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My DP's female friend

(78 Posts)
Lynchian Mon 08-Sep-08 11:27:29

I have nothing against my DP having female friends. However, there's one woman who seems to always push it that little bit too far. I am loath to say anything because they were friends long before I came along, but I'm starting to feel increasingly uncomfortable when she is around.

I am pregnant with our first child.

DP and I went out on Saturday and she was there. I get the feeling she'd had quite a lot to drink when we arrived, as she was on her own and as soon as we got there she joined us.

Her sister has recently been diagnosed as terminally ill, which is terribly sad, she's only in her mid-50s. DP's friend is very, very upset and I understand that she needs friends round her for support. I'm not a heartless cow, I like the woman (or I did until Saturday.).

I've noticed quite often on previous meetings that she's VERY touchy-feely with my DP. Stands with her arm round him when talking to him, touches him all the time. He's commented on this to me when drunk, but he doesn't remember, says sometimes she takes the physical contact a little bit too far and makes him feel a bit uncomfortable, however he thinks the world of her.

On Saturday we were at an open-air concert. My friend also came along, and even she noticed the level of physical contact between them. She puts her hand on his face when he talks to her. She puts her arm around him all the time. She stands and talks to him on the opposite side to where I am so nobody else can hear what they say to each other. At one point on Saturday, she was standing on her own, and he went over to ask her to join us. She didn't come, so he stayed with her. I went off to get drinks and when I came back they'd eventually come over to where we'd been standing. As soon as I got there she walked off again and stood on her own. She kept bringing red wine and topping up DP's drink with it but offering nobody else any.

Then at the end of the night he had to get something from her that she'd been keeping in her tent, so they went off through the mud for it, and she grabbed his hand. I walked with them, but slightly behind because I just found it bizarre. I think that was the final straw really, anything else I could've let lie, but hand in hand with her when I'm pregnant and struggling to balance in the mud myself was just too much. Too cosy.

I said to him, when we got home, that she'd been quite touchy-feely, and even my friend had commented. He just shrugged it off "she's always been like that". I said them walking through the field hand in hand made me feel odd. He said nothing had ever gone on. I believe him but I'm just not happy about it. It does make me feel weird, and is making me dislike her, when I don't want to dislike her, especially not now, when she's obviously hurting so much.

He is always the first one to withdraw from the physical contact that she makes. He seems to put up with it to a certain point, then get uncomfortable. I see her being touchy-feely with other people, but not to this extent. She also seems very guarded with me. She's interested in knowing all about me, but from other people, she never really asks me anything. She was very interested in finding out how my friend knew me, but only from my friend, when I started to tell the story she lost interest.

Not quite sure what to do about this, really. I don't know if I can just accept it though. It makes me really uncomfortable.

RubySlippers Mon 08-Sep-08 11:30:24

i have a very good male friend but i wouldn't stroke his face or walk hand in hand with him in view of my DH!

it is good that your DP withdraws from it but it does sound like she holds a bit of a torch for him

he needs to tackle it i think

fourlittlefeet Mon 08-Sep-08 11:34:35

these things are far worse when you are pregnant and feeling vulnerable and moody. I think your dp should be aware of this and therefore extra attentive to you whilst you are creating your family!

DumbledoresGirl Mon 08-Sep-08 11:35:57

I have to be completely honest here and I know it will make me out to be slightly unhinged, but if any woman below the age of 75 held my dh's hand, or touched his face, I would go absolutely ballistic. How did you stop yourself shouting after him and demanding that he come back and help you though the mud?

She sounds jealous of you IMO. She wants to know about you because she wants to know what she is up against, but she can't bear to speak to you herself because she is jealous of you.

I don't know how you should handle it. I only know how I would handle it, and it would not be rationally.

BitOfFun Mon 08-Sep-08 11:36:02

It sounds like you need to tell your DP how you feel qabout all this, but in a non-confrontational way. You know the drill...lots of "I" statements etc. And see if you can get him to alter how much of her touchy feely stuff he will tolerate. As you say, he does pull away at some point, just ask him to do it sooner IYSWIM, for your sake, and she will get the hint without an embarrassing "chat" from him. Also, ask him to be a bit more attentive to YOU when you are out, and do it yourself - she can't drape her arm round him if you are there already! I know she is having a hard time, but she is not entitled to be such a PITA, and you should't have to put up with it.

Cappuccino Mon 08-Sep-08 11:36:34

yes but if he was being close to you there wouldn't be the chance

he should have dropped her hand and held yours, or at least held both of your hands

he may be passive in all this but he could at least put his arm around you to give a signal to her

if he was standing holding your hand, or with his arm around you, there wouldn't be chance for her to do this

he needs to signal where his affections are to her imo; if you started draping yourself on him it would look desperate

DwayneDibbley Mon 08-Sep-08 11:37:04

Message withdrawn

Chequers Mon 08-Sep-08 11:38:49

To me it sounds like she's picking on you a bit. Taking out her shit time on you maybe?

Not on anyway.

MakemineaGandT Mon 08-Sep-08 11:38:52

Sounds as though she has a thing for your DP. I'd be worried. Men never seem to see these things coming until it is too late. Don't worry too much unless you see an unhealthy response in your DP. Just explain to him how you feel (gently!) and see what he says. You could always say something to her if it gets too much - perhaps in a jokey way - might be enough to scare her off!

One of my friends married a bloke who had a (girl) friend like this - she was so inappropriate with him - I remember being flabbergasted at the wedding as the "friend" walked about hand in hand with the bridegroom while the bride danced alone! Most odd and I wouldn't put up with it.

Cappuccino Mon 08-Sep-08 11:41:00

I had a 'friend' years ago who would do this, she had a bunch of male friends. I think she liked to think they were all in love with her, but that she was out of their league so they would have to form pitiful other little attachments while forever wishing they were with her

she was a case

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VictorianSqualor Mon 08-Sep-08 11:42:42

Wot Capp and BitofFun said.
You need to explain to Dp exactly how she makes you feel, especially at such a vulnerable time of your life, even two days after falling pregnant most of us feel the size of a house and totally insecure!
It's down to him to put things right. He should be making it clear it's not acceptable.

Lynchian Mon 08-Sep-08 11:50:10

I found myself standing with my arms round him more often than usual on Saturday, just to prove a point, which I don't want to do because I want to remain dignified and non-bunny-boilerish about this whole thing. She is 15 years older than me, 6 years older then him. She's 50 next month. I don't think I have anything to worry about. However, I think she has a damn cheek, knowing he is with me, knowing I am pregnant.

I wanted to bop her on the head, truth be told, but I'm far too reserved for that, and I don't think it would've gone down particularly well! I spent the whole night seething to my friend "look at her! She keeps grabbing hold of his face! She's got her arm round him!" etc.

I'm just hoping that by casually mentioning it I've planted the seed in his mind again that she does sometimes get too close for comfort. The time before when he said he felt uncomfortable was after I'd suggested that we invite her out walking with us. They didn't have contact for ages after that. They always used to walk together, they have loads in common in the sense that they're both very outdoorsy and used to rockclimb together. Then they got back in touch, and have started walking together again recently, and getting close like they used to be. Which, as I said, I don't mind. It's just the touching that gets my back up.

LittleMyDancing Mon 08-Sep-08 11:51:04

The really important question is do you trust your DP? If you do, then try not to get too worked up about it - nothing she does will have any impact on your relationship unless you let it.

My DP has a friend a bit like this - she used to be much worse but now has a DP of her own and has backed off a bit. It used to really bug me but if I kicked off about it the only thing that resulted was that I looked like an unreasonable cow because it was all so hard to prove or describe, and there was nothing going on, and she looked innocent and hurt, even though she was being (I think unconsciously) manipulative. We are good friends now, and I truly believe she didn't realise how manipulative she was being, in some ways.

Men don't really understand these games women play, to be honest.

I would say to your DP that you felt sad and abandoned by him and ask him to be a bit more attentive to your needs, but leave it at that. I doubt he'll be comfortable 'having a word' or doing much beyond withdrawing from the phyical things a bit more quickly.

Hope this helps

Alexa808 Mon 08-Sep-08 11:51:33

Personally I'd be outraged and wouldn't give a monkey's about her personal circumstances in respect to what she's doing and I'd straighten her out. If she needs a f*cking cuddle why does she not get a partner of her own? Is she so friendless that your DH is the only person she can cling on to? hmm

Now, I think you are very patient and very careful. However I agree with Ruby that her behaviour needs addressing. Your DH is half guilty for not making noises for her to move away or just letting her get on with her groping friendly gestures.

So they may have been friends before you came along. Well I guess Little Miss Cuddles will find that now that you are here and his wife & pregnant life has changed and so has whatever relationship they had before. You don't have unreasonable demands, I can see where you are coming from and I think an honest word between all 3 of you would clear the air.

How about inviting her for dinner, Monday or Tuesday evening (I presume she has to work during the week and won't show up half cut). Well, then when everyone is done with the meal your DH should bring it up. See how she reacts and watch her behaviour. You'll be able to spot if she really is just continuing the relationship with your DH as it was before you came onto the scene or if there's more to it. Either way, this needs a firm nipping in the bud and you need to pull your man closer to you & the unborn baby. You'll need all the support you can get during and after the pregnancy. There is simply no space for a 'rival'.

MadameCastafiore Mon 08-Sep-08 11:55:34

I would say to him that he needs to have a word or I will next time it happens and it may be a lot better coming from him rather tham me as I wouldn't be quite as polite or kind.

She is doing it because you and him are letting her!

Alexa808 Mon 08-Sep-08 11:56:17

Agree with Chequers, too. She sounds competitive for your DHs attention, like dangling her friendship with him in your face ('He prefers me...lalala') Slightly unhinged, at 50 she should know better.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadameCastafiore Mon 08-Sep-08 11:58:19

Or maybe 'Look love, I am not being funny but these prgnancy hormones really mess me up and when I see you touching DH I get the urge to smack you right in the wrinkly old face so I would advise you to stop right now!'

Siad with a smile but a slightly crazy one - believe me you can get away with blaming pregnancy for loads.

Alexa808 Mon 08-Sep-08 12:00:36

TMMJ, I wish I could be jokey about things. I'm usually pretty straight forward,/aggressive. It came with my German passport. wink

LoveMyGirls Mon 08-Sep-08 12:01:18

Just show him this thread and say you don't want to have a row over it but he needs to sort it out so you cna have one less thing to worry about.

CatMandu Mon 08-Sep-08 12:01:47

DH used to have a friend similar to this, she was forever banging on about their 'special' relationship. She had been a good friend to him years before when his first marriage split, but he never fancied her. One day I mentioned it to a friend who'd known them both for ages who said that she'd always fancied dh and he just hadn't noticed. DH found it hard because he could see that her behaviour to me was bad, but he felt he owed her one. In the end we just lost touch.

Alexa808 Mon 08-Sep-08 12:02:38

MadameC: nice one! I like!!

MadameCastafiore Mon 08-Sep-08 12:06:01

Oooohhhh or give her an extra special cuddle yourself and when she pulls away say you thought that she was all up for a 3some or a bit of wife swapping on account of her overly physical behaviour towards DH and make up a big story about you both being into that kinda thing - may backfire though and she will whip her knickers off there and then and demand that your DH shag her at which point you could probably get away with a bit of physical violence!

Sorry getting carried away here - the audacity of this woman is astounding!

BitOfFun Mon 08-Sep-08 12:07:23

Ooh Mme Casta, that sounds a bit risky, but very funny grin

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