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get so angry with DH sometimes I wish I'd married another (any) man...

(9 Posts)
justcuriousreally Sat 20-Sep-08 16:55:22

Its my own fault and I accept total responsibility, because I did marry dh after all, but sometimes I widh dh had more money. Already have dd but now shes 3 I 'm thinking about having another one. This is impossible because of our financial situation, dh earns a decent wage but has debts. Hes been in debt ever since I first met him though when I married him I didnt realise how stricken he really was. 5 years later and although I only work part time so I can spend time with dd I still have to bail him out financially even though he works fulltime and earns at least 20K more than me. I get sick of all my friends being able to have 2 or 3 children simply because they married a man can afford to support a family. I just wish I could turn back the clock sometimes and marry someone else especially as most of my old boyfriends are now successful in their careers. I cant imagine what it would be like to be married to someone who could afford to take me out for a meal and more importantly could afford for us to have a large family with. I know I sound materialistic but it really grinds me down and knowing I made the choice to marry someone so riddled with debt. At the time I didnt think it would have such a huge impact on my life, youthful naivety!

Elasticwoman Sat 20-Sep-08 18:13:46

How about some debt counselling? I think Citizens' Advice Bureau can help.

SciFiFan Sat 20-Sep-08 18:16:33

JCR have you ever sat down and discussed with him how much this upsets you??

Is there any way he would agree to you taking control of the finances and giving him an allowance until the debts are sorted??

justcuriousreally Sat 20-Sep-08 18:29:12

He knows how difficult I find the situation. I'm not convinced hes active enough about trying to change his/our situation. i recently changed job just to earn a bit of extra cash to support us while hes happy to stay in the same job hes been in for years without any of promotion etc. Dont want to take control of his finances either, would feel like his mother. Something needs to be done though as I find it difficult to respect him and more importantly fancy him...

CarGirl Sat 20-Sep-08 18:35:59

Perhaps you need to do the "we" chat, "how are WE going to tackle this debt?"

"What suggestions do you have so WE can get rid of it?"

"Here are my suggestions"

etc etc etc

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 20-Sep-08 18:36:36

Some suggestions for you:-

Read some publications by Alvin Hall (debt management expert/financial guru).

Do a set budget and stick to it.

Who does he owe money to?. Is debt on credit cards?. What has he spent the money on?. What is his attitude to money, is he trying to maintain a lifestyle he cannot afford?. Has he ever tried to address his debt issues before now?. You don't have to answer any of those questions but he needs to give you honest answers re all the above.

CAB can be helpful but you may find the Consumer Credit Counselling Service (they are a charity) to be of more use.

Stop bailing him out financially particularly if any part of the overall debt is in his sole name - this is enabling behaviour.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 20-Sep-08 18:38:45

www.cccs.co.uk

As mentioned CCCS is a charity.

ToughDaddy Sat 20-Sep-08 21:33:26

Very sorry that you are going through this. Money is never "enough" unless you are talking serious money.

I am struggling to make practical suggestions:

Would he agree to you taking control of the finances if you think that he is wasting money? Can he cut out things like alcohol, cigarettes? Can he take homemade sandwich to work. Take an overseas student into spare bedroom over the summer months?

...sorry I am struggling.

moondog Sat 20-Sep-08 21:34:43

How much does he owe?
Has it gone down since you met him?

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