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I have left my boyfriend

(20 Posts)
Mum2OliverJames Sat 06-Sep-08 11:25:08

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now and we have an 8 month DS, he has always been violent to me since we moved in together, it got worse when i got pregnant (among other things he broke my nose and split my head open when i was 9 months!)and it has been bad since our ds came along, he has tried to strangle me several times and ha had me on the floor kicking me. he gets enjoyment out of pretnding to hit me and watching me flinch.

but yesterday i finished it, he just went too far and hurt our son. he was in a bad mood and kept shouting at me while i was holding our son so i asked him to go back to work, he refused so i asked him if he would play with our ds while i did some housework, which he refused, he decided he would rather go to work so he left and slammed the door, it didnt brake so he slammed it again, it still didnt brake so he put his fist through it, we were standing behind the door because i had ran to lock the door(i have on many occasion had to lock him out for our safety)and my ds and i got covered it glass, my ds looked like something out of a horror movie with blood running all down his face and in his hair (luckily they were not deep or big cuts)and so did i

I know i shouldnt have left it this long before i got rid of him but we recently moved to a new area so he could be near work and its nowhere near my parents and i dont know anybody near so i guess i just put up with it because i didnt have anybody to turn too.

i feel so guilty for letting it get to the stage where he hurt my son.

i really thought i was ok until i was packing all his stuff and i came across my first mothers day card and realised that we wont be celebrating mothers day because there will be no-one to make it special with him. i know it is a stupid and selfish thing to get upset over, i really thought that i would be fine wothout him.

i have told my parents everything(they didnt have a clue)so i wouldnt be tempted to go back with him - just feel so scared at the thought of doing everything on my own, there are so many things i dont know how to do because he would alwayd do them, like pay bills and do banking.

i dont really know what i expect anyone to say, i guess i just needed to let it out. i dont even know if you will beleive me because i tried asking for help on here when i was pregnant(under a different account) and i basically got called a liar.

i dont even know if this makes any sense, because i cant see the screen properly through tears.

foofi Sat 06-Sep-08 11:47:48

So sorry to hear you've been having such an appalling time. I have nothing helpful to say to you as I have never been in that situation, but didn't want your thread to go unanswered.

Well done for having the strength to leave him and good luck with the next bit.

masalachameleon Sat 06-Sep-08 11:53:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Imnotok Sat 06-Sep-08 11:54:59

Well done you , you have done the right thing .

Mamazon Sat 06-Sep-08 11:58:26

well done for getting him out of teh house.

if you know of me you will know that i have also been through similar so if you want to add me to MSN and chat off board i am happy to cat you with my details.

first things first, you need to make sure he cannot get back in. change the locks, get someone round to mend the door.
First thing monday you need to get a non molestation order against him preventing him from harassing you.
I cna talk you through that later.

But for now, of course we believe you. i am astounded you were treated unsympathetically when you posted before.
I have been where you are now and i am still here, fighting hard and staying strong 4 years later. it will get easier i promise

Lizzylou Sat 06-Sep-08 12:00:08

Oh, poor you and your poor DS.
At least you are on the way to getting him out of both your lives. You need to be strong for you and your son.
Are your parents in a position to help you out? Would you move back nearer to them?
Well done for getting rid of this lowlife, things could have got far worse, he sounds a despicable bully.

solo Sat 06-Sep-08 12:00:44

Well done for leaving him. I have been in that situation, but luckily(I can see that now)we didn't have children.
I didn't know how to pay the bills or manage the money, but you learn how to. I'm sure your parents will help you and show you how. It isn't easy being a single parent, but there are many, many of us and it can be done.
I understand entirely about the Mothers Day thing. I didn't get a Mothers Day card for my first one and my heart broke. My parents assumed that I would get one from my Ds's father. He on the other hand is an arse and couldn't have cared less. The following year I got two! I'm sure your parents will ensure you get one and you only need you and your baby to have a special Mothers Day.
Stay strong and resolved. You can do it! <<>>

Alambil Sat 06-Sep-08 12:21:27

If he comes back - dial 999...

You've done well to get him out the house - do as Mamazon says and make sure he can't get back in

Your DS and you will be MUCH better off now; I promise.

And as for:

"i really thought i was ok until i was packing all his stuff and i came across my first mothers day card and realised that we wont be celebrating mothers day because there will be no-one to make it special with him. i know it is a stupid and selfish thing to get upset over, i really thought that i would be fine wothout him."

Maybe your mum will buy a card and gift with DS? Or a friend; don't despair - you will figure something out

Keep posting on here when you feel you can/want to - there's a lot of support to be had

You could also talk to Womens Aid if you need professional/legal advice

Alambil Sat 06-Sep-08 12:22:55

oh Ps - bills and banking; ask your parents to help set up direct debit and things then all you need to do is make sure you have the money in the account in time (about a day before they come out)

batters Sat 06-Sep-08 12:26:52

Take pride in the fact that you have done the right thing . I know of so many women that stay with their partners even after the children are abused.

NotDoingTheHousework Sat 06-Sep-08 12:37:47

Message withdrawn

Mum2OliverJames Sat 06-Sep-08 21:03:09

Thank you so much for all your support, my mum and dad have said they will make sure we have everything we need and to just try and concentrate on paying the bills and buying food. i thought they would be mad at me for not staying with him (they are the guarentors for our rented house) but they said they would rather have to remorgage the house(if it came too it)than me stay with him!

i just feel like such a failure i am only 22 and i honestly thought it was going to be my fairytale and it was going to be forever, an now i am just another statistic. I only ever wanted my ds to have the family that i had when i was growing up, i know it will be best for him though.

i have been a wreck all day i just keep blubbering over stupid things, like little sayings we used to have, i would say them and then realsie that he used to say them, i just wish he had got help when i asked him to, many times, i would ask him to get anger management.

Mamazon could i please have your msn, i dont really have anyone i feel ready to talk to except my parents.

thanks again guys smile

ToughDaddy Sun 07-Sep-08 09:36:15

you will look back and be proud that you did the right thing. Your ex has to take responsibility for HIS OWN actions; it's not your fault. It is great that you have supportive parents. At 22 you obviously have a long future ahead so don't your ex rob you and DS of normal lives.

possiblymaybe Sun 07-Sep-08 09:51:28

Unfortunately when you have a child, especially very young one, you have to put your own life on hold and forget about your own happiness for a time being..

That's why, no matter how much you will miss your partner (and you will miss him and you will start thinking soon that he isn't that bad) you cannot get back to him because it would be unsafe for your child.

And believe me Social Services would take a very dim view of you if they got even a hint of what has happened (I assume you didn't call the police and).

It is going to be very hard but you have your family to help you..I know because I was in similar situation

Wishing you strength and wisdom to make a right decision

Mum2OliverJames Sun 07-Sep-08 10:38:50

I was going to go to the police station and report it and everything that has happened on monday, because he always said to me that if we split up he will make sure my ds is taken off of me(because he knows he is my whole world)and i wanted to make sure that he had no credibility, but if you say that social services will take a dim view that i didnt call the police maybe i shouildnt, but surely its better late than never?

i was talking to my ex on msn last night and he honestly believed that he was just going to come home after this had blown over and it was all going to be 'ok'

its so hard becaue ds misses his daddy, he keeps looking around for him and crawling off to find him, and it is taking so long for him to go to sleep, its heartbreaking, but i know i have to just stay away from him because he is poisonous

i know i sound like a real loser but i have just been sitting around or trying to pack his this just sobbing because i dont have anyone i can talk to.i miss him so much but at the same time i just wish i had finished it before we had a child together because its not fair on ds(i would never wish ds gone though)

I know i am weak! that is why i told my parents (and his mum) exactly what has happened, so i cant go back, i know my parents wouldnt let me.

Mamazon Sun 07-Sep-08 12:00:15

m2jo - i cant CAT you as yoru not accpeting emails. go to your registration and just change it back to accepting them.

You should DEFINITLY report what happened to police. if he does attempt to get custody it will be able to support your side of events. yes there will be criticism that you reported it late but you also have this thread which can be used in court. it can show that the "accusations" you are making were not just thought up in an attempt to prevent him gaing access.

As for social services. i am so angry that someone would give you such negative advice.
if you had been assaulted and you had stayed with him then yes...they would not be happy as they would know the damage that witnessing and being involved with domestic abuse can cause.
but you have done all you can to protect your child now and as such they will offer you as much support as they can.

It will probably be little more than an assesment and then some information about local help. but they certainly wont try and take your child away or judge you as a poor mum.

As for being a statistic. i had the exact same feelings. i hated the fact that i was going to be looked at as "just a single mum"
but at the end of the day..who cares what other people think so long as you and Lo are safe.

possiblymaybe Sun 07-Sep-08 15:09:07

Gosh Mum2OliverJames

I'm sorry I wasn't clear in my previous post.

What I wanted to say is that SS would intervene if they knew that you are continuing to stay with abusive partner who is a danger to you and your child..

They definitely will be supportive of your decision to leave him and make life better for yourself and your ds

Please go to police and report the incident

Renaissancewoman Sun 07-Sep-08 15:27:58

Mum2OliverJames - well done you. You have the chance of getting the fairy tale you wanted now. You are not a loser. Some women suffer a lifetime of crap like you experienced, you chose to end it while you and your boy are very young and can start a great life without your ex. Just know that your ex will not change - he will only get worse and had you have stayed with him your boy would have grown up thinking it was acceptable and normal for Daddy to scare Mummy by pretending to hit her or worse. Re what he said about social services - that just sounds like standard 'put down remarks' made by a violent man. You are a good Mum and there is no way social services would do anything other than support you. Make sure you don't listen to what your ex says.

zoo123 Sun 07-Sep-08 18:28:10

Sorry to hear that you're having such a bad time, you sound like a very strong-minded woman to have left your partner in these circumstances.

I thought that I ought to come on board to say that social services _would not_ take a 'dim view' if they knew what had happened, they would/will do everything to support you. If you feeling threatened by your partner in any way then don't hesitate to call the police. One of the highest risk times for dv is when a woman starts to leave (as well as pregnancy, that is).

zoo123 Sun 07-Sep-08 18:32:02

I've just read mamazon's post and she is right, listen to her. You could also call your HV tomorrow and ask to see her, she will also be able to record what has happened and point you in the right direction for help locally.

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