Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I feel a need to post this - it's basically a journal of the breakdown of my relationship with the Dc's father(33 Posts)
Monday 5th December 2005
Knock on door, as I was off sick with bug and he was off sick with back, we were both home. He answered and tried to speak quietly to the woman. I heard the word rent, went to investigate. He had been given bit of paper by her, she beat a hasty retreat to her car when i started asking him about the rent. It was our housing officer, xxxxxxxx.
I had to physically snatch the paper from him, he wouldn't let me have it. It was a notification of intention to take us to court to have us evicted for non payment of rent, in my name only.
I shouted at him loudly and for a long time, it has been agreed for 2 years that no matter what else we can't pay, we must pay the rent, and the way we had mutually agreed to divide the bills was that he pays rent NTL and TV license, I pay everything else.
He receives approx £170 per week wage, rent is £66, all the rest come to about
£25 per week. He had made 2 payments of £70 each in 8 weeks, leaving us, on 5/12/2005, £511 in arrears with our rent account.
He claims he did not realise he had not paid it, although it has to be paid cash at the post office. He claims he does not know where the money has gone. He handed over £190 towards the rent that day, out of his wallet, claiming he had no other money. I tell him I want him to leave, he refuses. I tell him I want some control over how he spends his money, he refuses. He will not let me see the details of his bank account. I tell him if he doesn't at least let me see what is going on in his account I will leave him and take son with me. He refuses, says it is his account, and I have no right to know where his money goes. I point out he is spending £140 per week, apparently on nothing at all. He denies this. I ask him where the money has otherwise gone. He says he doesn't know. I tell him we could try asking the bank if they have made charges. He says no.
I then walked down to local shop to check balance, can't remember if I did so, but just neeeded to leave the house really. Got back 10 minutes later, he was lyin on the floor having seriously hurt his back, don't know how, he says he doesn't know.
After seeking medical advice for him I packed toddler into pushchair, and walked down to doctor's to pick up a prescription for Diazepam for him, get it at the chemist, and walked back. I felt extremely ill and weak as had been vomiting since Saturday 3rd December. I left him on the floor with a blanket and the phone.
I got back at 6:30 pm, made him and my toddler a cheese sandwich each, and started roasting the beef I had bought for that night's tea. Dp took a Diazepam, and vegged on sofa, ate his tea.
I put toddler to bed, Dp took 2 more Diazepam at about 11pm.
Next day, Tuesday 6th December, I rang in work for myself, explained I was still too sick to come to work, as I was. Rang in work for Dp, explained situation. Went to antenatal appointment.
Wednesday 7th December, went down to Post Office to pay rent off, withdrew £400 from my account to do so, paying £590. I have kept receipt.
Friday 9th December, Dp gives me £130, 66 of which I have put aside for him to pay the rent on Monday, the rest I have kept to pay for groceries etc.
Saturday 10th December, we have been arguing on and off for days now, he won't wash when I ask him to (because he hasn't washed/shaved/brushed teeth for days and I find it unhygienic). He goes out to see friends, despite being signed off work until Wednesday. He comes back smelling of cider and cigarettes, despite being on painkillers incompatable with alcohol, and despite promising me he won't smoke anymore as I am pregnant and we can't afford it.
When he falls asleep, I take his bank card down to the cash point, and have a look in his account. There is over £40 in there, he had told me the previous day he had given me all his money. I leave the money there, as I had only intended to look and won't take money without permission. As far as I know it is still there.
I go home and challange him about this, he says the money wasn't there on 9/12/05. I point out he has no other income that I know about apart form wage, which was paid in on 9/12/05. He says it wasn't there when he went to cashpoint. I insist it must have been there, and accuse him of lying. He says he went to pub cashpoint, which he says is "dodgy" and cannot have shown full amount in account. I tell him this is absurd and accuse him of lying again.
I suggest we register his account on line to check what is going on in his account, as he doesn't seem to have any idea were money comes from, where it goes and why, and it is patently unsafe to have this situation when someone is in charge of paying the rent and has proven on several occasions now he is incapable of avoiding arrears on the account.
He says his bank doesn't allow online banking, he will have to go into branch. I say let's try anyway, find the page on the net, and enter his details, bar account details. He refuses to give them to me.
I have a desultory poke around, and go upstairs to toilet, come back downstairs and he has switched computer off, and unplugged it. I plug it back in, switch it on, he tells me to get off his computer. I tell him to get out of my house then. He says it is his house too. I say I pay for everything including the rent now, so it is my house.
Sunday 11th December, I am clearing up in porch and I find a receipt for £70 from the computer shop, from August. He says it's not his, and he doesn't remember spending any money in there. I accuse him of lying again.
Sunday 11th December, 12 midnight. I get back from friend's and lose rag, have had enough. Wake him up to have a go, but manage to keep temper sufficiently to not raise voice. He persists with 'don't know' replies. 4 am, I lose my temper, and throw his laptop out of the house, because I don't know who he is selling it for, he won't tell me, and I suspect it is stolen. So I throw it out of the front door. Then I cry on the sofa for 15 minutes, I can't stop, can hardly breather, am hysterical in fact. I go and check ds is ok, he is lying in his cot, awake, and looks scared. I tell him it was the telly being very loud, and I have turned it down now. He looks a bit happier with this.
So I went back downstairs, and I lose my temper again, and kick the computer off the table. Shocked at myself, I stop trashing the place, and start packing mine and ds's stuff int a bag, ready to leave when ds wakes up. dp started crying, and finally finally finally....
He tells me he has spent all the money on fruit machines. He swear it will never happen again, he will never touch them again, and he was too embarrassed to tell me. Oh, and he showed me his bank statements.
Wednesday 14th December. He stayed late at work for a beer. He says he paid part of the phonebill with that £40 that was in his account, but to be honest I can't see him paying part of it off. I cannot help wondering if he has put it all in a fruit machine. If his money starts disappearing again, I am going in to talk to his boss and colleagues. I will tell them exactly what he has done with what was essentially my month's wages.
I have hidden £130 from my dad to pay for the carpet. It is in my vibrator. It seems hypocritical to hide money from him when I have been moaning about him doing it to me, but I cannot help feeling that he sees my bank account as his own personal overdraft, that he doesn't have to worry about whether or not he manages his money because I always manage mine. Well, no more. I am never letting on again that I have enough money to keep this family going without a hefty contribution from him. That might make sure he actually makes the contribution.
All is very quiet between us, he is being affectionate and has made a slight effort with his appearance, that has to be a good sign.
This note keeping observation was originally intended as a mere record of his behavior, to present in court or at the CAB if needed, but it seems to have turned into my diary. Never mind, he can't read it anyway.
Sunday 18th december, I think he might be paying for online gaming. Do you even have to pay? I don't know, but intend to find out soon. I haven't seen any details of his transctions since he showed me his last bank statement, when I ask him about things it's all gone back to 'Might do' and 'Don't know'.
I don't trust a word he says anymore. If he told me it was daylight I would start looking for the stars. I dont think I can ever forgive him for the disrespect he has shown this family. I hate him the majority of the time, especially at night when I can't sleep for worrying about how the hell I am going to pay for Christmas. I don't appreciate anything he does for me. I am stressed, depressed and miserable. I am dreading bringing another poor little boy directly under his influence. I have to get out of this relationship.
He says I have been planning this all along, the fucking idiot doesn't seem to see that his actions are those of someone who wants a relationship to end, mine are those of someone desperately trying to convince herself that everything will be ok in the end.
When I go, I will have to go fast, because he will try to snatch Jonathan. I wish I had left when I was pregnant. I wish his name was not on this tenancy agreement. Sometimes I wish I had never seen his fucking face.
I am so nasty to him sometimes. I can't help myself, I know it's wrong, but he treats me like a meal ticket. He doesn't sleep with me, he doesn't talk to me, he doesn't provide for me, he doesn't even look after himself, he waits for me to tell himn what to do, and I am six months pregnant and I can't handle this anymore. I wish I had the courage to just walk out on him. I haven't been happy for years.
Tuesday 20th December, he rang me at work and told me he want to take £40 a week out of our entire income, £20 of which to go to his mum for a long outstanding debt, and he would give me his bank card and therefore control of his account.
Dreading it a bit, can I control 2 bank accounts? I think I can do it better than he controls one. He sees it as failing, but it is just a skill he doesn't have, just like I struggle to get up in the morning, he struggles to control money.
Thursday 22nd December. Have bought a friend and his mother a Christmas present, these are the only ones I asked him to get, but he won't. And it isn't fair that they shouldn't get one. I have signed them from me though. He wanted to take the friend's round, but |I bought it and I chose it, he wasn't even there, he had put no thought into a present at all, so why should he get the thanks from him? I took it round myself.
Also, I got in contact with the CAB the other day, and and they rang me back on Tuesday. I forgot to say. Basically they want to give me 1/2 an hour with a solicitor after Christmas, to see what my options are. The lady at the CAB says what he has been doing is a form of abuse and a way of controlling me, which is funny as I am the one always being accused of being controlling. I will go to see the solicitor, but the thing is, I don't want him charged with abuse, and I don't want to leave him until I go onto maternity leave and don't have to go to work anymore.
Friday 23rd December. Dp comes home drunk and nasty from a night out spending money he hasn't got. He had taken my keys "to Friend's" with him, leaving me with no way of locking the front door. When I rang him at 00:40, he told me to "Can't you find my fucking keys?" (he had taken mine after being unable to find his) but did come home by one am. He had been at the pub, not at his friend's, although he had been with this friend. However, he wouldn't give me the keys so I could lock the door and go to bed. When I started nagging him for them, he switched the computer on and turned his back to me, still having not given me back my keys.
I reached down to turn the computer off, to try and make him listen to me. I wanted to tell him that I resented him spending money on beer, just before Christmas, when I had spent loads on everyone's Christmas presents and on paying off the rent he never paid. He grabbed my wrist before I hadf chance to say anything and twisted it back. I told him twice he was hurting me and to let go, then I screamed at him to stop fucking hurting me, he wouldn't stop and kept twisting, so I bit him.
He pushed me backwards off the sofa (I had been leaning over the back) and started screaming at me to "Fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, you fucking bitch, you nasty fucking bitch, don't you fucking bite me you fucking bitch!". I walked round the sofa to the computer side to shout at him and he rammed the sofa into my belly and stomped upstairs. This physically hurt me, and put me on my knees for about 10 minutes. He scared me enough to make me want to leave so I started looking for my keys again, I checked his coat pocket for my keys and he came running down the stairs. I had his phone in my hand and I threw it, I didn't want him to start hurting me again to get his phone. He grabbed my wrist and started dragging me up the stairs on my stomach, shouting "Get out of my fucking coat, that's my fucking coat, don't you go in my fucking pockets you bitch, you fucking bitch!". He then stopped and stepped over me downstairs.
He went past me to the kitchen, got my keys from somewhere and threw them at me. They didn't hit me, he picked them up and threw them at me again, then he threw my phone at me. I was shouting at him to stop trying to hurt me.
He sat on the sofa, and lay back and closed his eyes, so I opened the front door, went upstairs and waited until I heard a snore, picked up my son and wrapped him in his duvet and ran down the stairs, out of the house and down the road, then I realised he would probably follow me so I turned into the estate, and the only person I really know is XXXXXXXX so I went there. From there I called the police, they came, asked me if I thought I should go home and told me they would tell Dp to behave, wanted me to stay at XXXXX's, I asked them to contact Mum, so they did, I spent the night there.
I went back the next morning, as I had no clothes, shoes or nappies for Ds.
He has made all sorts of promises, but blah blah blah. He lies. That sums it all up really, he just cannot help telling lies, he is violent and selfish, and I just do not love him anymore. How can I love a man who would put a pregnant woman on the floor, when it's his child she is pregnant with? How can I love a man who would risk his child's house and security, just so he can spend his money how he pleases? I feel like slitting my wrists, knowing I am stuck with him forever because he fathered my children. I haven't got prenatal depression at all, he is trying to tell me I belong in a nuthouse, but I know what it is, I just live in intolerably stressful conditions. My bloody hair is dropping out by the handful. I want to cry all the time, I find life a struggle just to get up in the mornings. My day brings me nothing but tears and work. I have no money to spend on myself or the baby or ds, because dp has spent so much on himself, and despite his promises is still doing so. I hate him.
2nd January 2006, ok, putting a little perspective on this, I don't hate him, he just frustrates me by being unlivable. He has agreed that on Friday 6th January he will hand over his bank card to me, and I will take over his account. I will give him £40 per week, he will put £20 in a card for his mum every week. and I will watch him do this. The rest goes on bills.
Lets see if this works, because this is our last chance. I just wish I didn't live with such a child.
Monday the 9th January 2006. He has handed over his bank card, as promised. There is £140 in his account now, I am not intending to make any withdrawals from it except for rent and dp's £40, £20 of which must go to his mum. I am going to leave a £150 to £200 float in there, but I am going to take the rest out and spend it on baby and house things, family stuff. I am not going to let too much build in his account because I pay for everything out of mine, and if he takes it into his head one day to spend money, I don't want him to spend all the money we have. The float I am leaving in there should cover all his bills he has going out.
God, he makes me laugh when he accuses me of wanting this relationship to end. I am breaking my bloody back trying to make it work!
March 5th 2006
He has been really good with his money. However today he disappear for 3.5 hours and came back drunk. I made him leave, Ds was distraught, couldn't understand why I was shutting the door in Daddy's face, but I won't have him drunk around my child, and after the way he treated me last time he got drunk, I'm not having him around me either.
What's really bugging me, is where he got the money for the beer from? He still has his bank card from Friday, I am hoping and praying he hasn't withdrawn from it.
May 21st 2006
Just discovered he has opened another e mail account purely for e bay messages. He had 3 DDs go out, in Nov, Dec and Jan, £17 each. He denies all knowledge of this, he denies all knowledge of the email address. he must think I am a fucking idiot.
I can't deal with the lies any more. I feel so sad and so betrayed. I hate his guts when he lies to me
Thursday September 7th 2006
The broadband got cut off last week, I had to cough up £100 to get it reinstated on Monday. We are behind with the rent - again. He gets at least £30 taken off hi9m per month bank charges.
My counciller is sending him to a budgeting guidance counceller.
I am glad I am keeping this record, as I know how long he has been doing it, I can't forget what he is like when I don't feel like rocking the boat. Everytime I read this, it reminds me of why I must not give up. I either have to control the finances as well as I can, or I have to leave him, because again and again and again, he is jeopardising my children's security.
I won't go into 2007 living with this sort of behavior, I must promise that to myself. QWe will never have anything if he keeps spending and spending and spending.
Saturday March 3rd 2007
After he was arrested a week last Friday and taken to magistrates court, and then hitting me around the face during an argument, I called the police to make him leave. He hasn't slept here since. He is still seeing a lot of the children, which is good, but when they go to bed he has to go back to his room above the chippy. And it is hard when he leaves, it is hard when he is not here to help with the dinner and bathtime, but now if we argue I can tell him to leave.
Ds1 is devastated, and clingy, and his asthma has kicked off.
Sunday 3rd June 2007
Three months ago, exp was told to leave by the police, and since then we have endured a bittersweet semi relationship, with him still living above the chip shop, and still seeing the kids daily.
I have found him registered on numerous dating websites, and despite his claims than they are 'only to make friends' or 'just to have a laugh', I have found he has been replying to emails from russian girls, claiming to enjoy 'sex on the side' and asking for pictures of them.
Have I got any standards LEFT? I keep letting this man in my house. i buy his shopping when he can't afford to buy his own. He sees the kids as and when it is conveniant for him.
Why am I letting him use me like this?
Last time I spoke to him about him contacting other girls, he apologised deeply for hurting me and promised never to do it again.
Guess he lied about that too. he didn't ever give a shit about me after all - I cannot fucking believe I have deluded myself so efficiently for so long.
15th September 2008
Do you know, I am so glad I did this.
I had forgotten the majority of this.
I remember myself as a bad mother and a nagging nightmare, and I had forgotten entirely what it was like to like with him.
One day, I will put this piece of writing out there, probably on mumsnet, for other people to see that there is a way out, there is light at the end of the tunnel, that a life on benefits can be better than the one you leave behind.
I am settled now. I am never frightened of the post or of Ex drinking, gambling or frittering money. If he fritters his money, I feed him - or sometimes he goes hungry.... but that's up to me. I don't have to feed him, I don't have to compromise what I give my children because he won't compromise what he gives himself.
He moans constantly that he's skint you know - this despite the fact that he earns 40% more than what he did while he lived here. What I know, and what he will never admit, is that the reason he wasn't skint while he was living here was because he lived his life as a parasite.
I love him. I see his face in my children (my beautiful, beautiful children, who deserved so much more and probably won't ever get it) but they are my children. I have them away from his behavior. I can refuse entry if I don't like what I see. I have my sad moments - shame at living on income support, misery when I see other people having jobs they enjoy and feel proud of - but the pressure, for the most part, is off.
I'm glad I wrote this.
I'm glad I came back and read it.
That was cathartic!
Wow, I think it is really helpful to keep an accurate diary of life changing events, to be able to look back without losing any of the detail, to sometimes remember the incredibly tough times and the pain.
I am so glad you are out of that now. I do think it was incredibly brave of you to share that.
God for one moment while reading that i was plunged back into that nightmare of knowing that all the time, xp was lying to me, all the time I was banging my head against a fucking brick wall trying to make this relationship work and jumping through hoops to deny that it was rotten.
Great post Colditz. You've reminded me how great it is to be alone!
Wow colditz. I'm glad you kept that record too. I remember a lot of that happening but it's quite ... harrowing I guess, seeing it all written down in one go.
I got to the end and realised I had been holding my breath through most of it (am a little lightheaded now!)
You have come out of it such a strong person. And your boys are better for it too. I have a great deal of admiration for you.
Bloody Hell. That is amazing. SO very very similar to the shit I went through.
but bloody hell, at least you arent in it anymore.
NOW you need to wean him out of your house, make him stand on his own two feet, if nothing changed since the last post I read from you bout him.
And I bet the only thing you regret - certainly the only thing you should regret is that you didn't kick him out sooner. No one should have to put up with that sort of crap indefinitely. Hope things are going better and better for you.
God colditz - that was all before I joined mn. It was a harrowing read but very uplifting. You're a very strong (and generous) woman.
wow! strong woman, that's inspiring
You are all too flattering and I can't believe anyone ploughed through it!
I found it amusing that you can see my spelling improve as I go through aged 25 to 28!
Full of admiration - also just looked at your photo's, you're children are absolutely LOVELY.
Well done! You've done well.
I couldn't not plough through once I started. Certainly puts my own life in perspective.
It's a funny thing, but even as I was writing it, all those years ago, I remember thinking to myself that I must be exaggerating, playing the memories in my head back and back to myself.... I wanted to be exaggerating. I wanted it not to be true.
Well done SC - It is good to look back and see how far you have come and what you have endured. You realise how strong you are.
Early on with my nightmare with my marriage someone suggested I keep a journal and I am so glad I did - Your mind is amazing, it can forget or change things but when they are written down, you can see how it was and pat yourself on the back for getting through it.
Good on you - you are a strong and amazing person
Colditz that brought a lump to my throat, it really did. To think of you going through all that. I admire your strength, and your courage to do the right thing for you and the boys, not the easiest thing. Don't ever feel ashamed of being on benefits or anything else- you have achieved much more than a lot of people ever could. x
Dear SC, what a post! What a strong woman you are!! I can't believe he assaulted you while you were pregnant. That really got to me.
Good for you to throw him out. I have no words to describe a 'man' (I use the term loosely) like this.
It's a funny thing Alexa - because I have forgiven him.
If I still had to live with him I wouldn't have done, but you are right, I am strong, and he never was. He still isn't.
I still think I got the better deal. I got to have a life experience, and grow up into what I hope is a capable woman (which I wasn't when I met him). He hasn't really changed, and is still reliant on other people to help him, and I will help him, but not because I feel guilty or responsible. It's because I genuinely feel sorry for the man - he's lost everything he cared about and still has no insight into how it happened.
Well done colditz. That was an amazing read! Good for you.
God Bless you for writing and sharing that, Colditz. It should be published somewhere, for all women to share and gain strength from.
Oh Colditz, you've forgiven him?
[Head sinks onto chest, Alexa looks down on feet and wonders why she's so petty and would rather stab him than extend an olive branch...]
But yes, you did get the better deal and so did your dc. I've read many of your posts and you're full of good advice. What makes it so sad is that to get that wisdom you had to go through all of this. Well, at least you did make to the other side and you are walking proof of the saying: The best revenge is to live happily and well.
Good on you!
Join the discussion
Please login first.