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(4 Posts)
MrsFlittersnoop Fri 05-Sep-08 23:51:03

I haven't posted here before, but would welcome some advice and opinions. Sorry this is so long, but I am suffering from an anxiety attack and I can't talk to anyone in RL about this.

DH and I have been married for 5 years. We had a rough start to married life. we were both made redundant just before the wedding, and DH was out of work for almost a year, during which time I helped him set up his own company.

3 years ago DH had an accident and was in and out of hospital for 9 months. He has fully recovered, and over the last 2 years has built up a successful business. We now have a modest but comfortable lifestyle, and I thought our relationship had never been stonger.

SIL recently sold her old laptop to DH. He deleted her stuff, (so he thought) copied all my documents over from the old PC and gave it to me to use. Yesterday I found some documents in my folder which I didn't recognise and opened one. I saw that it was a letter SIL had written to a friend 2 year ago giving an update on family news, in which she describes DHs life as "lurching from one catastophe to another", citing his accident and his marriage to me in particular.

Apparently " Mrs F. has been drinking away all his money as fast as he could earn it". She wrote that he had walked out of our marriage for a while, but had "relented",and come home, and our marriage was still "touch and go". She also wrote, "Extraordinarily, Mrs F. didn't come to visit him once while he was in hospital!".

DH and I have NEVER separated, or even considered it. I am not an alcoholic and could never have drunk away all his earnings (£1,500 per week at the time this letter was written!) Apart from anything else, I have always paid the housekeeping bills myself and and can afford my own Chardonnay.

I WAS unable to visit DH in hospital after his accident because I was on the other side of the country nursing my 77 year old mother after a major operation which left her completely bedridden for almost a month. She went private so that she could schedule the op during DS's summer holidays and I could take care of her until she was mobile again. I had my DS (then 8) with me. I don't drive, and we have no other family or friends nearby who could help her. DH's family were fully aware of the situation (so I thought).

I handle all our finances, deal with his book-keeping and all the bills, have juggled debts, taken out loans and run up my credit cards ( he can't get credit himself and has a bad credit rating) to keep our family afloat. I have always worked, albeit it part-time and freelance to fit in with DS. For a long time my income kept a roof over our heads.

DH made some very unwise business decisions before we got married, and ended up £25K in debt. He hid this from me for almost 2 years beause I suspected the scheme in question was a scam, and he promised me he wouldn't invest in it. He then lied to me about his debts. When I found out, I almost broke off our engagement, but we went to Relate and sorted things out. We accumulated more debt while he was out of work both before and after his accident and we have just finished paying off £35K of debt. I realise now that his family have been blaming me all along for his financial difficulties .

DH is staying with his family ATM because my FIL has cancer and is undergoing major surgery next week. DH completely denies having said anything to SIL to make her think any of these allegations are true. I don't believe him. I can't bring this up with SIL because FIL is so ill. I haven't seen my inlaws since our wedding, because they all suffer from poor health, won't travel and find visitors very stressful. According to my DH that is. He visits them regularly. I now suspect they want nothing to do with me or DS because he has been slandering me all along to cover up for his money problems.

I couldn't sleep at all last night and am still shaking. What can I do?

gigglewitch Fri 05-Sep-08 23:56:31

is it an option to put the whole lot on paper, think and re-think wherever possible and set the record straight? don't know if this is the wisest course of action - and then you get to decide whether to send it or not - and who to....
am no good at advising on stuff like this, just wanted to answer your post in some way, you explain so elequently and the whole thing seems soooooo unjust sad

Carmenere Sat 06-Sep-08 00:04:15

Well the most obvious thing is that he has been blaming you for his shortcomings, which is pretty bloody awful.
I think that the best thing to do might be to leave it until FIL is better. sorry can't be more help.

MrsFlittersnoop Sat 06-Sep-08 00:15:30

Thanks for your replies - that was quick!

I obviously can't make a fuss about this right now, but I feel gutted and betrayed.

Unfortunately there is a precedent in all this. Before our marriage when DH ran up his debts, I realised he was in a financial mess, and asked for an explanation. He was in a well-salaried job at the time, but never had any money, and his bank statments were being sent to his parent's address.

He told me that his uncle, who had recently died from an alcohol-related disease, had not being paying the mortgage on the house he shared with his elderly sister, and the house was about to be repossesed. He said he had taken out a £10K loan to pay off her arears, and that it had to be kept a secret from the rest of the family because his aunt was so ashamed.

All complete pants of course. The truth came out a year later when he had to confess the full extent of his debts.

His uncle's alcoholism caused his family a huge amount of grief over the years. They have a huge fear of the consequences of heavy drinking. I can see how easy it would have been for him to use this story to gain sympathy.

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