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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

struggling to be supportive

16 replies

mulberry · 11/02/2003 21:27

DH and I have always been o really good/stable couple but I really feel at the moment that I can't take on much more responsibilty;his father's business has just gone down the tubes,the death has been a long and painful one to which Dh's mother has been pretty much oblivious to (FIL has kept her in the dark,but this has not been difficult to do)They will have to sell the house but will get some of the equity but will struggle financially,she is distraught,and I am spending a lot of time bolstering her confidence and dh helping with practical stuff and the legal side.The upshot of this long story is that basically we will have to be the main financial providers for them if not immediately then certainly within 5 years ,we always knew this would happen eventually but had hoped that we would at least get ds1 through secondry school (currently year4)It's not that I begrudge the money ,but its just always been like having two extra children the rely on us for so much support,I am currently not working,worked after first two but decided when no.3 was born to spoil ourselves and I would stay at home for a couple of years,must go back now,also will have to sell house probably in order to help them with housing in some way.I know I should be more supportive but to be honest am terrified at the prospect of so much responsibity for the next 30 years,cannot sleep and have developed eczema on arms etc.Shouted at dh tonight about it and he went ballistic.Can't talk to friends here aas small comunity and it would not be fair ion MIL and FIL.I think I am going to go mad.Sorry for this rant but just needed to tell someioneHave changed my nickname as don't want this to colour any other conversations.

OP posts:

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emsiewill · 11/02/2003 21:36

mulberry, sorry, no real advice for you, but just wanted to give my sympathy, and hope that you can get through this somehow. Presumably there's no other family who can help? Has your FIL checked what benefits etc he is entitled to - or is it none because of the equity in the house? It seems such a lot for you to take on - presumably dh shouted because he is worried / stressed. too. I will be thinking of you.

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zebra · 11/02/2003 21:37

Oh my gosh -- sorry, but which of your ILs is terminally ill?? MIL? anyway, no wonder you're stressed out!

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zebra · 11/02/2003 21:37

Der... I get it; the business is what's died.

Ok, still sounds awful. I think you'll just have a long hard time working through?

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WideWebWitch · 11/02/2003 21:40

Mulberry, sorry to hear this. I understand why you and DH would want to support his parents but selling your house?! It seems an extreme form of support to me. I'm not surprised you're terrified at the thought of the responsibility, anyone would be. I do think families should help each other but I think you can help without selling your house, having to go back to work (if you don't want to or if it's not financially viable) etc. What sort of business is it? i.e is it limited, a partnership etc? Do they have to lose their house, was it collateral? Don't tell us if you don't want to. Anyway, that's my first and honest reaction, may write more later.

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Chinchilla · 11/02/2003 21:41

Why do you have to be the main financial providers for them? If you cannot afford it, then how can you? I would not have been half as supportive as you if the situation was mine, although I would offer them a room at my house until they found their feet again. They are adults, and I would have considered my children as my main priority. Do they expect you to sell your house for them? I feel really sorry for you being put in this situation

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AngieL · 11/02/2003 21:41

I don't understand why you have to support your mil and fil. Am I missing something or am I just really mean? Does you dh feel a sense of responsibility towards them or are you involved in the business in some way?

Are your pil expecting you to financially support them, it seems really unfair that you might have to sell your house.

Sorry, I haven't helped at all just asked you more questions. I'm not surprised you are worried and upset, I would be to.

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clucks · 11/02/2003 21:43

Mulberry

I do sympathise, I also have dependent parents, though it is generally easier to take on your own rather than in-laws. I think you need to make sure they understand that their standard of living is going to change and that you will not be able to maintain them to the standard they might like. For instance, they probably could get a council flat instead of say a suburban bungalow etc. Your first duty is to your children and whilst you must help out your unfortunate in-laws they will need to understand the limits.

I agree that they will probably be able to get benefits/housing help and you may have to do the chasing up for them to make life easier for your own family in the long term. I am sorry I dont have much else to offer but wish you all the best.

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mulberry · 11/02/2003 21:53

Thanks,feel a bit silly whining on like this,I know that in the abstract they are adults etc but dh would not see them on the streets and we certainly could not live with them although maybe a house with a granny flat would be a possibility.Part of the problem lies in where we live,small old town very affluent and very 1950s evrybody knows everyones business and they are very well known I think they know that they will have to change their lifestyle but think that both would probably die if had to live in council flat partly because what few there are in this area are awlful but partly the shame as they would see it.We are going to sell anyway but thought we aould use some of the equity to buy a small property which they could let from us but prices here are so high that this looks impossible .

OP posts:

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sobernow · 11/02/2003 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Croppy · 12/02/2003 09:03

I sympathise Mulberry. I had to assume responsibility for hundreds of thousands of pounds of debts when my father died suddenly. I had to buy my mother a house and the mortgage still costs me £600 a month and I have to pay all her other bi It's a dreadful dreadful situation but I felt I didn't have any choice.

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aloha · 12/02/2003 09:44

I'm sorry but I do agree with the others. I know this will sound really harsh, but I think your PIL are incredibly, incredibly selfish to expect you to support them. It's just awful and horrible of them - are they always this selfish? I'm not surprised you are resntful. You have three children - their grandchildren. They must be your priority IMO.

They must have equity in their house (are they selling because it was collateral on the business or because they can't afford it?) so they can surely buy themselves a one bed flat. They can claim they are downsizing so they have to do less housework if they are so proud (but not so proud that they won't take from you!). I don't see why you should have to sell your house. I wouldn't do this - ever. They are adults. Yes, help them, put them up if necessary while they look for a flat, help them find out what benefits they are entitled to (they have to claim benefits - don't accept any excuses on this one. You are not a branch of Social Services.) and help them fill out forms, though if your FIL ran a business this shouldn't be problem for him. If you do buy a small property for them, make damned sure it is in your name and treat it as an investment. If it is in their name you are likely to lose it if they have to go into a care home later on. I do feel for you, particularly because your dh is not being very supportive. I believe that once you marry your loyalty should be to your spouse and kids first and foremost, with parents further down the line.

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aloha · 12/02/2003 09:55

Also, can't your MIL or FIL find a job? I don't see why you have to work so they don't have to. That seems bonkers to me. Who will take care of the children?

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janh · 12/02/2003 10:07

mulberry, has anybody been to CAB or anywhere else for advice on what benefits etc - if any - they are entitled to? Or will they have so much left from selling their house they wouldn't get anything?

I understand that keeping up appearances is very important to them but as aloha said, you are not a branch of Social Services and they shouldn't be taking any money from you that they could be getting from the State.

I suppose moving to a neighbouring town (cheaper, maybe?) isn't an option?

Horrible situation for you - I think you are being really supportive to your DH and his parents - don't think I would in the same situation!

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Clarinet60 · 12/02/2003 10:33

I sympathise with all that has been said.
I think aloha said it best when she said 'but not so proud that they won't take from you'!.
There must be another way?
Good luck.

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bundle · 12/02/2003 11:29

couldn't you all 'downsize' ie if the area you live in is so expensive, you could get a lot for your money elsewhere and live comfortably if it does come to you supporting them? I personally would hate to be struggling to try & keep up with the Joneses rather than live in an ok place and be able to afford little luxuries.

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mulberry · 13/02/2003 12:49

Thanks everyone for all the support.to be honest it has just been nice to be able to tell someone.Just to clear up one thing dh is being very supportive but he just feels desparetly guilty that his family are the cause of the problem,obviously this is ridiculous.Its not so much that they expect us to help its just that as they are totally naive financially (yes he did run his own business and now you can see why it failed!)we just know that we will have to.No doubt everything will work out in the end.Thanks