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Fed up with DPs behaviour

(63 Posts)
nikki7984 Fri 12-Sep-08 09:09:41

Where to start...

Have been together 4 years, have 6mnth old , i dont work , gave up under his instructions before LO born. He has v good job but v stressful job with a top salary but seems to think due to this he can do what he likes.

So much to say but briefly...
Since LO born things dont seem to be working, from day one i was told he had never known anyone milk something so much because i was in so much pain from forceps delivery and crying in pain when walking getting out of bed etc..,

when LO 6 weeks old goes out on lash strip club comes home 4 am rude to me says he doesnt want to f**k me that i am fat ugly and disgusting which is why he went. This behaviour and digs continue with him screaming at me he would rather have a page 3 girl than me..

Over the next 3/4 months He has spates of weeks of being nice then a one off night of drinking and aggressiveness towards me.

Recently its got to the point where he is going to strip clubs almost everyweek coming home with glitter all over him some nights not coming home at all and not caring that its hurting me instead he screams at me that i am useless that i cant call myself a housewife as i am rubbish and that noone would have me if i left him and i should be grateful as in his eyes i live a WAG lifestyle and he is in the top 5% of eligble men in the UK, basicly because he finacially supports me.. i dont have a joint account with him i get an allowance which i use to buy all the household grocerys baby stuff including LO s clothes and i pay a portion of the household bills, I say I am going to go back to work then and he takes the p**s out of me saying i could never work again all i would earn is 40 quid a week, i had a job paying 40k before and i still own my own flat which i rent out.. I dont want to work as i want to look after my son soley as he claims to want

I am really at the end of my teather as i feel that although he is not physically abusive mentally and verbally he is and he does not understand what life is like looking after a baby and i am fed up of him being so awful to me just because he finacially supports me last night he tore up a shirt because i had not sewn buttons on to it and then screamed at me because i forgot to take his dry cleaning in.. how is this fair or am i being ridiculous and should i just get on with it?
I have tried talking to him but he tells me its all PR that goes with his job and that if i leave he doesnt care and will get a 20yr old size 6 girlfriend to look after him..
Also i have got back to my pre pregnancy figure and weight but still he acts like this.. Thanks for listening to this rant.

Buda Fri 12-Sep-08 09:15:51

I think the 20 year old size 6 girlfriend would be welcome to him quite frankly.

Run. He is controlling and abusive and shows you zero respect. Is that what you want your DS to see? Give your tenants notice and move back into your flat. Your DP will have to pay child support but you will be free of him.

SilverSparkle Fri 12-Sep-08 09:17:08

Hi, why are you still with him???

He obviously doesn't respect you and has no time for you. I think i know what i would do. You are capable fo earning a decent salary again and look after yourself and your son...do you really need him..or want him??

MrsMattie Fri 12-Sep-08 09:17:45

I only got half way through your post. He is an abusive bastard. leave him. It would be better to be alone with a baby in a bedsit than put up with that sort of shit.

Overmydeadbody Fri 12-Sep-08 09:18:18

You are right, he is abusing you, even if it is not physical abuse.

No one should put up with this kind of behaviour. The best thing you can do is leave him. He is a first class twunt by the sounds of it.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Fri 12-Sep-08 09:18:33

agreed,

this isn't a man, it's a pathetic excuse for a controlling abusive twat, who's tbh full of shit.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 12-Sep-08 09:27:09

nikki

I also think the 20 year old size 6 g/f would be welcome to him.

Mental abuse like you (and by turn your son) are experiencing is just as damaging as any physical blows. No matter what you do it will not be "good" enough for him. It will also do your son immeasureable harm to see all this too if you do not get away completely from this abusive man.

I am wondering why you are still there; what are you exactly getting out of this so called relationship?. He is emotionally abusive and not just to say controlling (you have given up work under his instructions?) towards you - you and your son deserve far better than he.

Give your tenants notice and move back into your flat. Rebuild your own life without him in it.

You're a person - not his possession.

nikki7984 Fri 12-Sep-08 09:28:24

Thanks for the replys, I am scared i dont want to be alone even though now i feel alone alot. I cant afford the mortgage on my flat not working and the job i did before would not work if you had a kid, 8am-7pm and every other saturday..

I want things to work as i dont want my son to come from a broken home but i am sick of sitting here having to feel grateful and worrying i dont do enough to warrant me not working.. he never does anything for my DS other than play with him at the weekend, i do everything nappys, car seat, buggy, feeding washing everything if i was hit by a bus today he would not know where to start, i know this is my job but i feel he does not appreciate that it is a job ..

I just dont know deep down i feel leaving is probably the only solution but i want him to listen and change and want our family to stay together..

Thanks i know i am pathetic for still being here

nikki7984 Fri 12-Sep-08 09:28:26

Thanks for the replys, I am scared i dont want to be alone even though now i feel alone alot. I cant afford the mortgage on my flat not working and the job i did before would not work if you had a kid, 8am-7pm and every other saturday..

I want things to work as i dont want my son to come from a broken home but i am sick of sitting here having to feel grateful and worrying i dont do enough to warrant me not working.. he never does anything for my DS other than play with him at the weekend, i do everything nappys, car seat, buggy, feeding washing everything if i was hit by a bus today he would not know where to start, i know this is my job but i feel he does not appreciate that it is a job ..

I just dont know deep down i feel leaving is probably the only solution but i want him to listen and change and want our family to stay together..

Thanks i know i am pathetic for still being here

mppaw Fri 12-Sep-08 09:30:15

He sounds vile and a complete waste of space...BUT....Why should you leave and live in a bed sit?
I would start playing him at his own games, go out, not come home (Even if it is round a friends, just tell him your parents have DC and you are going out).
At the end of the day, if you love him it does not matter what other people might suggest, you will do the right thing when you are ready.
In the meantime, make it as pleasant as you can. Dont include him in anything you and DC do etc......

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 12-Sep-08 09:30:28

A book you should read for future reference is "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Controlling men are often angry ones as well. The writing was on the wall a long time ago, I bet he was charm personified in the early days and perhaps the warning signs of his true nature were there back then.

limecrush Fri 12-Sep-08 09:30:34

what is it about him that you originally loved?

because he sounds like one of the most abusive men I have ever heard of. It sounds as if he is so miserable in himself that he has decided to casually destroy someone else.

I don't often say this in a kneejerk way, but it sounds as if you should be considering getting out right now.

nikki7984 Fri 12-Sep-08 09:30:59

ps i gave up work as I was not happy there as they were not v understanding and he told me give up i would like u to and dont worry i will look after u.

expatinscotland Fri 12-Sep-08 09:34:23

He is abusive. Please leave him. Which do you think is healthier for your child - a 'broken' home (that never really was one, tbh) or growing up with the example of an abusive father?

limecrush Fri 12-Sep-08 09:36:49

expat is so right. I am so disturbed for you reading your post. Where are your lines of support? Mother, siblings, friends? You need that so much now. Don't let him destroy your self esteem.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 12-Sep-08 09:38:14

Nikki,

You won't be the only one damaged if you continue to stay with this abusive man - your son will be as well. The longer you stay the more you will get ground down by him; he will drag you down with him.

Bet he doesn't like you at all going out does he or without him?. Do you feel that you have become more isolated over time from your own family and friends?.

Its all very well saying you want things to work out but this is one way; he is clearly not interested in wanting to change. He is not listening to you and will continue not to listen. Abusive controlling men like he think they are doing no wrong at all; what sort of role model do you think this man will be to his son?. He frankly cares not a jot for the two of you.

It is scarey being on your own but at least you won't be walking on eggshells any more if he is not in your day to day life. You can leave and you will somehow manage.

You're not living at the moment; only existing. This is no life for you and your son.

Buda Fri 12-Sep-08 09:40:51

Your DS is young enough that he will not be badly affected if you leave now. The longer you leave it the harder it will be for him and the more shit he will have witnessed.

Find out what benefits you would be entitled to. You are in a good position as you have a property. You could sell it and buy something cheaper. You could rent. You have options. Staying with someone who treats you so badly shouldn't be one f them.

nikki7984 Fri 12-Sep-08 09:42:01

thanks again everyone, i just am not sure if his work related stress is why this behaviour is occurring at the moment i know its tough in the city at the moment which is probably just an exucse i sit here using for him.. i feel like such a fake i sit here pretending to everyone all is ok when really its a sham , i do love him but its like jekyl and hyde i love the nice him that i first met not the man he becomes after a bad day... I feel torn i want to work this out but i cant do that without his co operation and i feel powerless..

expatinscotland Fri 12-Sep-08 09:44:42

you are an abused partner. do you realise that? because it comes across in every one of your posts.

all of them. you make excuses for his behaviour. you even blame yourself at times.

get this right now: THERE IS NOTHING TO 'WORK OUT' HERE, with the exception of your leaving this person.

see Women's Aid and get some counselling asap.

please don't wind up like my SIL. she can't bring herself to make a true split from her physically and verbally abusive (it started with just the verbal abuse) partner and now she's as good as lost her kids.

limecrush Fri 12-Sep-08 09:48:22

think it is probably time to accept that if he ever was your Dr. Jekyll nice guy he certainly isn't now.

We all get stressed and do not become vilely abusive. He has no excuses.

<apols for nosiness but expat how on earth did SIL lose her kids to abusive partner?? sounds hideous>

Lizzylou Fri 12-Sep-08 09:50:25

Nikki, get out.
I echo all other posts that say that a broken home is better than your son growing up thinking that men behave in this way, they don't.
Stop making excuses for him and start looking after yourself and your son.
If it's soo tough in the city, why the f**k is he spending money every week "entertaining" his clients watching strippers?

expatinscotland Fri 12-Sep-08 09:52:05

she left him but left her kids there because he threatened to kill her if she took them.

of course, he then went and changed all the benefits to his name. she lost her income support and tax credits and child benefit, can't get housed to save herself because technically, she's single and not a lone parent (the tenancy is in his name). she works 20 hours/week but doesn't make a lot of money. she gets up at 5AM to go over there and get the kids ready for school and clean because he won't do it.

he beat her up in front of the kids and she didn't call hte police or prosecute or go to Women's Aid.

her older son, age 11, tried to intervene. now he's afraid to go home, so he hangs round the street with gang members.

so that's how she's lost her kids.

the elder one is already smoking and heading for gangs and drug use.

limecrush Fri 12-Sep-08 09:54:22

expat shock
that is one of the most terrible stories I've ever heard.

Nikki- who can you go to? You must have someone who will help. But I think first you have to try to get out of the mindset of 'I still love him, he will change', because he honestly won't.

MoChan Fri 12-Sep-08 09:55:24

I'm not sure it nmatters whether it's stress related or not. Plenty of people suffer from stress without becoming controlling and abusive. Leave. Staying with him will only have a negative effect on you and your child. It will seem daunting, but you can do it; if you don't, you'll regret it - down the line you'll end up asking yourself why you stayed so long.

purpleduck Fri 12-Sep-08 09:55:33

6 months and you are back to your pre baby weight!!!shock

Well Done!!!

Its been 6 years, and I am still not there grin

I agree with what everyone else said -
sounds like he has been chipping away at your confidence for a long time.

Would you rather your child grow up in a happy or an unhappy home?

A happy home is NOT a broken home

Good luck!!

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