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Still hung up on my Ex ? Please help !!

(10 Posts)
pixiella Mon 08-Sep-08 03:08:06

Sorry if it's a bit long....

I guess I'm in a bit of a Ross/Rachel from friends situation or .... I feel like Allie in the Notebook (if anyone's seen that movie!)

I love my current boyfriend so much, we've been together for almost 2 years and have been through so much together but at the moment we're having a rough a patch in our relationship.

But ever since i broke up with my ex 3 years ago (my first love) from time to time he keeps popping back into my mind. Shortly after we broke up I starting seeing another guy - i was on the rebound and couldn't face up to the pain of my relationship breaking up and having to be on my own etc so I guess this new boyfriend just helped to keep my mind off the pain I was feeling and stopped me from being lonely and even when he treated me badly I didn't dump him cos I then I would be alone again.

ANYWAY so after that rebound relationship ended....I made a concious decision to be single for a while and sort my head out and make things right with my ex (he had been very hurt that id started seeing someone so soon after we broke up and we hadnt spoken or been on good terms for about 5 months) BUT then, while i was really vulnerable, single, lonely and still had alot of pain about our relationship ending I found out that he had decided to move on and was now seeing one of my best friends! Now she is the sweetest loveliest girl and I just had to accept it but it was SO hard for me. I just had to pretend that I was fine with it when I was really hurting and still in love with him and I had never really gotten a chance to move on or 'get over it'.

Since then, we've become friends and it's not longer awkward to be around each other and I'm still friends with his girlfriend too. But everytime she talks about him to me, or anyone talks about them as a couple around me I get this horrible feeling in my stomach and I feel really sad and uncomfortable. They have broken up (for the 2nd time) recently and it brings up loads of guilty feelings I have for hurting him when WE broke up so he's been on my mind even more than usual.

Before it was just he would pop up in my dreams for no reason...or whenever my boyfriend would talk about marriage or the future, my ex's face would always pop up in my head - like a sort of 'What Could've Been...' Or whenever I hear sad love songs or watch tragic romantic films I always choke up and think of my Ex.

I'm annoyed with myself because I have an amazing boyfriend who would make a great husband one day but I just can't fully commit to this relationship when I still have issues about my ex and still can't get him out of my head. I mean we broke up 3 years ago and I still havn't been able to get over him after all this time and I don't know why ! I've tried lots of different tactics to get over him and I've worked through it in my head loads but nothing seems to help. My mind always eventually comes back to HIM.

The main thing is that when me and him (my ex) first kissed, we both got all dizzy and faint and had to sit down...we both felt this intense connection which blew us away, and throughout our relationship it happened alot, like while we were kissing it'd feel so amazing like we were high or something and I had stars and explosions behind my eyes and all those amazing things that people describe in the movies. I've never had that with ANYONE else since. And I'm scared that maybe he is THE ONE and my soulmate but I've missed my chance. And how will I ever know? There's no chance for us to give it another go in the near future because he's recently been involved with one of my good friends so everyone sees him as HER boyfriend rather than MY ex. So if i told any of my friends how i feel they would just think i was crazy or a bitch.

I always wonder whether he feels the same but I could never ask him, it'd be too embaressing. I loved him so much but I do want to get him out of my head so I can concentrate on making my current relationship work ! Help !

pigleto Mon 08-Sep-08 03:29:28

I still dream about my first love, that's normal. It was a very intense relationship. But I wouldn't want him back. Why did you split up with the bloke in the first place.

I strongly suspect you of over romanticising. Is your current relationship not doing it for you? This is the issue that needs addressing IMO not your newfound passion for your ex who may not even fancy you any more.

pixiella Mon 08-Sep-08 11:52:19

I know it's normal not to forget your first love but it's not just cropped up now that my current relationship is getting bumpy....he's regularly kept coming into my mind ever since we broke up, there hasn't been a long period of time when I didn't think about him. Even when me and my boyfriend had only just started seeing each other and everything was all new and you only focus on each other, I still had to keep pushing my ex out of my mind.

So it's not newfound passion it's just passion that has never gone away.

We broke up because we were both young and we'd been together for a year and a half and had started to argue, we didn't really know how to cope with arguments and started to break down. also we were seeing each other enough because of college and started to drift apart. after we broke up it was a bit messy because after a week I wanted to get back together and he said 'i do want to get back with you, but i think we should be away from each other for a while so we miss each other' this really hurt me and i couldn't cope with the rejection so I threw myself into a rebound relationship with the first nice guy that came along. This hurt him alot and he 'realised what he had lost' or whatever and he said he wanted to try and work things out. But we never did cos I was in the rebound relationship.

Oh and the 'rebound' is not the current relationship I am in now by the way. We broke up after a short while, then I was single for 7 or 8 months then I met my current boyfriend !

pixiella Mon 08-Sep-08 12:32:46


BitOfFun Mon 08-Sep-08 12:45:37

I would try some counselling to sort out your feelings. Maybe even Relate? There are lots of free services for women, and it could really help you move on.

PonderingThoughts Mon 08-Sep-08 12:58:56

It sounds like you have never really gotten over that relationship. You may have moved on physically with your new partner, but mentally you are still trapped.

When you talk about the passion with your Ex and the stars in your eyes's very easy to blow that out of proportion over time and then you are left with 'the grass is greener' situation.

I'm not sure it is the actual person that you are 'in love' with or the idea of what you had. It may well be your Ex's face that appears in dreams and in your 'what if's' but maybe his face is just your subconcious way of personifying(sp?) your needs in a relationship.

Do you know what I mean? Maybe you need to have that passion and intense feeling. Maybe you need the romance and the dizzy stars and maybe that is what's missing from your current relatonship. BUT that doesn't men that your Ex is right for you - it's just that you had those things for a while and they happened to be with him.

You've never given that relationship full 'closure' as you knew that your rebound relationship was not for real, just an excuse. Your Ex took that time and put closure on your relationship and moved on.

Your not even close with him now as you admit that it would be too embarrassing to ask him how he feels.
It would be dangerous to risk what you have now because 'the grass is greener' or 'what if' as you risk losing your curent partner & your friend too.

I would suggest putting your energy and emotions into your current relationship and communicating with your current partner about what you 'need' in a relationship (all the heady stuff nd spicing it up a bit). Give that some time and then see how you feel.

Don't expect to forget your first love either though, you never will, he'll always own a peice of your heart, but don't let the peice he owns, rule your head.

pixiella Mon 08-Sep-08 14:33:27

Pondering - such an insightful comment -thank you, it really made me think.

In a way i recognise that i'm probably just over-romanticising....and I think you're right about everything you said.

It's just the fact that it's gone on for so long...I think in my OP I said 3 years but it's been more like 3 and a half - 4 years. since we broke up. And like I said, it hasn't only been when I'm unhappy that he's on my mind. It's been at all times of my life, happy, sad, lonely, content, even in love with someone else....a part of me is still hung up on him and still wondering - Was he THE ONE? Which confuses me - in that way it doesn't make sense.

We are very close still as friends, and he has even talked to me about how he feels about breaking up with his g/f (my friend - who he's been with since him and I broke up) this has been particularly difficult for me to hear, but I still want to be there for him because I care about him so much and I feel flattered that he trusts me because he hasn't talked deeply to anyone else about it. We have only talked once about it though but I've said to both him and his girlfriend (my friend) that I would prefer it if neither of them asked me for advice or chatted to me about how it's going etc because it's weird for me, no matter how much I pretend I can cope with being equal friends with both of them.....It's never going to be equal because I still care about my ex so much, so I'm not a good person for them to be confiding in !!

UMMM went off on bit of a tangent just then.......BUT what I'm trying to say is,,,,our relationship at the moment is and has been for the last 3 years, good friends. IF he hadn't have started seeing one of my best friends and was just going out with some random girl who I didn't know and who wasn't in my close circle of friends then I would probably have had a chat with him LONG before now about my feelings. But because his girlfriend is my friend it complicates things.

pixiella Mon 08-Sep-08 17:03:22

sorry to keep BUMPing this.

Janos Mon 08-Sep-08 21:05:47

Hmmm, Pixiella

I think first love can be very intense, but at the end of the day, you spilt up for a reason, didn't you? so it wasn't a perfect relationship by any means.

Perhaps you should think about getting some counselling to see why you are obsessing about your ex and can't move on. It's not a healthy frame of mind and think how hurt your current partner would be if he knew what was going on in your head re: the ex.

And sorry but..all this 'soulmate' and 'The One' stuff really is a pile of soppy romantic nonsense.

Concentrate on your current partner if he is the one you love and want to be with, otherwise you could end up with nothing.

KMMO Tue 25-Jul-17 09:54:49

Hey there, Pixella. I know this thread is from 2008, so there probably is no hope of getting a response, but I am in a very similar, almost exact, situation.

Just curious... was he the one? Did you ever tell him how you felt? Was there ever any closure? Or did you just realize you needed therapy like I'm starting to think I do..

Sometimes I feel like I wouldn't have this insane urge in my gut to talk to him if it didn't mean anything. If it's over and I should just move on.. Why won't my brain let me shut it off?

That crazy passion you say you felt... I totally and 100% relate. I know it's stupid.. its been years and seems silly to even entertain the thought out loud...but I just can't seem to get over it.

Isn't there some old saying that says crazy people don't know they're crazy? I take comfort in this because I know it's goddamn nuts. I know I shouldn't feel like this. I know it's insane.. I just don't know WHY I still feel this way.

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