My husband (of 6 years) with daughter of 2 years are about to divorce due to his unreasonable behaviour. He has admitted to taking coke while babysitting our daughter and has met women online for sex. We are on speaking terms for the sake of our child and are about to recieve our decree absolute. He has agreed (through my solicitor) that I should have custody of our child and that he should only see her during the day.
When I finally get my divorce how much access should I give him?
If his drug taking is confined to nighttimes then stsicking to daytimes for access is fine. And if he starts demanding more access and becoming unreasonable (unfortunately coke makes people quite selfish and irritable) then you can of course tell him that he's lucky to be getting access at all as the courts won't force a mother to permit a drug user unsupervised access unless the drug user gets help and submits to regular drug tests - which is a bit of a no-lose scenario for you.
Depends if he is a coke addict or a coke user. Lots of people use recreational drugs when out at parties in the same way that they might drink alcohol when socialising but not be addicted to it. Excessive prissiness about drug use is not conducive to an amicable separation.
Cocaine is far more addictive than alcohol. an occassional drinker is not the same as an occassional coke user. "Excessive prissiness" is not helpful because most coke users are in fact addicts. The same is not true for alcohol.
Most coke users are not addicts, it is not physically addictive. It is mentally addictive but it is not the same as opiates or crack. the majority of cocaine users use casually at weekends, which is why it is so widespread. It does of course depend on how 'into' the drug your ex is. If he is immersed in a drug culture then this does usually go along with other drugs and of course he would not be able to look after your daughter properly. If he is a casual user and he wants to see her on Saturdays he just has to stay in on a Friday night to have a clear head to mind her properly.
I would allow as much access as you are comfortable with.
His coke use is usually a recreational activity at parties and big nights out. He also smokes dope on a regular basis (at the time I filed for divorce this was every single day and regularly during the day at the weekend and infront of DD). Never in the house.
However, a couple of months ago (when we were separated but living together) I had a rare night out and left DH to babysit. On my return I found the remnants of a coke fueled 'get together' which when questioned he freely admitted to. I cannot believe he would be so irresponsible as to do this while DD was asleep upstairs. I was devastated and he didn't get it.
I had no idea I could limit him seeing his DD as much as you have suggested. He seems to think I can't stop him seeing her whenever he wants to. This worries me - what powers will I have over him?
Consult a family solicitor/Women's Aid or similar. You are the parent-with-custody and while you can't stop him seeing her entirely unless he is a violent crackhead who you have strong suspicions (and some sort of evidence) might be a danger to her, you can certainly get a legally enforced agreement that he can't just do whatever he wants. AFAIK the usual agreement for separated parents is along the lines of once a week and alternate weekends (though more can be agreed if both parents are OK with it).
Rebe...you don't have any powers as such. you are both equals,he's a parent too. i'm assuming he has PR,so in law,he's equal. you are still living together. this changes slightly when one of you move out,as dd then resdides with main carer. you become a resident parent,ex becomes the non resident parent. courts,from what i've read on other forums,don't see casual drug use as a problem regarding access. if he can show he's safe,then he could well get every other weekend,plus a midweek night given to him in a contact order through the courts. this is inevitable. even a parent who has committed dv and beaten up the other parent....people like that,they still get good access through court. should he start to be demanding,then you could try mediation to keep it out of court.