Family a nightmare and will have crap birthday as a result. (long)

[MollyCherry]

Oops!
Anyway - to cut a long story short (or not!). I don't get on with MIL, DH doesn't get on with my parents and my mum and MIL HATE each other. This causes major aggro every Christmas - I've been physically ill the last 2 with stress as a result.
My birthday this wknd, DD's was last weekend, so arranged to have had day out with hubby and DD on Saturday and for me and DD to go out with my parents on Saturday night (they usually take me and LO out for her birthday but didn't this year as it was on a Saturday and we had party that day.
DH was supposed to be playing cards at a friends house, but now it has relocated to ours. When he told me I said I might see about leaving DD at home so I could go out on own with parents. Hadn't got round to talking about it with them when MIL asked of she could have DD for a sleepover Saturday night as she has her other grandkids (DD's cousins who she only sees about 4 times a year, and gets on well with) that night.
I quite like the idea as it would make a change to see my parents and be able to have a proper conversation with them. My mum esp thinks the sun shines out of LO and I can't get her attention for love not money when DD's in the room! Anyway, Mum is apoplectic and the idea, says MIL always gets her own way and gets us to change things to suit her etc (not entirely untrue - she's a total pita and we get all sorts of threats and drama). So now my mum wants to cancel the whole thing if she doesn't get her way, and hubby will be sulking all weekend if MIL doesn't get her way, as he says she doesn't see LO now I'm not working. I did point out that I have never stopped her phoning to ask if she could seee her/ tale her out but she hasn't once rung and asked in the 2 and a half months since I was made redundant.
Sorry it's so long but had to vent. Any suggestions (beyond a one way ticket to the Maldives and sod the lot of 'em)

[saadia]

How old is dd ? Maybe ask her what she would prefer. I would be tempted to tell your mum and MIL that they are taking all the fun out of what is supposed to be a celebration and they are not being fair.

[yousaidit]

Christ, they sound like a worse set than my lot!!! Well, your mum does sound like she's been out of order, and that it's the fact that it's your MIL who would be having your dd that's caused her to kick off, rather than the saturday night meal being cancelle or your dd staying in with her dad, so, if i was in your shoes i'd take the bull by the horns and just say to your mum her attitude isn't helping, she's making you ill, and to make things easier, you're cancelling saturday night, and your mum can do what she pleases with the evening because you won't be there or involved. Now, deep breath, forget any niggly guilty feelings and that's your mum sorted! As for your MIL, f she has your dd's cousins over, and they don't see each other often and you know this is a genuine request and not hastily arranged to get one over on your mum, then why not go for it? But, i'd use this to point out to your hubby that if his mum has got your dd for night, he's got you! Hence, some treating wouldn't go amiss! Otherwise, if you feel like letting mil have your dd is 'giving n' just say to your dh you're sick of all the falling out, and either you dh and dd go out tgether or dh stays in with dd so neither granny gets her and you just please yourself!!

I'd be inclined to just start saying no to any parent that gives you grief till they start seeing that being a whiney pain in the arse gets you no wheer and hopeful;ly gets them to temper their attitude!!!

[IfYouDidntLaughYoudCry]

What a shame that you are in this situation and that they cannot see what stress they are causing. If it were me, I would tend to really spell this out to your mum, she should have you and DD's needs above all else.

[yousaidit]

Why not go away just and dd, but get your mil, mum abd dh is=n same room and say 'You're all driving me up the chuffing wall and making me ill'? Sod the lot of them: and give dh a bollocking for moaning when he should put a boot up his own mothers arse instead of siding with her when you've said your happy prepared to put up with her coming round: he should be saying its whatever you want, not getting ready to get lip out!

[MollyCherry]

saadia My mum suggested that as well, but only if I asked DD in front of her. Even at 4 she's aware to some degree of the tension and I don't think that's fair. To be honest I know without a doubt she'd choose the meal with me and my olds over her cousins in a second

yousaidit - I'm glad it's not me - I seem to see everything from everyone's point of view and end up driving myself mad. I'd love to get the 3 of them in a room together but I'm not into housework at the best of times and clearing up the bodies would just be too much of a pain in the arse!

[2rebecca]

Are LO and DD the same person? I'm totally confused.
I must admit I'd be inclined to just see less of the lot of them, it sounds as though your mum has overreacted here, after all you were supposed to be going out with your parents for your birthday not your daughter's and if she is LO it sounds as though a meal with just your parents would be a more of a treat than supervising a small sprog in a restaurant.
If it was my mother I would tell her I'm hurt that she doesn't seem to value time with me and doesn't think it's worth coming if my children aren't there.
I suspect your daughter would rather see her cousins given the chance, so I'd let her choose where she goes and tell the old women to get a life and some hobbies.
(I actually wouldn't do that but I hate the way some grandparents seem to want to turn their grandchildren into their raison d'etre )

[more]

It is hard, because they way I read this you did agree to go out with your parents and your DD (it being a tradition).

Then MIL phones and asks if she can have DD for the night which you say yes to. So you have by this time agreed to DD being in two places, with people that all love and adore her, at the same time.

If you want some alone time with your parents then you should tell them this and set up a dinner date for it to happen, whilst your partner or MIL looks after DD.

[MadameCastafiore]

God they all sound like they need to grow up - your mother too - bloody emotional blackmail to get her own way - you agreed for your MIL to have your LO so you need to sort this out - tell your mother that you agreed and that you would like to see her on her own and if she still throws a tantrum about it tell her she is being unreasonable and go out with your friends.

[Dropdeadfred]

Your mother thinks its apprpropriate to ask a 4 yr ld in front of her grandmother??? how manipulating is she??!?!

I would tell them BOTH to get stuffed in no uncertain terms and leave dd at home with dh sat night and go out with a friend...

[MmeLindt]

The way I see it, your mum was looking forward to seeing her DGD when you mentioned that MIL would like to have her overnight. (Before you could mention that you would like to leave DD at home so you could have an evening with your mum?

Sounds like your Mum is just jealous that MIL is having DD. Although, reading back this is a tradition that they take you and DD out for your birthdays?

Tbh, then I can understand your mum being upset. She wants to take you both out for your birthdays and now her arch enemy wants to steal DGD away.

Could you arrange to have a birthday party with DD and your parents another time?

You need to tell your mum that you would like to spend some time with her and your dad alone, that you love your DD but you need time with them without her.

If they are still all bickering, then leave DD with MIL and go out with a friend to celebrate your birthday and stuff the lot of them.