Advertisement

loader

Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why is it not good to sleep with a partner you are in the process of separating from?

(48 Posts)
WitchesSpell Tue 09-Sep-08 16:58:51

I know it isn't - but why? Can it really do that much harm? Say if you've got feelings for him, but he hasn't the ones for you but still fancies you?

Where's the harm is having sex?

Wouldn't it give some closure?

Would it do a lot of harm?

Would it give you one last chance to savour the moment before he goes off to pastures new?

Input please

MaryBS Tue 09-Sep-08 17:01:28

I did with my ex, the day before I moved out (he asked me to leave as I'd lost my job and couldn't contribute to the mortgage). It probably isn't for everyone, but I found in the end it gave me some closure.

Pinkchampagne Tue 09-Sep-08 17:03:52

I think it would totally mess your head up. I could never do it.

Mercy Tue 09-Sep-08 17:04:39

If my dh was leaving me I'd be too angry and/or upset to even think about sex.

And it would give him the wrong idea. Imo a (long-term) relationship should be based on far more than sexual attraction.

Those are my first thoughts anyway (and I've got no personal experience)

MamaChris Tue 09-Sep-08 17:05:06

because it weakens your resolve to separate

zippitippitoes Tue 09-Sep-08 17:05:15

well its up to you really, but it just prolongs things

i carried on seeing my exp after he moved out

i didnt move on obviously and have the grief properly until after i stopped seeing him so it was like being dumped twice really

but it was completely oput of the blue that i doiscovered he had signed up for his ownplace so it gave me a bit more time in a way

Cappuccino Tue 09-Sep-08 17:06:28

I would have thought, if you had feelings, and he didn't, it wouldn't be treating yourself with enough self respect for my taste

Interested in the answers to this.

Mercy yes I can see what you're saying with the too angry/upset thing but speaking from my own situation I can appreciate the temptation to have one last opportunity to touch him in a way you won't be "allowed" to in the future. It's not always rational or sensible. You can crave him through the sadness and rejection and the anger that has yet to come. Especially when in an ideal world you don't want to split up at all because you love him (as the OP suggests), but know you have to split. And when you know he would.. or wants to....

But yes I suppose it must be terrible self-depstructive and show a great lack of self-respect. But in these situations you don't have that anyway. You are already destroyed. Nothing to lose?

MrsMattie Tue 09-Sep-08 17:19:52

Bad, bad idea. Just prolonging the inevitable. Find someone new to sleep with!

What if you are far too still-in-love with the partner who doesn't want to be with you any more, to even conceive of sleeping with anyone else, ever??

zippitippitoes Tue 09-Sep-08 17:21:30

i agree it is degrading/humiliating but i did it anyway..i did hope he would come back..i actually spent more time with him after he left than before

Did your friends not want to throttle you for your own "stupidity" Zippi?

nooka Tue 09-Sep-08 17:23:09

When my husband moved out our sex life improved a lot. I felt bad about still having sex with him. But I thought that behaving in the way I wanted to was really important (having repressed my feelings a lot as our relationship deteriorated). Three years later we are back together going strong. However I think our circumstances may well be unusual!

zippitippitoes Tue 09-Sep-08 17:23:49

i didnt tell anyone...i didnt tell my children either it was a bit like having an affair in reverse shock

but i also offered to try and have his child too

FioFio Tue 09-Sep-08 17:23:56

Message withdrawn

Spellcheck Tue 09-Sep-08 17:24:52

If it's just sex you both want then I don't see what's wrong with it, as long as you understand that it probably won't rekindle any feelings, and you're prepared for him to walk away afterwards without your feeling used...

Mind you I'd love to do it with my DH, who says our marriage is over, for the same reason as Shiny says above - to touch him in that way just one more time, and have him close to me. But I'd cry afterwards and be heartbroken all over again.

zippitippitoes Tue 09-Sep-08 17:26:24

i felt so destroyed by the factg that he left i couldnt have felt any worse whatever happened to be honest

Pinkchampagne Tue 09-Sep-08 18:49:47

If he didn't want to be with me, yet allowed me to sleep with him, I would feel very used. I also think it would mess my head up to get that intimate with someone who didn't really want me anymore.

I could never have slept with my ex once separated, and we lived in the same house for nearly a year. I instigated the split though, so I guess it is different. Don't think I could ever sleep with an ex once they became an ex though - too messy!

Overmydeadbody Tue 09-Sep-08 18:55:57

It just delays the inevitable though doesn't it and means you take longer to get over each other.

I also think, it's going to do your self esteem no good if you still love him but he doesn't share those feelings.

It is prolonging the familiarity you have with the other person which you need to actually both get rid off in order to seperate fully.

Overmydeadbody Tue 09-Sep-08 18:56:55

It's pretty common though isn't it, break-up sex?

Pan Tue 09-Sep-08 19:06:18

Because you won't get much sleep and you will wake up tired. And they'll have probably stole your underwear. Probably.

ephrinedaily Tue 09-Sep-08 19:28:54

I did this after my previous relationship ended. It made me feel like I had no self-respect and made me hate my ex a little bit (for not taking me back immediately afterwards. Yes I was young and stupid). It was actually good in the end as once I'd hit rock bottom I could start to claw my way back up again. Also no what-ifs iykwim.

BalloonSlayer Tue 09-Sep-08 20:49:19

Blimey MaryBS!

What a tosser . . . the only closure I would have wanted would have been that of a pair of pliers around his scrotum.

TotalChaos Tue 09-Sep-08 20:51:28

because you may be doing it because you want the affection rather than the sex, so it's prolonging the inevitable pain. and also because it would not be a great time to get PG.

estuaryfairy Tue 09-Sep-08 21:09:54

'Say if you've got feelings for him, but he hasn't the ones for you but still fancies you?'

He wants a no-effort shag. He doesn't love you/want to be with you, it's just a shag to him, without the bother of chatting up/taking you out for dinner/pretending to be interested in your life first.

'Where's the harm is having sex?'

You will feel like shit. You will feel powerless, used and angry. And he still won't love you.

'Wouldn't it give some closure?'

No, because you don't want closure, you want him back. You are fooling yourself and you will feel much, much worse afterwards. No closure, just an open wound that continues to fester.

'Would it do a lot of harm?'
To him? No, it's just a shag. To you? Yes. To your dignity, your self-esteem, and your ability to start the recovery process. Lust isn't love. Lust won't turn into love. And while you allow this to happen, you will never clear space in your life to meet someone who will both fancy and love you and treat you with the respect you deserve.

'Would it give you one last chance to savour the moment before he goes off to pastures new?'
Oh shit, I'm not even going to answer that one! Look, I've been there and it hurts even more than the first time. Imagine ripping off a plaster, s-l-o-w-l-y, then going back and doing it all over again. And again. I swear to you, if you say no, you will feel so much better about yourself.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now