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Sat crying as I've just seen my exfiances wedding photos. Made such a mess of my of my life.

(15 Posts)
jamum Fri 05-Sep-08 22:40:43

I'm married with one lo. I split from my ex 10 years ago and kept in very loose contact (once or twice a year contact).
I knew he was getting married last year and although was a bit upset carried on quite happy.

But due to the joys of facebook I've now seen his wedding photos (which were lovely) and I know I've made such a mess of my life. He was the one and only man I ever loved, the only man who has stayed in my thoughts, even though we split up 10 years ago. We were together for 4 years and engaged to be married when I split it up.

I'm also married and muddle along ok, but have never loved dh in the same way.

Just feel really sorry for myself and need a kick up the bum. But can't help feeling that I had the man of my dreams and let him go.

MrsBates Fri 05-Sep-08 22:41:55

Why did you split it up? Something must have felt not quite right?

stirlingmum Fri 05-Sep-08 22:45:36

You know, it is so easy to keep someone on a pedestal when they are not around to let you down.

He would have probably really annoyed you in some way (looking on the bright side!). smile

jamum Fri 05-Sep-08 22:48:25

I was away at uni, he stayed at home and I stupidly met someone else and left him. At the time I regretted it almost immediately, but by then it was too late.

In the last ten years I've often woken up feeling homesick for him (does that make any sense?)and never for any other ex.

Anyway it's all academic now, nothing is ever going to change, I just want to know how to finally get over him.

MrsBates Fri 05-Sep-08 23:10:31

Bloody facebook.

Can you think of 5 good things in your life now? And then add one at the end of each day?

I guess he is the man of your dreams because your dreams are where he exists. Might not be so dreamy in real life. If you'd been that sure you'd have stayed with him I bet.

mrswotzisnotin Fri 05-Sep-08 23:26:21

Facebook - another good reason to not join.

I am sure your life now has too much to offer to waste looking back on what ifs. If you do look back all the time you will only make yourself and those around you sad until at some point you will ruin anything good that you have now.

Yingers74 Fri 05-Sep-08 23:30:06

Jamun - Don't do this to yourself. We all look back and airbrush all the bad stuff so first love looks so rosy but the reality may have been different. Your reality is here and now not in the pages of facebook. Go back and try and remember why you married your dh, his good qualities and the experiences you have enjoyed together.

Your ex is married now and sorry to say this but probably does not think much about you so this torture you are putting yourself through truly is pointless. Wake up tomorrow and make a decision to stop!

I am sorry if i sound harsh. I really hope you feel better soon.

babbi Fri 05-Sep-08 23:48:38

"unrequited / unfinished love is the only kind that lasts "
Very good quote from Allison Pearson`s book "I don`t know how she does it "

I thought this line was brilliant as things or people far away in our memories can be polished to a very high shine in our minds as others have said real love and the here and now are reality. Not as polished but reality ...
I spend time occasionally fantasising about past this and that and then DH walks in.. I don`t polish him (!) but he is a star that has lasted the course !!!

My advice is to live for now and the future and think fondly of the past ....

Ps I walked past an ex with my mother last week , he was pushing his 4th daughter in her buggy .. felt odd as he had said to me in a loose conversation many years ago that he would love to have 4 children. I agreed.
He has his 4 I only have 1 !! Would have loved more.

However I rejoice in my daughter and count my blessings -- she is worth 4 of any other kids !!

Try to count your blessings xx

jamum Sat 06-Sep-08 01:06:10

Thank you everyone - you are of course so right.

MollyCherry Sat 06-Sep-08 01:11:41

Hi jamum,

I know it probably sounds a bit dramatic but if you think it's affecting your relationship with your DH, have you thought about having some counselling to work through it?

I split up with my first love and even when I got engaged to my husband over 3 years later I still had issues with my feelings for ex. I had cognitive therapy and found it really helpful.

I've now been with hubby for 12 years, married for 5 1/2 and we have a gorgeous girl of 4. Am still in touch with ex's parents - he got married 4 years ago and they had a baby boy last year. Have seen pics of both and totally fine with it all.

My only regret is that although we kept in touch for a few years after splitting up we eventually fell out and I would have loved to have stayed friends.

solidgoldbrass Sat 06-Sep-08 01:38:38

About this time last year I was out with my DS, my ex and his DW and their DD, all of us having a lovely time at the Essex County Show. And X and I had a giggly moment of saying to each other ' did you ever imagine, 10 years ago that we would one day be standing here at an agricultural show with our respective DC running round our legs?' It was surreal but pleasant. Thing is, eventually, XPs stop being anything to worry about, they either become friends or vague memories. Well, unless they are/were complet arses.

blondemum Sat 06-Sep-08 09:31:14

I promise that you will get over him. You are just seeing him happy and at the monent you are not happy.

If you were with him now, would you be blissful. I doubt it. Something was missing at the time when you were together to make you stray.

You are a positive person I can tell. You have looked back on your relationship with him with happiness and positive thoughts. That's a good thing.

It sounds to me like you are not where you want to be with your husband. Something is missing.
I remember looking at photos' of my ex at his wedding. I felt this lurching it my stomach. It wasn't right seening him happy. Even though I dumped him after 6 yrs I still hated seeing him happy. (he was very smelly!!).

See where things are not right with your husband. Is it the chase? lack of romance? Have things gone stale? No effort into wooing you?.

Look at your wedding photos! I bet you look great and blissfully happy. Go on get them out! chin up gorgeous. grin

jamum Sat 06-Sep-08 19:23:58

Thank you again everyone. I know you are all absolutely right, But I still feel so sad. Was so upset last night that dh asked what was wrong and eventually got it out of me. It hurt him so much, and has been really nice to me all day. I don't deserve him to be so nice about it, just like I don't deserve to have been with my ex.

Just feel like I've made a total mess, and made some awful, childish decisions in my past, and that I've made my bed and now have to lie in it.

I know I don't love dh, but he is my child's father and I know he loves me and won't ever leave me, and I have nowhere to go, so feel a bit trapped, but mostly just feel so sad most of the time.

onlyanauntie Sat 06-Sep-08 19:34:22

I concur with the comment 'Bloody Facebook'.
It caused me to have an emotional affair that almost made me ruin everything. We are all naturally curious people and knowing too much can be deadly.
I urge people not to join - or at least, not to 'make friends' with people who might dig up the past . . .

jamum Sat 06-Sep-08 20:02:03

I agree, but it's so addictive. I know I'd be happier if I'd never discovered facebook.

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