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I feel sick :(

(16 Posts)
Mum2OliverJames Fri 12-Sep-08 12:28:29

i posted on here last week, i went and reported it to the police and made a 15 page statemant that took 5.5 hours. My x was hassling me and kept wanting to get his stuff without the police here and told me he would only apologise once he was allowed back to the house, so i let him back to the house but arranged it for a time that a policemant would be there!
He turned up early with his parents and because the policeman hadnt arrived yet i wouldnt let them in, when the police man arrived they were being so nasty to me. i never thought his parents would turn on me, esp because of DS, but they did.
X is going to be arrested today, it was supposed to be earlier on in the week and i know i am going to get loads of grief from his family and friends.
i have just been feeling constantly sick since friday and have lost a stone (which is probably needed) because i am feeling nervous and anxious the whole time.

Mum2OliverJames Fri 12-Sep-08 12:30:00

BTW MAMAZON i have changed my settings

Alambil Fri 12-Sep-08 12:31:59

my ex's parents said that because my bruises would fade, there was no lasting damage and therefore I needn't leave him.

I can understand the ganging up on you - it's very scary.

WELL DONE though on keeping them out until police get there.

Don't answer your phone or mobile or door if they start anything; report it to the police. It's harrassment.

His behaviour is his responsibility. Don't feel bad or guilty - he is being arrested because he's breaking the law of his own accord.

You are so brave

neolara Fri 12-Sep-08 12:42:38

I don't normally post on relationship threads like this, but I just wanted to say - bloody well done! You have completely done the right thing by the sounds of it. I guess it may well be tough going over the next little while, but you have shown a huge strength of character by getting you and your son out of a very dangerous situation. You should be really, really proud of yourself.

Mum2OliverJames Fri 12-Sep-08 12:58:35

what i think upsets me the most is the fact that i have told him that he cant have unsurpervised access(supported by ss) untill he has gotten some help for his anger and he still wont, its like he doesnt want to see him yet he gets annoyed at me because i apparently chose to do this hmm
He did say to start with that he wants nothing to do with him, but i think that even after all this he can be a really good dad. i want my son to now his dad and then when he is older make up his own mind whne and where he wants to see him, not just in a contact center.
i have tried to be reasonable! but whatever i do just isnt good enough, i got my parents to come over and sit with DS whilst i ran around like a headless chicken trying to get all X's stuff together, they just walked in and said 'oh thats nowhere near all of it' if they had given me more than 2 hrs i may have had more stuff hmm
didnt even thank me until he was demanding his work laptop (he already had 2) and i told him why should i it was even appreciated when i got his other stuff together.
he hasnt apologised at all, he said he only will when he is allowed in the house when ds is awake(i had arranged it for when ds was in bed because he is taking it hard)i feel like he is blackmailing me.

BTW im not brave in have been pretty much constantly crying because i wanted so much for my son to had the great family life i had.

mitfordsisters Fri 12-Sep-08 13:02:16

Have you got your family near you. Can you ask your mum and dad or a friend to be with you for a few days?

Like Lewisfan says, he has broken the law, and it's there to protect us from violence. His family haven't a leg to stand on so freely ignore anything they say. You are a very brave woman and you are making a better life for you and your ds already.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Fri 12-Sep-08 13:26:35

lease seek legal advice on this one sweetie.

can you lock up the house for a few weeks go back a few times without DS to sort paper work etc out and go and spend time with your family.

you really do need their support and to not be on your own right now.

saw your other thread bills/money etc it falls into place it all comes together, but would say if you ahve any thing joint get as much out as you can - he's prob done it already thou.

re the inlaws - they might do well to remember that as grandparents they have NO rights to see their DS NONE. mine keep me onside i'im sure so I keep letting them see DS (althou another story/thread) my XMIL also said that her DS was fantastic, & well I should put up with his cheating/abusive ways cos all men do it - er they might in her marriage not in mine!!!

important facts to rememebr when he gets you do.

1) you're brave.
2) you're smart
3) you're a FANTASTIC mum, and don't EVER EVER let him convince you other wise.

the rest of it will follow suit. good luck. MN is always here for you.

oh and also get on to the tax credit people & hjave your CB changed to weekly - I know it's not much but when in need it will help. if they tell you it will take ages to sort say you want an interm payment as you can't currently provide for your DS.

ithinkimtallandblonde Fri 12-Sep-08 13:38:55

It won't be easy but it will be the best thing in the world for you and your baby, well done. get the number for a local support group you'll be a ble to meet other mums who have been through the same thing and they can give you advice.
If he ever hurts your baby again its worth taking him to the local A&E/police station that way they'll take pics and if he ever requests visitation rights you'll have some evidence (if your baby still has cuts now, take a pic).
I hope your all right, you need to tell all your friends and family and maybe even social services(if you were to go back to him your child would be placed on the at risk register) so as your not tempted to go back. Stay strong xx

citronella Fri 12-Sep-08 13:48:21

You are doing really well. Stick to your guns and as Spandex said get legal support as quickly as possible. Every day will make you stronger and sronger. When you have emotionally difficult days(I don't know your full story) try to focus on practical issues and it will help keep you strong.
Good luck smile

Mum2OliverJames Fri 12-Sep-08 14:31:38

Photos and things like that were done at the police station when i reported it, i also went to e+a and they looked at some existing injuries which i hadnt reported. and the only reason i told my family was so that i wouldnt go back, not even if he gets himself sorted. i think i only took it because i haven't had a nice bf yet and just assumed that i will only get bad eggs.

His parents had the cheek to have a go at me saying that i had broken their trust when i got the police involved, i would have hoped they would have been on the side of there grandchild who cant defend himself not on their sons side who is a bully.

I am going to go to my parents for the weekend, i am exhausted after only one week, am struggling to keep on top of the house work and need a break, i have so much respect for single mums that have been doing this for years.

X had told me that i was a bad mum because i was shouting for help when he was trying to strangle me, i think i was just supposed to be quiet and take it hmm neighbours didnt even bother to phone the police and i was screaming at the top of my voice.

Mum2OliverJames Fri 12-Sep-08 14:34:04

I think i am going to try and concentrate on bringing my son up and getting some good qualifications so that when he goes to school i can get a good job and we wont need to rely on anybody.

i havent saught legal advice yet have been put off waiting the loooong wait for cab (with my 8 month old ds - fun) is there anywhere else i can go that i wont have to wait as long for?

SpandexIsMyEnemy Fri 12-Sep-08 14:43:12

right listen now,


gonna stamp me feet more if needed you're not! lol. seriously thou, a questionable mother would be one who stayed after what he did, a bad mother would be one who left herself and left her children behind. you are so far removed from a bad mother. You're brave, you've put your son above all else. for the next few months you will have wobbles, you will have days of exhaustion when it's all you can go to get dressed (hell I still get them a year down the line) BUT know this - you'll be free, you'll have your own space, you can raise your DS in an environment where love and security play a key role, and violence terror & bullying is not allowed.

you know a lot of the lone parents didn't set out/choose to be such on the LP boards but we're all there for each other - and i'm positive if you have a wobble one of us will be there to help you pick up emotionally. I know you are scared sweetie, honestly it's very daunting and scary to step out into the world and worry now that every little desision you make is going to be the right one for your DC - even down to where you live & send him to nursery etc. the pressure does get too much sometimes. but with a good support network YOU CAN DO THIS. you can, believe in your own strength.

re his family - tbh what I would do is ignore them, log everything and keep your head high. I've come to the conclusion - and I prey I'm never like this with DS's future partners, that our MIL's kids are the apple of their eyes and can do no wrong. you will always be the bad guy, and you'll always be the one who took their son & grandson away from her - but you know what - all this aside you have the BEST thing of all, because you have your son. he is the best thing to come from this.

it is hard, but it's so rewarding as well.

(oh and as a final thought - right now in this moment, trust your family only, if your MIL comes across sweetness & light etc have an air of caution. when my X said he wanted out, my MIL sent a message to me saying i'll talk to him I had no idea etc etc laying it on thick, then I found out about a week later had sent one to XH saying 'don't worry son, I did it to your dad you can still have your son' angry)

tbh thou looking at your DS - you'll find the strength you need to fight this, it just happens, but please make sure you have family with you so if you do break down they can help you rebuild, & to a degree protect your & DS from a lot of things.

Mum2OliverJames Fri 12-Sep-08 15:50:21

I am not saying i believe X for saying i am a bad mum, it just hurt at the time, i have only ever put my son first, i have told him off if he needs it(like trying to touch the fire) and i give him cuddles and play with him. X also said i was a bad mum for checking my emails when DS was awake.

I think that half of X's problem is that him mum wiped his backside for him growing up, never let him lift a finger to dust/vacuum/tidy/wash clothes/iron and then X expected me to do all those things! (but i am stubbrn 2 and wouldnt do what he told me, which prob made it worse hmm) where as i have as young as i was able to done my own washing etc (which i hated having to do at the time)
I think this is his problem, i wasnt his mum and wouldnt do everything for him, i believe that it should be shared (my dad did most of the housework in our family and was also the main breadwinner)

i am absolutely giving up on men! i know there are some decent guys out there but i have put a lot of weight on over the last couple of years sad

Before his parents turned on me i was going to just let X see DS around their house because i knew x wouldnt hurt DS in front of them, but not now, they have shot themselves in the foot because i am not going to have DS around such poisonous ppl(and plus how do i know i can trust them to not leave them alone together) - if X decides he wants to have access it WILL be through a contact center. at least until i am satisfied that he has had enough help(and DS is old enough to tell me if he does anything)

I feel like a bitch doing this but i have to keep DS protected sad

bluejelly Fri 12-Sep-08 16:00:44

You are so not a bitch, you have absolutely done the right thing. Don't lose your nerve, things will get better and being a single mum is really quite nice, once you get used to it.

I too cried and cried that I wasn't able to give my baby the 'perfect' family I though she deserved. She's now 9 and I realise that she is loads happier and more secure than many of her friends with so-called 'perfect' set ups.

So don't feel like your son will go short, I truly believe kids just need one loving person in their lives to give them the self-esteem they need, any more is a bonus.

TheUnsinkableMB Fri 12-Sep-08 16:14:49

You're not a bitch for giving your ds a better life.

It really will be much better than having him grow up in that kind of environment.

*You did the right thing*

SpandexIsMyEnemy Fri 12-Sep-08 16:31:02

you're not a bitch - very much not one tbh.

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