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WWYD - fall out with a friend(11 Posts)
I'm a regular but namechanged for this.
I'll keep as short as possible.......had baby in the summer and when baby was 4 days old, friend came over to visit. I was in a right state after visit as got 8 negative comments and it really hurt me. Anyway, I'm totally over it now but at the time, I went on the post-natal thread I was on to ask if I was being over-sensitive and was reassured I wasn't and people were shocked at what was said. I also know people in RL think I was right to feel that way too.
Anyway, I decided to temporarily stay away from said person as was advised it's best to so nothing more hurtful could be said. Well, some time later this friend emailed me saying she'd read what I put on thread and was sorry, she was shocked I felt that way blabla and I just replied saying was in the past and not to worry about it but as soon as I did that, she removed me as a friend from Facebook and never replied to my email and haven't heard from her since.
Putting what this friend said to me aside, she was a good friend and it all seems a shame and tbh, I'm not one to 'fall out' with people so it all seems a little childish to me as I'm just not like that.
I understand she's probably hurt from reading it there in black and white and I have apologised that she had to read it like that and I understand it must have been horrible but not a lot I can do about that. She would have had to search for my messages to have come across it as she read it some time after I wrote it plus she'd have no need to be on a post-natal thread from then anyway.
Sometimes I feel like emailing to ask if we can put it past us but I do feel like that would be like saying I was wrong to feel the way I did which is not true, I was totally right to feel like this and some people don't understand why I even miss the friendship. But, as I said before it all feels a bit childish not emailing just because of that.
So, not sure what I'm saying really but would be very grateful for some advice as to whether or not I should contact friend or leave it?
It's hard to explain why I was so upset without telling you what was said but I don't really want to go through it after it was all detailed in a previous thread.
Sometimes people make it perfectly clear that they can't get past something. Had similar (although different circs) a while ago with a 'friend' who was being incredibly childish with another friend. I wasn't willing to keep ignoring her over a fallout with another friend as I thought that was childish. Tried to make contact but she made it clear that she wasn't interested. I still find it hard to believe that a grown woman could end a friendship over basically nothing and be so childish...but some people are like that. Like you, I didn't instigate the end of the friendship, there was no 'falling out', she just decided to bow out of my life. In the end I thought 'fair enough' - and stopped caring!
I suggest you do the same
Yeah, you might be right. I've heard her talk about other friends she's 'fallen out' with and have thought how childish on occasions but it was none of my business. Well, thinking about that, I'm probably best not bothering then. Seems such a shame but in a way, I'm sort of glad she read what she read as she needed to know how hurtful she can be and I'm too nice to just come out with it
I would leave it to be honest. Let her be. Why was she checking up on threads you were on?
Yeah, the more and more I think about it, the more I think that I should just leave it. As for why she was checking on my threads, god knows, that's another thing I found odd tbh!
Do you want her as a friend? If so, why? What do you gain from being her friend?
I agree that just leaving it is probably best.
hecate - I can certainly live without the friendship, have enough friends who wouldn't dream of talking to me that way so that's fine. I think I just feel bad about her reading it like that and I know she's had problems over the last year or so which have made her down and I tried to support her and let her talk through the problems and just feel bad I suppose. So I think it's more a guilt thing iyswim.
I think I've been persuaded to leave it. Thanks for all helping me know what to do for the best
It's funny how, on these type of threads, the MNetters seem to side with the poster, without having enough detail to read (that I can see) So from a different perspective...
You've said she was a good friend, so perhaps there was a misunderstanding when she visited you ? could you have been hormonal if the baby was only 4 days old ? Could she have something going on? Perhaps she looked up your messages on mumsnet because she was worried about you - were you in frequent contact ?
Do you know it was horrible for her to read the threads, did she say that to you ?
I think I would be inclined to contact her & ask her (via email/text etc) about what happened. If she doesn't respond then just forget about it. If you make friends again, well, all well & good. Good luck !
"this friend emailed me saying she'd read what I put on thread and was sorry, she was shocked I felt that way blabla and I just replied saying was in the past and not to worry about it" "I have apologised that she had to read it like that and I understand it must have been horrible but not a lot I can do about that."
I expect that she thought you were going to say you were over-reacting, you shouldn't have got so upset and started the thread.
In essence, she was looking for an apology from you for saying what you felt, and as she didn't get it, has cut off contact.
She wants you to say you were wrong for being upset.
Good on you for standing your ground. I think you have done exactly the right thing. Many people would have felt pressured into an apology for daring to be upset.
oxfordblue - I certainly wasn't after people siding with me, just wanted some advice When I said a 'good' friend, what I meant is see each other a fair bit and get on well etc. I went onto the thread I did because I thought I was being hormonal as you said. BUT, people on there said what she'd said was unforgiveable and one thing was plain weird, also, 3 months on I am totally UNhormonal and although it doesn't make me angry or upset anymore, when I think of what she fired out in the 1 hour she was here, I'm still shocked. Especially as at one point I said 'please stop' as I felt like I was about to burst into tears and yet she still carried on. I'm sure she didn't do it on purpose but it really was upsetting. Even at the end of my pregnancy, she really wanted to know what name we were thinking of for our baby and I insisted I wanted to keep it to myself so no-one could slag it off (it's not weird btw, just wanted to keep it to ourselves), she went on about how she was a close friend and she promised not to say anything negative so silly me told her and straight away she said 'isn't it a bit of a mouthful, well I suppose if you like it......I personally prefer X'. I bit my lip at that point as I keep opinions like that to myself as wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. As for her saying it was horrible reading my post, no, she didn't say that. I'm just saying I felt for her as can't have been nice and did say so in my reply email. I just didn't apologise to her as I didn't have anything to apologise for!
BalloonSlayer - I think you've hit the nail right on the head there. She can be pretty hot headed at times and I imagine that's exactly what's happened. Her email was apologising and although I apologised that she ended up reading the post and seeing everyones comments after (strongly worded!), I didn't actually apologise for writing it or for feeling that way.
My husband says it's a shame it's come to this as he knew we got on but also said that what was said that day was out of order and that I shouldn't go running as I did nothing wrong.
I wasn't suggesting siding, just trying to offer another thought process
You sound like you're quite hurt by it all [hug] Perhaps you should write to her, explaining how you feel & then leave it ? Not saying you have anything to apologise about. At least then you've got it out of your system.
Hope you get it sorted out.
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