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Is there any way to get non-talking partners to talk? Starting to get very worried about my marriage :(

(16 Posts)
Worriedaboutlife Sun 07-Sep-08 19:13:29

DH has always been "quiet", but together we would talk, laugh etc.

I am 99% sure he is depressed but he will not see a doctor. No amount of me nagging will make it happen, it will just make him dig his heels in (he is very placid most of the time, until I push iyswim).

I love him dearly, but I miss him iyswim. He spends all his time on the computer (which has always been the case), but before he used to talk at the same time, come off and we'd watch tv together etc. Now he barely comes off.

He won't talk to me to tell me what is on his mind. He then gets arsey when I go out (or at least I think he is arsey with me but he won't say so I have no idea if that is me projecting with feeling guilty).

We're meant to be trying for another baby soon, but I am sat here wondering if he actually wants to be with us at all.

He has supported me through depression for so many years, I just don't know what to do. I want the man I love back, I am living with a shell and starting to feel like I want to break out so I can feel.

Worriedaboutlife Sun 07-Sep-08 20:05:46

please?

What is he doing on the computer?

Worriedaboutlife Sun 07-Sep-08 20:11:17

Games and watching stuff

I'm sure someone will come along and be able to offer you some good advice. I'm afraid I can't - going through hellish situation with own DH at moment and everything is coloured by that.

I hope you can get this sorted out. Communication in a relationship is vital.

Worriedaboutlife Sun 07-Sep-08 21:01:36

Awww Shiny I hope things improve for you

kickassangel Sun 07-Sep-08 21:03:23

my dh a bit like this - retreats when under stress & glues himslef to the pc. some of it because he found ebing dad to a young child hard (never had his own dad at that age, and thought he wasn't good enough) some of it just tiredness & bored from not going out.

what things did you used to talk about? we suddenly had a long chat on a car journey, listening to music while dd asleep, and i remembered how ti used to be. we also enjoy watching films together, then chatting about them. could you find a way 'in' like this? pulling him off the pc & insisting he talks is almost guragnteed to fail, e.g
you: we never talk
him: so?
you: we should talk more
him: what about?
you: er...

Worriedaboutlife Sun 07-Sep-08 21:10:06

I'm not sure what we used to talk about tbh, it just used to be easy. Even the silences were the easy kind, not this sort of tense kind. I have no idea how much is me creating something that isn't there

You are exactly right with the enforced talks grin

(Btw, I always like seeing your name about - your name, and your profile reminds me of a friend I had years ago )

kickassangel Sun 07-Sep-08 21:37:16

not on here very much, but bored tonight & dh watching tv (usaully the other way round) actually, dh grew up with parents who didn't talk to him - just sent him to his room every eve - so it is mainly me worrying, he just thinks 'oh, good, a nice quiet eve', but i'm assuming he's a little unusual in his family upbringing.

we have certain tv shows we both like & watch them togehter, with beer/wine etc. after several years, it can be hard to find a topic you haven't already thrashed to death.

gotta go now - his turn on puter! we may chat briefly as we swap places!

Worriedaboutlife Sun 07-Sep-08 21:41:24

Yes! I think it is a similar upbringing DH had. His family are bloody odd imo wink

We have a few series etc that we watch together, and it is really nice when we do, but at the moment we're out of things that we both want to watch, and one of us isn't being overly flexible on trying new things hmm

Spero Sun 07-Sep-08 21:42:26

It sounds like its time to consider getting outside help, like Relate or something similar. If he is depressed, he needs help, if he's not depressed, he needs to understand how this is impacting on you and he needs to try to change.

I was in a very similar situation and I think I let it drag on too long, which with hindsight was very bad for me and dd.

Spero Sun 07-Sep-08 21:42:33

It sounds like its time to consider getting outside help, like Relate or something similar. If he is depressed, he needs help, if he's not depressed, he needs to understand how this is impacting on you and he needs to try to change.

I was in a very similar situation and I think I let it drag on too long, which with hindsight was very bad for me and dd.

Worriedaboutlife Sun 07-Sep-08 21:43:51

we've had a brief chat - in which I vaguely mentioned drinking tea if he decided to make some, and he got up and did it there and then shock He says he's just tired today and it has been a long weekend from hell with DS (I sodded off and left him to it blush I am trying the defence of "they are his children too" but I probably wouldn't be overly impressed if he did the same grin)

Worriedaboutlife Sun 07-Sep-08 21:45:54

crossed posts - how would you go about relate though if he doesn't think there is a problem?

Spero Sun 07-Sep-08 21:48:43

I would suggest to him that the fact you think there is a problem means there is a problem and if he values the relationship he will at least come along to a few sessions and then make up his mind.

If he absolutely refuses, then you go on your own which might give you the courage/clarity you need to decide your next steps.

Sometimes there are pretty long waiting lists, so you might consider paying privately if you can afford it. From what I remember our Relate sessions were £40 a time but this was two years ago; we then went to a private therapist and it was about £150 a hour, so a big difference.

2rebecca Sun 07-Sep-08 22:01:37

I'd say somethign like "I'm concerned our relationship isn't working and you spend too much time on the computer and we don't talk any more. Are you willing to try and help save our relationship as I don't want to carry on as we are".
If you don't want him on the computer you sometimes have to make computer orientated partners realise they HAVE to change if they want to keep you to make them change. Depends how bothered you are.

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