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Marriage broken down, am scared and confused, please help

(30 Posts)
twosteps Tue 16-Sep-08 07:45:48

I have been married for 11 years and have two DC aged 5 and 7. Our marriage was good and solid until I had a brief emotional affair 2 years ago, my DH found out and I ended it.

Since then my DH understandably has found it hard to put behind him and has brought it up at every oppotunity. I have barely been able to go out with friends on on courses for work without him ringing and texting me the whole time.

This year I had councilling because his constant paranoia (sp) was making me anxious and depressed. I told him that I wasn't prepared to pay for my mistake forever and with therapy i was able to stand up to him and make it clear that it had to be laid to rest. Everything was ok for a couple of months.

Four weeks ago he became obsessed with the fact I was up to something again, even becoming agressive to try and bully the 'truth' out of me. He has persisted with this and made me anxious and unwell to the extent that I have lost 2 stones in weight during that time.
Last week I had a week of evening courses and dispite having the itinary for him to see and a certificate at the end of the week, he is convinced that I wasn't there, everyone is covering for me and I was in fact out with another man.

Yesterday he confronted me with my mobile bill and asked me to explain every number I had texted last month - which stupidly i did. I thought he would calm down now that he had nothing more to go on but this morning he completely lost it and has told me to leave before he gets home tonight. I have never seen him so angry, he even said if I didn't own up he would push me down the stairs (he has never threatened me or the children before)

I am so frightened. he has said that I have contributed nothing to the mortgage ever, which is true as I only started up as a childminder this year after having our children. I would leave and rent somewhere today but I am only registered to work from my home premises.

What do I do now?

poshtottie Tue 16-Sep-08 07:56:58

Is your name on the mortgage? I haven't contributed to our mortgage either but I still consider the house mine aswell. You have been raising his children so I think you have every right to stay.

If you feel truly threatened I would ring the police.

Northumberlandlass Tue 16-Sep-08 08:00:23

Morning Twosteps - I'm so sorry to read about your situation. I agree with Poshtottie, this is your families home, even if you haven't paid anything towards the mortgage I don't think he can kick you out. I would talk to CAB and get some advice as soon as you can.

xx

Northumberlandlass Tue 16-Sep-08 08:02:33

Oh yes, if it is a joint mortgage then (I think) you have every right to be there.
x

twosteps Tue 16-Sep-08 08:06:21

no, the mortgage is in his name only, do you think that will make a difference?

Portofino Tue 16-Sep-08 08:12:23

This is one of the big advantages of actually being married in this situation. He cannot throw you and the kids out on the street on a whim - you have rights! Agree you should speak to CAB as soon as possible. I've seen many people recommend Shelter too as a good source of advice. Have you got someone who can be with you when he gets home?

sad for you. I can understand that it takes time to rebuild trust - but sounds like you have been going about this the right way. Has something happened recently to "set him off" - extra stress at work or something? He is definitely being unreasonable IMHO.

poshtottie Tue 16-Sep-08 08:15:28

I would get some legal advice as soon as you can.

twosteps Tue 16-Sep-08 08:20:08

No Portofino, not that I know of, unless it was the fact I was out so mant evenings last week.

Will ring CAB shortly, have to log off in a mo for work but I am truely grateful for all your support x

QuintessentialShadow Tue 16-Sep-08 08:27:58

You have had councelling, you say, but what about him? How has he been able to rationalize your betrayal? Has he been given every opportunity to talk about it and to put it to rest when he feals ready? What steps have you taken to reassure him? I see a lot of "I" in your OP but not much thought for your husband and how it has affected him. Did he come with you for councelling or did you just go on your own? Did the councellor take his reactions, and opinion into account when telling you to stand up to him and stop going on about it, or just yours?

To be honest, his reaction is to be expected.

I agree you should see the CAB as you do have rights.

But if you want your marriage to continue, try convince him to go for councelling together with you (again).

CountessDracula Tue 16-Sep-08 10:12:38

I agree
Has he had any counselling?

I think you are a bit harsh calling it paranoia. You betrayed his trust and it has clearly not returned. Have you tried to help him get over this and demonstrated your trustworthiness? It sounds to me like you find this annoying and just want to brush it under the carpet whereas he needs help to get over it, which he won't get from you by the sounds of things!

I agree you should not have to pay for your mistake forever but he needs time and reassurrance surely?

minorbird Tue 16-Sep-08 10:30:32

He obviously still loves you or he would not be so angry. Communication is the only way forward. I agree councelling (sp) for him or you and him together should be the next step.

I would also have someone there with you tonight for when he comes home.

beanieb Tue 16-Sep-08 10:37:42

If the mortgage is only in hisname then he has a stronger claim to it even though you are married.

But that's by the by... are you going to leave? Do you love him anymore? Surely there is another way around this - could you both go to counselling?

twosteps Tue 16-Sep-08 19:41:18

hi everyone, we've had a completely draining day trying to talk this all through. I will try and answer some of your questions

No, he hasn't had counselling and never would as i've suggested it many times, even tried to get his family to get him to.I went on my own because he is very controlling anyway and needed help dealing with this.

I have tried to reassure him - leaving my mobile in view, letting him take me and pick me up from places, not going out with friends if I know the worry is too much for him etc, even being intimate more often than i really want to, just so he feels assured I want him.

We have talked endlessly about what had caused me to betray him 2 years ago and how it would never happen again but he just can't believe that.

He does love me but it isn't enough, neither of us has any quality of life as i can't go anywhere without being quizzed and interrogated on my return and him through torturing himself.

The advice i had today from the CAB was to stay put and get an order for him to leave instead. i don't want to do this and am hoping he offers to leave.

Financially this is all a nightmare, have never had think about the implications before.

Anifrangapani Tue 16-Sep-08 20:15:03

Having been on your dh side of the coin I know where he is coming from.

I cannot bear to hear a text message come through without wanting to throw the mobile through the window. If DH goes out I insist he calls me, not so I can talk to him just so I can hear the background noise. An affair throws your whole being into turmoil. I know that if dh wanted to have an affair again that he would be better at hiding it, but I need to know that he is making the effort and wants to be with me. It was his behaviour that triggered me feeling so low about myself. Why shouldn't he have to cope with some of the pain it has caused.

As for moving out if he wants to split up then he can move out ( he is the primary carer for the kids). He has to live with his actions as do you.

Have you asked him why he doesn't believe you? Do and listen and act upon it.

You have obviously gravely hurt him by your actions and now you should feel some empathy for him rather than sounding peeved because he does not trust you.

MrsDanversApron Wed 17-Sep-08 09:38:43

I'm sorry, but your husbands behaviour is outrageous. Yes you had an emotional affair and have been a Very Bad Person (!)...but the 'stalking' of you and threatening you with violence is not on.

If your relationship had been fantastic etc then you wouldn't have felt the need to seek solace in an emotional affair in the first place.

I think that one of you leaving would be a good thing. But not in a panicked 'he's told me to get out' way. But in a 'you taking control of the situation' way.

For a man who is seemingly desperate to hang on to you he's done a great job of driving you away hasn't he?

MrsDanversApron Wed 17-Sep-08 09:41:30

Anifrangapani - why put yourself through it? You can check and be as paranoid as you like but he could still cheat!!

And there is no better way to kill a relationship than to have no trust.

I have been there, I was cheated on but you have to learn from it, draw a line under it and move on.

It's not healthy to be so consumed.

twosteps Wed 17-Sep-08 13:35:26

This morning he is requesting we go to councelling together and see how it goes. The thing is I do love him but not enough to live like this anymore. I have always liked to go out with my friends once or twice a week and that has become increasingly impossible as I am always scared of coming home to the confrontation.

Last night we talked for hours and he admitted that he doesn't feel he can ever trust me again - he too has problems with the fact that i text a lot and this is what he says has brought this on. He downloaded my mobile bill and went through the numbers and he says my explanation doesn't add up.
So, is it time to end it for both our sakes -I mean if he isn't going to trust me again, is there any point in the councelling?

We have virtually no equity in the house and i earn a pittance.

I am such a confident person normally and I feel a total wreck. This morning I woke up having had a panic attack (used to suffer with them years ago)

Anifrangapanni - I understand your hurt and yes I do feel responsible for the way my DH is feeling now. I have shown him empathy in the past to no avail but he has never once admitted to his wrong doing that led me to have the affair in the first place. As far as he is concerned, he wouldn't have done it so all the blame lies with me.

HappyWoman Wed 17-Sep-08 14:08:06

twosteps - your story is so sad - my h cheated on me and the trust is so very hard to rebuild and so fragile.

I have been giving my h a hard time recently too (time of year and lots of other reminders, not exuses but reasons for my lack of trust).

Some of what you decribe you are going through i am sure my h is too - and it has made me think a bit.

I am sure he does not want to punish you - and he is punishing himself too (why was he so stupid to let this happen ......) I suspect that he is having doubts (and not wanting to admit to them himself) that you should have worked it through.
There may be times when he would like to feel strong enough to finish it too (but this is more fantasy - if what i feel is anything like he is going through).

The trouble is if you now call it a day - he will be proved 'right' (it wont make him any happier). And i doubt he will ever say he wants it to end either - he will say sorry and then the cycle begins again.

I think he would really benifit from some counselling or just someone to talk and vent to about this. Someone who can validate his feelings with empathy without wanting to punish you.

Hope you work it out.
It is not easy

twosteps Wed 17-Sep-08 14:16:08

Thank-you HappyWoman - that is a lovely post and everything you said about yourself discribes my DH exactly - he doesn't want to punish me but can't help it and also doesn't want it to end but knows in his heart that he can't ever trust me again.

For some reason I am feeling liberated (but scared) at the thought of breaking free and starting over. Maybe that time has come.

HappyWoman Wed 17-Sep-08 14:44:42

Sorry to say 2steps but he will i am sure turn this back onto you - 'see i knew you didnt really want me after all'. As i can see this is what i would do i am sure.

I think i am so very scared of the day when my dh is sick of my insecurities (and believe me i do try and overcome them on my own and think most of the time i do a good job) and he wants to call it a day too.

It will validate all my worthless feelings, and i will hate him for not being strong enough to say it to me in the beginning.

Hope that makes sense to you.

I am not scared of being alone anymore - just scared of being taken for a fool and being strung along iyswim.

I wonder if there is some way you could - if you really dont want your marriage to fail - show your h that he does have some power over you.
The counselling sounds like he wants to give it a go after all.

The issue of trust i feel will never be fully mended - but i have to live with that too and i also think there are levels of trust - my h is very good with the children and with money but for instance i would not trust him to put up a shelf.
I know it is not the same but i also do not trust other woman as i did before - i can see how easily it is to fall into the affair trap by both parties. This is something we now have learned to accept and hopefully put some plans into place.

I am sure it is wearing for my h to have to tell me what he is up to most of the time too but hopefully he thinks the marriage we have is worth it too.

If you think you have an otherwise good marriage you owe it to you both to try but if you have sadly had enough then you do need to end it.

Good luck and thanks for sharing your side of things i will think more now before i give him the 3rd degreewink.

twosteps Wed 17-Sep-08 16:27:36

You know HappyWoman, everything you say makes sense and I could imagine me feeling the same if the tables were turned. I can't rest over other issues in my life so I can't even begin to imagine how I would have been if DH had cheated on me.

The thing is I'm not even sure if I want to stay now - he scared and humiliated me in front of the children, i am always going to be living in fear of him suspecting something else and what then?

I also am not scared of being alone, but am selfishly scared of the responsibilty of the children 24 hours a day. The situation has always been that he takes over when he comes in from work and looks after them for one day of the weekend, while I do the other.

I need to think long and hard now I know what my options are legally.

HappyWoman Wed 17-Sep-08 17:03:31

wish you all the luck twosteps - i would never say anyone should stay in a marriage that was not working for both of them.

If you feel that you have done everything you are prepared to do to save the marriage then i think you would be doing the right thing.

And just because you somehow 'created' the mistrust does not mean you have to live with it being brought up all the time.

Generally our marriage is fine now - of course there are the odd wobbles but i do feel that we are both able to voice our concerns and work through it together.

For me the turning point was when we were away together and i thought 'when we are retired we could do this......' in that moment i knew i wanted to grow old with my h and that was a nice thought again. For a long time i had lived in fear of the future. I do still try not to look too far ahead as none of us knows what is around the corner but i would love to do it with h and i think he feels the same now.

If you honestly cant see you growing old together in a nice way then you do need to do something.

twosteps Wed 17-Sep-08 20:11:49

All the best to you too HappyWoman, I am glad you feel that way, it must be lovely to know you have found your lifelong partner. I hope your DH never betrays your trust again and in time your faith in him is restored.

Portofino Wed 17-Sep-08 20:31:20

Just looking at HW's post - is there anyway you could get some time away together? It appears that you still love him and are trying really hard to hold things together. I presume that he loves you too and this is why he is still so angry about what happened (as opposed to a controlling thing?)

It's hard when you view things from afar, but I can imagine a scenario where's he's got so worked up he could threaten stuff. My DH used to wind me up a lot and I've had visions of whacking him over the head with something/shoving him downstairs. I've never followed through - I think it was just pure rage angry If you haven't had any history of threats or violence before...?

Is it possible (work committments etc allowing) to have a bit of a quiet time and concentrate on him a bit? Say to him - I understand why you are upset. I won't go out so much, won't text so much etc. I want to show that it's you I want to be with..... etc etc

Portofino Wed 17-Sep-08 20:35:47

PS maybe HW's point about wanting to be with him when he's old....ask him if that is how he would like things to be...or if he sees something different...

Me and DH have had quite a tempestuous relationship and he can be a right miserable sod at times, but if I ask myself this question - i think YES. I must admit, I'm a bit scared to ask him the same thing....hmm

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