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Men!! Why are they so selfish?

(9 Posts)
readyfornum2 Mon 15-Sep-08 00:45:22

Dp and I have been together for nearly 4 years and have a DS who is 2.
We were having a lovely chilled out day today and started talking about the possibility of having a holiday in the future and maybe going to wdw in florida again (we went in 2005 when I was pregnant with DS)DP loves wdw and has been 7 times so far (6 before we got together) and so he jumped at the idea and priced it up and we would need about £4000, I suggested that we go in dec 2010 and spent the next couple of years saving up.
Fast forward a couple of hours and he comes downstairs to suggest that we dont pay the payments on our car (that he moaned and pestered for just after DS was born!) and then when they take it away buy a really cheap car (his words were "less than a grand") and then we can go sooner!
I said no way but he carried on trying to tell me his "idea" and trying to persuade me to agree to it.

This is typical DP behaviour.
For example the car in question is a top of the range Honda civic that we bought brand new costing £18600 (we pay £350/month on a pcp plan) Now dont get me wrong I love the car but think that it was a bit ott when he bought it when DS was 5 months old and we were living on just his income(and then kept on about how he pays everything blah blah blah)

We moved from Leeds to Worcestershire in september as we nearly split up and he continued to work in Leeds 4 days a week for a while then he worked from home and went to Leeds once a week for 6 weeks before leaving, but he didnt get another job which then took another 3 months fo him to do!!
He now earns less but still enough to live on providing he does lots of mystery shopping (his little hobby) which means that I hardly see him and pretty much raise DS on my own! I work for my mum and take DS with me then come home and start on the housework,cooking and washing etc. He comes home and plays on the computer!

He gets £400/month from a trust fund property that his Nan left him which means he gets a tax rebate of about a grand every year. He started showing off that he wanted a laptop and I agreed he could get one once he did his tax return but as usual he kept on until he got it but still hasnt done the tax return!!

Whenever I want anything he makes out we are on the breadline and cant afford anything but as soon as he wants something he always finds a way to juggle the finances to afford it!

I just cant believe how selfish he can be sometimes!
I get moaned at for buying a newspaper because its a "waste of money" yet he can spend what he wants!!

Not really sure what I expect from writing this I think I just needed to vent!!

nearlyfree Mon 15-Sep-08 01:24:33

my ex was just like that - i can see now - at least in my case - that it was his way of controlling me - a new computer when i was about to stop gettin paid after havin a new baby..(we had a perfectly good one!) a brand new car when i was dealin with my father dying of cancer... but if i wanted anything we couldnt afford it - at one point i saved for 5 years then paid for a three week holiday in florida his part of the deal was to save the spending money - he didnt save anything and we ended up borrowin money and using a credit card for our spendin money I even ended up paying the last few payments of the loan myself something which he has conveniently forgotten if it is ever mentioned...That said i was a complete doormat and just allowed it to happen - so if you can, stand up to him, you must....you'll only live to regret it if you dont...resentment eats away even if you dont realise it....

Saturn74 Mon 15-Sep-08 01:31:18

Not all men are selfish.

Your DP doesn't sound very clued up about money, or very mature.

If you're at home caring for his child, why is there such an imbalance in who can spend what?

It's a partnership, so you should both be able to spend, if the money is available.

I think maybe this is less about him being selfish, and more about how he views your role in the relationship.

thumbwitch Mon 15-Sep-08 01:31:29

It sounds like a royal PITA situation to be in, if you ask me. My DH has a very minor version of this but I squash him flat when he tries it on - as in, we are going to have to budget a bit more because we spend too much on food, so the things we are going to cut back on are my chocolate consumption, but not his wine consumption. I DON'T think so! It is a control thing, but also a very juvenile "me me me" thing (as in, "my needs are so much more important than yours") and implies a lack of respect for you.

Don't think I personally could live with it for long but each to their own and I know you just wanted to vent.

HappyWoman Mon 15-Sep-08 07:19:38

he has never had to face up to the consequences of his spending or selfishness.
My h is a bit like this but fortunately he does earn very good money so can pretty much afford what he wants - and i have learned that i can do the same if i want (hope that doesnt sound too spoilt).

I also stopped giving him permission to do what he wanted - it was his choice not mine.

I do all the finances but when he bought a car he wanted i gave him all the insurance, mot, servicing to sort out - the shine soon wore off - he wanted to sell it - again i let him sort it - it is still in the garage unsoldhmm

I know we are lucky to be able to do that but you need to allow him to suffer from his selfishness himself.

Alexa808 Mon 15-Sep-08 07:36:00

don't think this problem is rooted in the gender of your dp. i have girl friends who are as 'selfish' when it comes to their needs and wishes.

Would def agree it has something to do with (emotional) maturity to be able to be sensitive to other people's needs.

Your dp sounds as if he's not particularly good with money. Men are quite visual: maybe it would help if you drew up a list of your household income showing incoming and outgoing amounts and each one's responsibility to meet the demands. What's left can be divided: equally. And no: baby gear and household stuff does not fall into your sector...

readyfornum2 Mon 15-Sep-08 08:05:11

Thats the thing though he is very good with money adn knows to the penny how much we have got, all the bills are paid (and in fact we are infront on all of them)

But if I suggest going out or wanting something we are broke but if he wants something he can suddenly find the money!!

He always makes a point about me not contributing to the house but forgets that if I work full time I have to pay for childcare which means I am no better off than if I work part time!!

I have been on a meal replacement diet for the last 6 months which costs £36/week that I have paid for myself and he moans about the cost-yet his food budget for the month is £250 (the same as when I was eating!)

He uses money to control me because he knows I havent got any or any way of getting any!!

Pan Mon 15-Sep-08 08:15:15

yes, one of the most breathtakingly selfish people I have known is a woman. Couldn't see much beyond her own nose and purse.

agree, this bloke unfortunately appears to be unconnected with the day-to-day demands of longer term planning.

Alexa808 Tue 16-Sep-08 03:18:01

Just because he knows how every penny is spent and earned doesn't mean he is good with money. His willingness to 'shift' money (having a hols but changing car), or like my GF: buying a pair of shoes or cigs but saving on groceries hmm is a sign of immaturity and inability to budget accordingly. There should be at least a month's rent + bills + food money in your account as savings.

You clearly feel controlled and are unhappy about the situation. Maybe it would help if you put away 50-100 pounds a month for yourself? Just swivel it away after grocery shopping, 10 here, 20 there and keep that for yourself. This way he'd be spending what he wants and you can keep a little pocket money of that equivalent to yourself without having to justify every penny.

Would like to add that it's quite a sad state of affairs if you've come so far having to do it, but I'm recommending this strategy as I don't know how much your dp could change and how much effort you put into making him see the light.

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