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i dont know how to let go

(10 Posts)
prettyfly1 Wed 23-Feb-05 23:01:14


this is my frst addition to the discussion. I need some advice. I was in love with the same person for years. We had a relationship that ended badly but never seemed to be over. Eventually he met someone else. I liked her but knowing there was still chemistry between us she was always edgy about me( understandable really). In the end i moved away. Cut him out of my life. I met someone else and only came back after they had a baby and married. I was happy for him. I really do feel if you love someone and your not right for them then that is the only way to be but never did i forget him. I found out through mutual friends that there were problems in their relationship and refused his request to be friends. Thought it was too dangerous. One night i was very drunk at a party( as a virtual teetotaller it didnt take a lot) he showed up where i was and i am ashamed to say when he offered me a lift home something happened. The next day i cut him out again totally. I didnt want to be an adulteress. Sleeping in his arms and knowing he was there was such a relief and for me like coming home but i couldnt be that person. I couldnt hurt other people. Three weeks later i found out i was pregnant. Despite his early agreement to stand by me knowing the life they had together before i came back i put him in a position where he had no choice but to stay with her. I dont regret it. They dont deserve to suffer and neither does he. I kept the baby and it is due soon but still after all this i cant put him out of my head. I wont talk to him and stay away from where he is. I wouldnt take him back and i dont want his money. I want to live peacefully. He is always in my head. I want to meet someone else eventually but they somehow just fall by the wayside. How do i stop doing this. How do i stop loving him.

lulupop Thu 24-Feb-05 12:36:44

God, I really don't know what the answe is for you, but just wanted to bump the thread up a bit. I think you have shown enormous self-restraint and consideration, absolutely the right thing to do but not something most people could stick with. Good on you. We all know in our heads that if a relstionship is going to end, it should be because the 2 people in it can;t fix it, and not because of a third party, but God knows, it doesn't often work out that way, does it?

Maybe in time, his marriage will break up anyway and you will be together. As you say, given your strong feelings on the subject, if you intervened and gave him an "easy" way out, I think over time the guilt would destroy the two of you anyway.

It is easy to say, but one day, your feelings for him will be lesser, and you will meet someone else. I really don't believe that stuff about there being "only one true love" - different people can be right or wrong together at different times. You sound as though you are v clear in your head about what you don't want - to break up his marriage - and so it would seem most sensible for you to carry on as you have been, giving him a very wide berth. How does that work re your baby, though? Does he not want to see his own child? or did you tell him that he wasn't the father? Sorry to be nosy but think that's quite an important angle here.

Anyway, no answers other than well done for being so strong and morally guided, and we are always here when you need to get it off your chest

prettyfly1 Thu 24-Feb-05 13:54:30

Thanks for that. He does know its his but when i put him in the position to stay with his mrs i forced him into a position where he couldnt do anything re my little one without it becoming public knowledge what he had done. He doesnt feel the way that i do so it wasnt difficult. Its just so difficult. Like i said i dont believe happiness can be built on other peoples misery but sometimes i wonder whether i have been fair to my son in not putting up more of a fight for him. In my head like you i dont believe in one true love either but my foolish and often ignored heart seems to take over occasionaly and trying to not have stupid romantic fantasies of him suddenly realising what i did and just well being there can be quite tough.

lulupop Thu 24-Feb-05 17:54:56

Hey - you HAVE put up a fight for your son, by going ahead with your pregnancy in such difficult circumstances in the first place!

What do you mean when you say "He doesn't feel the way I do"? - do you mean he doen't feel so much about your baby, or he doesn't feel he's still in love with you? Does he know that you still have such strong feelings for him?

I think at the end of the day, his relationship is going to end, because he won't be able to keep this a secret from her for ever. When your son is still small, that's one thing, but once he grows and wants to know who his father is, you're going to have to be able to tell him something, and "Daddy doesn't want his wife to know about you" just won't cut it. Your child deserves more than that, and so in your shoes I would ask him what he thinks is a reasonable course of action. If he tells his wife now, she might forgive him. If she finds out, or he tells her much much later, then it's hard to imagine she could forgive him.

You say you don't want to build your life on their misery, but this goes beyond your romatic involvement with him now that there's a baby involved. On the one hand, as you say, he already has a home life with her. OTOH, he compromised that by sleeping with you again, and so really, it's his responsibility to face up to now.

Rambling a bit but I feel for you so much in this situation, and it's wrong for you to be worrying about what you've done when in fact, he was the one with so much to lose.

prettyfly1 Fri 25-Feb-05 16:43:19

I doubt very much if he has any clue how i feel about him. Letting him think i didnt even want his friendship or indeed like him very much was one of the ways to push him away. Being totally fair to him, i can be very difficult to read. For instance none of my friends know i feel like this, the only way i felt comfortable was to talk about it anonymously on the net. He made a mistake with me and although i do know what your saying about where the blame lies, either way neither she nor their child deserve to hurt like that. I cant stand the thought of being the reason for someone feeling like i have for so long and she isnt really like me. I just try to bury things and get on with it. She is quite highly strung and i just dont think she would deal very well with his betrayal. As for fighting for my son i always will. His dad isnt there and at this point i cant see any way round that because no matter how much it hurts me i feel right about my choices. I wont slate his father to him as i feel that would hurt him more then either of us- my choice is to tell him that daddy would have loved him and been as proud of him as much as me and that his dad was a good man, he just couldnt be in his life. As he gets older i will eventually let him understand more. I just never want him to feel like a mistake or someones dirty secret. He isnt. I probably sound liek i am ranting but it is such a relief to get it off my chest after all this time. And i did mean that he doesnt love me. To be honest i suspect it was very much a case of grass being greener as opposed to any real feelings on his part.

lulupop Fri 25-Feb-05 18:42:32

oh, bless you. you sound like such a nice, kind person. I agree with what you're saying about all the rights and wrongs of it - what I was trying to do was to help you see that, despite his wife not deserving the pain of his betrayal, neither do you. That said, you do need to accept your own responsibility for your choices and be happy with them. If you carry on with things the way you have been, you are going to be carrying a heavy load of regret and "what-ifs", which you'll need to resolve for your own happiness, and, in time, that of your son. Going to somewhere like Relate might be a good way to do this. They see people on their own as well as couples and can be really helpful in guiding you towards a clearer future.

Why are you so against telling him how you feel? It's not as though you're making any demands on him - quite the opposite - but I do think that he deserves to know the truth of the situation so that, whatever his choices, they are informed ones. If he's bumbling along under the illusion that you don't care about him, then he;s not exactly about to make any grand gesture, is he? OTOH, if you put your cards on the table - with no demands - then he might surprise you with his response. Or not. The point is, at least you would know, and have your mind at ease either way.

Must go but thinking of you and hope you're OK. When's your baby due?

audrey68 Sat 26-Feb-05 17:36:06

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prettyfly1 Mon 28-Feb-05 14:16:02

Hi Guys,

email went down over the weekend hence why its taken so long to reply, apologies to you both.
My baby is due in nine weeks time.
I saw him yesterday. Just as i was feeling better, ironically enough. He looked tired, pale and unhappy and it was so damn hard to keep up the illusion of being angry and hating him when all i wanted to do was tell him it was gonna be ok. This is the man whom the only thing i have ever wanted is to see him smile every day. Somehow i have to find it in myself to grit my teeth, put my head down and keep going. I cant tell him. I jsut wish there was something i could do to see him smile again.

To the person in the similiar situation it sounds so tough. People can be very judgemental of people in our situation and often we are considered to be selfish and having bought it all on oursleves. So not true, noone chooses to love someone they cant be with. I would love to carry on talking to you. Only thing i would like to know is feeling the way you do about the father of your why are you staying with your hubby. That must be torture. You dont have to tell me i know how complicated the situation can get.

Thanks both of you for your support. I needed that.

prettyfly1 Fri 04-Mar-05 14:39:50

HI guys,

havent heard from either of you - hope your both ok. Just wanted to see what anyone thought, i have contacted him re: the baby and the possibility of contact, maintenance etc. think i have done the right thing. It was really hard.

audrey68 Fri 04-Mar-05 19:35:54

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