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How do I do this nicely?

(72 Posts)
Pawslikepaddington Sun 14-Sep-08 23:01:56

Have been with a guy for 2 years-I wouldn't exactly say dp as it is a very non-committal relationship-and I am just sick to the back teeth of it, There is nothing fundamentally wrong with it, but it is driving me mad.
He lives in Yorkshire, I live in Cambridge (someone is SO going to suss me out now!), and I drive up to see him every 2nd weekend. I used to live 5 mins away from him, but then got a place at uni and couldn't refuse, as it was all I had ever wanted, so moved down here 18 months ago. We used to have a lot of fun, so it didn't matter that he was quiet and non-committal about anything, but now he just comes across as sulky and sullen, and like he could be doing anything other than spending time with me. He tolerates dd, but tries to make sure he doesn't see her, so it was never going anywhere anyway.

All was fine when I lived nearby-we used to go out every fri night for a meal or a film, go to a bar, have a lovely morning the next day, and then I would collect dd from her dad's and go home-I thought he would warm to dd over time, and although he is always kind to her, it is obvious to me he doesn't want to be with her. After I moved I would take dd to her dad's every 2nd weekend and then stay for the weekend and we would go out, have fun and snuggle on the sofa-all the lovely things couples do, but now on Fri he is too tired to do anything, we just sit around all sat because he never wants to do anything, or I go and do something on my own, and then on Sun I pick dd up and come home.

We broke up for 6 months last October (things were a bit better back then, but he still never spoke to me or did anything without serious prompting!), but after I pestered him continuously we eventually got back together, as I thought he was "the one". I am exhausted with studying, looking after dd, and just can't take the constant travelling to see him, for him to just sit there all weekend and say and do nothing-we don't even go to the cinema anymore-I clean, he goes to the tip or to see his dad (and leaves me to sit like a lemon), we eat dinner (that invariably I have cooked) and then I drive home again.

His mother is a busy body-is constantly telling me how lonely he is, how I am making him miserable etc. He just sulks and says nothing. I spoke to him on the phone last night and he said that I should come up next weekend. I said we were doing something down here and he just sulked and hung up. I have been to see him over 50 times, he has come here twice, because he doesn't like dd being around all the time. How do I break up with him without his mother, sister et all going insane on me just before the start of term? Under normal circumstances I would just do it, but because I begged him to come back I am too scared of the backlash! He makes no effort whatsoever any more, and I'm not putting 100% in and getting nothing in return-I'm very happy as an sp, but I used to really enjoy being around him, despite knowing it would never go anywhere because of the dd situation.

BoysAreLikeDogs Sun 14-Sep-08 23:15:59

Get rid of him, he is no good for you at all.

His family - what can they realistically do?

Ring you, have a rant, yadda yadda.

Change your phone number, end it with him and stop wasting your time.

On the upside, you'll be able to concentrate on your studies.

You go girlfriend.

trumpetgirl Sun 14-Sep-08 23:17:56

You can't really do it nicely.
I went through a similar thing with dd's dad a couple of years ago. I moved away to uni. He refused to come and see me a lot of the time because he was in a strop, and things just went down hill. Split up at the end of first year. He hasn't been to see either of us since.
You need your time to study, and shouldn't have to go and see him all the time. You must also miss the time with your dd that you're wasting with him.
Just get it over with, it has to be done sooner or later, and hopefully it will all settle down before you have mountains of work at uni.
I can't get over his mother though... what a cow!!!

Pawslikepaddington Sun 14-Sep-08 23:20:27

He he, thought you were having a rant at me and then read the end-ooh I like you! On paper he is a great guy-too shy to cheat (or for me to suspect him anyway grin), great job, v nice house, but the world must revolve around him and mine doesn't-it revolves around dd and Cambridge! Oooh you are a lovely! xx

Tortington Sun 14-Sep-08 23:22:37

tell him - then change your phone number and mobile number - anything else and you will then be stuck in the drama and if you dont change our numbers - you might want to examine whether you subconciously want the drama?

so change your numbers. phone your provider and see how long it would take and what the steps are for doing this, and then you can plan D day around that timescale.

Pawslikepaddington Sun 14-Sep-08 23:23:06

Oh god his mum is mad-he is her only boy, and the only child that has done well. She also tells me what a bad mum I am all the time-I give dd "too much love and attention-she will get spoilt"! I am so glad you went through the same thing, but it is a shame he won't come and see dd-hurrah for us strong ladies!

Pawslikepaddington Sun 14-Sep-08 23:23:55

Ha ha, have you done this before Custardo? grin

avenanap Sun 14-Sep-08 23:23:58

Write him a letter and tell him you've become a lesbian and have met someone else.

shabster Sun 14-Sep-08 23:25:02

Run like the wind my darling. Concentrate on three things 1. Your child 2. yourself and 3. Uni.

I have been married forever BUT if we did split up and I started dating again, the new person would have to love my children more than he loved me.

Go for it....the world is a massive place and we all deserve happiness. Sod his family - good luck xx

Pawslikepaddington Sun 14-Sep-08 23:25:56

Oh yes-yes, that is what I want to do! I have fallen in love with my lesbian lecturer and joined a cult for uber-religious lesbians so will be incontactable from now on as must change my name to some cult name!

avenanap Sun 14-Sep-08 23:27:48

grin My ex's ex girlfriend did this. grin

"I can't be with you any more because I've got feelings for girls. I'm a lesbian."

Pawslikepaddington Sun 14-Sep-08 23:30:58

Oh god I am so tempted by this! " I know I begged you to come back, but the truth of the matter is I was hiding my true feelings and panicked-I am in love with a girl." Perfect!

trumpetgirl Sun 14-Sep-08 23:31:06

I don't know that the lesbian thing would work... I have it on good authority that men like that sort of thing!

Pawslikepaddington Sun 14-Sep-08 23:31:25

And stick Katy Perry's cd in the envelope!

Pawslikepaddington Sun 14-Sep-08 23:32:50

Aaaah no, sadly he is also v dosile about anything vaguely sexual-he went to an all boys school and came out quite sensitive (but not camp for some reason!).

avenanap Sun 14-Sep-08 23:33:27

No, ex was gutted that he was dumped for a girl! He mentioned it quite a few times whilst we were together. It really did wound his pride.

I wish I had thought of it first. grin

You could always ask him to marry you because you want to have his babies now and watch him run as fast as his little legs can carry him. grin

Pawslikepaddington Sun 14-Sep-08 23:36:15

I did say that if he wanted me to move back up (he keeps going on about how much better things were then!) then I would be perfectly happy to be a SAHM and have four children and bake all day-for some reason I got no comment on that one! grin

just write him a letter saying 'it's not working out-thanks for the memories-have a nice life'

what can his family do? they live in yorkshire and you live in cambs!!!

just sack him!

better to travel alone then to be badly accompanied.

Pawslikepaddington Sun 14-Sep-08 23:37:11

Oooh, that's a point, he may tell me he is gay in retaliation! Ha ha!

Pawslikepaddington Sun 14-Sep-08 23:38:02

TMMS-I like that saying, I may stick that on my notice board actually.

trumpetgirl Sun 14-Sep-08 23:38:18

You should propose to him, and see what happens... maybe that's a bit risky though!

avenanap Sun 14-Sep-08 23:39:03

Have you seen how to loose a guy in 10 days?

You could phone all his friends and tell them how worried you are about him (with a few intimate secrets. Does he sleep with a teddy? grin)

I'd be tempted to do the proposing. Or just send him a letter saying it's not working out.

Pawslikepaddington Sun 14-Sep-08 23:41:48

I've already sounded out that route-his friend just got engaged to his gf-they have been together two years, are Indian and she is 29, so he was under a LOT of pressure to do it and didn't really want to. He was saying he wasn't sure about marriage, blah de blah. Maybe I should say that I need to fully commit to him or have nothing at all-we must marry and have babies or I need to find someone else who will marry me and allow me to stay at home all day (one of his biggest fears-women who stay at home and have babies!)

don't play games.
just be honest.
you don't want to be with him anymore. simple as that.

he sounds like a chore.

Pawslikepaddington Sun 14-Sep-08 23:44:11

He does have a family of teddies in his spare room wardrobe, but they are apparently there because he won them a few years back-have never seen that film but am tempted now!

Thank you all for not going down a huge "he doesn't like dd" rant-it really was a fit in around access arrangement, she wasn't sent to her dad's so I could see him!

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