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How would you react to a violent past?

(64 Posts)
HarryPottersGlasses Thu 11-Sep-08 16:20:34

I have been with my partner for around a year. We have had no major rows and he recently proposed to me, I accepted. We have since been on holiday together.

On night on the holiday we had a lot to drink and were talking in bed and he told me he beat up his ex wife. More than once.

He told me he wanted to be honest with me and that he would never do that again and was totally ashamed of it but apparantly, that's why she left him.

I asked him about it the next day when we were both sober and he said it was all true but I shouldn't let it worry me because he wouldn't do it now.

I don't know how to react or what to think, we've been together a year and he's never shown any signs of aggression or violence.

supercollider Thu 11-Sep-08 16:22:57

I'd be extremely wary.

Have you asked him how he can be so sure that he won't do it again? Has he attended any courses to address his behaviour, or had any therapy? If not, I'd be very worried that sooner or later he would do it again.

TheFallenMadonna Thu 11-Sep-08 16:24:09

I owuld also be very worried. And would want to know how he had addressed his problems.

thornrose Thu 11-Sep-08 16:24:45

I agree with supercollider, I'd want to know why he is so sure it won't happen again. I'd also want a conversation about what were the triggers and were alcohol/drugs involved.

Blu Thu 11-Sep-08 16:31:59

And be on super alert for 'I wouldn't do it to you, you're differnt, you wouldn't wind me up' etc.

It has to be him that is different - not the victim.

I would encourage him to be open about it, though, and discuss about what in him made it possible fo him to do that.

Soapbox Thu 11-Sep-08 16:35:29

I would run for the hills.

I would not be prepared to expose my family to even the slightest risk that a new partner might be violent. And I fear that what you are looking at here is far beyond a slight risk.

QuintessentialShadow Thu 11-Sep-08 16:37:23

You have to ask him WHY he wont beat you up.

If he says "Because I love you so much and you are the light of my life" RUN FOR THE HILLS!

If you dont, it goes with the territory that he has warned you, you are not scared, so you are accepting that one day, when the first romance fade, and you piss him off, there is you banged against the wall bruised and scared. Because this is what this man is like, and the problem is with the woman and not him.

If he says "Because I have gone to extensive anger management, and now realize why I was behaving like a prat, and done what I can to change it" then you may have a future, but I would still be a little cautious.

Also ask him why he beat up his ex wife.
If he says because she was a nasty cow, you know you also have to run for the hills, as he blames her and has not learnt anything about himself and have not changed.

Anna8888 Thu 11-Sep-08 16:37:44

Crikey. This rings alarm bells.

In your position I would ask him whether you could see a psychologist together, to discuss this.

If he refuses, run like a shot.

Aimsmum Thu 11-Sep-08 16:37:47

Message withdrawn

ilovetochat Thu 11-Sep-08 16:38:22

if his ex wife left him because of violence, then he obviously wasn't violent at the start of their relationship either iyswim, run run run

QuintessentialShadow Thu 11-Sep-08 16:38:49

Personally I would run for the hills either way because I wouldnt risk it.

JuneBugJen Thu 11-Sep-08 16:39:21

Only if he has had an enormous amount of couselling. Has he?
Agree with Anna. This should be done together. If he disagrees then there is your answer.

Have you children?

solo Thu 11-Sep-08 16:41:51

Is there any way you could contact his exw? she might be able to tell you things he won't. Having been with a violent exh, I wouldn't want to do it again personally.

Fllllight Thu 11-Sep-08 16:44:50


He's warning you, prepping you, you know that don't you sad

the fact he has told you this means that if you now don't run fast, he'll take it as you accepting it.

So in his mind, the fact you are still there after he told you, means you're ok with it and will expect to be subjected to it at some point in the future when you do something that his ex wife did.

Leave him NOW, please, I can't bear it when I see these threads. He told you only after a YEAR and expects that to be Ok?

well he really thought about that didn't he. Get you right in and then drop that on you once you've already agreed to marry him and will find it hardest to leave. What a git tbh.

MrsSnorty Thu 11-Sep-08 16:45:12

Be very, very careful.
I would ask him if he has done anything to address this behaviour (eg a course or counselling). At any suggestion from him that it was his ex wife's 'fault' I would run for the hills, very farking fast, as that would suggest to me that he's still not accepting responsibility for what he did
Please be aware that men often begin to be violent when their DP is pregnant - that's what happened to me -and it's a totally shite situation to find yourself in.
I'm glad he told you though.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Thu 11-Sep-08 16:46:33

what solo said.

i'd be gone like a shot.

MrsSnorty Thu 11-Sep-08 16:46:51

Actually think Fllight is right - get out now, it's not worth the risk.

kama Thu 11-Sep-08 16:47:39

Message withdrawn

MrsSnorty Thu 11-Sep-08 16:48:36

Should add that I eventually found out that my XP had a history of being violent to all of his XPs. Seemed like a really nice bloke...

kama Thu 11-Sep-08 16:48:52

Message withdrawn

Fllllight Thu 11-Sep-08 16:51:22

If he had been through counselling, changed, resolved that part of himself he would almost certainly have told you very soon into the relationship, before any sort of proper commitment was made. He would have been absolutely upfront, and told you what he had done to resolve it. He'd have had the respect to give you the choice.

He didn't do any of this. He waited till you were already committed to him and then let it slip.
He hasn;t given a lot of detail by the sound of it either.

He sounds both in denial and as though he has no self awareness whatsoever. Also manipulative and rather dishonest.

There's no way someone with those credentials would be coming anywhere near me or my children but I undersatand how bloody hard it must be to face this now.

I am so sorry. But it is not too late. He is not your problem. Don;t make him your/your children's problem.

domesticslattern Thu 11-Sep-08 16:52:01

A year is not long to know someone before you get engaged. I'd be very very wary.

thebecster Thu 11-Sep-08 16:54:18

Since you're on MN assume you have kids already? If so, they must never ever see or hear their mother being abused, so you can't take this risk imo. If you were only risking yourself I'd advise you that you probably shouldn't. But with kids - no way, no how.

JuneBugJen Thu 11-Sep-08 16:54:31

Its not enough for him to sweep it under the carpet in the cold light of day. You need to ask him, and yourself some serious questions before you allow yourself to get any more attached.

SpandexIsMyEnemy Thu 11-Sep-08 16:56:48

just saw you have 3 kids - 2 boys and a girl??

please your other thread about your DD being timid & shy - please don't marry this man - if he 'turns', she's already timid and shy....

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