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What do you do when you're tempted to stray?

(33 Posts)
ballbaby Fri 12-Sep-08 21:10:52

I love dh and my two ds's. But dh works shifts and i find life at home 90% hard work and 10% of those fantastic proud loving moments. I get irritable because i never seem to get a good nights sleep without a tablet, so a lot of the time i'm snapping at dh. And i never want sex because most of the time i feel completely exhausted - although on the one or two occassions a month we do it it's fantastic. I know i love him and i want to spend the rest of my life with him - no worries there.

Except that sometimes I go out with the girls and i can't seem to not flirt - i think it's a wanting to be found attractive thing more than anything - I know dh does fancy me lots but it's like it's not enough. Last night i went to a works overnight do and had such a fantastic time with a guy i'd never met before. I knew he wasn't a 100% nice guy and there's no way i'd want to have a meaningful relationship but i was loving his attention - and was soooo horny blush. Too much to drink and i was really tempted to go with him back to his hotel room. Thank God i saw sense and didn't. But it's too close for comfort really - i would have felt so awful today if i had and it could have ruined my life (and the kids' childhoods). Needless to say it's not the first time I've been tempted, but i've never actually strayed.

Do you think it's safer not to drink? Not to flirt? I don't want to stop because I imagine - no I am - miserable company without the two. Just wondered if anyone else has the same dilemma?

Rubyrubyruby Fri 12-Sep-08 21:13:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ballbaby Fri 12-Sep-08 21:16:25

RRR you're absolutely right - although in my defence i don't go out that often!

Cryptoprocta Sat 13-Sep-08 11:44:24

Keep your bush looking like Terry Waite's allotment. The shame of it will keep your knickers on.

RubySlippers Sat 13-Sep-08 11:46:33

drinking always lowers inhibitions

go out with your DH - flirt with him, have a giggle

were you really tempted? If so, then you need to take a good, hard look at your relationship before you take a step too far and potentially ruin your marriage

BecauseImWorthIt Sat 13-Sep-08 11:47:02

You need to sort your home life out first. If you can't go out with girlfriends without wanting to behave like this then something is very wrong.

Good on you for not acting on it though!

HappyWoman Sat 13-Sep-08 19:28:28

first of all well done for not acting on it - but i think that what you felt was perfectly normal - it does sound as if you could make a bit of an effort at home and spend some time with h, but you did nothing wrong and so enjoy the attention and know your limits.

I have done this too - and i have also told h about it but i am probably a bit too open sometimes.

foxinsocks Sat 13-Sep-08 19:33:14

I think you're knackered, you're not getting enough time with dh and you probably BOTH want/need a bit more time together being romantic iyswim. You sound a bit miserable at home tbh (probably from the above).

I also think that if you get like this when you're pissed, then just be careful how much you drink. You know there's a line where you cross from happily piddled to inebriated and you need to keep on the happily piddled side. Having said that, I don't think there's any harm going out and having a good time as long as you know you aren't going to do anything.

And I think you've been very honest. I actually think this happens to a lot of people. I see it when I'm out all the time.

foxinsocks Sat 13-Sep-08 19:34:33

and I bet you aren't miserable company without flirting, you just probably think you are because you think that's what other people are looking for in you and I bet they aren't.

mou Sat 13-Sep-08 19:46:55

Came very close to something similar but i started to get emotionally attatched to someone who was gentle and kind when my life has been falling apart. To be fair he was never any kinder than anyone else but for some reason i connected with him. To cut a long sad story short i cut my contact with him.......
Part proud of myself, part in emotional pain at the loss of a kind 'crutch'.
IMO and i do try not to be judgemental, infidelity on any level is a dangerous and causes untold damage. I think you should be proud of yourself for not giving in and do what you can to reduce your vulnerability to this kind of situation. Drinking and flirting ok but perhaps moderate while life is tough at home?

TracksuitLover Sat 13-Sep-08 20:08:55

I wish I knew the answer. I have a compulsion to do this sort of thing as well. I haven't got any good advice, just wanted to give my support and say you are not the only one.

filthymindedvixen Sat 13-Sep-08 20:11:19

throw your energies into flirting with dh when he is around.

sophiebbb Sat 13-Sep-08 20:18:03

Hello. This sounds pretty normal to me so don't beat yourself up about it. I love my DH to pieces but have just had second baby who is 4 months old (first only 20 mths old) and I am dying to get dressed up and go out drinking with the girls. Most are pregnant with their second baby though and besides I am still bf-ing.

I know that if I went out, got dressed up, got pissed and was chatting to an attractive guy who was giving me loads of attention then it would probably make me feel sexy again. Well done you for not acting on it. It is not worth the heartache for all of you. You would feel SOOOO guilty.

You can probably take comfort from the fact that you did drink and did flirt and did still manage to control yourself so I would say in a similar situation you could do so again. Well done.

ballbaby Sat 13-Sep-08 20:47:14

Thanks for your comments everyone. I did have a chat with dh about this over dinner tonight - he's getting more attractive with age and we chatted about flirting - I know it's not just me he gets his fair share of attention when he goes out. We talked about why we enjoy it - i think a lot of it is that we met at 17 and 19 and (as far as i know) neither of us has slept with anyone else since. It's really good to have that 'newly in lust' feeling and i think that's why we both do it. Anyway he's made a real effort with dinner tonight - strawberries and cream on the way and i just know this is going to be a good night!

ballbaby Sat 13-Sep-08 20:48:39

It does help that i got up with the kids to give him a lie in, and he took the kids out so i could go back to bed and catch up on sleep. So tonight i've got some energy for a change!

fuddle Sun 14-Sep-08 16:21:39

I think it is healthy to talk about these issues and well done for admitting it. too many women friends of mine would never admit to fancying anyone else.
I met a guy who worked in a gym. Dh had got the sack and I felt he just left me to deal with all the financial stuff and emotional stuff. went through a really rough patch. I was working long hours just to make ends meet. Nothing happened between me and this guy bit of a long story. Anyone interested?
don't think sex with anyone else would be anywhere near as good as you think, probably a huge let down. Hate to say it but true I should think.
I am 42 and hitting abit of a midlife crisis, I suppose you don't want to feel old and invisible to men do you?
Sometimes people can give you all the advice in the world but you don't take it. If you haven't had any other partners than it is natural to wonder what it would be like with someone else. I know one girl who decided to try it out for that reason and regretted it but it stopped her in her tracks and she didn't think about it very much after that.
flirting if free, fun and you are in control.
when does flirting become more though?

girlsnextdoor Sun 14-Sep-08 18:04:54

Maybe you should go out for coffee with your friends instead of drinking?

I think there comes a time in our lives when we need to put the single lifestyle behind us- and you sound as if you are putting yourself in way of temptation by going out on the town.

If you are tempted, just don't put yourself in that situation.

Or admit that there is more wrong with life at home than you admit and do something about that. You do come over as a tad immature, I'm afraid. wanting it all really- loving DH, kids, but still w anting to have the thrill of being able to pull.

ballbaby Sun 14-Sep-08 18:27:06

I agree I'm immature as i don't have much experience of playing the field. My head tells me that some (probably most) men can be predatory and cruel in their pursuit of women, and will tell you anything to get what they want. But deep down when i'm flirting i want to believe the nice things they say. The buzz from my recent night out lasted a good couple of days!

My home life isn't perfect. But i know i need to be grateful for what i have, and if i work at it it can get even better.

Fuddle thanks for the cautionary tale. It's reinforced my view that i will always stick to my guns. Don't know if I'm ready to completely give up flirting yet though!

Blandmum Sun 14-Sep-08 18:30:41

I remembered that I had stood up in front of my friends and family and made a vow to stay with my dh.

And my dh was in the armed forces and was away for months at a time. So I know what it is like to be frustrated

You are making excuses for your behavior. You need to grow up and take responsibility for your actions.

Or decide that you want to be single. That would at least be honest. I'm gld you haven'#t stepped over the line, that is a positive thing, but your OP seems to want people to excuse your behavior

girlsnextdoor Sun 14-Sep-08 18:33:24

BB- isn't your DH telling you all the nice things you want to hear? or aren't you telling yourself?

You seem to be suffering from low self-esteem and wanting others to confirm that you are attractive- as well as perhaps marrying very young (??) and not having had much experience of men?

Basically, the men you are meeting are wanting a shag- they don't give a toss about you, or who you are. You aren't "available" for anything- you are married- so maybe you need to keep reminding yourself of that?

ballbaby Sun 14-Sep-08 18:47:20

Just to be clear - i flirt but make it very clear that I'm married and have no intentions of going home with anyone. Of course this doesn't put men off but i never try to deceive.

I love nights out with my closest girl friends, but this was a works night (a room full of accountants) and started as really boring small talk that i can't stand and am no good at. It would have been a real drag without flirting with the guy.

I've been honest with dh, who even sees me flirting with his dad (i really have no designs on him so i don't knwo why i do it). But dh is philosophical about it - "girls learn to flirt from the age of 3". My youngest son is already the biggest flirt i know. Can anyone really say they never flirt?

girlsnextdoor Sun 14-Sep-08 18:56:12

Yes, but your OP was not about flirting- it implied you wanted to take it further. I think you are trying to wriggle out of this now!

If you flirt, men will see it as a come on, or you might get a reputation as a tease.

Flirting is harmless, but you seem to want more than just a flirt.

What do you get out of flirting that you aren't getting at home?

Maybe instead of fliritng you should learn to make small talk- it will keep you out of trouble anyway!

Blandmum Sun 14-Sep-08 19:07:41

each to their own but I would have been farking annoyed if dh had been flirting with other women

if you don't like small talk , then talk about something more important

You don't have to flirt. It isn't a vital component of life

You want to flirt, which is a different thing. And as an adult you should be asking yourself why you feel this desire

ballbaby Sun 14-Sep-08 19:09:23

"what do you get out of flirting that you aren't getting at home?"

I think what i get out of flirting is to some extent "my own way" - i use it at work with both men and women to motivate them (flattery, praise, trying to be attractive in the way i present myself so that people will listen and take notice). That's much too honest a thing to say and i'm waiting for the backlash. People do it all the time - it's not jsut me.

The thing i got from flirting with the guy that i don't get at home is that newly in lust feeling, which i will never get from dh. Of course dh makes me horny but only through foreplay. It would be wierd to lust after him after 18 years.

girlsnextdoor Sun 14-Sep-08 19:15:16

I think you are confusing using "charm" at work, and "flirting".

All emotionally savvy people use charm to motivate and get on w ith others, but drinking a lot and flirting is different.

I don't know what you want anyone to say really- flirting is ok as long as both parties involved know it is harmless flirting- a bit like a game- and that it will never go any further- but you seem to be rather "needy" and almost about to take it a step further.

It is normal to fancy other guys and great to feel wanted by someone who isn't your DH- but if it is giving you grief, just stop doing it.

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