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Don't know what to do for best - sorry v long but needed to write x

(4 Posts)
trixie67 Sun 07-Sep-08 03:29:56

Please help !
In Nov dh (now 40) had an affair with 27 yr old, from work, also separated after her h cheated on her ! angry
I confronted him at beginning of Dec, he stayed till 3 days after X'mas during which time I did all I could to put things right - he said I didnt care about myself, no make up, put on weight, frumpy, too tired for sex... really went to town to sort it out, went from size 16 to 10 in 2 wks ! fully made up from 7am, dressed to kill, sex every night etc. So he left - ow lives 3 hours away & not near his work, so moved to his parents. Then said not a case of if he stayed but if he came back.
Had my sis wedding in Jan - same church we married in 16 yrs ago - then in Feb he said no, not coming back. sad
In March I got a pt job, went to relate alone, tried to sort out finances. In all of this time we have kept close contact - no sex - phone calls, visits, txt - even txt flirting & txt sex & says he still has feelings for me, cares etc.
Today he said he just didnt know what he wants, he has been feeling really down for various reasons, job, all of this, life etc. So gone away for a week to sort himself out. He rang to speak to ds's tonight & spoke to me, in one breath said about closure, selling house, paying off debts (mostly his £40k) & moving on - I said but his sorting out doesnt include me - he said, yes in did, he doesnt know what he feels at all & needs to be sure of what he wants & where he is going.
Now, you will probably say I am a fool but despite all that has happened, I do still love him & ds's are suffering badly & finding his visits & weekends with him away from me, v hard. I would consider him coming back but if he doesnt, I dont think I will be able to cope moneywise as he earns 9 times what I do. I dont want ds's to suffer & go without & I wont be able to bring them up as they are used to.
I suppose I have a 50/50 chance but if he doesnt come back, do I pass everything over to him, take the savings & go it alone ? Ds's would benefit far more from being with him in home & with his money than from having to scrape by with me. Mortgage too high for me to pay, cant get 2 houses with any equity - if we can sell it !
Now the possibility of him coming back has set me back again & I feel anxious again, like I'm going to be rejected the second time round & I dont think I can honestly cope with it a second time - I managed to pull through last time with happy pills & support but I dont know that again - cant afford to lose anymore weight & function. Cant tell my family & friends about this.
I can't let him go no matter how hard I try -I dont answer his calls or txt but then he comes to get the boys & flirts & I'm back under the spell. I joined Match to try & meet someone but just ended up discounting men as they weren't him - and I dont want anyone else coz I still want him !
Its the coping with the boys & them wanting Daddy all the time.
Oh I know, its pathetic but it hurts so much still ! I dont think he knows what he is doing quite frankly. I know we laugh at mid life crises but I think he has gone into some kind of melt down - he has lost weight, job going badly, not as well groomed as before - I can see why he needs to sort himself out. When it became common knowledge of our split everyone was shocked as he was such a wonderful loving Father & Husband & I had no inkling that he wasnt happy (although I didnt realise that I wasnt happy either - much happier now I'm working & feel better in myself now I do make myself up etc) What do I do next ? I am so very confused & feel like I did back in December all over again. Thanks for reading - sorry it was so long but needed to get it off my chest blush

alipiggie Sun 07-Sep-08 04:39:54

Don't sell yourself short. Your boys need you. I went through exactly the same thing as you, thousands of miles away from my family. I moved out of the family home and have found somewhere else to live. The boys will get used to the visits. Take it very slowly and whatever happens put them first and then you. Go to a mediator and sort out the finances first and foremost. Whatever you do, don't let him wear you down. Remember you are worth SO MUCH MORE and money does not buy happiness. I don't know how old your boys are, but they need their mum.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't wish what I went through (and am still going through emotionally) on anyone. Get some financial and legal advice. Cry and scream at night when you need to and remember you are never alone.

trixie67 Sun 07-Sep-08 09:57:43

Thanks alipiggie. He keeps telling me I'm so much stronger than him, that I will meet someone else and that the boys need me BUT I'm starting to lose that strength and feeling so down.

I dont think I can stand to share the boys with them - it breaks my heart when they go for a weekend - and I dont want to hear how great she is or what their life is like. She wants to have a family, even though dh wanted to stop at two for us. He said he couldnt cope with babies and lack of sleep & all the other stuff that goes with it.

Do I just wait like a fool to see if he choses to come back ? All these scenarios come into my head - maybe she has ditched him & he doesnt want to lose his pride by coming back like that ? Maybe he will see what he stands to lose ? Then I remember he has gone abroad for a few days to get his head together - nice, good for him eh ? so I get angry but really all I want is my life back. It could be so good if we pulled together we could have a great life, sort out the debts and as the boys are getting older it means they are less dependent and we could have more time for us. Oh I dont know, I'm so confused and sad by it all. sad

nkf Sun 07-Sep-08 10:03:11

I'd stay put with the boys and go to a lawyer. I wouldn't assume that you won't have enough money. He has to support his children. That's the law. And the amount he pays is worked out to a formula. I'd say he's messing with your head and you need some sound legal advice. Good luck.

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