It's long and probably broing but would really appreciate advice

[ABitSecretish]

Am a name changed reg, those who know me well will probably guess.

Anyway, I haven't spoken to my mum since I was 15, am now nearly 30. Her husband sexually abused me and beat me up, regularly.

I stopped talking to her at 15, when I was put into care, but made up at 17.

At 18 I discovered her hubby was shagging my best school friend, she ignored it. At 19 I fell pg, her DH left her for my babysitter (14) she had a choice me or them. She chose them.

Later I found my real Dad, he became my hero, but died a year later of lung cancer. I miss him terribly and cry tons when I get too drunk.

She messaged me on a networking site, I don't want to know her, I want my Dad. I know it'll never happen, but I get the impression I'd feel better telling her that. I know I won't though.

I think I should carry on ignoring her (I've blocked her)

WWYD?

[AvenaLife]

Are there things you want to ask her? For you, not for her? If you carry on ignoring her do you think she'll carry on trying?

[goodasgold]

Maybe you should just tell her once how you feel now, and then close the door.

[chipmonkey]

Oh, you poor thing.

If this were me? I think I would write one long letter detailing how she failed you as a parent and explaining how the door is now closed to her and you do not want any more contact.

But you are well within your rights to completely ignore her.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

A BitSecretish

Continue to block this toxic mother of yours from your life. Such people as well do not respond to letters because they never take any responsibility for their own actions.

I would suggest you post also on the latest "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these relationship pages. This is a thread about toxic parents. Many of the women on there could relate to what you have written.

[bloomingfedup]

Ignore, ignore, ignore. I would not let this person back into your life. I don't speak to my family and feel that I am a much happier, confident person.

[ActingNormal]

I agree with goodasgold and chipmonkey that writing a letter and telling her what happened, how it made you feel and how it has affected your life might make you feel better in a small way. I wrote a letter to the people who hurt me and felt massive relief that I had at last said the things they wouldn't allow me to say in the past and no longer had to be silent. I also felt less like they had 'got away with it' without having to look at what they did and how crap it was.

But I also agree with Attila that if you are expecting a particular response you are almost certain to be highly dissapointed. Her attitude is very unlikely to have changed since the bad things happened. If you are going to tell her how you felt etc it has to be just because you will feel better saying it and expressing it, not because you want her to say sorry etc. If her not responding in a certain way is going to make you feel much worse then don't do it, just ignore her and keep her out of your life.

[PurpleOne]

Make sure that door is closed and safely locked from her as you walk away.

I haven't spoke to my mum for a year. I held out the olive branch and shr rammed it down my throat and choked me with it.
I miss my dad and the DC's miss grandad terribly, but their heads are full of their venom too, and it's for the best.

Don't respond and enjoy your life. She will not give you the answers you are looking for. x x