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Anyone left a wealthy man for a poor one and not regretted it?

(30 Posts)
definitelynamechanging Sat 06-Sep-08 11:30:13

Am thinking of breaking up the happy home - have spent years thinking I wouldn't do it because don't want to destroy dh and dcs, but I don't think I can go on being with someone I don't love. Have met someone wonderful, but it would mean a HUGE change in lifestyle, which would be fine if it was just me, but I'm worried about how everyone else will cope and whether they will hate me for it and whether their material happiness is worth more than my emotional happiness. Any thoughts?

CountessDracula Sat 06-Sep-08 11:51:59

I think if you are going to break up the family home you shouldn't leave to be with someone else. It will cause massive resentment all round surely?

Anna8888 Sat 06-Sep-08 11:56:30

I don't agree with CD in a general sort of way because I think it creates much more stability for children when one of their parents (at least) has a "two-adult family" after a break up. And, usually, that means that the circumstances of the family are not as reduced as drastically as they might be if both ex-parents become single parent families.

However, that theory doesn't hold if you are planning to leave your H for someone much less well off.

Think about it hard. Your children might not like the reduced circumstances you will be living in and will not understand your choice at all.

ViolentFemme Sat 06-Sep-08 11:59:56

I did it pre children and quite frankly haven't looked back. Money isn't everything and I'm a much happier person now (and I married the "poor one"!).

That said, with dc involved everything is more complicated and I agree with Anna8888.

CountessDracula Sat 06-Sep-08 12:03:10

I wasn't just thinking of the children

If the op leaves her dh because she is unhappy and doesn't want to be with him, moves out etc then surely it would be more civil and better for everyone than if she suddenly runs off with someone else.

That is a lot of trauma

Soapbox Sat 06-Sep-08 12:03:47

I agree with CD - very much so. Not just from the 'right thing to do' angel, but also because, I think when new relationships start, especially moving in together, it is harder if you are dealing with all the emotional fall out of an old relationship. I think your new relationship deserves a better start than that. A chance to lose yourselves in the excitement of starting a shared life together, rather than the bleakness of picking over an old life.

What ages are the children? If they are school aged then I would think carefully about whether they would choose to live with you and your reduced circumstances or whether actually they will choose to stay with their father and the lives and friends that they have known. Even if they are smaller, you need to be aware that as teenagers, when these things matter more, they may leave you and choose to live with their father instead. Could you cope with that? Is this new relationship important enough to you to live with the guilt of that happening in the future?

Soapbox Sat 06-Sep-08 12:04:42

oops angle not angelgrin

Podrick Sat 06-Sep-08 12:10:53

Don't underestimate how much difference it will make to your kids to have a happy mother.

It is also important for you to have a healthy relationship with your partner because this will be a strong model for good or bad for their own future relationships.

Good luck!

ViolentFemme Sat 06-Sep-08 12:12:19

I like the idea of a "right thing to do" angel...

Anna8888 Sat 06-Sep-08 12:15:54

Agree with Podrick on the enormous positive difference it might make to your children to have a happy mother (if you are very unhappy now it will be consuming a lot of energy). If you really, truly think you will be much happier with the new man (despite reduced circumstances) it may well be much the best thing for the whole family.

My DP is a great advocate of the "happy parent" thing - he fully admits he was sometimes a very neglectful father when he was unhappily married; he is a very devoted and attentive father now.

WideWebWitch Sat 06-Sep-08 12:17:31

How reduced? I think if you won't be able to afford to feed your children then you need to think again. And I agree it's not the best start for a relationship, nor the best thing for your children to see you go straight into a new relationship. And how do you know that will stand the test of living together and bringing up children (that aren#t his?)

There's a LOT more to consider here than the cash, imo.

charlie1000 Sat 06-Sep-08 12:24:00

I think that money aside, your children are likely to resent you for moving in with another partner so soon. You've got to remember that children put their parents on a pedestal and they will not see this coming. If you're unhappy then go about it gradually. You need to find your own feet first and then move on slowly once you have introduced children to new partner etc.
I agree that children will strive from having happy parents but when they see their father alone and suffering they may hold this against you. Tread cautiously. I come from a broken home and have seen it from a child's perspective

definitelynamechanging Sat 06-Sep-08 21:16:36

Thanks for your answers - sorry I couldn't respond sooner but I'm trying not to be spotted at home writing this!

DCs are 9 and 11. It wouldn't be an option to stay with their dad due to his working hours and travelling abroad, otherwise that would be fine with me. I know it will be a shock to them, that's what's stopped me from doing anything for many years, but I didn't have any reason to rock the boat before now and I've reached a point where I think I'll burst if I don't leave. I hope that Podrick is right about the dcs being happy if their mum is.

allgonebellyup Sat 06-Sep-08 21:25:11

i dont think you should rush into this new relationship at all, let alone think of moving you and your kids in with him.
How do you know he will be able to cope with another mans kids?

i think your children will find it all quite hard to leap from one family set-up to another, surely its best to be on your own for a while, ie a couple of years?

traceybath Sat 06-Sep-08 21:26:57

Is it possible you're just going through a bad patch? Were you in love with your DH once?

I'm afraid that i think that with children of that age they would most probably be hugely resentful if you left their father for someone else and then their lifestyle's changed so dramatically.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't leave your DH but you need to make sure you're leaving for the right reasons.

poppy34 Sat 06-Sep-08 21:28:55

have to say agree with allgonebelly up - there is a lot of adjusting to be done personally and for you dc. Agree with whoever said that dc will find it hard to adjust to new circs and may not take to your new partner - a major change in circs may add to that.

Plus I may be massively oversimplifying it here but the fact that there is another person involved may make the split more acrimonious with your dh which even with careful handling is going to be picked up by your kids.

That said I don't think the money thing per se is definitely a bar to future happiness -just that breaking up and moving onto a new dp quite quickly can be very difficult.

LuLuMacGloo Sat 06-Sep-08 21:28:56

How old/established is the 'new' relationship?

Elasticwoman Sat 06-Sep-08 21:31:25

"dcs being happy if their mum is" is an excuse to behave as badly as you like and you know it.

Sorry but I have seen that one so often on MN it just makes me cross.

Your dc didn't ask to be born. You made vows at your wedding to your dh, presumably of your own free will. And now, just for your own personal happiness you are prepared to jettison their happiness and hoping the dc will forgive you.

Well if they do, it won't be because you deserve it.

LuLuMacGloo Sat 06-Sep-08 21:34:49

Reason I'm asking is to try and establish whether this has been an on-going thing(ie you have had time to become convinced that he's 'the one') or whether it is new and you are in the first flushes?

For everyone's sake (you, kids etc) I would be tempted to take it slowly. At a risk of sounding like my mother if he's for you he won't go by you and will wait around until you have had time to be sure of what you're doing.

If you are that unhappy I would try living independently for a bit without introducing the complications of a third party.

twinsetandpearls Sat 06-Sep-08 21:37:56

I have left a wealthy man and am now with a comparatively poor man and very happy. A loyal supportive partner, contented family life and great sex are worth much more than designer bags.

I did not leave one man for the other though.

twinsetandpearls Sat 06-Sep-08 21:39:20

Actually I am talking bollocks he is not poor and earns above the average salary, I left a flash Harry with more money that personality and am now with a man who contributes to our more average life.

twinsetandpearls Sat 06-Sep-08 21:41:16

I also left when dd was a baby, I doubt I would break up our family home now as dd is very settled, even if I suspected I could be happier elsewhere.

jasper Sat 06-Sep-08 22:37:45

I left a wealthy husband to live alone in poverty.

I did not take a penny because he was the one who had earned it all.(he offered half)

No kids at the time.
No regrets

KiwiKat Sat 06-Sep-08 23:03:26

The question you really need to ask yourself is "Can I live my life without this new man in it?" And if the answer is no, then that's your decision. But I agree with earlier posters, that you need to leave your dh because you no longer want to be in a relationship with him, and be by yourself for a while before you commit to someone else. Sometimes the people who we're tempted to leave our relationships for are catalysts in that they highlight the dissatisfactions we feel in our existing relationship, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they are the right choice for us after our circumstances have changed.

Earlybird Sat 06-Sep-08 23:32:41

If your leave your dh to be on your own, your dh/dc/friends/family/etc will accept that the relationship was deeply troubled and needed to end. If you leave to be with another man, you (and the new man) will be to 'blame' and there will be, imo, much more anger/hurt/upset/hostility - which will completely obscure the 'broken' marriage.

So, completely agree with all others who have said it before me, that you should leave the marriage to be on your own for awhile. If you then want/choose to enter into another relationship a while later, things should be 'easier' - though, it is never 'easy' to end a marriage.

Again imo, much better to end a marriage because it wasn't working than to break up a marriage because of an affair (no matter how serious).

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