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I am obsessing about how much I can't stand my MIL!!!

(15 Posts)
bantheMIL Thu 11-Sep-08 08:40:57

I had a fall out with my MIL years ago when she started to hound my every breath and movement after I had DD1. It got a little better and then, after the births of my two other children, it happened again.

We have a mere tolerance of each other now....she would like to see more of me (because she loves playing at happy families) and I don't need to see her at all. She is selfish and self-obsessed, she has been telling us on a weekly basis for the last eleven years that my FIL is on the verge of death (he has a couple of serious conditions but he copes very well). Sometimes my DP has come home in tears because she has upset him so much saying how near death FIL is. She adores the drama of illness and death and loves to be fussed over.

So, I struggle to be around her and my DP takes the kids to visit once a week and I stay at home and stick rusty pins in my eyes grin It seems to work.

My FIL has just had a big birthday and MIL wants us all to go out to lunch on Saturday and then to her house. Then she wants us to do it all again in 2 weeks time with my family included as well.

I find this really, really hard. I will go and I will do it for my DP. But I find it really, really hard. I have been thinking about it all week and it has put me in a hideous mood all week. I can't abide being in the same town as her let alone spending time with her. To add another dimension to it all she and my FIL have always had an up and down relationship..........and I get on with HIM very well.

I am not sure how I can stop obsessing about how much I can't stand her. And I'm not sure how I get through the day with 3 young children who will not behave for that long and who will be whipped up into a frenzy by BIL/SILs etc. I try to keep some order over the kids but she/they all chip in with their pennies worth and make everything worse.

I can't get my head around this. I want to feel free of it. I have been Mrs Touchy all week, flying off the handle because its coming up. I want to scream.

Sorry its long sad
Thanks for reading grin
I had to name change in case DP saw.

LilRedWG Thu 11-Sep-08 08:46:27

Poor you. Maybe try and turn it around in your head, so that you are spending the day with your FIL.

bantheMIL Thu 11-Sep-08 08:47:41

good point

whomovedmychocolate Thu 11-Sep-08 08:50:11

I use the following mantra: 'she's old, eventually she'll die. I am teaching my kids patience and compassion towards mankind however horrid'. hmm

I do feel for you. If it helps, if you can accept that she hates you and that whatever you do will be wrong, you can relax a bit more, if you are doomed, you may as well have a glass of wine and some cake and just ignore everything.

Personally I'd take a book and insist she looks after the kids as 'you so rarely get time alone with the little darlings'. Seriously this works. Once she sees that you are doing marvellously in spite of circumstances you may get a grudging respect.

Or she may just be a cow, either way, you get a bit of a rest while she runs round complaining about you.

LilRedWG Thu 11-Sep-08 08:50:32

I'm lucky and get on well with my MIL, but do tend to obsess about people I don't get on with. Focus on the good of the day - let the kids have fun with their aunts and uncles, have a good chat/drink with your FIL and then go home and cuddle your husband.

TBH, as much as I love my family, it is always nice to get home from big get togethers to it being just the three of us.

bantheMIL Thu 11-Sep-08 08:56:37

thanks girls, sharing always helps.

I think I also feel a bit guilty bcause outwardly I find it hard to pretend. Whilst I know she doesn't like me, she pretends very, very well. She acts very meek and mild and like butter would not melt. She likes to be seen as a victim. When we had our second falling out she said some fairly nasty things to me but it was in private when no-one else heard her. I am the kind of person that can't forgive once something very nasty has happened. you can see quite apparently.....I am OBSESSING!!!!! grin

Thank you, I will try to suck in everything you have suggested and try to overcome.

whomovedmychocolate Thu 11-Sep-08 09:00:24

Make it a game, pretend to be Bree Van Der Camp - seriously, wear a twinset and take her flowers, it'll totally fox her.

Or pretend extreme concern for her well being. Always good for a laugh, they end up yelling that they are 'FINE!' and once they've lost their rag they normally stop being so supercillious.

rubyloopy Thu 11-Sep-08 09:14:20

Message withdrawn

smallwhitecat Thu 11-Sep-08 09:16:44

Message withdrawn

LilRedWG Thu 11-Sep-08 09:17:11

Oooo - that's a good idea. Be World's loveliest, suckiestupist (my new word ) DIL for the day! She'll hate it. LOL

zipzap Thu 11-Sep-08 18:08:56

And if there is any chance that you are likely to be alone with her at any point, invest in a small tape recorder (OK showing my age there - something that will record anyway grin) that you leave in your pocket and the moment that she starts being nasty to you - hit the record button.

You then make sure that you are as nice as pie while she is being horrid, you have it all recorded, and then you can have a show down session when your DH is around. Ask her why she said <insert horrible thing here>, she will deny it and then you can play her back saying it to you. And then see her face fall.

OK so it is probably one more for the dreaming of revenge than actually doing but would be nice to imagine MIL face when she gets caught out.

I have found that by treating it as a game it can be easier to deal with - think of it as MIL Bingo - think of all the little nasty things she will say, all the digs she might make and for each one that she actually does say, think that you will treat yourself to a nice chocolate / glass of wine / spa day / new outfit / etc - more 'points' you rack up, the nicer the treat that you get afterwards. That way you almost want her to be nasty but it is under your control if you see what I mean. And if she is nasty again, think it all through in advance, rehearse mentally and have some good retorts and responses ready, so that you know you can say them as you want to - you'll know if tears /strops are effective or not grin.

And don't forget to pull out a notebook and write down what she says - just say sorry, could you repeat that, I want to make sure that I am completely sure what you think because you obviously think there is something wrong with me and so I need to discuss this with DH to see if he agrees... Should stop her in her tracks and gives you the chance to focus on writing rather than taking everything personally.

Good luck, enjoy the obsessing and turn it to your advantage!

fancyflo Thu 11-Sep-08 22:08:24

LOL @ zip zap. I agree though, my mil is an old bat, im sure she tries, ......she's very trying..... but for someone her age ...she's 67....she really is so shallow and materialistic! I could go on but don't want to wind myself up at this time of night.

I find wine helps.wink

TheGreatScootini Thu 11-Sep-08 22:14:44

Are you married to my DH's brother?You have described my MIL to a tee..

Try splitting the time you are there into half hour blocks in your head(About a boy stylee).It will then seem shorter and more mentally 2 blocks, eating dinner (sit away from her to lessen exposure), 1 block tending to DC's (keep busy so dont have to talk to her), 1 block talking to FIL, (Pref about something MIL is not intersted in), 1 block talking to MIL (Half an hour is worth it for DP and do-able for you)

Works quite well as a coping strategy when you are going to have to do something you rather not..

misselizabethbennett Thu 11-Sep-08 22:16:11

Making a game of it is a brilliant idea.

Think of something really nice your DH has done for you, and treat this as repaying the favour.

And if it is a big birthday and your FIL has medical problems, then you're doing it for him too.

I sympathise though - not much love lost with my MIL. She cried on the phone to DH on Monday because I hadn't called her at the weekend while he was away. hmm

combustiblemelon Thu 11-Sep-08 22:59:21

Try this. I always find it cathartic. You might even read about MILs that make yours seem more reasonable by comparison!

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