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Feels like DP doesn't "care" about me. Feeling unloved...

(22 Posts)
CryingMyselfToSleep Sat 20-Sep-08 13:44:15

I'll try and keep this may be difficult. Don't really know where to start there is 10yrs of history here.

Dp has never been hugely "affectionate" - especially in public...I just accepted that was the way he was. That was fine 10yrs ago...but I am getting very frsutrated by it now.

But even without the affection there used to be some element of "careing" about me...that just seems to be diminishing.

He has a new circle of friends over the last 12m or so and has started to play football and make an effort to lose some weight. He is now playing football 2 nights per week and saturday afternoons. The 3 nights he doesn't play football he works until 7/8ish.

Prior to him playing footie if I asked for a night out with friends (rare occurance) I would get lots of muttering and "objections" and, although he never stopped me he would always make it clear that it was difficult for him to change his working plans. But when he wanted to start footie on a Tues that was easy.

Then I started swimming on a Thurs (encouraged by him, to lose weight like him). And a new footie session was introduced on a Thurs....and he made a big hoo harrr about how he would have to move work around to accomodate footie. My swimming was never even mentioned. He just didn't even ackknowledge that Thurs may interupt my wants and needs.

He used to work Saturdays. Again a big hastle if I suggested we go out for hte day...but now he is playing football he doesn't work on a Saturday and it is not an issue.

It just seems as though he is hte only one that is important and that we have to rearrange our family life around him.

In the last 10yrs he has come up with every excuse imaginable not to go out for a meal with me. His mate rings on valentines day and it takes all of 10secs to make a decision there. Doesn't care about my feelings.

It is not unusal for me to end up in tears when having sex (a whole other story)....but he doens't care....he just carry's on...and ignores me. Now I wouldn't carry on if it was a huge problem to me..but I just feel that I would like him to acknowledge there is a problem. I often cry myself to sleep and he just doesn't care.

I sometimes wonder if I got run over by a bus would he care...unless it interupted his schedule...

I just want to feel wanted...I just want to feel loved...I just want him to acknowledge I have that so much to ask?

WhirlingStirling Sat 20-Sep-08 14:51:42

So sorry you are going through this and feeling as you do sad

Just from what you have said, it sounds like you would be better on your own - do you think this is an option?

Feeling unloved and uncared for is horrible and the fact that you cry DURING sex and he doesn't seem to care is awful!

All of this will be damaging your self esteem. Only you can get yourself out of this. Please think hard about what you want - Do you still want to be with this man in 10 yrs time??

Lizzylou Sat 20-Sep-08 15:03:05

Poor you, have you ever addressed this with him?
He sounds horrendous tbh.
Why do you cry during sex, does he force you?

SmugColditz Sat 20-Sep-08 15:23:51

If having sex with him makes you cry, if he shows you no affection, if you are crying yourself to sleep - why are you still having sex with him?

I suspect you are crying yourself to sleep because he is treating you like a whore. You need to stop allowing it.

Sanctuary Sat 20-Sep-08 15:35:48

Start taking your life back.

If you had started swimming on a thursday but then stopped cos he started footie training .
You are letting him get away with it.You had already made arrangements to be out that night .
Don`t listen to his mutterings and objections

CryingMyselfToSleep Sat 20-Sep-08 15:37:46

No he certainly doesn't force me to have sex. I have lots of emotional issues with that part of my life and although some of them relate to DP...mostly they date back to pre-DP days. He knows about them. Sometimes they just boil up to teh surface. It is not a frequent thing (the crying) but the fact that it happens even once and he seems to show no concern obviously makes me feel shit. It is not the crying that is a problem to me (at least in teh context of this thread). It is his reaction (or lack of) that I hate.

Lizzy - He sounds horrendous tbh....not really. It probably sounds worse "on paper" than it actually is. I am obviously only talking about the bad bits here.

SmugColditz Sat 20-Sep-08 15:40:06

If you go swimming on a Thursday, you go swimming on a Thursday. He doesn't f*cking pay you, he doesn't get to decide your time for you!

give me 10 nice things he does.

Lizzylou Sat 20-Sep-08 15:44:12

Aah, sorry I misunderstood. He should still acknowledge your feelings and why you feel bad during sex though.
It does sound like he still views himself as single, it isn't a marriage/partnership where only his activities and needs are taken into account, not yours is it?
FWIW, my Dad was obsessed with football (he managed local teams) and left my Mom with us all the time, we never had any family time at all. My Mom eventually had an affair and they divorced.
So, I am viewing him as "horrendous" simply due to my background. Sorry if it was a tad harsh.

CryingMyselfToSleep Sat 20-Sep-08 15:46:12

Thing is that I had started going swimming on a Thursaday (admittedly I had only been doing it a couple of weeks).

I could go on a Monday.

But they way he reacted to Footie being arranged on a Thursady (which didn't suit him initially) was all about him. It was as if I didn't exist. And as a result of that I have lost all motivation. If he had responded differently I would have compromsed and gone swimming on a different day. As Whirling is not really about the way that his plans affect what I is the way he approaches them that hits my self esteem and confidence.

The actual going out 3 times a week isn't a problem to me. It is the fact that he has shown no interest in the way that it may make me feel.

TwoMore Sat 20-Sep-08 15:47:06

It sounds a little as if you have become invisible. I dont know what to suggest to make yourself visible and valued, or even if you should, but if you take some control back and be more assertive it might make you feel better about things. Sometimes we dont value what we have until its taked away.

CryingMyselfToSleep Sat 20-Sep-08 15:48:44

No probs Lizzy....if I had gone into too much more detail in my OP it would have been a life was long enough as it was.

Thing is this football is a newish thing. He used to play twice a week before we had our first DC. He stopped....and now he seems to be obsessed with his has started again. He wants me to lose weight as well...and I don't disagree, but he doesn't leave me any space to do it because his priority is himself.

Lizzylou Sat 20-Sep-08 15:52:32

Have you spoken to him about it?
have you said that you feel like he doesn't take into account your plans/needs?
Maybe he just doesn't realise that you are unhappy about it because he takes it for granted that you'll be OK about it?

SmugColditz Sat 20-Sep-08 15:55:03

But, while your feelings should be important to him, he actually has no responsibility for them.

YOU have to make your life nice, YOU have to make sure you don't allow people to hurt your feelings. YOu shouldn't put the entire responsibility for your happiness into someone else's hands, it's asking for trouble.

Start going swimming on a Monday then. And don't ask him, tell him.

Put your hand back on the steering wheel and stop being a passenger in your own life.

CryingMyselfToSleep Sat 20-Sep-08 15:58:02


Whenever I do talk about things, if he makes any improvements it lasts a couple of weeks then I will feel even more shit than I do now because he is not "unknowingy" hurting me...but he knows how I feel and he is still hurting me...which is worse than him not knowing he is hurting me IYSWIM.

I also find it difficult to talk about these things because of a bad experience....which almost culminating in me paking my bags.

Now I am scared to discuss issues like case I do actually end up packing my bags.

Shit I know.
I am in a spiral Iknow
I just don't know how to get out of it...or how to stop myslef getting deeper.

TwoMore Sat 20-Sep-08 16:00:54

so he called your bluff once and you left?

TwoMore Sat 20-Sep-08 16:01:21

or almost left?
and now he walks all over your feelings?

CryingMyselfToSleep Sat 20-Sep-08 16:02:48


Told me some pretty hurtful things and I thought about leaving. Decided I didn't want to leave so I didn't. i still don't want to. So I don't want to risk putting myslef in a position where I might want to again.

sounds mad when written like that though.

warthog Sat 20-Sep-08 16:45:12

how many dc's do you have?

HappyWoman Sat 20-Sep-08 17:21:54

god it sounds like my parents relaionship - i always suspected they just lived toghether without actually living it together iyswim.

Please make some changes and please do not be scared to go it alone.

I have very little respect for my mum for 'allowing ' my dad to ruin my mums life (her words) - now she is ill and he is the career - mainly out of duty i suspect.
She is being cared for by a man who she does not like much and he is caring for a woman who i suspect wishes had left him years before.

my dad being weak never took the first move my mother 'staying for the sake of the children' they are locked forever in this loveless partnership.

And worst of all 2 children witnessed this and we both know but can not openly say what we realy feel. it is too late now.

Joolyjoolyjoo Sat 20-Sep-08 17:28:37

This is possibly totally impracticle, but if he is urging you to get fit too, is there an exercise you could do together? DH and I started running together (until we each got injuries!) and I really enjoyed it- it was like we were out of the domestic set-up and roles, and got to spend some time together as a couple (albeit as a sweaty, out of breath couple!) while dad babysat for an hour.

I know that doesn't really address all your issues, but it might be of some use to you

CryingMyselfToSleep Sat 20-Sep-08 19:49:21

We have 3 DCs...a preschooler and 2 primary schoolers.

Unfortunately it is not practical to get fit together. 50% of his keep fit "regime" revolves around his footie training. We did talk about going on bike rides together but we have no-one to have DCs whilst we do so.

I think that what it is coming to is that we need to talk...and I will have to live with whatever comes of that sad.

I just need to admit that (to myself).

TY for all your kind words.

LostinOz Sat 20-Sep-08 23:27:12

You poor thing, you sound like how i felt before my husband "dropped the bombshell". I tried and tried to get him to talk, I did loads of stuff to try and get us to have more time, more fun. Sex was non existant, I felt very rejected on loads of levels and just left to it. He did not seem to be interested in me or my world.

Eventutally, after SERIOUS tears, he told me that he had "moved on" from me, probably a few years earlier, but for sure in the last year. Explained so much, the late nights, the gym over a night together, the weekend working, the frequent out of town trips (there isn't anyone else btw). He also told me that he did not feel how other Dad's seem to about their children.

It has been horrible, but like some of the previous posters, I am glad this has happened now, I could have lived like this for years getting more and more lonely and living on fewer and fewer emotional scraps.

I can see a brighter life, and I feel I have got some of me back, don't get me wrong it is blimmin scary and I really don't want my unit to be split up, but we have one life and neither of us were making the other one happy.

Good luck and big hugs, nobody wants this to happen, but I would get him to talk and even if it is horrible, it will be better than not and festering and wondering


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