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What's the toughest challenge your relationship has recovered from?

(43 Posts)
piecesofeight Sun 14-Sep-08 23:43:07

I'm curious. I have the chance to rebuild my relationship with DS's dad after an almighty and fairly public f*ck-up on his part and with emerging new difficulties to deal with, again on his part - and I'm wondering if it's really possible or worth it; if relationships aren't meant to be this challenging. (DS is four.)

I don't have much of a relationship yardstick. I realise everyone has different boundaries and tolerances, but am wondering what kind of stresses and strains others' relationships have been able to weather at their lowest ebb. Inspire and encourage me - or else help me realise what might be just too much of a strain to bounce back from.

Thanks.

pinkbubbleGUM Mon 15-Sep-08 00:05:08

Me having terrible PND, wanting our 3 DDs dead! literally. Didnt care who heard! blush

Have to say, that was over 8 yrs ago, needed to be in hospital for some of that time!

Love them to bits now, couldn't imagine life with out them! Although saying that DH even now still admits being worried in leaving DDs with me!shock - I told him to get a life! For heavens sake, I have managed to get 2 police cheks since then! (the first one asked lots of personal questions!sad-but understandly.

pinkbubbleGUM Mon 15-Sep-08 00:06:21

Still waiting for DH to accept me for what/who I am .

S1ur Mon 15-Sep-08 00:11:52

I am tempted to say having children.

I think that having children, particularly in thoise early years puts a big strain on relationships. It is fab and all that, but it changes things and it takes a bit of adjusting.

I am confident that if you both want though, you can get past it.

Relationship are sometimes meant to be challenging, when it is hard and you work it out then you know you're solid. It isn't supposed to easy all the time, that would be a wee bit dull grin

theressomethingaboutmarie Mon 15-Sep-08 08:52:14

Children - definitely. We had spent 8.5 years of it being just the two of us. We had time, money, etc. Now we have our wonderful DD (light of our lives), no time and no money (oh and far less sex!). It was a damned hard adjustment and we're still muddling through (DD is nearly 1).

piecesofeight Mon 15-Sep-08 08:54:46

Thanks for posting, pink and Slur. God, pink - your experience of PND sounds incredibly distressing. Good to hear you're back to your old self now.

I'm with you, Slur, on the inevitability of relationships sometimes being challenging, and that it's how this is handled that can define the relationship. And yes, having DS has affected the dynamics of mine and DS's dad's relationship, for sure, but not irrecoverably; it isn't what our recent difficulties have been about. I wish it were as straightforward, because I think I'd at least know how to progress.

Anyhow, anyone else?

Tortington Mon 15-Sep-08 09:01:37

been married for 19 years. 2 years ago dh was violent towards me.... mitigating factors included him being addicted to a computer game and coming to the ned of his work contract - soon to be out of a job...no sleep becuae of the aforementioned addiction.we worked through it. anger management and relate.

the reate counsellor wasn't in herself that brillient - but what was brilliant - is the fact that dh had to say things infront of another human being and be embarrassed at behaviour that within the relationship - he had managed to normalise.

suddenly when you say things infront of a stranger - you realise that its not normal.

we all have our own yardstick to measure stuff by, i can forgive most things happening once. but after that i have to think about my dignity. this is v. important to me personally. i cannot be repeatedly shat on....by anyone.

i let friends shit on me( big time) once. i let family shit on me (big time)once - after that i don't really make much of an effort. with them....this is my own benchmark.

this incident happened once. i wouldnt accept it ever happening again.

the 'public' thing that you mention - ma be a strong factor for me in the 'dignity' stakes

twinsetandpearls Mon 15-Sep-08 09:06:51

Dp accepting that he had anger issues and that the way he spoke to me was bordering on abuse. I also had to accept that I had a role in allowing it to happen. We are still getting there.

mou Mon 15-Sep-08 09:16:34

Going through it NOW...think H has depression but he is in denial and has been a sh*t. Lots of complicated issues but having talkied on MN i think I have to support him now in getting back on his feet as I hope he would if I was in the same place as him, I have learnt to draw a line in the sand though and if he is not willing to go through with the help and make changes then for everybodies sake, there will be no bouncing back. Will see where counselling takes us but am building on inner strength all the time.
DC's more settled but long way to go.
All the best.

onlyjoking9329 Mon 15-Sep-08 09:21:51

we had a few difficulties, we had three children diagnosed with austism within a year DH was in denial for a long time.
DH then diagnosed with terminal cancer was a awful challenge and one that he sadly didn't recover from.

The possibility of my dh going to prison, losing his (very good) job, house etc...

We have been married for 3 years and together for 7 years.
Few months before we got married my Dh his brother and a friend got arrested.
Will try to keep it brief.
Was to do with football/fighting
I saw the video footage and clearly expected it to be dh fault but their punishment seemed so unfair.
The very frequnt trips to court and it hanging over us on our wedding day and honeymoon, not being able to share the burden/stress with many peopleAll this was very very hard. Delaying starting our family because we didnt know what was going to happen.
He ended up with huge fine, suspended sentence, community hours and 5 year football ban(Thankgod)
All of this mainly to do with his huge alcohol issues we have finally overcome.

Minniethemoocher Mon 15-Sep-08 09:34:48

DH being unable to cope with my grief after my Dad died - I nearly left him after 19 years, but we went to counselling and managed to get back together, but I don't know if I will ever truly forgive him for being unable to understand or support me through my grief.... sad I am a lot more "self-contained" as a result...

QuintessentialShadow Mon 15-Sep-08 09:37:18

There is so many. But I think we are in our worst one now. sad

We have survived having ds1. Having ds2 and me falling out with his mum, me having spd and pnd.

We are now struggling to accept and love the people our live experiences has turned us into. Me a shouty bitch. Him a fun loving head in the cloud sort of person with no regard for money, while I sit on the purse strings, in MY homeland where he does not speak the language. Oh, and we are facing financial ruin.

I am too bitter to see his positive sides.

piecesofeight Mon 15-Sep-08 10:11:33

God. So sorry all of you have been through - and are going through - such tough times. Life is sometimes plain f*cking hard.

My situation is that after being with DS's dad for ten fairly content years, he had an all-over-the-place couple of years mood-wise, which I tried to be supportive through and understand, but ultimately couldn't keep apace with.

He left in a bewildering blur of pretty public infidelity and grandiose behaviour, and I went through several months of red mist ranting and raving to anyone who'd listen, which of course I now regret. blush I just couldn't understand his behaviour though; it was utterly dismaying. He has since been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which explains it all, and is now a bit low. He is reluctant to medicate, but is deeply remorseful, can't believe what he's done and wants his old life back. He's also now a bit low and vacant and not that appealing TBH - he's lost his confidence, cheer, sparkle, playfulness - all the things I liked about him looong ago. But he is devoted to DS and keen to do all he can to repair "us", including pursuing non-medical treatments for bipolar.

Being able to make it work hinges on him doing everything he possibly can to find balance and reclaim his old self; on taking responsibility for his condition. But even then, because he wouldn't want to go public with it, my getting back together with him would seem incomprehensible to friends and neighbours: one would NEVER ordinarily revisist such a relationship after that kind of treatment. I don't want to lose friends and respect. And I don't really feel respect for DS's dad at the moment.

I love my home and garden, and want to keep DS as settled as possible here, close to extended family - but I feel very much under the scrutiny of neighbours in our quiet village and friends, and sometimes feel that to be able to even attempt to make this work, after everything that's happened, we'd need a fresh start somewhere else. What an upheaval, and with no gurantees.

Argh. What to bloody do. Life is sometimes miles from being straightforward. Heartening to read of the strength of others on here though. You're a strong bunch. smile

piecesofeight Mon 15-Sep-08 10:15:08

Cross-posted. Minnie, I can relate to becoming more self-contained: moving away from being less dependent on another person for anything, emotionally, financially, whatever. The downside of this is that I think it's easy to become hardened; to close up to a level of closeness we'd once have welcomed. I hope this won't happen, although sometimes I can feel me keeping closeness at a distance.

Quintessential, I am so, so sorry. Don't really know what to say. I just hope that however things pan out, you ultimately find peace and contentment. Feeling for you.

compo Mon 15-Sep-08 10:16:59

the first 2 months of having both children, the sleepless nights, the constant bickering about who was the most tired, the falling asleep without sterilising bottles and just the utter drainingness of a newborn....

notbeenaround Mon 15-Sep-08 12:29:57

Having DD and the way I completely changed from being very carefree and fun to being very controlling about everything. DH walked out and we split for around 6months although I should say DH played his part in the marriage breakdown it was hard on us both and especially our DD.

We are now back together and have really worked through things but I'm finding trusting again is the hardest part

jenk1 Mon 15-Sep-08 14:56:08

I had terrible PND when DD was born,wouldnt leave the house etc,i also had 2 m/c.

In the space of a year DS was dx,d with AS and dd with CP and ASD.

DH became very depressed over his abusive childhood and turned into a moody and not very nice person.

we got thru that.

We split this year,i threw him out, he got a slapper after 3 weeks, i went ballistic and threatened her cos she,d made DS cry, he said he only got with her for a reaction, we got past that.

i found that he,d been on dating websites and trying very hard to contact his first love,we havent got past that and split 3 weeks ago,my heart is broken. sad

anyfucker Mon 15-Sep-08 14:57:47

omg jenk sad

is this the final straw for you now ?

HappyWoman Mon 15-Sep-08 15:10:34

piecesof8 - does he not want to go public?

We are trying to get back on track after an affair - it is not at all easy and probably harder than splitting tbh. But most of the time it is ok and in some ways better than before.

try and remember that this is a new relationship with him and that will have new rules - do what you feel comfortable with in your heart. I dont think i could uproot my family now to start again and we had the chance but i would not take that risk either.

I think open-ness is the key and if people know and then want to shun you that is their problem - of course he is and should be ashamed but there are lots of people who have been through it and will be willing to support you - but i do feel that buring your heads and not acknowlegeing it will only built resentment. Hope that makes sense and you work it out.

Not being judgmental but if he is willing to justify his behaviour by bi-polar then why is he not willing to seek medical help to treat it?

BitOfFun Mon 15-Sep-08 15:16:58

Another one for financial ruin here too - but we are getting through with humour and affection, I don't think it's going to wobble us. I am blown away by the strength of all of you who have posted here, you are inspirational.

jenk1 Mon 15-Sep-08 16:10:45

yes i think so,unless he has a complete personality transplant and sorts himself out and stops punishing me for things that have happened to him in the past which i cant honestly see him doing.

im more upset cos he hasnt even tried this time and i have very hard.

but ill be ok in a few days i wanted him to go and im just grieving for the end of my marriage, i too am inspired by what other people have been through on here,what a bunch of very strong women smile

mou Mon 15-Sep-08 16:14:28

Humour and affection....[hmmmm], what's that then?
Piecesof8, empathise so much with your situation, (no infidelity here, but he is chronically jealous....really not my fault, past problem) really caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.
He keeps saying he's not he's strong as me and i want to shout 'Well fucking try.....'(sorry). My anger is so repressed it is eating me from the inside and i hate it because the real me is a bit dippy, likes laughing and doesn't get angry about much at all.
He'll be home soon..grumpy if i'm on MN.

anyfucker Mon 15-Sep-08 16:16:51

sorry to hear it jenk

Sycamoretree Mon 15-Sep-08 16:48:26

I don't know how I'd cope with something DH had done deliberately, but last year we weathered his redundancy, my dad going through chemo and eventually dying, me giving birth to second LO, DH getting fired made redundant again, me getting a shopping addiction in direct response to how little money we had. I think we managed it all because there was no malice involved in all our troubles. It was nothing any of us could have helped. But there were days I really resented our situation, and wondered what was wrong with him that he could have encountered such a run of bad luck.

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