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Should I be expected to leave DS with his incompetent dad?

(9 Posts)
justcantremember Sat 06-Sep-08 22:27:05

DS is 2, his dad hasn't had any lengthy time with him since he was 5 weeks old and never without me. We are not a couple any more as DS's dad asked us to leave - well, locked us out of his house, when DS was 5 weeks old. He chose to have nothing to do with the upbringing of our son and chose to lead his well loved single lifestyle.

Only now he wants time alone with DS to 'bond' - surely he gave this up, by choice, 2 years ago? I just wanted to know how many mum's would happily leave their child with an incompetent childminder?? Should / will I be forced to agree to this?

Just briefly - our relationship was unsettled for many reasons but my Ex pushed me around whilst I was preganant, perforated my eardrum and gave me a black eye previous. I have huge fears of leaving my precious DS with him. He has pushed for solicitors to get involved so he can get access without me - how do I stand on this? At the moment I'm trying to keep him happy all the time and take DS round to his house to see him every weekend, as upsetting as this is as he always causes an upset somehow.

There are a heap of other factors involved here but just at the moment I am truly at my wits end. Any positive, constructive advice would be great.

MrsSnorty Sun 07-Sep-08 00:14:15

I have been through a similar situation and can completely understand how you feel. If you do get solicitors/go to court your XP may end up with supervised contact (initially anyway) due to his past violent behaviour.
Is there a relative or friend that you trust that could be present at the moment instead of you having to be there?
Sorry can't write anymore at the moment as it's so late, but didn't want this to go unanswered.

justcantremember Mon 08-Sep-08 21:32:04

Hello MrsSnorty - thank you for your reply.
The idea of a relative present instead of me would be good but unfortunately my family can't bear him due to his behaviour towards me and also his attitude when DS was born and we were locked out. I don't blame them one little bit. His relatives are not around our area anymore either - he is a bit of a loner now!!
Supervised contact would be at a contact centre wouldn't it? That has been suggested before to me when I've had to seek legal advice. XP is not a very constant character and some weekends he's fine but the bad ones are really not nice and not good for either me or DS.
I'd be very interested to hear how you got on with your situation when you get a moment - its so tough and always playing on my mind.

Mamazon Mon 08-Sep-08 21:35:00

His incompetence would not be a reason for a court to refuse him access. his violance would.

I was going to suggest some contact sessions with you there to watch and insturct hi on what to do but given your last sentance obviously that is not appropriate.

do you have a family member that would be able to facilitate?

do you think he cares enough to take this to court? it may be that if you are stubborn enough he will back down.

umberella Mon 08-Sep-08 21:36:54

No way I would want him alone with my baby either - I would push for supervised access if anything at all. The fact he has been violent to you is very worrying from that point of view.

solidgoldbrass Mon 08-Sep-08 21:43:05

Is his violence on record? Ie did you have medical treatment and tell the medical staff that your injuries were caused by him, and have the police ever been called out due to his assaults on you?
If so, refuse all contact without supervision and tell him you'll see him in court. The courts will not take the side of a man who is demonstrably violent and will not force you to allow unsupervised access as there will be a proven risk to your DS.
If not, your position may be slightly trickier as his lawyers will claim that you are a selfish bitch making up the allegations of violence because you want to punish him for ending your relationship: however, if you have friends/relatives who knew at the time that he was violent and if you have photographs of your bruises the courts will probably still find in your favour.

Mamazon Mon 08-Sep-08 21:58:27

if it is taken to court you will have what is called a fact finding hearing.
this is essentially a court case within a court case. its a mini trial where you will make a fomral statement and give testimony as to what happened during teh relationship and the violant behaviour, he will give his side. you will both be able to provide any evedence you ahave and can call witnesses to back up your side of events.

the judge will then decide which version of events she finds more creditable. the rest of teh access case will be based upon th efindings of that hearing.

If the judge agree's with you that he was violant then all future decisions about him havong access will have to be made in consideration of the fact that he has a history of violance toward you.

But be warned, having a violant past does not mean that he will not get access, nor does it mean he will get supervised access.
Supervision costs a lot of money and is only ever a short term thing. most orders like this only last 6 months and both parties are encouraged to find an alternative solution once this is over.

court cases are long and dranw out and can be incredibly expensive.
If there is any althernative to this course of action then my advice would be to take it (from someone with an extremely violant ex, 2 children 1 of whom has SN and is now 4 years into her contact case)

justcantremember Tue 09-Sep-08 21:17:51

Thank you all so much for your advice, it is all greatly appreciated. It is all so hard to know what to do and where this will end up which really bothers me every single day x

justcantremember Tue 09-Sep-08 21:17:55

Thank you all so much for your advice, it is all greatly appreciated. It is all so hard to know what to do and where this will end up which really bothers me every single day x

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