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How do I tackle my dh and mil - the eternal couple

(41 Posts)
tryingherbest Thu 18-Sep-08 21:49:03

Changed my name but have posted many times and feel ashamed that I'm still in relationship.

What do I best do about this? This year we (meaning me hd and ds) have spent 3.5 months with mil - mainly in my two bedroomed flat. We had to go to her country to pick her up to bring her here and it was only 6 weeks into her stay that I was kindly told she was staying another 4 weeks.

Then I tooks two weeks leave to take ds and spend tme with my mum who lives about 1.5 hours away (but she's quite old) in August - but dh went beserk and instisted we spend one of those weeks in his country. End up spending another week in dh's co0untry to see mil and then only one week with my mum - in August the first time this year.

H and I have big issues. In fact we flew to hd country, spent a tedious week (won't go into that - but I have babysitter status there), fly back to UK and straight to my mum's, dh spends three days and then leaves in a huff at about midnight saying he wants to leave me. My mum had locked up for the night and had to let him 0out. She was worried about him and begged him to stay until morning - he called me all names under the sun to her (eg I was mad, I'm a bitch etc). And left.

Me and ds returned home three days later as I have to go back to work. You don't even want to know the state of the flat in the 4 days he was home alone. He's sulking. I'm trying to keep things togehter. My 70 year old mum is very upset.

Tonight dh is again very upset saying he now has to work over christmas - and he was planning to bring mil here as that what she wants. Note I'm informed, not asked.

Well I'd arranged with him to spend Christmas with my mum as we'd only spent a one week with her to date. He's gone bonkers.

His mum is constanly calling him everyday at work and drives this relationship. Eg. one night Saturday, phone rings, I pick up, there's silence - I keep asking who it is, eventually she says it's her but had thought she'd dialled dh's work - well that shows that she won't ever phone here when I'm around but has a hot line every day to his place of work and this where decisions are made.

How the hell do I manage this. dh won't here a thing about this. No relate, nothing. My parents who are very liberal are hopping mad - given mil know's i've only seen my mum with ds one week this year - what the fxxx is she playing at - and my hd. he keeps citing divorce and threatens to take our ds away.

traceybath Thu 18-Sep-08 21:54:26

Ok - i guess the most important question is do you still love him?

If not (which i'm guessing is the case) i'd make plans to leave him. Ignore his crap about taking your DS away but i would consult a solicitor before speaking to him if you're worried he may do this. Not sure if you're worried he'd leave the country with him?

mazzystar Thu 18-Sep-08 21:59:05

I'd get out
He doesn't respect you, in fact much of what he is saying is emotional abuse.
His mother won't let you be happy together, clearly.

daffodill6 Thu 18-Sep-08 22:00:16

Would your parents support you in leaving him if you wanted to?

Twiglett Thu 18-Sep-08 22:00:35

I'd make sure DS' passport was sent to my mum's house if I were you (just in case)

bozza Thu 18-Sep-08 22:01:42

Good quick starting point from twig. Maybe also birth certificate.

Helga80 Thu 18-Sep-08 22:05:33

Sorry, but I'm another one saying get out and make sure you have DS's passport safe - don't know which country you are referring to but I'd want to make he could taken DS out of the country.

He isn't treating you like an equal, it sounds like you are just seen as the nanny and housekeeper, the real partnership is him and his mother.

Please be strong and really think about yours and DS' future, from this post I don't think you can change things.

FluffyMummy123 Thu 18-Sep-08 22:09:25

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StayFrosty Thu 18-Sep-08 22:10:07

Your dh is behaving appallingly. He is not being fair to you or your mum. How nasty, to get her up out of bed and upset her, and how rude to flounce off from hers after only three days, when you are stuck biting your tongue and being nice to his family under harsh provocation. Worse than this, he makes threats against you using your ds as a potential punishment and refuses to admit there is even a problem?

If someone else had posted your OP, what would you think? What would you tell this woman who is on eggshells, being ganged up on by her dh and mil, and never allowed to have her say on pain of being served divorce papers?

I am so sad for you, but I do not think your dh will ever feel motivated to change while you are there making all the effort and being the one who always gives in and always keeps things ticking over. He's currently in clover, he has you running round after him in RL, and his mum there on the phone telling him he is the golden boy and you are the unreasonable cowbag. I think in order to make him realise how serious this is, you have to separate, even if just for a little while. You absolutely can't go on like this. Even if it wasn't for all the nasty things he says to you (that are ringing 'controlling bastard' alarm bells), your little boy has a right to a relationship with your mum too, as do you; you are still her dd after all.

Next time he threatens you with divorce, call his bluff, better still, beat him to the punch. Could it really be worse than all this? Even if it is not a permanent separation, by showing him that you are not afraid of the thing he uses as his ultimate threat, you will take back the power and force him into considering other methods of resolving things between you - assuming he wants to.

So sorry you are going through this (and that I wrote you an enormous essay).

FluffyMummy123 Thu 18-Sep-08 22:10:23

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tryingherbest Thu 18-Sep-08 22:13:44

Hi all

Yes, I've been through this and got legal advice in relation to rights and custody. It was a one off just for advice and I paid on the spot. only the stupid firm decides to makes notes and send them to my house. I'm at work, husband opens my letter and goes bonkers (a very worrying phone call and I was scared to return home - to this day he feels he was justified in threatening me).

No, I don;t love him anymore but ds does, alot.

My parents are very, very concerned. Are hoping I get a divorce. I would rather just get things on an even keel. We;ve been together 16 years.

My dh isn't hansome, educated or has a good job but he was well known as being a nice guy. And he really was. Sadly now he's like this (I think he's depressed from his general behaviour) there's nothing about him. He has two main pressure points - his horrible job and his mum. However, he's never really learnt english and his mum is just like this - more so since birth of ds - the only grandchild for both sets of parents.

I think the way is to tackle mil - but how - she's seperated from her husband and expects us to compensate - very religious (not mine) and very very passive agressive. You say one word to her and she's a big old victim. I feel she's racist as well, as she's basically tied to her village (can't even travel to her capital city alone) and doesn't like anything she doesn't understand and quite honestly doesn't understand much. I come from the complete opposite - high achivers, educated, multicultural lingual and religious - with absolutely no issues. So, to be honest, I DO struggle with this. I've done things her way over the years and now I feel a fool.

I could stay in a loveless marriage as long as there's general respect - and there isn't at the moment.

I just need advice on how to tackle the root cause before I file for divorce. If I can do anything to save this I will. But in the meantime by hd is bringing me down to the point where I think we're living in some kind of deprivation for nothing.

FluffyMummy123 Thu 18-Sep-08 22:15:05

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FluffyMummy123 Thu 18-Sep-08 22:15:46

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Brangelina Thu 18-Sep-08 22:16:34

Are you the one with the Italian husband from Calabria or somewhere? Blimey, get out now, accep the fact that his mother does control everything and always will, even from her grave. He's a real mamma's boy, you will never never never have any advantage over her.

I don't know why you put yourself through this, you don't have to put up with this shite you know. Do you want your DS to grow up with the same dodgy attitude as his Dad?

Brangelina Thu 18-Sep-08 22:18:37

Sorry, it was my friends ex who was calabrese and I was getting muddled up wrt a*holes. But your husband is still Italian, right? And you had to take your sone to Italy to pick up MIL sometime this Spring?

fuzzywuzzy Thu 18-Sep-08 22:25:50

Do you really love him or is it a case of better the devil you know?

Your son loves him, thats fine, but your son needs to see that the way your H is treating you is not the way to treat a woman definitely not ones wife.

tryingherbest Thu 18-Sep-08 22:26:52

Stayfrosty

Oh shit - you've just made me wake up and see what a coward I'm being. I'm hiding behind something.

I've let my health go and I'm seeing my gp tomorrow for a particular issue I've let go due to all this shit - but I fully intend to let gp know what' going on at home.
He won't see relate or anything - or give me time (he works odd hours and childcare is difficult) off to do anything. I've been out once this year.

I love my ds and if anything I'm just worried that he's brainwashed into their way which is don't be educated you just need your mum to run around you and pay for everything and to live with your paternal grandmother. And just be their religion and despise everyone else. They are from a very deprived background and that's fine for them but my kid is from London and has a varied background and needs to be able to fit in here. I worry as my dh has been here 16 years and hasn't bothered at all with English (I now speak more of his language just going there all the time and picking it up). When I'm at work he constanly brainwashes ds (who's ony 2.3 years old) into his nationality (ds is actually British and I have his passport) and religion and food. I was never brought up that way and I never had any problems with my very varied family, none at all.

I just need the courage.

His mum is a desperate woman, my sil is an anorexic and a proclaimed fascist who hates foreigners (including me) and my dh is so, so low that it makes me nervous that he's desperate. It's not like talking to an adult at all.

I know my rights it's just this - I don't want to be a single mum unless I absolutely have to. I just find it so intimidating - to the point where my family who know me best are incredulous at my reaction to everything.

Do I tackle mil -and if so - how?

tryingherbest Thu 18-Sep-08 22:28:44

Yep, it's me - I'm busted.
Seriously - my dh was THE nicest guy - how do I get that back - ensure ds has access to all his family and roots.

Feel a prat now.

BecauseImWorthIt Thu 18-Sep-08 22:30:09

What on earth is the point of staying in this relationship? You're getting nothing from it, your dh (or hd as you keep typing) doesn't love you and it's hardly a good environment for your child to be growing up in.

What's the point of worrying about tackling your MIL? It's not going to work for you. It will only backfire.

Leave and get on with a better life.

solidgoldbrass Thu 18-Sep-08 22:32:58

Just get away from these vicious ignorant peasants. You have clearly tried hard to be reasonable for years: it's not worked and it's not going to, so now you need to protect yourself and your DS. We can't help having fuckwitted relatives, we can minimize their moronic, toxic influence but not putting up with it, by seeing them only on our own terms.

Heated Thu 18-Sep-08 22:34:36

You might have sufficient affection for dh to hold you together but can the same be said back? He doesn't show you tenderness, respect or love sad; he saves that for his mother. What is going to happen the person you are if this continues and meanwhile your dc is being moulded by this? Think your family are right to worry.

Are you going really going to wait until the old bat drops of her perch & then hope your dh magically transforms?

Heated Thu 18-Sep-08 22:37:10

Think being a single parent and not having to put up with him or the old bat might be a blessed relief.

Soapbox Thu 18-Sep-08 22:42:10

I think perhaps it is too late for you to escape?

They seem to have caught you up in their web of fear and resistance to change. Have snared you into being afraid of wanting anything better from your life.

How sad, that now they have you in their clutches, as sure as day follows night, your son will follow.

Look at your DH - this is what your son will become.

Is this really what you want?

Katisha Thu 18-Sep-08 22:47:02

You've got to leave - this isn't healthy for anyone.
How do you envisage the "tackling of MIL" would actually go? Would it really make any difference - would she suddenly see the light? I don't think so to be honest - she is set in her ways. He backs her up, not you. They are a united front against you.

You may have to get an injunction taken out if he starts up the threatening again. It'll be tough but it has to be done I think otherwise you are going to be ill and you have to be strong for your boy.

See here and look at the emotional/verbal abuse bits.

tryingherbest Thu 18-Sep-08 22:52:38

Soapbox

That resonates. I'm known as being really dynamic and a doer - but perhaps this is really what I am in private. Pathetic. I want my son to have good relations with everyone but perhaps not at this cost.

My mil - to see - is really sweet - but it's all manipulation and even my friends who have met her are a bit suspicious. It's all OK when things are done here way (no one else would do things her way) but if you put one step out of line she gets funny. But, come one, lots and lots of people have difficult mils and they cope 0- the question is what am I doingwrong.

I reckon people are right - by just taking it I'm making it worse. DH was really remote after the incident with my mum - I thought he FINALLY understood - but no, a week later, back to normal - just ignoring, upset as his arrangements re his mum coming here (I had no idea about this) had gone wrong. He hasn't got a clue and you just can't get through to him. He's so unhappy in England, yet I'm not going to live over there.

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