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I prefer to spend weekends apart from my dh.....

(11 Posts)
Limara Sat 20-Sep-08 14:14:37

Bit of background...DH works all week- out of the house at 6.30am back at 6.30pm. The only thing I ask him to do in the week is shower/bath our dd. I do everything else and it works well with us.

We have 2 dc's out dd is 6 and ds is 11.
DS is a difficult child, he NEVER listens to me(possibly most children!)but I'm trying to get him to take more responsibility for his own things/self as he's just started secondary school. We have always had a difficult relationship as he is very wareing and verbally relentless. I do discipline him ie taking away his tv privelidges and grounding him after school so I do try. I do know that you reap what you sow IYSWIM but I think our relationship will always be a challenging one. The most important thing I hold on to is I love him and tell him this frequently(to make up for the shit most dayssad)

On Sat mornings, dd does ballet(I agreed to take) and ds does Karate(dh agreed to take)They start at different times. I found out about the Karate and got my ds to try it out as I thought it would boost his confidence and show I have an interest in him. It's turned out brilliantly, he absolutely loves it and he's sooo good at it.smile

Every Saturday, I have to set the alarm as dh has the attitude that it's the weekend and he needs to relax. I get the dc's breakfast, empty the dishwasher, make the beds, sort out their clothes, rally them, hassle them to get the ballet bag/karate clothes together whilst dh has his usualy 15-20 dump on the loo, showers himself and browses the internet/ebay.

He insists I come along as it's 'family' time. I totally agree with him but by the time I'm in the car, I'm usually pissed off that he has done f**k all to help. I have never been late taking my dd to ballet but since my ds started Karate and we all have to go together, we are late. Take this morning, whilst I was upstairs getting ready having done everything, all he had to do was get the dc's in the car but no. I had to come downstairs and crack the whip. I'm tired of being the bad guy.

We finally get back and had a short space of time before we had to go out again. I explained to my ds that he needed a sweatband for this activity and told him where it might be xyz. Anyway, he goes upstairs and comes back down saying he can't find it. I say again where it might be, he comes back saying he can find it. I say, did you have a look xyz and he says no.

Two minutes later in another room where my dh is, ds asks again where this sweatband it and I say that i've told you where it might be but he continues to ask defiantly. Dh turns around and says 'she is trying to annoy you'!.WTF, I absolutely give up! I am trying to make the boy more independent and responsible and he isn't supporting me. Our boy does this all the time and if we keep giving in we will make a rod for our own back. Worse still, our ds knows he is causing this to happen and knows he is causing conflict between me and dh.

Anyway, a row ensues as I point out he has belittled me infront or out dc's and worse, called me 'she'. He say then that I have made this situation worse but pointing out what I think is wrong. I am mad as dh then questions ds about whether I had actually told him where this sweatbang was, WTF! Thus making out that (possibly), that I can't be trusted!

DS then goes into another room on his own and I follow with the line, 'your a f*ing s**t!sad and 'see what youv'e done, your causing problems in our marriage' sad

I feel terrible.sad I dropped dh and ds off to where they were going and dh was going to come back with me but I insisted he stay and wait with ds. I didn't tell him I was mortified about my comment and that I was worried he would be insecure/scarred for life.sad

I give up.

Limara Sat 20-Sep-08 14:15:40

Oh dear, it's a bit long sorry.blush

compo Sat 20-Sep-08 14:21:09

don't give up
you need to apologise to your ds, give him loads of cuddles and really make up for that comment

after you've done that why don't you suggest a takeaway and a bottle of wine with dh tonight and sort the whole lot out. Sounds like you have a lot to get off your chest as the resentment is eating away at you and making you bitter towards your poor 11 year old

compo Sat 20-Sep-08 14:22:20

don't think your ds is only 11, there is loadsof time for your relationship to be owrked on and improved
maybe you could start doing things together with him - go to the cinema just the 2 of you, to pizza hut afterwards maybe

compo Sat 20-Sep-08 14:22:38

sorry don't forget

fancyflo Sat 20-Sep-08 14:24:21

Oh hun, not sure what to say, these bloody men are so useless, leaving everything to us!

Good for you trying to get your DS to be more independant though, these men that have had mummy do everything for them then turn out to be like our OH's. My OH doesn't know where anything is kept although we have lived here for 5 yrs, i always have to be behind him!

Id be so angry with your OH thoughangry

Limara Sat 20-Sep-08 14:26:17

Thanks guys, I've got to go pick them up then take dc swimming now so can't watch responses. It's such a difficult relationship with my boy, I do so much for him but he is so ungrateful. My dh is at his wits end with him too but has a go at me, I am getting it from everyone and it's bloody hard you know.

Back soon...

compo Sat 20-Sep-08 14:28:07

'I do so much for him but he is so ungrateful'
he's only 11!
do people really expect their children to be grateful at 11?!!

ToughDaddy Sun 21-Sep-08 13:45:54

Compo, i expect my 9 year old to have some appreciation about what it takes to look after him. I did when I was his age and it helps development of empathy. I am not trying to weigh him down but if he eats like a pig then he needs to know that me, DP or nanny has to clean up after him. I don't go on about it, I just tell him as he NEEDS to have that at the back of his mind. Will make him a better husband/dad.

Limara Sun 21-Sep-08 15:01:22

Finding if difficult to use the pc at the mo as it's in the dining/kitchen and DH hogging it.

Moogatron Tue 23-Sep-08 11:44:17

I don't know what time you have to be in the car ready to depart for the various activities, but consider this (predicated on you living near civilisation which you must do if karate and ballet are on offer): Say you have to be in the car ready to go at 1030, book yourself a hairdressers appointment/leg wax/whatever at 0900 and get yourself up, and bugger off, telling DH that he has command and control. Don't pitch up until 0958 and get straight in the car. Ask DD and DS if they have their kit, perhaps listing some commonly forgotten items. If they don't have them and cannot locate them in 5 minutes, cheerily tell them that its too late now, they should have got all their s**t in one sock earlier and ballet/karate are off. If one has everything and the other doesn't, then the 'forgettor' has to watch their sibling go off to hobby. Take DH and 'forgettor' for long wholesome walk while you wait for the ballet/karate class to finish. Tell them that you don't give a toss whether or not they get their life in order and the hobby is for their benefit, not yours although you are really proud of them for doing it.

Being away from the home and making you DH be the enforcer may drive it home to him.

Alternatively, break the loo, so he can't do a 20 min dump, or harrass him continually from the other side of the door. Or do the same yourself (my mother used to take the Daily Telegraph to the loo for 1/2 an hour every morning) and we amused ourselves-rarely to ill effect.

When I was a child, my mother worked shifts and my father was in a job where he could be randomly called away for long periods of time. My mum taught him how to do ballet plaits for hair and my sister and I routinely got mars bars for breakfast when our mother was working. she would have hit the roof if she'd known, but we were alive and well when she got home and none of us have obesity issues!!!

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