Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Total loss of libido since being a mum(41 Posts)
I have no words of wisdom I'm afraid, just wanted to say I'm in virtually the same position as you - libido dropped after ds1 (age 3.5) and completely awol since ds2 (1.7).
I do occasionally think it might be worth going to talk to the doctor. Take Pink Diamonds suggestion? I will if you will.
Souvenir - tbh, I suspect there isn't anything a doctor can do - unless someone on here can tell us otherwise?
On the other hand, maybe nobody will look for 'female viagra' unless extent of problem is known? Not that I think that's the solution - don't know if viagra is lack of libido or libido but no results - but if there is a chemical or physical problem, maybe drs could try to solve?
I am another one with the same problem, ever since dd (22mths) was born - no urge, would be perfectly happy to never have it again.
Will be following this one hoping for a solution
Just a quick comment from someone with the same experience. Some people say that if you are on the pill your sex drive suffers (god DOES have a sense of humour). So think about changing your contraception.
I find that taking evening primrose oil capsules help me, make me much more likely to feel the 'stirrings' IYSWIM, worth a try for 2 or 3 weeks to see if it helps.
Also try to find time for the 2 of you, alone together, as you were before children. I think the fact that you are now a 'different person' has an effect.
blimey souvenir, it's scary to read, that sounds very much like me. Possibly the only difference is I don't have IUD - but since we use condoms, there's no hope that I can blame it all on the pill.
I am actually still b/f, albeit only once a day, and I put the 'lack' of sensitivity down to that - but if it's a long time since you b/f, then that won't help you. And I fear I might be clutching at straws myself with that explanation.
As for 'further down' sensitivity, well I've had some tests associated with continence since I had a third degree tear. Hasten to add that I considered that I'd actually healed quite well and didn't consider any problems to be problems, iyswim. However, they did establish that there was quite a bit of nerve damage. I know that it's possible that this is the source of my sex problems, and that I ought to talk to dr about it. Nerve damage, incidentally, was suggested to have been caused by extremely long stage 2, as much as the tear.
Anyway, that's probably all tmi, but do think about approaching dr - and/or doing one of those 'chat with hospital mw to talk through birth' things, in case that might throw up any ideas (and mw might be easier to talk to about 'these things'?)
Souvenir - you haven't pissed people off with your "beautiful Mums" thread I think it's a case of old-timers (I guess I'd be one too!) having been there, done that and it went very pear-shaped. There were a couple of threads a while back about voting for your favourite MNer (like an American yearbook: Funniest, Best Advice..etc. etc) and it all got very sour and accusations of cliqueyness (one of MN's old chestnuts) ended up being flung around. I think that's why there was a general response of "let's not go there" on your thread. You inadvertently stumbled into a minefield - not your fault, and no-one is mad at you!
Anyway, I digress. In response to your original question: my libido is virtually non-existent; I can muster up more enthusiasm after some alcohol. For me it's a combination of tiredness, some resentment towards dh for various things (nothing major, just usual marital niggles) and - most significant - being on the pill and anti-depressants. I'm hoping for an improvement when I manage to come off the anti-d's.
I think as you had such a good sex life before - it's hopeful you can get that back. I'm not quite sure how though - have you tried looking on amazon for books about loss of libido/improving your sex life (hope that doesn't sound patronising!)
Best of luck.
like souvenier i feel exactly the same as though i want space and its an invasion of it..my hubbie has very high sex drive ..one i`ve never beeen able to keep up with but since kids..last one 3.5 yrs ago .nothing..nada..!! and try as i might i cant do anything about it..its such a bother to do it and then it causes big troubles between us as he feels left out and pushed away but by the time i`ve put kids to bed and tidied away i`m ready for bed myself..to sleep!! i feel as though its not the same down there either. its a lack of sensitivity and where i was cut and had a tear it can sometimes hurt or feel uncomfortable i cant face having a dr having a look in that i have issues still left over from a difficult birth/bad midwife!!!! god knows whether it will ever come back but i`m trying st john`s wort to help overcome tiredness and general apathy that i`ve had since kids and last week i actually felt a glimmer of the old me but i mean glimmer but hey its a start...by the way i think this thread will ring true about a lot of women after giving birth etc
Once a week sounds a lot to me!
We average about once a month since having the kids!
agree with blue teddy...
Personally, I feel too physically and emotionally drained with ds to cope with dh's physical needs...
I am like blueteddy, too. I do everything I can to avoid sex whereas before the babies I was a real goer . To make things worse, after dd was born (2000), I thought I was in love with my gynae & got so worried I saw a sex-therapist!She did no bloody good whatsoever, at least for me but maybe useful to someone else. Don't fancy my dh, don't fancy anyone. V. sad but I hope it will pass.
I have to fake everything, so sorry but I do. Great relief to finally admit this, BTW.
What a relief to see I am not abnormal!!!
at thinking you were in love with your gynae sansoci!!!
Can sympathise with everyone, felt the same for ages after birth of 2 kids. Breastfeeding does supress libido massively, as does tiredness and resentment to partner for not helping enough etc. Agree also about the pill, it tells your body you are pregnant and when I was pg, did not fancy sex much (tho know that a lot of others do).
Things have improved massively with me and dp and I put it down to a number of things. Firstly, not being pg or breastfeeding anymore (did both almost continuously for nearly 4 years) helped with the return of libido. Having periods again also helped as always feel more up for it when ovulating. But I think what helped us the most was going to Relate (unconnected to sex life) as it sorted out and aired a lot of issues that had built up over the years.
IMO, sex for women is 99% 'head', 1% physical. A man can do all the right things but if you are not happy deep down, it won't work. Well that's what it's like for me. If you are feeling used (be it by babies, toddlers, partner) then you resent / avoid giving your body to your partner because it is the only way you can get some of yourself back. If that makes sense.
My Mum was a sex therapist for Relate for many years and she said one of the most common reasons for referral was 'gone off it' (either woman or man). It is very treatable. If your lack of libido is a problem, then talking to a professional can help you find the source and hopefully a way forward. Finding a good counsellor is like finding a good gp, the first one you meet may not be the one you like. So if you have a bad experience with a counsellor, if you have the energy, try again. I really hope you can sort it all out.
same here! Im so young and have no sex drive wots so ever.i hope it gets better for our poor dh's sake!
can relate to the lack of libido post baby, but some of it comes from the fact that my body hasn't returned to normal and feel rather unattractive, which doesn't help mentally for sex. Also dh was not into me at all when pregnant, so at least your dh likes your bod no matter what!
i know its alredy been said by everyone but its nice to know that im somewhat normal!
when i do occasionallly do it with dh i usually end up fantasising.. crazy cos i do love dh dearly but im afraid i just need a little fantasy to help me on my way!
sex drive is practically non-existent most of the time, and again, like so many of you dh has incredible sex drive and would do it on the hour every hour if he could..#
but thats just it isnt it.. we.re built so differently, men and women..
and wouldnt it be wonderful if someone somewhere invented a majic pill for us eh.. pop it and whey hey, we're off..
again had great sex drive until kids came along so just maybe its somethig to do with the changes we go thro physically, emmotionally, hormonally,
heres hopin somebody will bring with them a solution
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.