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Divorce: how much access do I give him?

(20 Posts)
Rebe Tue 09-Sep-08 22:46:09

My husband (of 6 years) with daughter of 2 years are about to divorce due to his unreasonable behaviour. He has admitted to taking coke while babysitting our daughter and has met women online for sex. We are on speaking terms for the sake of our child and are about to recieve our decree absolute. He has agreed (through my solicitor) that I should have custody of our child and that he should only see her during the day.

When I finally get my divorce how much access should I give him?

GypsyMoth Wed 10-Sep-08 00:26:46

depends on his availability...does he work?

will you be supervising? or is he taking her out? as se's so young i'd say little and often.

solidgoldbrass Wed 10-Sep-08 00:55:16

Are you worried about the coke or has he stopped doing that (or at least you can now trust him not to do it while looking after DD)? A couple of times a week would be reasonable IMO.

Rebe Wed 10-Sep-08 08:28:19

Thanks for your thoughts. :-)

He does work (9-5) and at the moment I rarely leave them alone but that's a strain in itself.

I am very concerned about the drug taking. It is still happening - although not every day.

I'm also concerned he'll fight me for more access even though he is being reasonable at the moment (but we're still living in the same house until we sell it so he's seeing he every day by default).

missingtheaction Wed 10-Sep-08 08:35:00

If you are going to supervise then it's really what suits you. May be better to have a regular event - eg he makes tea/does bedtime routine, you go to soft play together etc

however if you can trust him with her alone then for your sanity try to organise a regula slot that is of value to you so you get a bit of a break, eg saturday morning

BecauseImWorthIt Wed 10-Sep-08 08:47:33

I would also suggest that you try and find/give him times when he's much less likely to be doing drugs (if you have any idea when that is) - Saturday morning might be a really good idea.

solidgoldbrass Wed 10-Sep-08 09:13:41

If his drug taking is confined to nighttimes then stsicking to daytimes for access is fine. And if he starts demanding more access and becoming unreasonable (unfortunately coke makes people quite selfish and irritable) then you can of course tell him that he's lucky to be getting access at all as the courts won't force a mother to permit a drug user unsupervised access unless the drug user gets help and submits to regular drug tests - which is a bit of a no-lose scenario for you.

Rebe Wed 10-Sep-08 10:19:34

I think I could handle one morning on the weekend and maybe an evening!

It will always be hard to give her up for any amount of time but I will need to have a life too and maybe that would allow me to go to the gym and have some me time while he's not on the coke.

Thanks for your help X

AtheneNoctua Wed 10-Sep-08 12:20:25

I don't think I'd give a coke adict unsupervised care of a two year old, unless he presented me with routine clean urine test results.

solidgoldbrass Wed 10-Sep-08 12:34:47

Depends if he is a coke addict or a coke user. Lots of people use recreational drugs when out at parties in the same way that they might drink alcohol when socialising but not be addicted to it. Excessive prissiness about drug use is not conducive to an amicable separation.

AtheneNoctua Wed 10-Sep-08 13:38:07

Cocaine is far more addictive than alcohol. an occassional drinker is not the same as an occassional coke user. "Excessive prissiness" is not helpful because most coke users are in fact addicts. The same is not true for alcohol.

Carmenere Wed 10-Sep-08 13:46:05

Most coke users are not addicts, it is not physically addictive. It is mentally addictive but it is not the same as opiates or crack. the majority of cocaine users use casually at weekends, which is why it is so widespread. It does of course depend on how 'into' the drug your ex is. If he is immersed in a drug culture then this does usually go along with other drugs and of course he would not be able to look after your daughter properly. If he is a casual user and he wants to see her on Saturdays he just has to stay in on a Friday night to have a clear head to mind her properly.

I would allow as much access as you are comfortable with.

dittany Wed 10-Sep-08 13:47:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Carmenere Wed 10-Sep-08 13:49:17

That is true dittany, I would go mental if dp did that (not that he would being an ex-policemen).

beanieb Wed 10-Sep-08 14:01:20

Not all coke users are addicts but I agree, using coke while looking after a child would suggest there is a problem.

AtheneNoctua Wed 10-Sep-08 14:40:56

ok, perhaps "most" was too strong a word. But is is definitely far more addictive than alcohol and comparing an occassional cocke user to an occassional drinker is apples and oranges.

Rebe Thu 11-Sep-08 20:25:36

His coke use is usually a recreational activity at parties and big nights out. He also smokes dope on a regular basis (at the time I filed for divorce this was every single day and regularly during the day at the weekend and infront of DD). Never in the house.

However, a couple of months ago (when we were separated but living together) I had a rare night out and left DH to babysit. On my return I found the remnants of a coke fueled 'get together' which when questioned he freely admitted to. I cannot believe he would be so irresponsible as to do this while DD was asleep upstairs. I was devastated and he didn't get it.

I had no idea I could limit him seeing his DD as much as you have suggested. He seems to think I can't stop him seeing her whenever he wants to. This worries me - what powers will I have over him?

solidgoldbrass Thu 11-Sep-08 22:06:55

Consult a family solicitor/Women's Aid or similar. You are the parent-with-custody and while you can't stop him seeing her entirely unless he is a violent crackhead who you have strong suspicions (and some sort of evidence) might be a danger to her, you can certainly get a legally enforced agreement that he can't just do whatever he wants. AFAIK the usual agreement for separated parents is along the lines of once a week and alternate weekends (though more can be agreed if both parents are OK with it).

GypsyMoth Thu 11-Sep-08 22:10:46 don't have any powers as such. you are both equals,he's a parent too. i'm assuming he has PR,so in law,he's equal. you are still living together. this changes slightly when one of you move out,as dd then resdides with main carer. you become a resident parent,ex becomes the non resident parent. courts,from what i've read on other forums,don't see casual drug use as a problem regarding access. if he can show he's safe,then he could well get every other weekend,plus a midweek night given to him in a contact order through the courts.
this is inevitable. even a parent who has committed dv and beaten up the other parent....people like that,they still get good access through court.
should he start to be demanding,then you could try mediation to keep it out of court.

GypsyMoth Thu 11-Sep-08 22:12:10

posts crossed with solidgoldbrass!!! lol..

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