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Dh is backing me into a corner and I feel so sad.

(41 Posts)
Lonelymum Mon 21-Feb-05 11:14:46

Actually I feel like you did when you were a child and you want the comfort of home but it is home that is the problem so you feel you have nowhere else to go. Does anyone recognise that feeling?

For those who don't know my situation, dh changed jobs last week and moved to a rented house that the firm are providing for us until we can sell our home and buy another one. I want to move too to be with him, but he threw a wobbly last night and said he wants me to stay here until Easter and let the kids finish the term at their present school. I can't bear to be alone for five weeks, but I feel if I move the kids dh will never forgive me. He said I always get my way and he is not going to let me do so this time. I said would you hold it against me for the rest of your life if I moved this week? and he said yes! But I have a phobia which kicks in when I am alone with the kids and he knows about it so how can he do this to me?

I feel so lost. I want to move so I don't have to face my phobia but I am scared to go to him as he will hold it against me all our lives. I know that sounds ridiculous. I have nowhere to go and I am too scared to be on my own.

He is backing me into a corner and I feel very scared and angry and the emotions are making me feel ill all the time. What can I do?

charliecat Mon 21-Feb-05 11:17:58

Awww? Maybe he is trying (however heartlessly) to get you to face up to your fears and realise you will be ok on your own? Have you not survived a few days recently?

Miaou Mon 21-Feb-05 11:20:54

Lonelymum, if your phobia is related to being alone in the house, could you invite your mum/a friend to stay with you for some of the time?

Lonelymum Mon 21-Feb-05 11:30:32

Charliecat, yes doubtless that is what he is trying to do. But if you knew my dh you would know that dealing with people is not his strong point and I don't want him practicing his amateur psychology on me.

Miaou, my phobia is only known about by dh and Mumsnetters. I am deeply ashamed about it and have no sympathetic family available.

iota Mon 21-Feb-05 11:33:27

Sorry to hear this Lonelymum - he does have a point about finishing the term, but knowing about your phobia and that it could strike at any time, I completely understand why you don't want to be alone in the house with the kids.

Not sure what the right answer is

Lonelymum Mon 21-Feb-05 11:34:50

I am just feeling quite mad. 10 years ago he promised to stand by me in sickness and in health. I stand by him and I just want him to stand by me. Is that asking too much?

iota Mon 21-Feb-05 11:39:20

how did you cope for the days that you've been alone so far? how did you feel?

marthamoo Mon 21-Feb-05 11:40:05

It probably is his way of trying to get you to "face down" your phobia. He sounds like many men (sorry, men!) in that he really doesn't understand it and thinks you can pull yourself together. Which you can't, sadly. Are you getting any help for your phobia (I know what it is but won't mention it)? Can you talk to your GP about it? I'm thinking maybe your GP could then talk to your dh and try to explain that you cannot help being so scared of being alone with the kids for five weeks. If going to the doctor is a problem they could make a home visit.

I don't know what else to suggest - your husband is being very hard on you. I really think you need some outside help.

Lonelymum Mon 21-Feb-05 11:49:52

Iota, I coped very badly. I have just had the week from hell TBH. I read other Mners posts about them losing it and being horrible to their kids for a moment and I don;t know where to put myself because I am like that all the time with my children. I am ashamed to say it. Dh thinks I can cope with my phobia because if the worst happens, I deal with it. What he doesn't understand is that I am not coping with the fear of something happening. I hesitate to say this, but I did not take my children out once last week as I was too scared to. It is things like that which show I am not able to function properly which dh just doesn't see or doesn't want to see.

Marthamoo, I did go to my GP but I don't think she understood the problem either. She referred me for counselling but I haven't heard anything further yet.

Mum2girls Mon 21-Feb-05 11:52:06

Lonelymum - I've been 'following' your plight about this - I have no experience of your phobia but can only think that it must be terrifying.

Maybe the thing to do is rather than telling him you can't bear to be on your own, to pursuade dh that the sooner you get settled in your new home, the sooner you can get registered with a GP and maybe get a referral for your phobia... If he thinks that you're doing this for a 'positive' reason, maybe his reaction might be a bit more sympathetic...?

iota Mon 21-Feb-05 11:52:27

oh dear. don't know what to say

Lonelymum Mon 21-Feb-05 12:00:51

Well I have tried to sell him the idea that the sooner the kids settle at their new school the sooner they can get over their grief at moving, but I don't think he was having any of that. Maybe the registering with a GP thing will impress. Doubt it though.

The stupid thing is, there doesn't seem to be two options in my mind. Staying is just not an option. So I am going to go and he is going to hold it against me all my life. GREAT.

charliecat Mon 21-Feb-05 12:04:22

I would chase up the counselling Lonelymumj I really would. Life for you and your kids and even your Dh would be better if you could step even just a little bit sideways from this wouldnt it? Would your family be sympathetic if you did tell them or got someone else too?

Mum2girls Mon 21-Feb-05 12:04:34

Yes, you go. He'll be a bit peed off for a while, but he'll get over it.

Lonelymum Mon 21-Feb-05 12:05:43

Don't know. Parents are doctors so not necessarily very understanding of a phobia about vomiting. Very much of the pull yourself together brigade when it comes to their daughter.

charliecat Mon 21-Feb-05 12:09:29

My mums the same, othe rpeople can have problems and not cope, I have the same problema nd its brushed over...not mentioned, not happening as far as shes concerned.
I second Mum2girls, he will get over it!

Aimsmum Mon 21-Feb-05 12:11:24

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Lonelymum Mon 21-Feb-05 13:12:55

Thanks everyone. I just spoke to dh and he did seem a bit more rational about it. He says he won't hold it against me all my life if the move goes well. (?) I think that is the best I am going to get from him right now.

Aimsmum, your secret is safe with me! (if not with your colleagues!)

Beetroot Mon 21-Feb-05 13:16:02

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Lonelymum Mon 21-Feb-05 13:18:12

What does NLP stand for please? Did you really kick emetophobia? Really Really? You are the first person who has said that to me.

Beetroot Mon 21-Feb-05 13:18:25

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Lonelymum Mon 21-Feb-05 13:18:51

Oh You had me going there!

Beetroot Mon 21-Feb-05 13:19:07

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Beetroot Mon 21-Feb-05 13:19:42

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Beetroot Mon 21-Feb-05 13:20:53

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