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I could do with some impartial views on this... I don't think (hope) either of us abu

(45 Posts)
Haylstones Tue 09-Sep-08 19:09:42

Dh wants to go on a mountain biking weekend from Friday to Sunday and wants me to 'let' him go. I have prior plans for all of us (several weeks) involving a friend's bbq and a dance event that dd is doing (both on Saturday). Added to this, I'm feeling really rough, ds's sleep is going to pot and I look forward to the weekend when I can get a bit of support around the house and with the children (dh's sleep is not affected).
I won't 'let' him go because he isn't a child, I'm not his mother and he therefore doesn't need permission. Similarly, I will not tell him he isn't 'allowed' to go. I've explained to him why I would like him not to go but made it clear that the decision is his and I will stick by this. Admittedly, I won't be overly happy if he does go but I am prepared to accept his decision and will do the events planned on my own.
I'm also annoyed because he never takes time off for us to do things together but is able to take a full day off for this weekend if needed but this is irrelevant!
I hope this comes across the way I intend it to; I'm not entirely sure what I hope to achieve by asking this but opinions would be appreciated!

Doodle2U Tue 09-Sep-08 19:13:44

I think you're trying to be as fair as possible. Why does he have to go this weekend? Can he not put off his thing until the weekend after?

If he goes, it'll cause friction. If he stays, he'll feel narked. It's a bit of a no win BUT you could always store it up for when you need a big stick to prod him with at a later date.

solidgoldbrass Tue 09-Sep-08 19:13:47

I think you have done all you can to be fair and reasonable, and if he does go (to be fair to him, if he really loves mountain biking and the friend hosting the BBQ is your friend rather than his and/or the people who have invited him on the mountain biking weekend are people he doesn't see as much of as he'd like, then it is not wicked of him to want to go) then ask him to take a day to look after DC so that you can go and do something family-free that you would enjoy, that is solely for your benefit. Because it does everyone good to have a certain amount of time to do things for him/herself alone: problems arise in families when one partner (usually the man) think that he's the only one entitled to free time.

Haylstones Tue 09-Sep-08 19:19:32

THanks.
He is part of a cycling club and doesn't really see them much and when I go back to work he won't be able to go ont heir weekly outings. This is a weekend in Wales that has been organised for months so there won't be another one any time soon. And yes, it is my friend's bbq but we do all see each other socially so no biggie imo...
Aargh, he is still asking me if it's OK and I keep saying it's up to him but I just know I'll end up mightily pissed off if he does sad
As for day to myself, that just never happens! Apart from anything else, I'm still bf ds so can never be away from him for more than a few hours but I also like doing family stuff when there's no school/work etc.

alarkaspree Tue 09-Sep-08 19:20:13

He wants to go, but doesn't want to feel guilty about it. So it would suit him better if you said 'yes, fine, have fun' or if you said no so he could make you feel guilty that he's not enjoying himself.

I don't know what the answer is though, you are entirely reasonable to say 'I'd prefer that you didn't go but it's up to you'.

Is there any way he could go just for the Sunday, or do it another weekend?

supercollider Tue 09-Sep-08 19:20:22

Agree sgb (except I'd also say that he's being a bit more unreasonable than you, in that he's asking at short notice and when you already have other things planned). If he does go, make sure that you get a weekend off doing something WITHOUT the children.

Why are you the only one dealing with your DS's sleep problems? Doesn't sound fair to me.

Haylstones Tue 09-Sep-08 19:35:03

I actually hoped somebody would come on and say iwas bu so it would be resolved!
Weekend can't be rearranged, either his or our plans.
Re the sleep problems, we have a deal of sorts whereby dh sleeps in the spare room and I can feed ds during the night (fully bf)then at the weekends dh gets up when ds wakes at 6 or 7 and I stay in bed until whenever. Admittedly, he has started taking the p*ss a bit with this but that's a separate issue, which I intend to resolve by moving ds into his own room and stopping hte night feeds wink

bamzooki Tue 09-Sep-08 19:37:31

Why does he not want to see your DD in a dance event? How does she feel about him missing it?

supercollider Tue 09-Sep-08 19:44:18

Sorry to be harsh but it sounds as though you let him get away with a bit too much, to be honest! So now he's started to expect you to indulge his whims, and gets cross when you don't.

nowwearefour Tue 09-Sep-08 19:49:11

I had a v similar issue with my hubby re party conference and him being away 3 nights. In the end i just decided that he really really deserved some time just for him and now i think we are both looking forward to the benefits it will bring him. i have just stopped bf dd2 so i now have 2 saturdays planned to do girlie things so maybe you can store up some time away when you have stopped bfeeding? he would prob benefit and then you would too. but you are def being totally reasonable. it is hard. i just think we all need to get out and do our own thing from time to time it is always inconvenient for some reason. but it took me WEEKS to convince myself i really would be happy if dh decided to go.

Haylstones Tue 09-Sep-08 20:03:26

TBH, dance event is not really a big deal as dd is always doing displays and shows etc and we never miss any of them. She's only 4 so doesn't mind too much if he isn't there so thats's not really an issue. Obviously we'd all like him to be there but dd will probably disappear and play with her friends as soon as we get there!
To be fair, dh is fab most of the time and does LOADS for and with the dc and around the house and I don't begrudge him time away, just wish it wasn't this weekend. Still not sure what's happening as he's been holed away in the dining room for an hour doing work...I suspect he's getting it out the way so he can take Friday off with no problems if he's 'allowed' to sad
Thanks for all the responses, am still no clearer though!

Haylstones Tue 09-Sep-08 20:04:03

(ds is only 6 months so bfing will be continuing for quite some time!)

estuaryfairy Tue 09-Sep-08 20:11:19

Your plans have been in place for 'several weeks' and his outing has been planned 'for months' and when you go back to work he won't be able to go on weekly outings? It's a no-brainer, surely? Tell him to go and enjoy himself, and mean it. It's one weekend! All the others, your dh looks after your ds so you can get a lie in, give the poor man a break! YABU IMHO but then I don't have a partner and never get a lie in, so I'm envy!

Haylstones Tue 09-Sep-08 20:17:11

Weekend has been planned for months but he was only invited yesterday.
I lie in once or twice twice a week (until 9am at latest so not all morning) in exchange for being woken up 4 times every night and getting up at 6.30 every morning while the poor man is still in bed so I can assure you he is not hard done by.
If he does decide to go I admit I won't be too impressed but I will wave goodbye with a smile on my face and won't be holding it against him.
Thanks for the reponses

ANTagony Tue 09-Sep-08 20:21:39

Sounds like you're feeling tired and a bit pressured, not surprised with a 6 month baby. Is it that if he goes everything falls on you? Can you do anything to relieve the pressure on you. For example could your dd go to a sleepover at a friends/ family post dance comp leaving you and DS to go to the party - where you may be able to put him down in a quiet room for at least part of the time with a baby monitor and then having Sunday morning to yourself (with DS) sleep when he does and catch up a bit?

Good luck.

Haylstones Tue 09-Sep-08 20:27:41

Yes, sorry that turned into a bit of a rant. Am feeling a bit pressured I suppose, lots of stresses including a house disaster we had last week. Irrelevant but might explain why I am reacting so strongly to this! I always look forward to the weekends. Party is before the dance event so it won't be a late one and dd will be no problems at all.
If it was a different weekend I genuinely wouldn't have a problem with him going away.

estuaryfairy Tue 09-Sep-08 20:37:40

You're right to put on a smile and not hold it against him, everyone needs a bit of time out, and you've said yourself he's great with the DC's and around the house. You're very lucky and shouldn't begrudge him a weekend doing something that he loves away from the family. I do know how all-consuming bfing is, but your DH couldn't do it if he wanted to, could he, so wave him off with good grace and start planning your first post-bf weekend, while DH babysits grin

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 09-Sep-08 20:50:40

You should let him go with a good grace. A bbq with your friends is not a major thing to miss and if DD won't mind him missing the dance thing then I think you need to support him and store it up for when you can go off for a weekend by yourself!

Elf Tue 09-Sep-08 21:02:24

I think it is a bit passive (?) to ask him to decide but know that you don't want him to go.

I agree with Estuaryfairy about encouraging him to go with genuine hahppiness for him. However, perhaps if he acknowledged your feelings about being knackered, being disappointed about the weekend, taking the piss about the lie-ins etc then I bet yo7u would feel more inclined to feel good about him having a break. Also acknowledging that it will be a hard weekend for you if he goes. That kind of understanding helps so much I think.

Anifrangapani Tue 09-Sep-08 21:54:53

Another cycling widow grin

Mine gets really ratty if he doesn't go out cycling. I generally say "yeah whatever". It is one weekend in many. Plus you won't feel the need to do any housework, cook proper meals, get scowled at while watching some girly film on TV...... where did you say this bike ride was?

Haylstones Wed 10-Sep-08 10:38:38

Thanks all. I didn't get much sleep again last night so I'm not feeling overly rational but have taken all youtr views on board . He asked this morning if he was going or not so I still don't know- I suspect he will though!

LindenAvery Wed 10-Sep-08 10:59:52

I don't think it's fair of him to expect you to make the decision. He is an adult and as you say he should not be seeking permission, but be prepared to take responsibility for his actions.

You can explain how your weekend will be affected by him being away and you can understand his reasons for wanting to go. He has to take on board the emotional responsibility and to be honest some men are just not good at doing this.

You don't have to be happy with his decision if he decides to go but having some time back for yourself at some point (with him creating this space) could make it easier to balance things. Both of you need 'time out' as parents.

lljkk Wed 10-Sep-08 11:10:10

I often wish my Dh would go out for a day on his own with mates, a club, whatever, -- he would be much happier if did.

CatMandu Wed 10-Sep-08 11:11:45

I do think you are being a little unreasonable tbh. It's obviously something that he really wants to do and won't get another opportunity for a while. Ok you are having sleepless nights and I can see why you'd rather he didn't go, but sometimes it's better for your relationship to let your other half do his thing. There's no reason why you can't say that although the idea of him going doesn't fill you with joy you understand that it's important to him. Could he do something for you in return and then smile and send him on his way.

If he's still on about it today it's clearly important to him and you do have things to do at the weekend to fill your time.

WideWebWitch Wed 10-Sep-08 11:16:33

I think he shouldn't go but it shouldn't be that YOU have to be the big bad wolf, he should choose not to go because you have other things planned.

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