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worry this is fairly typical, but I still need some support because I am feeling the pull.....

(16 Posts)
chocolatemummy Tue 16-Sep-08 16:25:59

Don't know whether I am just bored or exhausted with lifes stresses. Everything is kind of an even keal at the moment job wise but my relationship is doing my head in! My husband is amazing in so many ways (I dont know how he puts up with me most of the time) BUT I am feeling very separated from him at the moment, if I go out socially its ususally on my own with friends and never really with him, because he cant be bothered.We are always broke despite both working really hard and I'm just feeling the strain of living with a depressed man for years now. Part of it is his depression part of it is just HIM. He is very unsociable and I'm the opposite, I strive and work hard for a better life and he 'can't see the point' I have lots of friends and he never bothers with (and has therefore lost) most of his. He says its me that has a problem because he is happy as he is. He has no respect for himself, doesnt care what he wears and is piling weight on yet will not contemplate doing any kind of sport/activity to get fitter. Our daughter is very naughty at times and I just feel like he is useless and too soft, I am the one battling with her all the time. I am fed up with it/him I think and being temnpted elsewhere which I am doing my hardest to resist but its geting harder and harder!! sorry quite rushed as dont get chance much anymore, got to go but would appreciate some support and check it/chat later {smile}

YeahBut Tue 16-Sep-08 16:28:22

Is he seeking help for his depression? Lack of motivation is very common, however I can see that if he is not trying to help himself that you would find it very draining.

chocolatemummy Tue 16-Sep-08 16:49:10

he was on anti depressants for about a year but is not anymore, sometimes he says he needs to go back on them and other times he says he is okay and its my problem and when he says this a get S000000 frustrated, I think is this is for the nest 40 yeasr because i think I would go mad

chocolatemummy Tue 16-Sep-08 16:59:20

do I just need a slap in the face or have I got a point here that it takes two, he does a lot housework wise and is a great dad in that he is there and love our daughter but CRAP at discipline and crap at most other bloody things so it feels!

HappyWoman Tue 16-Sep-08 17:09:43

if he is even thinking he needs to go back on ads i think he should tbh.

Pheebe Tue 16-Sep-08 17:50:16

Have to say what you describe sounds like someone sinking back into depression. You might need to get tough with him. Does he have a psych/counsellor assigned to him you could contact? If not make him an appointment with teh GP and take him there. Consider bluntly explaining to him the damage this is doing to your relationship but be careful to emphasise how much you love and respect him and that you want to help and support him. Perhaps arrange some time for you to be together as a family doing an activity - walk round the park with dd, go swimming together, anything to get him more active while not feeling he's being 'told' to do it. Physical activity will help his mood so anything you can get him to do will be helpful, the key may be to do things together.

hope that helps a little, I'm sure others will be along with more ideas. have you looked at the mental health threads, ther may be people over there in similar situations who could offer more support and suggestions

chocolatemummy Tue 16-Sep-08 22:02:53

I joined us at a nice private health club earlier in the year and thought it would be lovely for us all to go swimming together and him and I go the gym etc but in 6 months I went every week and he went twice and it was just a waste of money we didnt have so i cancelled it because I got fed up going on my own.
He says he doesnt want to see a counsellor, he has not been to one, he often says that he is happy and its me with the problem, I am just comparing him to other people. I dont think thats fair as i am not expecting too much for my husband to care about what he looks like and come out with me and socialise with people. I just find I am doing more and more on my own, and he seems happy to let me?

lennastarr Tue 16-Sep-08 22:14:21

its you i think needing a way out of this marriage,both you and he are not happy either get help together or go your separate ways you will just do each others head in....

chocolatemummy Tue 16-Sep-08 22:17:34

I really dont feel like I want out of this marriage, I am just well and truely fed up. I have periods of time when i can sope with it but periods of time like this when i just feel like running away but I know I would really miss him and want to come home after a few days . I do love him I just dont know what to do with him anymore.

solidgoldbrass Tue 16-Sep-08 22:21:17

Maybe he is depressed again, maybe he is just not a very sociable or energetic person. Now while it would drive me demented to live with someone like him, I can also see that from his point of view it sounds like you are constantly saying 'Change everything about your behaviour, everything that's wrong in our relationship will be fixed if you will just obey me.' Have you asked him what you might change about your behaviour and listened to the answers?

chocolatemummy Tue 16-Sep-08 22:27:35

well I hear what you are saying and thats kind of why i said , (I dont know how he puts up with me) in the OP. But I have accepted he is not sociable and thats why i just go out on my own now with friends.
I guess it just feel wierd leaving him at home all the time and not how I imagined a marriage to be.
I guess I have to acept it or get out but its harsh because I still love him and don't want to tear apart my little girls world.
Just want him to have some zest for life know what I mean? some enthusiasm and interest is 'us' and 'himself' and not leaving it all to me,

Pheebe Wed 17-Sep-08 08:18:39

Presumably he was reasonably sociable when you met him and cared about his appearnace enough for you to fancy him so the argument that you're trying to change him doesn't really wash.

I think some straight talking (not criticism or argument just honesty) is needed. You need to know where this marriage is heading and if he's prepared to make the effort to make it work.

Please don't go down the road of blaming yourself for all this (or allowing others to suggest its your fault), it takes 2 to make it work and 2 to let it fail.

girlsnextdoor Wed 17-Sep-08 08:59:35

Maybe he needs a wake-up conversation with you?

You cannot make him into a different person and you cannot change his depression - only he can.

He needs to seek help - either counselling, CBT or something- pills are only part of the answer- he needs to get to the root of it all.

If you are simply incompatible, then maybe you seriously have to consider parting unless you can both find some middle ground. For me, that would be doing somethings together- maybe once aweek or once very two weeks- and more myself if i was feeling like it.

I suppose what you have to ask is what has changed? Was it always like this?

chocolatemummy Wed 17-Sep-08 15:47:28

when we met he had been totally shat on by his ex and lost his house and everything and was in a LOT of debt, I assumed his quietness and depression was due to that and that once we had sorted everything out he would be better. A friend of ,mine knew him years before at college and said he was completely different: confident, chatty, witty etc and I was confident it was all down to this experience. However it has been a number of years now and I cant keep waving magic wands, we have had big setbacks like redundancies etc buit have always managed to keep going and we have a nice home and although we have debt its not much really less than £90,000 'including mortgage'!
I am just fed up trying to make things better, I have always worked full time, always been the main earner and studied alongside, also had a child and generlaly kept everything going. I thik I am just exhausted and want someone to look after me for a bit and I know I can't rely on him to do that. Neither of us could keep this house if we split and I dont want to split really, I dont feel ready for that but I have had the ulitmatum converstaions with him, told him that I cant do this anymore etc etc and after a few days its just as though I never said anything, he says he works full time, he doesnt go out drinking and being unfaithful and he loves me and our dd so whats wrong with me. I just want more than that........

needashouldertocryon Wed 17-Sep-08 16:02:49

My husband and I have recently decided to seperate... due to all the reasons you have stated above really.. he was depressed with no motivation for life.. didn't really care about his appearance.. didn't want to go out.. hence I went out alone alot.. he lost touch with all his friends.. I got so tired of trying to make him happy, and didn't think I could continue any longer
Anyway told him things weren't working and that I wasn't 'in love' with him anymore...

Do you still love him.... are you still intimate with him?

chocolatemummy Wed 17-Sep-08 16:06:23

were lost most intimacy as in 'actual sex' a long time ago, but not him, me, but I have never been one for sex really and always find it hard, We have always cuddled loads and hold hands all the time and I miss him when he is not there in bed with me, we have slept with eachother a couple of time in last few months? I do still feel like I love him but I am losing respect for him and dont fancy him alot of the tiime because he is just so miserable and unsociable it gets on my nerves, but other days I think he looks gorgeous and i love the bones of him and just wish i could shake him awake lol

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