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Never felt so bleak and terrified

(36 Posts)
FleurDeLeeds Fri 12-Sep-08 22:59:46

wrong topic probably, not sure where it fits.
Have recently left my 7yr marriage, I love him and he loves me but Im not in love with him, never have been and feel we both deserve more. I actualy dont think he loves me romantically either but we are/were the best of friends.
We have a toddler together. I am happy to be independant and was feeling free-er than in years just in terms of not constantly questioning the relationship, definitely feel ive done the right thing.
Im pregnant. very early and its utterly ironic as we really never had sex, he never wanted to but a few weeks ago he did and i went along through guilt - he's very upset about the split.
Im gutted, an absolute mess. I would have loved another baby. And now its happened and i cant do it.
i have got into so much debt moving out and i found the baby days a real struggle - i think it would break me to do it on my own and with another child.
I have told him and he says it would be selfish to have the baby if we arent together, but would be over the moon if we could be a family.
I cant go back, i was living a lie and being with soneone who didn't love me in a romantic/sexual/passionate way has utterly stripped me of my confidence.
I am on my own, he is my only friend and i naively hoped he would still care about me as i do him, but i dont think he does. he has turned very cold towards me and as pathetic as it sounds i cant bear it - apart from Dd, he has been the most important person in my life, really he's the only person. My best friend and ive lost that now. I have nobody. My family are far away with their own problems and I dont fee i can confide in them.
I have suddenly become a single mother, full of debt, with no companion, no support and now this. I would love this baby but i cant, i know that but its kiling me to think of going to the doctor to end the pregnancy.
I dont know how i'll get through this.
I know this is all my own fault, i made these choices and now i have to deal with it.
i thought i was strong but i'm not.
i cant bring myself to tak to anyone, im hiding from everything- i want to lock my doors and windows and hide away and keep my baby. Im going mad.
i dont know what i wany anyone to say, i just eed to get it out.

dizzydixies Fri 12-Sep-08 23:03:51

oh fleurdeleeds am so sorry for your predicament, I don't even know what to begin to say to help you

hopefully someone with some fantastic advice will be along soon


BoysAreLikeDogs Fri 12-Sep-08 23:04:56


Please don't despair.

You have managed to extract yourself from a loveless relationship, and shown courage and fortitude.

Trust yourself - you can, and will survive.

You are not the first, nor will you be the last, in this situation.

Chin up, shoulders back and march on.

I am v proud of you, even if we are strangers.

mabanana Fri 12-Sep-08 23:10:16

If you feel that you want to 'lock your doors and windows and hide away and keep your baby', then I would very strongly suggest that a termination is not at all the right choice for you, and I am not at all religous and completely in favour of abortion for people who want it. If you are in the early stages of pregnancy your hormones will be all over the place and that will affect your feelings, also you have just left a marriage, that will also leave you all over the place, but it seems you really want this baby, would be tortured by a termination and need to find ways to get a support network around you.
re your marriage, I think you are a bit unrealistic to think you can leave a man who clearly does love you (ie wants very much to be married to you) and expect him not to be a bit cold at the very least. But there is nothing to suggest that he won't continue to be a father to both your children if you have this baby.
WHy is he your only friend? What about your other friends? What about your family? HOw far? What problems?

FleurDeLeeds Fri 12-Sep-08 23:25:43

thank you all. I'm sobbing here. snot and everything.
Mab - he is my only friend because i left my family and friends to move away with him. i then lost my confidence because of the relationship and found it hard, still do to let anyone get close to me. but i came home to my best friend every night and that seemed to be enough.
They aare not far, far way - still this country but far enough and i stopped, years ago, relying on my family as i was always the strong one while they have been pretty disfunctional - just the last two days since i found out i have been reduced to tears because i have been having to mediate between my mum and sister cos they've got pset with each other and they really do both have quite serious issues they are dealing with, so f course im always there to listen and advixe but i just cant bring mysef to unload on them. I t wouldn't be fair and also have a kind of mental block where i cant open up to anyone. only him.

LOVEMYMUM Fri 12-Sep-08 23:36:16

Can you self-refer yourself to MIND?

Or try the Samaritans?

mabanana Fri 12-Sep-08 23:37:40

Call your mum and your oldest friend tomorrow and tell them everything. YOu will feel so much better. People will support you, but you have to let them.

mabanana Fri 12-Sep-08 23:37:42

Call your mum and your oldest friend tomorrow and tell them everything. YOu will feel so much better. People will support you, but you have to let them.

Pria Fri 12-Sep-08 23:59:28

Fleur,agree with Boys, you've shown a lot of courage in your situation so far.

Finding yourself pregnant in these circumstances is a bit of a bl@*dy shock and you are quite normal in being upset. You say it's v.early days and so you do have a bit of time to consider your options.

No-one can or should tell you what do, but is there really no-one to talk these options through with?

Once you have decided what to do taking into account all your circumstances you will feel a lot stronger again.

Janni Sat 13-Sep-08 06:16:55

It's quite likely that he has turned cold towards you because he is so hurt and upset and that's the only way he can deal with it. If you cannot face an abortion and you do not want to raise the children alone, you could actually lower your expectations about needing passion and romance and settle for respect and friendship. That's pretty important too. It could be, that with counselling, your relationship could improve.

Fllllight Sat 13-Sep-08 06:57:06

Oh God you poor thing. Fwiw, I found I was pregnant when I was on the point of leaving my partner, too - I was terrified.

however after the usual pregnancy awfulness of feeling sick etc, I had the baby and loved it and it was very easy - despite already having a four year old.

It is not so hard the second time, I promise you.

It will be Ok and please don't have an abortion. That would just make it a tragedy rather than a bit of a mix up.

You don't have to be with someone if you don't want to. Take this time out and try to figure out who you are, what you want - I understand how very hard it is to be pregnant without support, because all of my family wanted me to get rid of my baby as well, and even I wondered if it was the right thing, but couldn't go through with it.

Very sad to hear your situation and we are all here for you xxx

FleurDeLeeds Sat 13-Sep-08 20:49:00

Thank you all.
Its true that i am expecting too much re EXs coldness, he is hurt and i'm sure he needs to distance himself to deal with itall.
I see how ridiculous it is that i left him and am now coming over all needy in his general direction! its just hard to now have no-one and i miss his friendship. I fel sure we will settle back to being great friends again. one day and i will totally let him set the pace.
LOVEMYMUM- I must sound rough and yes im throughly shattered by it all but i'm not on the edge, i have a beautiful child who needs me. I'm going nowhere smile
Janni - i have tried for years to make do, there are lots of other things that made me feel now was the time to end things but i guess it all comes back to the fact that there was something missing. In fact trying to carry on just caused resentment, i never really felt we were a proper couple and thought he clung on to me as he didn't want to be alone. We were honestly mismatched, too much so to be healthy. sadly as he's great.
Mab- I honestly dont have 1 friend - god that sounds pathetic - i lost touch with everyone. I cant tell my mum or sister as they would be devestated to know that i was pg then had an abortion. Then i think of EXs family and know they'd be furious if i had the baby.
Still thinking.

MegBusset Sat 13-Sep-08 20:56:25

Hi FleurDeLeeds. I haven't been in a similar situation but just wanted to respond and say that you have been very brave in leaving an unfulfilling marriage.

Also it is YOUR choice if you wish to have this baby. Not your ex's or his family's. You have got to think of what's right for YOU and let everyone else go hang.

To start with have you got a sympathetic GP or HV who could just lend an ear while you have a cry and get it all off your chest. Then maybe think about getting in touch with a couple of old friends via Facebook or whatever.

FleurDeLeeds Sat 13-Sep-08 21:05:37

sorry had to run, v quickly want to say thanks so much for your post flight - really made me feel there was hope x

mabanana Sat 13-Sep-08 21:10:29

Have you not made any friends via your younger child, from nursery or toddler groups or anything? Have you thought of joining your local NCT maybe? Could help widen your social network and provide help and support with the baby.

lou031205 Sat 13-Sep-08 21:27:05

Fluer, I really feel for you, but 9 months is a long time. Even if you permanently separate from your now ex, there is time for your relationship to heal and it sounds as if you have a great friendship which could survive.

This baby is not your biggest issue.

mabanana Sat 13-Sep-08 21:35:34

How old are you Fleur? I am rather horrified that you have no friends and don't quite understand what happened.

captainmummy Sat 13-Sep-08 21:38:09

Fleur - rather than be a couple, can you stand to be half of a partnership with exDP? Then you would get support wit the new baby, he would get a semblance of 'family'? You say you get on well together... why does it have to be ALL or NOTHING? Surely there is a midway path? The 2 of you as mum&dad, just not married? Just for the first few years?

FleurDeLeeds Sat 13-Sep-08 23:51:08

Captainmummy- thats exactly the plan, and it is pretty much working. I am proud of how we have dealt with the split so far (obv there is my personal worry over losing his friendship, but that is seperate) and I guess thats part of my fears of having this baby - he has made it clear he couldnt handle not being there, coming to visit his newborn and going home alone.
I can totally understand that and while i think this has to be my choice, i can see the awful situation he'd be in if i went ahead.
Lou - yes, i hope that feelings will settle and we will be fine given some time, i feel that will happen. but maybe not if i have the baby, it might be the last straw for him.
Mab - im 29. I dont really know how it happened myself! no one who knows me would guess, i appear confident, outgoing, normal but i just have a real wall up, i can be very friendly with people - colleagues, neighbours, acquaintences etc - but not friends. I just cant take that final leap. I slowly lost contact with old friends after i moved because i felt less confident, uninteresting, unworthy. I think that was due to feeling how EX percieved me. I alowed it to make me feel very unimportant.
My fault, i should have left years ago and this is a big part of why ive left now, i need to get back to being myself but i knew that would never happen while i was with him, unfortunately i think he wanted me that way. When we got together people always joked with him abou how on earth did he end up with me, i was (i accept now) bubbly and pretty and attractive and i think this unsettled him. He made it very hard for me to meet new friends and i soon realised it wasn't worth the arguments when i wanted to go out after work or to call people. so i just stopped and he became my whole support system.
People have always still tried to make friends with me, i still seem like a normal person, but i shut down when they get too close. i feel that they'll discover i'm a phony, that i'm a frinedless, uninteresting freak. i know thats not really true, i dont hate myself but its a leap of faith to think someone else will still like me when they know me well.
There are actually a couple of wonderful women who are currently reaching out to me, who i feel a real connection with but i cant do it, i cant let them in and its such a waste that they'l be added to the list of people who could have been great friends but i've pushed away and of course they'll soon give up.
TBH, i want them to give up. i want to deal with this barier issue but i cant right now - i ahve more immediate concerns.
I did another two pg tests earlier - different brand- in the hope that it would be negative but no, the lines are stronger.
I feel very hollow now, i know what i have to do. if i kept the baby i just see so many battles ahead. i cant do it myself, im not as strong as i thought.

Janni Sat 13-Sep-08 23:57:21

Fleur - I understand smile I really wish you well. There are lots of mums on here who will be able to help you, having been through something similar themselves x

FleurDeLeeds Sat 13-Sep-08 23:58:54


solidgoldbrass Sun 14-Sep-08 00:02:45

I think you have done absolutely the right thing in leaving a man who wants to stop you having any friends because he is so insecure and inadequate. Please remember that.
You may well be able to forge an amicable co-parent relationship with him: he might grow up a bit (if he has previously been a good father) once he realises that you are not property and that his inadequacy is his problem.

FleurDeLeeds Sun 14-Sep-08 00:23:14

you're right sgb, but he is a really wonderful person...... apart from entirely wrecking my life grin
No, hes a good man, i guess he just allowed an insecurity to make him beahve badly.
Thankfully he's a fantastic father.

solidgoldbrass Sun 14-Sep-08 00:25:33

He's not that good a man if he's cut you off from any kind of support network and made you feel guilty for wanting to be regarded as a human being rather than a prop for his ego. People who are 'vulnerable' and needy and who bleat and whine a lot about their hurt feelings can be just as toxic, selfish and abusive as those who are physically agressive.

FleurDeLeeds Sun 14-Sep-08 00:30:10

i do know what you mean. think i kind of dont want to acknowledge that yet, maybe once im more back to myself i can deal with those feelings, but thank you.

(btw - if you used to be someone else... and who i think you were...i admire you very, very much. and if that makes no sense and you're just sgb... well you seem pretty cool too grin)

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