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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please help

(64 Posts)
Daisypops Thu 11-Sep-08 13:46:18

Me and DP have been together nearly 4 years, last night I found out hes been seeing someone else. I threw him out and am today battling my way thru work.

I feel horrendous. I keep having to leave my desk to go cry.

Someone please give me some words of wisdom. I'm tormented by wondering who she is, where they met, if she knows about me and our DD etc. I have so many things going on in my head I'm dizzy.

He left by saying I'm mental and a mad woman. He didn't try to explain or show any remorse he just went?

I've had my suspicions as hes been very distant with me and said some nasty things but I have stuck at it and asked him if we could work it out.

Sorry if this post is a bit scatty having to type it without my boss seeing and inbetween doing work.

priceyp Thu 11-Sep-08 13:56:00

Daisy, please go and see your boss and tell them you've had some bad news then go home. You're going through a grieving process. The end of any relationship is hard and sometimes being at work on the verge of tears is not the most helpful to your state of mind. I can't offer much advice. If you went home gave your DD a cuddle and just got some rest you'll be able to think rationally about what to do next. sad chin up!

humanbean Thu 11-Sep-08 14:17:22

I agree with priceyp. See if you can go home and have a good cry/rant in the mirror if that is what you feel like doing. Of course you are not mental or a mad woman. You post very rationally. If you have had your suspicions then it's the easiest thing in the world to become paranoid and for him to then blame you for being bonkers.

Go home, get yourself signed off if possible for a few days. Your DD needs you and you must try to stop torturing yourself about other woman. It might be a man! Or a donkey? Keep asking for help on here...

Daisypops Thu 11-Sep-08 14:58:12

If you've experienced this please tell me how you got through it. I'm going through so many emotions. I feel sick and dizzy and I didn't sleep last night. I feel like I'm just battling through. How am I going to cope with telling family and friends? What do I tell DD when shes older? I'm dreading him wanting to see our DD especially when he gets another partner.
I cant live a life of torment, wondering where he is, who hes with etc that kind of life isn't for me so I kind of know its for the best but its so hard.

Hobnobfanatic Thu 11-Sep-08 15:16:45

I've been through it. After a decade together, with our LO 8 months old, I found out he'd been seeing a mutual friend since I was eight months' pregnant - and within a week of discovering the affair, I found out that the mistress was pregnant too. It was the worst, worst time of my life and I don't know how I got through it. But I did.
Just think about getting through every day. At breakfast time, I focussed on just getting through to lunchtime. Then to teatime and LO's bedtime.

It took a long long time. But, five years on, I'm over it. I'm happy with someone else, whom my LO adores, and, despite everything, can be civil to the ex for my LO's sake.
Hang on in there. No matter what he says, you don't deserve this. Saying you are mad or inattentive or whatever other crap men when caught out - it's all rubbish. If there were problems, he should have sorted them out - not had an affair.

It's very early days. Just take it slowly, don't make any rash decisions, and give yourself time and space. You might be able to work it out, or you might decide to cut and run. Don't rush anything - and be kind to yourself! Try to rest and don't beat yourself up with those horrible questions about the other woman etc. It can literally drive you mad.

Hang on in there.
Big hug
x

fransmom Thu 11-Sep-08 15:22:04

((((((((((())))))))))))
sweetheart, it is early days yet, i do agree that you should ask your boss for a quiet word, then give him/her the bare bones of it and just take things from there.
i found out that x had been seeing someone but decided to try again after a long period of gettin on as friends. but i could never completely trust him again.

hobnob is right, give yourself time to think rationally about what you want to do. but stand up to him because otherwise he might take you for a doormat and that will never do sweetheart.

you will be fine
xxxxx

beanieb Thu 11-Sep-08 15:37:26

So sorry to hear this has happened to you. I can't share direct experience but I can tell you it will get better and you will be fine. Take some time off work if you can and remain strong

Alexa808 Thu 11-Sep-08 16:22:46

Daisy, I'm so sorry to read what you are going through. If you get the chance, please try to go into the weekend early. Say you are feeling unwell. Bad news is a good way to describe it. I'm sure your boss will understand.

I was going through the same pain a few years earlier and I tried to keep up a front and sit at my desk but the slightest kind word or look would get the tears streaming and I looked like the miserable figure that I was and my boss decided to send me home to recover.

Grieving is hard and the tears and sorrow that comes now will stay for a while. Once the anger starts coming (and believe me it will), then you're halfway through.

Could you phone up a friend to spend the WE with you? Or at least tonight or tomorrow evening? Don't be on your own, hun.

One step at a time. Maybe call your Mum and tell her. Or a sis. Let yourself be taken care of and try to rest. You'll get better, don't worry about tomorrow or what you tell your DD. You could always say Daddy works away for the time being. Get some support in RL around you!

Anifrangapani Thu 11-Sep-08 19:54:01

Daisy there are a few of us about going through similar.

I agree with the peeps up there ^^ take time off work, get a good friend around who is not going to tell all your other friends, and bawl your eyes out. You are going to go through the stages of grief... the sense of loss and anger are really normal.

When you are ready, make decisions for you. Don't let other peope tell you what to do. I decided that I was going to stay with my husband so chose not to tell very many people so that now there is none of the social awkwardness that there would have been, I am not saying it is right, but it is what I chose to do and it means that I know that I am not being gossiped about behind my back. It also means that my parents do not know, because that would make dh and their relationship strained and awkward... I was not and stillam not ready to deal with that.

The difficult thing is letting go of the anger and suspision (sp?). There are days that I feel fine and others like yesterday that I was ready to tell him to pack his bags. It takes time and the good days are now outweighing the bad. Although I still have regular revenge fantasies about the OW.

Go and pamper yourself... I went and got a new hair cut, lost weight ( well it dropped off because of the hole I was in), got new clothes and started feeling good about me despite his behaviour. I do a lot of work on building sites and it is good to get a wolf whistle. He now appreciates what he nearly lost/let go.

Keep your communication channels open. You may not want to ( I certainly didn't in the beginning), and you may not want to be together anymore, but it is important to as you have a DC. I would recommend speaking with his parents if you have a good relationship with them, just to let them know that they are still your DC's grandparents..... nothing like having them on side if nothing else.

Good luck. For other peoples views on it look on the Glam and Fab thread, they have helped me enormously.

MrsTucky Fri 12-Sep-08 01:05:19

I'm sorry for the situation you are in...I really feel for you.
My hubby and I are going through dodgy steps at the moment and when I read your post my heart went out to you.
I can't advise you sweetness, but although I've not been about this site for a while, I do know that there is support and advise here waiting for those who need it.
I was wanting to come and post about my own marital problems but once I'd read your post, I couldn't.
God I wish I could DO something to help you, or ease your pain, I really do. But if nothing else, I CAN offer a shoulder, an ear, or anything else, you need to talk to.
It does help to talk. And I always find,it helps to talk to someone who sympathises/understands you.
Keep strong, and keep talking. You will find someone who can help you, or be there for you.
xx

priceyp Fri 12-Sep-08 07:58:01

Daisy how are you doing today? Keep posting and we'll try to support you smile x

Daisypops Fri 12-Sep-08 11:44:43

Thanks for all your posts. I'm up and down, don't feel too bad today, slept well too. I've got today off work, thank goodness (booked it off last week). I'm sat at home resting with DD. DP came round this morning and got some of his clothes. He said he wasn't 'seeing her' one of his colleagues gave her his number and shes 'stalking' him!!! He said shes not contacting him anymore. I don't believe ANY of his story, he must think I'm stupid. Everytime he goes to work I will just worry that hes seeing her and if not her, someone else. He obviously cant even be trusted day to day at work. I just keep thinking about how tormented I would be everytime he went to work, was home late or was on a works do. I don't think I could cope with that.
He has said he still loves me but we need time apart (that old chestnut!) to see how we feel. xxx

ruthosaurus Fri 12-Sep-08 11:56:05

Change the locks, hon. Big, big hugs. You need to take the ball out of his court - at the moment he's dictating terms. Tell him you'll see him again when you feel you want to, not when he's decided he's had enough time.

I think you're right about his story being stupid as you said in your original post that you could tell that something had been wrong for a while, and that he'd been being mean to you.

Seriously, don't let him do this to you - you decide terms and let him back if and when you want to, not when he decides to come back. If you get back together, make it a positive decision for all the right reasons, not because he's changed his mind and has decided to come back.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I (like MrsTucky) am having a bit of home trouble and originally came on to post, but you need the hugs more.

I had this sort of thing with my ex years ago and all I can remember is it took time and lots of talking and we didn't get back together again but we did manage to become friends again. But it was hard work. Keep talking to MN, girlfriends and mum/sis if poss, cry, get pissed, chocolate, haircuts, whatever works. You are strong and can do it and you'll be a good role model for DD as well.

Good luck, love. Hugs.

Daisypops Fri 12-Sep-08 12:13:16

Forgot to say I've told my mum whos been very supportive, told 2 of my close work colleagues but thats it. I wish it could work between us but how can it when I'm going to be paranoid all the time.

ruthosaurus Fri 12-Sep-08 12:26:38

I don't think you sound paranoid - that's putting the blame on you and buying into the stuff he's been saying about you being mental - I think it sounds like you're having trouble with the idea of trusting him again. Sounds normal to me: it's been, what, 2 days since you found out? And it doesn't exactly sound like he's been making much of an effort to regain your trust. He cheated - you need time to decide whether you can forgive him, what terms your relationship would be on if you did and how you want things to be in the future. Get some space and time on it? Also, what are you doing this weekend? Can you meet up with a mate or something? When I went through this with my ex, it was really helpful to spend a bit of time with close friends just after it happened.

Hobnobfanatic Fri 12-Sep-08 18:53:46

If you do decide to stick together (and it's too early to make big decisions like that), then couples counselling with Relate will help you through teh trust issues and how you can both work through them. He has to earn your trust all over again.

Don't worry about future problem; just live for today for the time being.

twoluvlykids Fri 12-Sep-08 19:04:00

Good luck Daisypops - the ball is in your court now,it's your choice & decision what to do.I'm not making excuses for your dh, but by rejecting you,he may well be rejecting himself,and trying to make you hate him.

This is what happened with my dh - the affair was the culmination of lots of problems we had, I have to say bought on by his addictive personality.(Not drugs/booze.)

I threw him out,the kids & I all cried for weeks, he saw them every week, he got ill, I got thin (looked lovely), we decided to work out the problems, coz I do love him,he always loved me, and he makes me laugh.

Take time now to think about what you want.

I only have to look at my kids to know I made right decision, but still,in the back if my mind,is "what if.."

Sorry for long post. You will get through it somehow.

Daisypops Fri 12-Sep-08 19:39:38

I feel dreaful tonight. How I feel changes every 10 seconds. I adore my DD but I feel lonely. Its weird though because I'm enjoying the peace and sometimes I feel relieved. I feel sick, I'm hungry all the time but I don't feel like eating much, is that normal?! I keep thinking of things like been unable to watch the video of when our DD was born becuase hes on it and when we met etc. I haven't got any plans for tomorrow, I might ask my friend if we can go over to hers. On sunday me and my mum and DD ofcourse are going to the seaside, but I don't want to spoil it by been miserable. I put on a front but inside I'm so empty and numb.

On a different point we wanted another baby so I'm also trying to deal with the fact that I might not have another one, its hurts me as I am desperate for another one.

Whilst we're apart from eachother I'm thinking hes probably out with her.

I really don't understand, why do they do it? We had our ups and downs but I thought we'd be together forever.

Thanks to everyone whos posting I really do appreciate your support. I haven't told many people so to know you are here is a great comfort. xxx

twoluvlykids Fri 12-Sep-08 19:44:50

Don't make pictures in your head of things you can't see,it's not at all helpful.It's normal to feel sick & unable to eat,try a slice of toast & lots of sweet tea - you've had a shock. They do it, because men are cock-driven. They think with their trousers. They do things then think afterwards.
I found Sundays the worst- try to get out & visit people if you can.
Chin-up. I'm living proof things can get better.

Daisypops Fri 12-Sep-08 19:50:26

I will never trust another man again, this is my 2nd relationship and both have cheated on me. Its just shit.

twoluvlykids Fri 12-Sep-08 19:58:19

Is there anyone in RL you can have round to chat with,after dd gone to bed?You sound really unhappy sad

jenk1 Fri 12-Sep-08 20:15:38

Daisypops sad ive just split with DH,this is the 3rd time,and ive given him chance after chance,ther is no trust between us.

last time he brought his slapper round to my house to drop off the kids,she was sat in MY seat in the car,i found out that she had made DS cry so i threatened her (not proud of that but if someone hurts your kids.....) i gave him another chance but then discovered that hes been on dating sites and trying to contact an old girlfriend and this time theres no going back.

I cried for days a few weeks ago when i discovered wot he,d been up to,how could he put me and the children thru this? i can only explain it by what i said to him,and thats "your brain seems to keep sliding down into your pants and you lose all sense of reality" and i truly beleive this is the case.

i feel so stronger now,hes finally moving out tomorrow,i know i will be sad because he has just not made the effort,me and the kids arent enough for him,he seems to need more.

things that have helped me are,talking to my girlfriends,sisters,keeping busy,ive started college this week as i dont work.

i know there are hard times ahead,its had a profound effect on DS who has Asperger Syndrome and who was in floods of tears at his special school,but they have been brill and have been counselling him,but i KNOW ill get thru it,there are a few on here going thru a marriage breakup with different threads, i havent started one for me yet cos didnt feel up to it but i will tomoz,im going to join the glam and fab thread as well,really feel for you,i know what its like the wrenching in your stomach when you realise what theyve done,but you can and will get through it.

keep posting we are all here for you. smile

jen
xx

Daisypops Fri 12-Sep-08 20:30:40

Jenk, I'm sorry your going thru the same as me, its helps to hear from people who are going thru it though, it sounds like you are coming out of the other side and are moving on.

I have friends I could call up, they'd happily come round but they can only tell me, that hes a dick head and to leave him or give him another chance. That doesn't take the pain away and the affect its having on me. (I'm having diarhoea blush I suffer from IBS so this has triggered it.)

I'm very glum, but I'm alive and I have my beautiful DD.

Hobnobfanatic Fri 12-Sep-08 20:36:17

My DD was what kept me sane. Everyone said, "How terrible that this has happened - especially with a new baby" but it was my DD that kept me going. She gave me perspective that, no matter how much the ex hurt me, I had to stay strong. And a child's hugs make you realise your priorities.

Chin up - stay strong!

Daisypops Fri 12-Sep-08 21:23:12

Im trying to be strong for DD, but every now and then I have to cry and she sometimes sees me. Tonight is very hard, I think its because its friday night and I'm assuming hes out with her. I think I'll have a sleepless night tonight.

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