friend - what have I done wrong?

[susia]

I used to be really good friend with another mum. We met at least twice a week when I wasn't working and always got on well with our LOs. I returned to work but we always met on the days I wasn't working.

Then my DS (only one child) started school and hers hadn't yet and I started working every day. But as we had often met before on a saturday as her husband works saturdays and I'm a single parent I thought we'd still see each other then. But we hardly did. I contacted her, but she'd take a few days to respond to a text/phone call and we saw each other less and less.

Now my son is Year 1 and her eldest is starting school. I now only work 3 days per week and she doesn't work but has a younger child of 3.

We still occasionally see other, she rings or texts but not often. And if I call her/text her she responds days later. She has just moved so I know she is really busy but I am beginning to get paranoid. Today I texted twice to see if she'd like to meet up with her youngest and she hasn't replied.

[cathcat]

Can you just come out and ask her? It saves a lot of heartache if you can discuss it in a friendly way with her.

[mamazee]

is she ok ? i had a friend who ignored my texts/calls for days and she was really depressed

[susia]

I would if she would answer the phone but she leaves it on answerphone all the time - she always did before.

I have asked her in the past and she said 'nothing' she just been busy and it's more difficult as my son is at school. All that is true but our friendship could have still continued. I feel really sad.

[susia]

I don't think she is depressed as this has been for the last year and she seems fine when I see her.

[mamazee]

is your ds doing well at school ? could be envy ?

[cathcat]

maybe you have grown apart?
Certainly I have noticed over the last few years that it is harder and harder to keep up with people, even really good friends. So maybe there is nothing to worry about. Horrible for you though to feel low about it.
If you had a crisis do you think she would be there for you?

[susia]

my son is doing ok at school - I don't see how it could be envy as hers is only just about to start.

[susia]

I think what it is - is that when I wasn't working so much and our children were off school is was easier to see each other. Now we have to arrange it around school and as she has a younger one that isn't as easy. But I thought we were good friends that would still stay friends whatever.

I will ask her about it - quite bluntly though when she does finally answer me - assuming she does. I'm not going to text again. But I will say that when/if she says everything is fine that I feel it isn't for me.

[cathcat]

good luck, hope it works out for you.

[mamazee]

good luck

[susia]

thanks, thing is I'm not working tomorrow and I know on Fridays she has both her children in either nursery or school. Really tempted to text again and say I really want to talk to her as I know she will be free but I know it would be too needy espec if she didn't reply.

[mamazee]

i'd say don't text..call her..much more difficult to ignore.
i would be really honest and say you are worried and have you done anything etc...be upfront.

[susia]

yeah but if she doesn't anwser the phone its not very easy - sure she won't pick up.

To be honest, I'm tempted to write her a letter, at least I could put everything down and I'm sure she'd respond to that. Seems a bit heavy though.

[mamazee]

brilliant idea..then she will know how much you care and how important it is to you...you can even say that you are scared it may seem a bit heavy ?

[susia]

yeah will do that, it is heavy but important to me so if our friendship is over at least I have tried. I really don't think I've done anything wrong when I think about it as she does sometimes call and we meet up but I do think it upsetting that she doesn't mind it has tailed off like this. she was always keen at one point of having regular arrangements to meet like every tues and saturday etc. But obviously not stuck to that for the last year or so.

[susia]

also scared that it is going to sound like I'm criticising her because I'd be saying that I contact her and she doesn't respond for days etc (whereas she always did before). So don't want her to think I'm really needy AND having a go. Would be much easier face to face but then we'd have to speak on the phone to arrange it and to do that she'd have to pick up the phone...

[mamazee]

maybe you could couch it in a "is it because you are really busy because i have more free time now so i could help" way ?

[susia]

I will try my best to be tactful but I don't want a 'just been really busy' type answer as she has said that before and I don't like it if I say to someone 'do you want to meet for coffee today?' and a week later they say 'sorry I didn't reply earlier - been busy etc'. I just want to say I'd like her to respond to me and still be friends with me or say she's moved on.

[susia]

thanks for your advice though. I will either wait for her to contact me and then meet her and bring it up or will write to her, don't know which.

If it goes well though, will suggest that we make a regular arrangement again though, like every other week after school to see what she says.

[mamazee]

i acted EXACTLY like this when i was depressed.
you need to meet face to face and ask her straight out ...but how do you get to meet..what a conundrum
also are you going to be really hurt if she has moved on ?

[susia]

will be hurt if she has moved on as we get on just as well when we see each other as before, plus our kids get on well. Don't think she is depressed.

On second thoughts I'm going to wait until she contacts me and say to her that I'd like if possible to see her without the kids. If not, than just try to chat with them there. But I think I'll have to wait till she contacts me.

[mamazee]

good luck. its a toughie when someone won't communicate and not fair of her to change the kids friendship.