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Ex's - do you really ever get over them, even though you are happy now?

(9 Posts)
changedforthisthread Sun 14-Sep-08 19:07:07

Even though I did not have children with my X, we lived together and shared our lives for nearly 10 years. I am now married to someone else ( happily) and have children with him. I have seen my X's life disintergrate since we split, he has gone from running his own business, earning £100,000's a year, to doing nothing, moving from prostitutes to escorts to seedy clubs and generally losing the plot. I am in touch with his extended ( not immediate) family who tell me I had a lucky escape. I can't help but feel guilty that I should have stayed and if I had, he may be ok.

Anyone else had something similar?

artichokes Sun 14-Sep-08 19:10:58

I haven't had a similar experience but I think it is very normal to retain some emotional ties with someone you have shared so much of your life with. I don't think that what you describe means you have not got over your ex, your feelings of guilt and sorrow show you are a normal caring human being who cannot simply turn your feelings on and off.

I am very happy with DH and my ex seems to be thriving but I still think about him often and wonder what our lives would be like if we had stayed together. That doesn't mean I want to be with him, simply that he was a HUGE part of my life and it is natural for my mind to consider the occassional "what-if".

Earlybird Sun 14-Sep-08 19:25:35

Why did you split? Who initiated the split?

I think it is sometimes tougher to 'get over' an ex if you were the one 'left behind'.

lou33 Sun 14-Sep-08 19:28:57

my exh has chosen to allow his life to go downhill since we split but i dont feel any responsibility for it

he says i destroyed him and made him a non person

i only ever reply saying all i did was end the marriage, how he chose to behave after that was and is entirely down to him

not one tiny scrap of guilt here

changedforthisthread Sun 14-Sep-08 19:49:05

Earlybird, you may be right, he did. It gradually dawned on me during our last year or so together that, despite lip service, children were not on the horizon, he said he was too selfish, and I really didn't want to be one of those women that trick their men into having a family, nor did I want to be little wifey at home whilst he was away on numerous business trips, leaving me with nothing but his money to spend.
So, I did the classic, if we are not going to have children, I am off, speech, and he said "ok". So I did.

I really do wonder if it is seeing me have children with my dh, that has helped tip him into the state he is in now. Or is that me being entirely egocentric?

PeppermintPatty Sun 14-Sep-08 19:51:23

I don't think you can in any way blame yourself for the decisions he made after you split up.

Earlybird Sun 14-Sep-08 20:04:28

First I think you have to give yourself credit for actually moving on when it was clear he didn't want something that was important to you. I actually had the same dilemma with someone and wasted alot of time/energy 'campaigning' for a change of heart that never came from him (his subsequent girlfriend accidentally (?) got pregnant....but that is another story).

It sounds like you progressed with your life/desires, and he didn't/couldn't. Losing you may be a big regret for him, but he does have the ability to build a new life with someone else - as you have done - but has chosen not to.

The fact that he has now 'imploded' shows that he probably wasn't emotionally healthy to begin with, and you were/are. But it is very difficult to watch someone you once loved self destruct.

Hassled Sun 14-Sep-08 20:09:16

It sounds to me like his extended family are absolutely right - you had a lucky escape. There is a very slim chance that had you stayed together he would be in a better place now, but you would have been childless and very unhappy. He made his bed...

Re do you get over them - I'm very lucky in that while he can still infuriate me, the father of my oldest children is one of my best friends. I still like everything about him I first liked - but haven't forgotten what a lousy husband he was. So I have no lingering doubts re our marriage, but that has been made easier by the subsequent friendship.

ScottishMummy Sun 14-Sep-08 20:17:14

are ex for a reason it didnt work and no amount of reminiscing or what if will change that

he is an adult with problems hw is obviously struggling to cope wth that s not your fault.you cant do the Angel Saviour bit, he needs to help himself

it must be sad and of course many "what if's" about this.but ultimately he is in charge of his own destiny.undoubtedly sad to seen someone you once loved have a decline

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