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We've been together 20 years. We have two small children. We're talking about getting married and rather than being pleased it seems rather depressing.

(32 Posts)
fruitmachine Thu 18-Sep-08 14:41:20

we're both knackered and at that once-a-week if you are lucky stage. Its not what I thought my wedding day would be like. We've been together since we were 16 and while I love admire and respect him I also know his crappy bits and he knows mine. We have no vibrant romance left with two kids under 3. I don't want to leave him in any way but pretending its all moonlight and roses seems a sham. Theres no real reason to get married - it came about as a conversation about how annoying it is to have a different surname from my toddlers at the doctors surgery. Any advice? Should I get married when the whole thing just seems a bit jaded and sad now? We're not unhappy by the way. We laugh and support one another but we're not really the typical bride and groom.

Do I sound like a cow? I just wanted to spend my wedding night in the throws of passion - I reckon we'd end up having a quickie and putting the telly on.

fruitmachine Thu 18-Sep-08 14:46:09


onepieceoflollipop Thu 18-Sep-08 14:48:35

If it's just the name issue you could change your surname by deedpoll if you really wanted to. Some women keep their own surname for work etc but change to their partner's for personal reasons. (or he and the children could change to your name of course! )

p.s. of course you are knackered with 2 los, I think that is just how it is for some of us.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

throckenholt Thu 18-Sep-08 14:51:38

the best reason when you have kids is because of the legal side of things - it is so much easier to be married.

So - either have nice party and celebrate being together for 20 years by getting married - or do it quietly with just you and the witnesses - much the same as you would go and formalise a will (for much the same reasons too).

Being knackered is par for the course with young kids I find.

OrmIrian Thu 18-Sep-08 14:54:10

But that's ideal fruitmachine IMO. Marriage is not about romance and wild sex. It's about commitment and dedication and love (real longterm love) not lust. You've proved that you have that. So you know what to expect. Have the lovely wedding and enjoy yourselves, maybe have a honeymoon away from the DCs (and you will appreciate more now that you have children than you would have done when you were footloose). It may well change the way you feel about each other - bring back some of the sparkle.

fruitmachine Thu 18-Sep-08 14:55:59

this is the thing - it all seems to be about legal and financial stuff. I imagined a tiara and swooning when I was 10. It would all be about forms and a suit from Principles now

plantsitter Thu 18-Sep-08 14:56:08

Maybe you could use your wedding as a way of creating some vibrant romance for yourselves? Things are bound to be a bit bogged down in the every day, but really making a statement about your feelings for *each other* and not just your children and the everyday life you've made together (though of course that's part of it) seems like it could be just what you need. Who needs moonlight and roses when you've got love and laughter and support? Celebrate it! Shout it from the rooftops!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fruitmachine Thu 18-Sep-08 14:57:22

orm - the honeymoon bit sounds blissful. Not sure I could leave them though

OrmIrian Thu 18-Sep-08 14:57:29

Can manage some time away from home and the DCs?

hughjarssss Thu 18-Sep-08 14:58:25

Fruit Machine - I have been with dh since I was 18 and we have been together 9 years now. We have one dd and have lived together for a while.

We decided to get married for the reasons MMJ has already mentioned, to give us legal and financial protection. Not the most romantic reasons, but after 9 years, a dd and living together, there didn't seem to be any other reason to get married.

On Saturday we got married and it was fabulous in our own way. We made it special for us by doing the things we wanted and ignoring the normal traditions. We also managed to do it on a small budget.

It has brought us so close and we are acting like we did when we first met, before the stress of a mortgage and a newborn baby took their toll.

You can make it special if you put the effort in - turn into a fabulous day which you will remember forever

unavailable Thu 18-Sep-08 14:58:59

My sister got married recently after 15 years and 2 kids together. Like you, it was for grown up responsibility reasons (names pensions, wills etc) rather than full blown romance. Dont knock it though - she had a lovely small registry office do and then back to theirs for a party in the garden. It was an excuse for a great reunion with family and friends they hadnt seen for ages, and everone had a fab time. They didnt have the usual amount of stress that goes with planning a full on white wedding and didnt spend a fortune.
If you dont fancy that how about marrying abroad somewhere you couldnt usually afford / have always wanted to go. The kids will feel really included and it will be special for all of you. Marrying later has alot to recommend it in my book.

fruitmachine Thu 18-Sep-08 14:59:16

mmj - I'd be wearing crayon girl lipstick and a snow white costume if the 10 year old me had anything to do with it :D

TwoMore Thu 18-Sep-08 15:02:06

What about planning a secret elopement, might make it a bit more fun? Do you have someone who can babysit for 24 hours? Or how about a quickie lunch hour do, we did that (similar situation) and it felt quite naughty Also, because it was just the two of us it felt very special and private and actually quite intense. I'm so glad we did it that way, so stress free and we still think it was fab. You need a plan, just for the two of you. What do you really want? They do the shortest wedding ceremony in NY apparently, I thought that sounded fun. Try and make it personal not just going threw the motions.

AbricotsSecs Thu 18-Sep-08 15:04:25

Message withdrawn

fruitmachine Thu 18-Sep-08 15:06:18

grin @ hoochie - really? that sounds nice

AbricotsSecs Thu 18-Sep-08 15:07:26

Message withdrawn

beanstalk Thu 18-Sep-08 15:08:27

Congratulations hughjarssss! I've just got married too and I thought a bit like you fruitmachine, but a day that is just about the two of you, with all of your friends and family there is more romantic than you think. And loads of fun. We went on a 5 night city break for our honeymoon which was just enough to be a break but without leaving DD with her grandparents for too long. We went out for dinner every night, slept when we wanted to, it was great!

HappyWoman Thu 18-Sep-08 15:08:56

even those of us who did it the traditional way didnt get it the way we wanted.

It was lovely though for its own reasons but if i did it again it would be so different now - more personal for me and partner.

Go for it and celebrate the years you have already had.
But then i dont need an excuse for a party anytimegrin.

hughjarssss Thu 18-Sep-08 15:12:26

Congratulations beanstalk! grin

BroccoliSpears Thu 18-Sep-08 15:14:29

How funny to see this thread now. Depressing is exactly the right word.

I'm getting married in a few days time. Don't really want to, but for various reasons it is very sensible to.

I absolutely love dp to bits and back again and wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with anyone else. Have been together over a decade and have 2 gorgeous children. I just hate weddings and really don't want to get married. Neither does he.

So, we're doing it but we're a bit meh about it. Will probably wear jeans, won't exchange rings, I'm not changing my name. We haven't told anyone and dp might even go back to work in the afternoon.

I know we could invite a couple of people and I could wear a nice outfit and then go out for lunch, but somehow the thought of grinning rigidly in my principles suit (!) in a big echoey registry office seems utterly depressing and we'd rather not.

Sorry, rambly - shoogling crochety baby as I type. Have been no help, but you are not alone.

fruitmachine Thu 18-Sep-08 15:15:51

broccoli - good god. I thought I was grumpy !grin

plus3 Thu 18-Sep-08 15:16:53

We got married last year after 10yrs together and 2 children and it was absolutly lovely. I do understand where you are coming from, but we still managed to do the full wedding thing - married in DH family church, with reception in marquee in parent's garden with upto 60 of closest friends & family (and all their children!) It was the right (for us) mix of traditional & informal and everyone had a fab time. I loved that our DC were involved in the day, and that I was marrying the man I love -warts & all. When I look at the pictures my post baby tummy is very obvious (to me grin) and my bags weren't as covered up as I thought - but I look so bloody happy!!!

Think of all the different ways you could do it, and see what appeals.

beanstalk Thu 18-Sep-08 15:19:22

Thanks hughjarssss grin and to Hoochie too.

Broccoli, fair enough doing it quietly but surely you can get your closest friends together in the pub in the evening for a session few drinks ;-) You have a great relationship and lovely kids, that must be worth celebrating huh?

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