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Partner's addiction problems worsening and I'm feeling despairing

(22 Posts)
Strugglingtocope Mon 15-Sep-08 22:51:40

I say partner, in that he's still living in our home, is the father of my 2year old, and baby due soon, but he's incapable of being any sort of partner, and I don't know what I feel about him any more.

He's struggled with a cocaine addicition for a long time. He got as far as attending Cocaine Anonymous meetings, things improved for a bit, then he started taking something "herbal" from someone he apparently met at a meeting, which he said was cheap, and stopped his craving - he didn't even know what it was.

Seems it was crack, or if it wasn't initially, he has now been introduced to that. Things were bad enough before, but he has spent vast sums of money on this - about £3k in the last 3 weeks, and he hasn't come home tonight, so I assume he's doing more.

He's ruining his life and by being weak, and giving in to hsi demands for money I'm heading for ruining my stability too.

My life has turned into worrying about money, having him badger me for money each day, and I hate him - for being too weak to get proper help, for not just leaving if he doesn't want to change. I hate him because if I went into labout he wouldn't be any use to our child, that I'm still involved with someone who just feels like a parasite.

I spoke to him at 8pm after work, - he tells me he loves me, he'll see me soon. We talk about how the money is running out, and I tell him there is no way I can ever bail him out again, and that he's risking his life mixing with people who won't be impressed if he can't pay - his children could be left fatherless... but still he's obviously gone back for more.

I should be able to be looking forward to dc2, instead I'm just filled with despair about our situation, boiling anger at him, and constant worry.

I just needed to get it off my chest. I know I need to get him to leave us, only then might he realise he has to get help
sad sad sad

llareggub Mon 15-Sep-08 22:54:41

Oh god. You poor thing.

Does he want to quit or is he making excuses to carry on? If he won't commit to giving up then you need to get him out. Do you have family, friends that can help?

mindalina Mon 15-Sep-08 22:56:04

These people may be able to help you?

I'm so sorry you are going through it is, it is a terrible thing

sleepycat Mon 15-Sep-08 22:56:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Strugglingtocope Mon 15-Sep-08 23:02:48

Thanks for the link.

He says he wants to change. On Saturday he spent £500, but managed to leave and come home because of us... he said he was going to go to a meeting every day, and even went to church on Sunday as he thought that could help.

He always thinks he can control it / cure himself, and then finds he can't.

I believe that he believes he wants to change - but if it's true, why doesn't he try harder????

mindalina Mon 15-Sep-08 23:13:17

Ah I wish I could answer your questions Unfortunately I have no helpful advice beyond the Families Anonymous link. My mother's husband was/is addicted to cocaine and she has found FA to be a huge help and support in getting through. I think that Sleepycat is right to say he needs to leave to sort this out himself - there is nothign you can do to help he absolutely must do it all himself for all the right reasons, iyswim.

Strugglingtocope Mon 15-Sep-08 23:29:02

He doesn't want to leave. He thinks everything will somehow turn out OK and we'll live happily ever after.

Whereas I feel like I am living in the most unbearably stressful situation, and feel trapped and betrayed and let down

moondog Mon 15-Sep-08 23:32:54

Am speechless.
Does he work?
Why are ou continuing to give him money?
Get him out now for yuor sake nad that of the children.

Strugglingtocope Mon 15-Sep-08 23:40:54

Yes he works, and increasingly is spending his wages on himself, and wanting any money I have too.

He has told me all sorts of tales as to why he needs money, and puts endless pressure on me to give it to him, just doesn't take no for an answer.

I'm going to end up taking out a loan, to finish work on the house, and sell it to manage financially, and get rid of him

It probably sounds pathetic that I've given him money when I'm pretty sure he's lying about what it's for, and that I haven't managed to get him to leave - in the past I would never have imagined I would find myself in this sort of situation. I thought I was so much stronger

Janni Mon 15-Sep-08 23:41:05

Why would he want to leave?

You are looking after him and funding his addiction.

It is time for you to get REALLY TOUGH. You are soon to be the mother of two children. He, presumably, has or had a mother - IT IS NOT YOU.

The only way he can be in your lives is if he is not using and the only way he will stop using is for you to chuck him out.

moondog Mon 15-Sep-08 23:43:11

You HAVE to be strong or he wil ldestory you all.

CostaRicanCod Mon 15-Sep-08 23:44:08


you need to bin him and get OUT fast

CostaRicanCod Mon 15-Sep-08 23:44:29

never trust an addict

controlfreakinfreaky Mon 15-Sep-08 23:46:30

you are in a v sad and difficult situation..... BUT you are enabling him to do all this shit. stop now and prioritise yourself and dcs. stop facilitating.

Strugglingtocope Mon 15-Sep-08 23:49:14

I know you're all right.
I say these things myself - I tell him his debts are not my responsibility, that i am not his parents

I need him to go, because I'm finding it increasingly hard to interact with him, and find myself screaming at him for what he's putting us all through, and I don't want my child witnessing our arguments

I suppose part of the reason he won't go is that he has no money now, nowhere to go, no stable friends who would put him up. He's probably desperate to hang on to us because we keep his head above water, and he can't/won't do that for himself

Strugglingtocope Mon 15-Sep-08 23:54:43

I know I've enabled him
I so wish i could turn back the clock - back to 1.5 years ago when I did leave him.

Now I'm in such bad position, no income, baby due so can't get a job right now....

He'll probably turn up in the middle of the night expecting me to let him in. If I don't he'll bang at the door without stopping, for hours if need be. He's done it before, and even 1 time I ended up calling the police and they didn't come because they didn't see ringing the doorbell for 3hours from 1am as that bad

Apollinare Mon 15-Sep-08 23:56:45

Crack is really, really bad news.
Crack users need specialist help, he can't just 'pull himself together' and give it up.

Of course he doesnt want to leave, but this isnt just about him. Drug users will steal, lie, tell you what you want to hear, take the childrens food money - ANYTHING - to buy drugs. If they can't get the money, they get them on tick from their friendly neighbourhood dealer, who will be delighted to be owed an increasing debt. Then the dealer will come to visit you for repayment.

If he leaves and eventually ends up on the streets ( possible, be prepared) that is a choice he is making.Not your responsibility . There are plenty of hostels around nowadays. While he has money,he will not be able to change. I am very sorry to say this,because I can see that you care deeply, but by continuing to give him money you are enabling him.

This is a horrible, shitty situation, but you have to get this man out of the house to protect your children.

Strugglingtocope Tue 16-Sep-08 00:14:31

I know he can't just snap out of it - in fact it's him who seems to be under this misapprehension - I've provided him with helplines and details of meetings, and urged him to get as much help and support as he can, but he does it half heartedly, thinks he's got it under control, and then slips back into it - and this was all with cocaine - now he's into something worse, and the people providing it sound more scary... I don't know how it's going to end for him.

I feel so sad for my child, who loves him whereas although he says he loves us, just isn't capable of love because drugs come first.

Apollinare Tue 16-Sep-08 00:27:39

STS you have done everything you can and a million times more than most would.

Apollinare Tue 16-Sep-08 00:30:30

STC you have done everything you can and a million times more than most would.

fortyplus Tue 16-Sep-08 00:39:10

The only way he will get off it is to move away... away from the people who led him into this and who are feeding his addiction. You are the only one who knows whether you would move with him or make him go on his own.

You can never trust him whilst he's an addict - he's begging you for money now but will end up stealing from you and selling your possessions - that's what addicts do.

You have to free yourself from this situation.

Sorry sad

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 16-Sep-08 07:44:57

"I've provided him with helplines and details of meetings, and urged him to get as much help and support as he can, but he does it half heartedly, thinks he's got it under control, and then slips back into it"

Yet again you have enabled him. He has to want to seek help for his own self, if it is all half hearted on his part it is doomed to failure to start with. You can't make him give up and you should not even try. All you can do is walk away from the situation, you are all being dragged down with him.

There are no guarantees here; he may continue using if he were to leave. But he is not your responsibility ultimately. He made a conscious choice to start using.

I can only assume you went back originally because you thought he could or would change.

You cannot enable him any longer. Look what he has done, by enabling him you are shielding him from the consequences of his behaviours. Enabling someone does not make that person seek help - they have to want to do that for their own self.

Who owns the property - use legal means to get him away from you all.

You are only responsible for your own self and your children.

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