the line and dont know if I will ever trust anyone again! I had trusted him absolutely and wasn't the suspicious sort at all.

His affair has totally changed me!

Twelvelegs Sat 20-Sep-08 20:45:34

When a spouse strays I think they are duty bound to be transparent to a very high degree. Knowing that you must have trust issues with him I think it's the least he can do to leave his phone whilst in the workshop.
Perhaps if you tell him how you feel, pretty similarly to how you have expressed it here, he may understand and leave his phone.

HappyWoman Sun 21-Sep-08 11:18:24

I think you both need to go back to some sort of counselling.
What you describe is typical.

Of course you dont trust him - why on earth would you? He has to earn that trust back and it is a slow painful process.
You are not being in the slightest bit silly not to trust him yet so please dont even think that .

My h had an affair and i still dont trust him - i am not sure i ever will (or ever trust anyone completly again).
I disagree that you need 100% trust in a relationship - there are different types of trust after all.
Would you trust him to look after the children/money/do the washing ect.....

If he was a gambler or an alcoholic no-one would say you were mad to not trust him with a bottle or in a casino so why do you have to trust him in every area of his life.

He has choosen to betray you and unfortunately if he wants to continue with you then he has to suffer those consequences - that he can no longer have as much privacy as he did before.

You can together come up with a plan of action - it was suggested that we could put together some money for a PI - so that if one of us ever felt the need then we could use the money. We do still joke about it and the fact that if i have a bit of a wobble i will ask - yes my h does get fed up sometimes as he knows why i ask him certain things (like who he went to lunch with ect) but he also knows and tries to understand why i am like this. He is doing everything he can to still prove to me he will never betray me again.

An innocent person has nothing to hide - yes it is not nice to have someone going through your private things but i have nothing to be that embarassed about and neither should he. iyswim.

If he still wanted to get up to something he could - but that would be all the proof i would now need that he no longer wanted to be in this marriage.

I too am a lot stronger and i have now made it perfectly clear that i would not toterate it again. I dont like the fact that i feel that way as i like to be a forgiving person but sometimes that is the price we have to pay for mistakes.
He now needs to understand how this makes you feel and if he truely wants to help he will, if he tries to make out you are the silly one then i think it shows a total lack of respect for your feelings - you have a right to feel the way you do - please dont let him make you feel otherwise.

Good luck -

aintnosaint Sun 21-Sep-08 13:18:08

WhirlingStirling - doesn't that just feel like a kick in the teeth angry

I remember standing in the bedroom reading their text messages and heaving and trying to stop myself from being sick. One read from him 'morning sexy' I was so sickened at it more so that I don't think in all the years we've been together he's ever said that to me angry

We've been together over 20 yrs, married for just over 15 yrs.

Tbh I think the only person who's ever said to me 'morning sexy' was a guy I used to work with yrs ago, he was really sweet and almost every morning he would say it but I always just smiled and took it that it was just his way LOL

I'd been hurt from a previous relationship when dh and I met, my ex was violent and hit me frequently when I eventually got away from him I never thought I'd trust again. It took me along time but I trusted dh implicitly and naively I never dreamed in my wildest dreams that he was the sort to stray

I was a wreck at first, I couldn't get my head around it all and would be on my way to work or shopping in the car and just break down in tears at the drop of a hat. I couldn't eat hardly and if I did I could barely keep it down, I turned to drink and wasn't sleeping much at all. It was 2 weeks of pure hell when I finally gave myself the kick up the arse I needed and realized the dc needed their mum not an emotionally wreck and I pulled myself together for them.

I did change afterwards, I'm stronger now and don't feel that he's the centre of my world. I feel I'm more aloof with him and sometimes I wonder if I'm emotionally leaving the relationship but switching off or if it's just that I'm trying to protect myself from as much pain if it happens again ?

He still lives his life pretty much the same, there are no restraints on him, if he wants to go out or go off doing something he does and I don't question or moan about it. I do sometimes get a sickly feeling thinking what if he's playing away again but I never feel compelled to check up on him, although he would with me if he had concerns or doubts. He would ring me constantly, check the milage on the car when I got home etc etc. Probably his insecurities because of what he did.

Twelvelegs - I really have tried to talk to him and explain my feelings but he just can't seem to comprehend what I'm saying. He's not a big talker and will avoid discussing things as much as possible. He just seems to believe that I'm being neurotic and not moving on if I say anything. His argument is that he was caught, it ended, end of story. He firmly believes that any discussion about what may or may not have happened it irrelevent and you have to let it go to move on hmm

aintnosaint Sun 21-Sep-08 14:41:29

Hi HappyWoman, I honestly don't think dh would participate or even consider counselling again. I think the only reason he suggested it at the beginning was because I was so mortified by it all and he truly believed I would leave him over it and it was his last ditch effort to win me back. I'd always said right from the start of our relationship that the 2 things that I would never accept or forgive were if he ever hit me or had an affair. He never seemed the type to do either but experience had taught me that you just never can tell.

I'm not even sure whether dh cares if I trust him or not, I think he's just happily plodding on with the idea that it's all over now and we rub along fine without too many disagreements.

It's not that everything is fine, I just don't seem to have the energy or the will to moan or question things as I'm sick of banging my head against a brick wall and getting nowhere. Everything I say just goes over his head, in one ear and out the other. He never takes on board my concerns or anything I'm upset about, he either sits silently nodding in acknowledgement or gets defensive and starts throwing stuff at me. Nothing ever changes and we just go back to how it always was until I can't hold it in anymore and I speak up again.

He is very lazy and hardly does anything around the house but he does make tea, do the shopping, take the dc to school and picks them up and will run them to friends etc but only because I complain that I don't want them roaming around and would rather know they get where they're going safely.

He's terrible with money and we're in a lot of debt because of it. He spends without thinking. I've had to sort out all the mess and make payment arrangements with everyone but last week I was issued with a CCJ.

Things have got worse since I started having panic attacks, I'm finding it really difficult to leave the house and I've no idea why, (thats why dh now does the shopping) everything just seems to be spiraling out of control and although I'm trying my best to sort things out he's not at all supportive or helpful.

We have a large electricity debt at the moment and I'm struggling to pay but just about managing it. I've asked him so many times I've lost count to turn off lights when he leaves a room but he still never does it. I feel like I'm constantly walking round after a child turning out lights. He will even wash one item and throw it straight into the dryer with total disregard for our circumstances. It drives me crazy angry

WhirlingStirling Sun 21-Sep-08 17:00:50

Wow, aintnosaint, that is no way to live!

Maybe it is time to call it a day. Even without the affair, your h sounds hard to live with.

If you stay a couple, can you see yourselves together, happily, in say, 10 years time??

If not, then dont waste another 10 years of your life. Take control and make him take some of the responsibility for the debt.

I think your panic attacks are linked to the fact you dont feel in control of your life (though I am in no way an expert).

Have a good, hard think about what you want. smile

aintnosaint Sun 21-Sep-08 18:24:12

Thank you for your reply WhirlingStirling, you know I feel like I'm in daze at the moment, I was reading another thread earlier today started by a member called Ibottleitup and so much of what she and other posters said made me see that I feel much the same

I can go for days even weeks feeling as if I can cope then it can be just the tiniest thing that brings me down and I wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life. I can't even decide if I still love dh or whether I just care for him now?

I've contemplated leaving so many times but I put it down to having a bad day and try to move forward. Leaving would be really hard we have 4 dc aged 8 - 16 yrs. I run my own business from home so have lots of stock, paperwork etc to think about and where the hell I could put it all if I left.

I have contacted the local council once a long time ago and they said they couldn't help me and the waiting list for the size of house I would need is yrs long and priority cases would always come before me. I don't think I'd ever get a private rented place now because of the debts and CCJ so I just feel so trapped and can't ever see things changing.

There was mention on the other thread of just wanting to get in the car and drive, I know exactly how they feel as I've been there so many times. There have even been times when I thought about just driving off the edge of the road or over a cliff just to get away from it all but I love my dc sooooooo much I could never take my own life, they are my world.

I know if there were no dc involved I would have been able to walk away a long time ago but they keep me going and what I get up in the morning for.

I've been asked to go on a family members birthday trip next year. They know my circumstances so the holiday would all be paid for I would just need spending money and dh is like a bear with a sore head over it and says I'm being selfish to even think about going

WhirlingStirling Sun 21-Sep-08 18:47:18

You know, you can legally separate and still live in the same hosue. I looked into it recently. You would have to ask at the Citizens Advice Bureau.

Maybe that could be the start - to no longer be a couple. Start to see yourself as an independent person.

I have had those "just get in the car and drive" moments - it would be so nice sometimes just to leave all your problems behind - probably why so many people disappear every year!

I also have periods where I feel so strong and able to cope, the last few weeks I have felt like that. Then, last Fri, I was feeling a bit low anyway, and someone said something to me that sent me reeling down and there I was, on my arse again. I cried most of the day and it took a few days to feel better again. Bloody hormones!

You are not alone - I found so much strength just talking to people here. Sometimes you just need a different perspective smile

HappyWoman Mon 22-Sep-08 07:34:43

please see a dr about the panic attacts - they are a classic sign of depression.
I have experenced them - nothing to do with h affair.
i did take ADS - they really did help and i think saved my life.
The way you describe your life now sounds so similar to the feelings i had at that time and believe me you do not need to live like that - see a dr get the right medication to 're-adjust' what is probably a chemical imbalance and i am sure you will see things very differntly.

It may not save your marriage but i would bet it would make you see things clearer.
Please see a dr - it is not a failure.

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