So, I've managed to upset DH to the point where he has slept on the sofa, just when we have been getting on brilliantly

[FrockHorror]

DD goes to my parent's house every Saturday night for a 'sleepover' which she loves doing. I also enjoy it, because it means I get to spend some guilt free time with 3mo DS. DD has been quite jealous and possesive since DS was born.

Anyway, DD started school this week, mornings only. DH has been off work all week. I have been getting up 2-3 hourly every night with DS for feeding, then getting up and sorting and taking DD to school before returning to collect her. I have then entertained both DCs until DH has deigned to get up out of bed. Most days this week, he has remained in bed until DD has finished school and we have returned home.

DH and I had a discussion earlier on in the week whereby we decided that as it was her first week at school, DD would remain home this weekend, mostly because we thought she would be tired from her first week at school. DH has mentioned in the past that he is unhappy with DD going to my parents' every week but has been ok about her going.

Tonight though, he sent me a text, asking me if I wanted to go out. I said yes, as I have had the most stressful day ever with DS. I think he is teething so is refusing feeds, but then screaming through hunger. He is generally whingy and clingy and has required constant attention all day to the point, I felt that DD was pretty much left to her own devices.

Mum phoned and asked if DD was going to stay and I said no, reminding her that I had mentioned it earlier in the week. She then asked how DS had been. Once I explained how he had been all day, she said she would bring round some teething stuff to try. So mum comes round with the teething gel and again asks about DD. At this point I am still saying no but then I thought, what was the harm considering she wasn't very tired from her first week at school and would probably enjoy the undivided attention of my parents, especially as I had been so preoccupied with DS all day. I thought it would be better for her to go and be spoilt there and let me concentrate on DS, leading to a less stressful time for DH and I tonight.

So I told DH what I had decided and he went crazy on the phone at me, refusing to let me explain the reasons why I had let her go. Apparently I was "fucking out of order" because he wanted us all to go out tonight as DD had been at school all week. He put the phone down on me and came home all moody, ignoring me.

I can understand that he is annoyed, as we had made a decision earlier on in the week and I went back on it. However, not saying I was in the right, I had had the day from hell and DH didn't mention when he asked me if I wanted to go out that it was to be a family thing because of DD at school. I am also annoyed that if he wanted to spend this time with DD, he could of got his arse up out of bed at any point this week to either collect her and spend time with her. He's been off work all week. I don't think I would feel so fed up with him if he had at least given me the chance to talk to him about the day I had had and the reasons for me letting DD go.

[LittleBella]

He sounds like an arse tbh.

I can understand his initial annoyance, but to strop off to the sofa and refuse to communicate with you and discuss it, is pathetic behaviour from a grown-up.

Where was he all day anyway, at work?

[RubySlippers]

what is really going on?

this is not about a one off incident

i would be so cross if my DH was off work all week and stayed in bed

[PuppyMonkey]

Sounds like the kind of storm in a teacup row most couples have from time to time. Your dh does sound like he's gone a bit ott (guessing tis not the first time) - but maybe give him time to apologise this time and see what happens next.

[Majeika]

I think he is out of order on the basis that he didnt say it was a family night out.

I am also that he didnt help you out when he had a week off.

The least he could have done is take dd to school. I would have given him some jobs to do as well.

I would take ds out for a long walk, go for coffee and read the paper.

arse

[LazyLinePainterJane]

He had the entire week off work and left you to do your normal routine? He didn't take her to school, or take her out in the afternoon, or watch DS, or spend time with you (until it is convenient for him).....

He shouldn't be the one in a strop!

[Hassled]

I think if I'd gone through your last week and my DH had stayed in bed while I did everything while sleep-deprived, I would be the one stropping off to sleep on the sofa (not that that would have been a very mature response, but YKWIM). I can't get my head around the fact that he is annoyed with you, rather than the other way around. I think you need to sit down and spell out, in words of one syllable, quite what your week has been like, and he needs to take some responsibility for his family.

[FrockHorror]

Thanks for those replies. It is getting me down tbh and I have mentioned to him that he needs to do a bit more around the place, especially if he is going to take time off work. Falls on deaf ears unfortunately.

DS and I are going to collect DD from mums and go to the park. He is still in bed.

Glad I'm not the only one who thinks it should be me with the arse, rather than him.

[Lomond]

Sounds like he is taking his guilt about spending most of the week in bed out on you?

Maybe his plan was to spend some quality time with you all to make up for it.

He is being very immature about it imo.

I would have kicked him out of bed though!

No wonder you were tired if you had no help all week. I know what you mean about your DD, I often feel she doesn't get enough attention when DD2 is playing up. I feel it is good for her to go to her grans if I know DD2 is being especially demanding.

Any chance you will get to have some free time today to get some rest or time to do something for yourself?

[SmugColditz]

he's being a brat

[SmugColditz]

You haven't upset him, he's upset himself.

[turquoise]

So he wasn't off work with a serious illness? How old is this 'man'?

He's unhappy about your dd going to your parent's to give you a break and have some special attention? What exactly does he offer to give you a break? Why doesn't he give her some special attention himself?

Where was he all day saturday, having spent all week in bed? Out with mates?

I would be incandescent, not just a bit arsey.

[Lomond]

He is the arse! Sounds just like my DP unfortunately. This is just the kind of thing he would do/does on a regular basis.

You do need to have a serious talk. I hope you have more success with it than I do. I think the damage is done with my relationship.

Tell him before you leave that he better get his sorry ass out of bed and be waiting to see the children when you get back!

[cornsilk]

He sounds like a princess actually. Sleeping on the couch? What a brat. Sounds like you've had a tough week.

[turquoise]

You say you have been "getting on brilliantly" - would that be because you're doing absolutely everything and he's doing fuck all? Would there be sulks and tantrums if you insisted he pull his weight?

[flimflammum]

at him staying in bed while you cope with everything alone. I get pissed off if my DH stays in bed till 8am at the weekends!

One thought though, could he be depressed? Being unable to get out of bed could be a symptom.

Or is he just being selfish and lazy?

[Twelvelegs]

Let him sleep on the sofa, he sounds like he's a caring and doting dad when it suits him. My DH took the day off to take our DCs to school on their first day (although I had had my c-section days before!!).
A week off work is a week to help around the house, surely? When is your week off?

[hecate]

Do you think that he may be cross? Am wondering how involved your mum is in your life. I know a family where the mother and (grown-up) daughter are a close team and the daughter's husband was sidelined. The mother was always so involved with her grandkids and had a say in all decisions and basically was raising them along with the daughter. The daughter discussed everything with her mother and not her husband, they decided stuff between them. In fact, at one of the kids parties, the grandma was the hostess at her daughters house, arranging everything, getting drinks, running everything with her daughter, while the husband sat to one side like he was a guest! Well, ex husband, because they are now divorced (other reasons) Her mum was nice, but too close iyswim. Just wondered if that was the case at all - or if your husband may feel it is??

[Majeika]

Hecate - I see what you are saying but this guy has been in bed for a whole week and just getting up when his dd comes in!

That is a long time to be cross when the OP has a new baby and is up all night!

I would be so cross and upset if DH did this to me. We are a team and we work together and he would never stay in bed and do sod all when he had a week off.

He says he goes to work for a rest!!

[hecate]

I was thinking more a long term issue causing resentment that has ultimatly resulted in this row (straw-camel-back), rather than a one-off incident that he's exploded about.

No doubt 100% wrong, Just wondered.

doesn't excuse twattery of course.

[FrockHorror]

@ twattery.

He has been making noises for a little while now about the amount of time DD spends with my parents at the weekend, so I suppose this could have been the final straw for him. But tbh, I think it is more a case of my parents seeing more of the DCs than his mum.

I can understand his POV, DD goes there every Saturday until late Sunday afternoon but DH is at work, and for long hours over the weekend so it's not as if he is actually missing out on her.

I think this thread has prompted me to think about our relationship properly because every time I type something, I feel as if I could fill the boards with AIBU threads.

On the whole he is a good bloke and he looks after us in his own way, I guess I just feel a bit unsupported and left here day in day out to make the decisions and then when he doesn't approve, even though it's been left to me, that's where the problems begin.

This situation came about on Saturday evening, it is now Monday morning and we are still not talking. In fact, it feels as though he is actively ignoring me. Last night he text me to ask if I had made dinner (I had) and I replied. He then sent another reply and it seemed a bit jokey so thought he was getting over it. I put DD to bed as usual, he comes home, moves her into my bed and has now decamped to DD's room, leaving me with the DCs and all the usual night feeds with DS (3 times since 12am). He got up as I was getting the kids ready to go to school, made a fuss of them (more for effect than anything else) then left for work.

The more I think about it, the more pissed off I'm getting because I still feel his reaction was way over the top. If he had just given me 2 minutes to explain about the way DS had been all day, I really think his reaction would have been different. I just resent it that he leaves it all to me (apart from bills and stuff, with him working that's his department) and then throws a fit when it doesn't fit in with his plans but yet doesn't even allow me the opportunity to explain myself.

I don't like the atmosphere in the house. It's not good for any of us. DD is having a great time sleeping in with mummy though so that's a positive. I really want to leave him a note, something along the lines of since you haven't even got the common decency to acknowledge me, I will pack my stuff, along with the kids and move out, but then I think why the hell should I? It's my place (well, mine in the respect that I'm the tenant) and it's our kids' home. But much more of it and something is going to have to change.

[hecate]

He's sulking? Right. Do NOT notice. Do NOT try to get him to come round. Do NOT beg!!! Talk normally and if he doesn't respond, either ignore it like it doesn't matter or laugh and say "Oh right, I forgot, you're still sulking" and walk off, chuckling to yourself, with a big grin on your face.

Is he not on the tenancy then? If not, you can easily boot him out.

And DON'T respond to texts. If he wants anything, he can phone you and speak to you!

And WHY are you making his dinner when he is being so pathetic that he is not even talking to you? Tell him that he can get his own fecking food for as long as he is being a wanker.

[hecate]

I am not actually commanding you btw, although I know it reads like that.

It's just an opinion.

That sounds like an order.

[FrockHorror]

No, no, I like straight talking and sometimes think it's what I need.

I made his dinner last night purely as it was leftovers from when DD and I ate . I know it's childish...

I am going to take your advice Hecate and just ignore, ignore, ignore!

Actually, that's similar advice I've received when posting about 4 year old DD's behaviour

[coppertop]

He took your dd out of her own bed so that he could have it instead?

Twattery sums it up perfectly IMO.