Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.


(29 Posts)
Mum2OliverJames Wed 17-Sep-08 10:15:25


Has left my son without a dad.
He has made me a single mum.
On benefits.
Will have to move because cant afford house.
Now i dont get a break - at all.
He isnt admitting to charges police are trying to charge him with.
Keeps invading my dreams.
Has left me with no friends.
Has left me living away from family.
Wont seek help for his anger.
I feel like he is still in control of me.

And top of this somehow i still love him sad

just wanted to be able to have a cry at someone but i dont have anyone to cry at sad

CountessDracula Wed 17-Sep-08 10:16:44

Do you really still love him
Or are you just mourning for the person you thought he was?
You can cry at me...

Lauriefairycake Wed 17-Sep-08 10:16:49


try and work out why you still love him (look at the evidence)

stop giving him hoose-room in your head

and look after yourself lots

Lauriefairycake Wed 17-Sep-08 10:17:39

try and turn your focus away from him and onto you - you are the one you have to live with and you deserve the care and attention- not him

Alambil Wed 17-Sep-08 10:19:57

Love him or love the idea of a "proper" family, because if you're like me - to begin with, SP families aren't "proper"?

Did he abouse you?

Every time he pops in your head, make yourself say "No. I won't let this happen" and think of something else.... it's hard, but over time it gets easier

Being on benefits won't be forever - it may be a long short-term plan (ie like me - 5 yrs so far) but I'm counting the days til I'm off it

Can you move back to your family area? You can apply for council housing there as you have familial links

You can cry at us - we're good at dishing out the kleenex

Spellcheck Wed 17-Sep-08 10:20:24

God, I wish I knew what to say that could help you! I know the anger, frustration and injustice you feel, he sounds like a real tosser angry.

If you have to leave your home angry is it possible to move back to near your family? You need them. Would be good if they could help with childcare so you can get a job of some sort which is always a good way to make new friends. Also help get your xp out of your head!

Really feel for you, hope someone on here has some good advice for you xx

Mum2OliverJames Wed 17-Sep-08 10:31:27

i think i just miss bedtimes cuddles
i hate the silent house mine has become at night.
i miss him looking after DS whilst i cook dinner, now DS just stands at the baby gate crying (whatever i try to do to keep him occupied) sad
I miss someone to talk to sad

Mum2OliverJames Wed 17-Sep-08 10:33:14

Yes i think i miss the 'proper' family

I always wanted to DS to have the family that i loved being part of sad

Mum2OliverJames Wed 17-Sep-08 10:37:21

He was OK most of the time but he has done some completely unforgiveable things to me (he split my head open when i was 9mths PG and shouted at me when i was crying)
I know he is a complete tosser but i think that because he was the only person i could have a cuddle with comfortably i may be worried that i will never have bed time cuddles again.

Not that i want another relationship - just closeness with someone

Spellcheck Wed 17-Sep-08 10:38:23

Talk to us!! I am facing the same thing as you, dreading the quiet house at night and kids confused and upset. And total, utter responsibility for it all...sad

But just think in a few years when you are in a better place, you will look back and be so proud of yourself and how you've brought up your DS not to be the same kind of person as xp. And you might be part of a different happy family then, who knows? smile

Mum2OliverJames Wed 17-Sep-08 10:38:39

am trying to get a house near my family - through womans aid
in fact that appt is at 11 so i had better get ready! will check here as soon as i get back

Mum2OliverJames Wed 17-Sep-08 10:40:44

i know i did the right thing but some niggling part of me wishes that i had just taken it, then i wouldnt be so lonely now.

Mum2OliverJames Wed 17-Sep-08 10:42:06

spell check i would like to talk, but i have to go, pls keeep your eye on this thread so when i get back and your next on your pc we can chat smile

Alexa808 Wed 17-Sep-08 10:47:05

Hello Mum2OJ, do you have any support in RL? Are you close to your family? Can anyone help you with your ds and the house?

I'm sorry you are feeling so angry and have been abused. sad Could you join a Mum's group? Or go to coffee mornings to get out of the house with your ds?

What were you working as before? Is there a chance you could go back to work? Have you had legal advice on the housing situation?

TheNaughtiestGirlIsaMonitor Wed 17-Sep-08 10:48:10

Well stop loving him and line up your ducks honey.

My x gives us nothing, but is a very wealthy man. Beggars belief but he expects to waltz in and out of the children's lives, claims to love them but won't contribute at all. He has various warped mentally ill reasons for believing that this is fair. He's not normal.

You're better off without such a top notch loser in your life. Your son will have a face to the name Daddy, he will be fine. They may have a good relationship. Annoying though it is, children do seem to love a grade A wanker.

I hate my x as well, but your post made me feel better, because at least Iknow I'm sane enough and not masochistic enought to love such a sad article as my x.

TheNaughtiestGirlIsaMonitor Wed 17-Sep-08 10:51:45

ps, countess dracula is right. I sometimes feel sad that MY life hasn't turned out to be the whole 2.4 shebang. I envy other people THEIR lovely husbands and wonder why I picked such a mean unreasonable man.

BUT...... I don't confuse this with love. I know he was never worthy of me, and at least now, there's a chance for me to be happy and for the children to be happy in an unconventional but still functional family.

There are lots of single parents about now. We are not the social oddities we once were. My dc goes to a very 'nice' school iykwim (state though) and there are 2 other children out of 26 with single mums. That's about 8% or something (?).

You will start to feel less upset about it in time. YOu'll start to feel stronger and you'll see his faults as nothing other than faults. ANd you'll feel relief that you're not with him.

solidgoldbrass Wed 17-Sep-08 11:04:14

Please, please, please, all of you, DITCH the bullshit about how bad it is to be alone. This is a myth. It is not true. Being single is better than being in a couple about 80% of the time - just look at all these threads about men who are lazy, men who are critical, men who are selfish - a very large number of men seem to see women as domestic appliances, not people.
And whatever you do, don't devote your time to hunting for a new partner when you have only just got out of a bad relationship: your thinking will be screwed and you will be an absolute nutter magnet - the very best you are going to get in that mindset would be a cocklodger, but far more likely it will be a violent predator.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 17-Sep-08 14:28:29

he hasn't ruiend your life, he's doing this now because you're allowing him to do it.

how long have you been split up?

if you feel he's in control still then start standing up to him, if you feel threatened to do it alone do it on the phone, or with someone else there.

I don't know your circs, but do know what it's like to have an abusive contorlling manipulative twat for an X.

are you in love with him, or is it you think you love him as no one else will love you? you have to mourn for the loss of the man you thought he was along with the future you could have had.

being a LP isn't easy granted but it's sure as hell easier than being in an abusive lonely marriage - I know which i'd pick - my own time, space & self worth any day over what I had with X.

also are you only thinking about the good times and not the bad?

oh and you are a 'proper' family. pratice this phrase from drop dead fred (I know poor film, choice but...)

'I don't need a man to complete my life'

you and your DC's are a family. just not a 'boring bog standard one!' yours is special. I think it's how you look at it tbh.

we're a year down the line, and I have wobbles still. have a fab new beau but you knwo what, in the last year i've been on dates/was with someone for about 6-8 weeks ish, and well, it was the biggest mistake - I wish I hadn't bothered as it took so much energy and just felt me feeling depleted again.

focus on you and your DC's, get out for groups etc etc and make a network again. it's hard yes but it's do-able. when the time is right you'll meet a nice chap who will treat you right, and you'll also be able to say to him, 'you know what... i'm walking this way.. if you don't like it there's the door I don't care' instead of being currently in a place of saying 'don't leave and trying to draw them close' as the other poster says that will lead to the wrong sorts of men.

SmugColditz Wed 17-Sep-08 14:31:15

read this

that was my life, and I cannot tell you how much more settled and relaxed I am now.

You are in love with the nuclear family, not the bastard who attacked you while you were pregnant with the sweet little boy you have now.

TheNaughtiestGirlIsaMonitor Wed 17-Sep-08 14:41:58

Solidgoldbrass, I agree with you. being single is good for me. It's having no money that's a bit of a problem,,,,, but however!! At least now I can get on with just living, and not be undermined, criticised, controlled etc...

TheNaughtiestGirlIsaMonitor Wed 17-Sep-08 14:54:31

WOW smugcolditz, I read that and you write very well. I set up a blog just before I left my x, and it was such a release for me. People started leaving supportive comments for me, and telling me that I made them laugh, even though what I was going through was awful.

My x had installed a key logger and he hacked into my blog and deleted it abuot sxi months after I'd left him. I was devastated. He made one post "all of this was **&^ing lies".

Everytime I feel like the odd one out, for being single, I just take a look at the relationships board and count my blessings that I don't have that kind of albatross 'round my neck anymore!

Mum2OliverJames Wed 17-Sep-08 15:42:21

We have been split up for nearly 2 weeks now, so not a long time!
He is not allowed to speak to me even through a 3rd party or come onto my street.

I DO feel relieved he's not here but i mourn for the good times we had together, we did have some, admitedly not many!

i just wish he had got help for his anger like i had begged him to time and time again, then maybe we could have had a perfect little family.

There is no going back now though, even though i miss him being around i will never go back - i just need a good slap and to be told to snap out of it i think sad

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 17-Sep-08 15:49:00

sweetie, 2 weeks isn't long at all. and tbh no one has the 'perfect' family life, what you mean is the whole 'traditional' set up - ie mum dad and child.

usually those who have 'perfect' lifes are hiding problems which they don't want the outside world to see - be it a mount of debt, bad marriage what ever it is.

you're lashing out and angry which is perfectly understandable, but honestly thou you need to grieve for what you've had/lost.

am I right in thinking it was your X who contacted you via your mum with a box of stuff for your DC? (forgive me if it's not you.)

we're all over on LP's if you want to chat - it's not that bad, you get used to it, and surprisingly it doesn't take too long to do it. you're lifes still beginning.

MadameCastafiore Wed 17-Sep-08 15:49:51

Honey there will be a time when it is easier - when you miss someone but not necessarily him and that someone will come along at some point, someone who deserves you and treats you how you deserve to be treated and who above all is a good role model for your DS. Someone your DS will see idolising you and then he will grow up to treat women properly.

You are well rid!

SpandexIsMyEnemy Wed 17-Sep-08 15:58:37

i remember now have spoken to you on here before.

sorry my first post sounded harsh - we honestly don't set out to be lone parents but the alternative of what you had - well - as you say you've told everyone so there is no going back.

how are the Xinlaws now.

just make sure you and DS have quality time together, spend time in the comfort & protection of your family.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now