Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.


(40 Posts)
aibu2wantalittlefun Mon 08-Sep-08 16:44:56

obviously not my real name, for reasons that will become obvious.

I have been asked out, by someone I find incredibly attractive, who I have known for years, and I have said yes!

I dont feel bad??? I have a partner and 2 dc, my relationship has been abusive emotionally and physically for most of those years, he is aggresive, angry and a pig most days, I no longer give a monkeys, obviousliy.

But I am still in a relationship, so know this is not a good idea, but also know that my entire friends and family want me out of it.

My friend is married has no children and lives so far away i will probably not see him for another 10 years, and by this time next year my relationship will be over, of that I have no doubt, and I feel that If I dont see this man I will regret it for the rest of my life.

For him I cant speak, seems an ok relationship, there is no plans to have intimate relations, this will be drinks flirting and admiting yes there are feelings, no affair will take place he leaves very soon.

I know I am in the wrong but I think it will be ok, and to be honest I really want to see this man, and I wont see him again for years or ever, what do you think? I cant talk to my friends,Please feel free to say what you think, but also know this is not a regular occurence I have always been faithful and loving, I really think that my dp has just kicked every last drop of love out of me.

Lauriefairycake Mon 08-Sep-08 16:48:06

Totally understand for yourself why you would do it - leave your partner, sounds like you have had enough

but what about this guy's wife - is she also abusing him? If not then she doesn't deserve this guy.

And neither do you - you're about to flirt with someone who would willingly cheat on his wife.

You deserve so much more - you probably don't get that right now cos you've been fucked over by your partner, but you do smile

aibu2wantalittlefun Mon 08-Sep-08 17:14:34

I know, i am being selfish, all i know about his relationship is what he has told me, I know for myself that she can be hard on him, but only overt nagging general quizzing about things he says, nothing that would force anyone to do this, this is us both being selfish, Im not in denial about that.

My dp is an absolute git, I have had enough and in an ideal world would leave but life is just easier sometimes to stay put, I will eventually leave though, hopefully!

But I can not let this go though, this is him and its me, and I feel really strong about just seeing him, this could be the last time, and if it is, I need to just have that, to never see him again, I have to look at him just a bit longer! Oh so pathetic I know.

HappyWoman Mon 08-Sep-08 17:28:33

i can understand you wanting to meet him - but you are justifying it to yourself by saying how bad your relationship is (which i dont doubt btw)
But i would urge you to really consider his partner in this - it may only be as friends for you but it may not be for him - and yes i know that is his responsibility before you all shout me down.
But you are 'allowing' and even encouraging him to do this - you know that if you are the cause of his marriage breakup however inoccent you see it now you will be tarred as the wicked witch (yes unfair but you know the rules by now surely).

I would say dont do it - but i have to say i may well be tempted if i got the chance to meet a certain person from my pastblush.

aibu2wantalittlefun Mon 08-Sep-08 17:34:37

Oh shit, I feel sick, think this may be to much for me right now, not in my nature.

Just got an email that was very forward!!! Oh this is probably a big mistake, oh but I want to see him again, but I know his wife would be mortified, and the old adage about wont be just me will it? is it? could be bloody loads, shit feel very sick.

Oh very hard i want to breath him in so much, shit shit shit

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 08-Sep-08 17:35:31


Beither man is right for you and you're just going from one bad situation with your current partner to yet another. You're going to embark on a short lived emotional affair; that's cheating too. This other man is taking advantage of you and you do deserve so much better. However, you've been conditioned to accepting crap treatment so you'll take any crumbs of affection thrown your way.

What if your current partner finds out?.

Put your energies instead into boosting your own self worth and esteem along with getting out of the abusive relationship you're currently enmeshed in. You don't need to meet this other man to somehow validate you.

Look at your children; what are you and your current partner teaching them about relationships?. They are learning loads from you both. They have no choice or say in the matter, unlike yourself.

aibu2wantalittlefun Mon 08-Sep-08 17:55:27

i just emailed him and told him no, not going to happen, feel sad, i always think of him, but i have to do the right thing for everyone, good job he lives the other side of the earth, or i dont know how long i could hold out.

I hope i wont regret it, one last look would have been enough, a minute with him would have been wonderful.

kittywise Mon 08-Sep-08 18:01:01

I think you should definitely go and have a damn good time with this man.

Go on. GO!!!!!!!!!

aibu2wantalittlefun Mon 08-Sep-08 18:28:47

oh no dont say that! shit

anorak Mon 08-Sep-08 18:34:53

No you have done the right thing refusing to meet him. Don't doubt it. Doing the right thing can be difficult but it's so worth it to be able to respect yourself.

kittywise Mon 08-Sep-08 18:48:14

I think you should not listen to any moralising here.

I know you have come here to ask what others think but you must do what YOU want.
As you say your other half is a shit and your relationship is over. This 'fling' will not make any difference to that and from the sounds of it it will do you the world of good.

I personally think you would be crazy to pass this chance by just to be able to say that you have taken the moral high ground. In this situation that isn't an issue.

Go, it's a no brainer

aibu2wantalittlefun Mon 08-Sep-08 19:53:42

oh fuck hes not replied to my email, probably never hear from him again, feel absoutley shit.

thats it he'll be gone in 48 hrs and that will be it, no more gorgeous boy! My gawd he is absolutley my type, big, strong handsome and with beautiful eyes, I want him so badly I could literally fall down dead.

Probably a good thing, I would probably have fallen madly in love and have my heart broken.

Although I now know that my dp has to go, to think that I could have wonderful people in my life that dont shout and scream and pick you up and throw you across a room because I looked at him wrong.

Shit I hope he replies begging, or thinks I am better still for being impossible to get, lol!

Oh well he could turn up in years to come unmarriued and 100% available, then my god it will be a brave person that stands in my way.

Shit shit shit!!!

anyfucker Mon 08-Sep-08 19:58:45

if the email was very "forward" then he was probably thinking it was his lucky day and he could have a quick no-strings guaranteed shag

if that is what you want, then go for it

I am not being sarcastic, I just think that isn't what you want and you will ultimately feel cheapened if you go along with it

if he was unattached, I think could be different

kittywise Mon 08-Sep-08 20:34:30

tell him you've changed your mind

ActingNormal Mon 08-Sep-08 20:47:41

One last look would NOT be enough! The more you got the more you would want, and you would think you could stop at a certain point that was too far but once you got there you would NOT be able to stop. This will make you feel worse about yourself long term. I don't know how you find the self control and will power but if you can then your life will be better.

If you don't want to be with your DP (so much that you would risk having an affair) then you owe it to him to leave him to find someone who really wants him. It sounds like you would be better off without him anyway and that he is eroding your self esteem. You might think you could not find anyone better than the other man but you could. Find someone single or you will have too much guilt.

You don't need this other man to feel good about yourself and he won't anyway long term. For him it is likely to be just about wanting you for sex, not wanting you as a person. Stay in and read self help books on raising your self esteem instead!

aibu2wantalittlefun Mon 08-Sep-08 21:24:35

Kitty I know, wish I could believe me, Jesus its like being a kid again.

im sticking with no! going to bury my head in my duvet apeak and scream this all away.

I will miss my friend. I think he will probably feel hurt and not speak to me again.

Oh feck!

anorak Tue 09-Sep-08 00:49:38

Oh well kittywise, I hope this guy isn't YOUR husband...

Alexa808 Tue 09-Sep-08 02:50:51

what sort of a friend is this if he writes you 'forward' emails and is happy to (emotionally) cheat on the one closest to him. Not YOU, but his DW!

You'll miss what? An evening of cheap thrills and being used. hmm

I'd say: get out of the abusive relationship you're in and up your selfesteem. You clearly deserve better. Once you sort yourself out, you can date all the free men out there and have love and affection lavished onto you. For the sake of your kids, do this the right way.

slim22 Tue 09-Sep-08 03:01:19

hijack blush sorry,

Alexa trying to call you just now. switch on your phone!

Alexa808 Tue 09-Sep-08 03:55:18

ah, sorry. I cannot find my phone. I'm so dim, I've misplaced it sad

Let me search and I'll ring you. [Waddles off to search house]

HappyWoman Tue 09-Sep-08 07:38:40

why not ask his wife if you can go?

If it is just one last look what is the harm??????????

You wont do that because you have no respec for his wife at all.

But who knows she may well be pleased to have the excuse to get rid of him too - as would you from your dp.

It is the secrecy and lies that do the damage not the just seeing him and having a catch up.

Northumberlandlass Tue 09-Sep-08 08:05:17

Aibu, I speak from very personal experience. Please please don't meet him, it will ultimately hurt you. I will NOT judge either of you for wanting to meet - I've been there. But, now I am also here nursing a very bruised heart (note not broken), but OM is trying to rebuild his marriage. I don't doubt that what you feel for each other is real, but please be careful.

The fact that you have posted on here, shows that you are uncertain in some ways.

Save yourself first.


PrimroseHall Tue 09-Sep-08 09:49:38

I think you've done the right thing.

I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. My relationship with DP (now EXP) was terrible and I was desperate, like you, to get out of it. This other man came along who I was very much attracted to, and who made me feel appealing again.

To cut a long story short EXP found out about it and it caused no end of hurt and misery. All the bad things that EXP had done over the years were minimised and everything was now my fault.

The silly thing was that I never did end up sleeping with this man. It was just flirty texts and emails and talking about personal things, but there was always the intention to take things further. He was also in the process of moving to another country and that made it easier for me to keep seeing him. AFAIK he's still in the UK, 2 years later!

Funny thing is that now I'm single it's not appealing anymore, for either of us. I wouldn't need to sneak around and hide my phone because there's no-one here to look at it anyway. I think, for both of us, it was more about emotionally escaping from our miserable lives rather than any real desire to be together. The only good thing to come out of it was my relationship with EXP finally ending. I wish I'd dealt with it differently now though.

Mum2OliverJames Tue 09-Sep-08 09:53:11

havent read all the posts but i think that at the moment you really want this 'fantasy' almost, of being with this guy, what if you meet his and he's now fat or ugly or has rotten teeth or is smelly (or has a small willy!!!)

let it stay a fantasy rather than ruining it for your self.

could you bare the disappointment?

purpleduck Tue 09-Sep-08 10:11:38

Dump your dp, and find someone who is caring and LOYAL

this guy is no different from your dp...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now