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DH and I had a chat and now he's had a personality transplant!

(10 Posts)
DiscoDizzy Fri 19-Sep-08 20:39:14

I need advice. DH has been for a few years, insecure, stressed, lacking in confidence and assertiveness, short tempered and sensitive. We had a bit of a chat recently where I suggested that I would like him to be a little bit less insecure and more happy and chilled, taking a bit more responsibility for things. He doesn't know why he was feeling insecure etc but he understood that he needed to give himself a bit of a kick up the bum. Anyhow, he apparently gave himself a talking to and I am now living with an uber confident, assertive fella who is no longer sensitive or insecure. He tells me he loves me in a businesslike manner and tbh I feel like i'm living with a different man. I no longer know him. I only suggested minor adjustments not total transformation. What do I do.

differentID Fri 19-Sep-08 20:40:58

enjoy ypurself- start to get to know him again, treat it like a first date again

DiscoDizzy Fri 19-Sep-08 20:55:31

I don't know if i like it tho

SittingBull Fri 19-Sep-08 20:58:21

Message withdrawn

Alexa808 Sat 20-Sep-08 02:29:28

DD, first of all, I'm not having a go at you. I'd just like you to consider your actions. : how would you feel if your partner told you you look miserable all the while and need to smile more and your posture is bad and you mustn't slouch.

You'd get a lot more self-conscious and would watch yourself all the while. You'd smile & walk/sit upright but the reasons why you were miserable and had a bad posture in the first place aren't cured. They are still there, but now you're acting the part...and it will make you even more unhappy.

Instead of supporting your partner & searching for answers and a cure for him, you've just basically told him to do xyz & straighten up. Inside your partner's heart, he's still as insecure, unhappy & tense as he was before. Oh, and now, the person closest to him has told him to get a grip sad

How about councelling for him. Or talking to you in which situations he gets insecure & tenses up. Your poor DH.

MaryBS Sat 20-Sep-08 06:47:26

I think Alexa is right on this. I would say that its a front, to please you, but inside it must be making him unhappy. The strain of maintaining such a facade would make it worse.

If this is what you want, can you tell him you're sorry, that you just wanted him to be happy, that you loved the old him, and you still do love him, but it was unfair of you to expect him to change? And then work on the unhappiness TOGETHER?

DiscoDizzy Sat 20-Sep-08 08:40:41

Mary-i've told him. I didn't expect him to change totally but that I just wanted him to be a bit more positive in life.

Alexa-the reasons he's felt insecure have been surrounding our sexual relationship which he has admitted is now sorted. Recently it has been to do with his thoughts about my past relationships which we have recently discussed and again he now says is resolved.

Counselling is a no no, we've discussed that too.

HappyWoman Sat 20-Sep-08 12:49:28

maybe he did just need a nudge in the right direction and it has been the kick up the bum he needed.

Also disagree that 'acting' can actually help you feel very differntly and therefore is not always a negative thing.

I did some work on myself and did change quite a few little traits that i know had an impact on my h - he noticed and it really has improved things.

sometimes if people look on the negative it takes time to change but i do believe that it can and once you make it a habit it becomes much easier.

HappyWoman Sat 20-Sep-08 12:52:48

one of the little things i changed was dh was always accusing me of being a bit cold towards him (i am not a naturally touchy feely person) he wanted to be greeted home with a kiss - once i started doing it and saw that he made him feel better it sort of became a habit and i am much more touchy and feely with others now too.

Sometimes until someone points out how your actions make you feel you do not realise and it can just be a simple adjustment to make.

DiscoDizzy Mon 22-Sep-08 20:53:15

Been away for the weekend.

Happywoman-thank you. We've had a lovely weekend away together and i'm hopeful that things will straighten themselves soon.

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