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Relationships

Mother and very difficult daughter-big control issues- getting too painful to cope with-how do i cope?

35 replies

sarah7777 · 03/09/2008 09:41

The short story-I have 2 kids and 1 has had problems in her teens.Now 23.

Short story is I looked after my grandaughter for a week. My daughter is getting towards the end of he pregnancy and was asked to work pretty much full time. I had said to her a number of times that we would look after her daughter (who we adore) for a week towards the end of he pregnancy,because I thought it would give her a break.

We did this,but the day before we were due to bring her home,my sons 5 year relationship broke up leaving him homeless and vituallully jobless. Needless to say he was in need of support,and moved in with me.

At the same time (following day) I had picked up a nasty 48-hour virus that was doing the rounds here-giving me severe headaches and feelings of exhaustion.

Explained to my daughter that my son needed me there.I also had to take him to collect his belongings-this was a small family crisis whee you should all pull together.

My daughter responded (in a nutshell) by making series after series of outrageous claims that hurt me deeply. She said I had
been pestering her all summer to look after her daughter,that I was not really ill,that I was trying to "keep " her daughter because i wanted to. I explained non of this was true,but it became clear she didn't care how ill i was,she just wanted me to bring her home.

It was a three and a half hour drive,and there was no way I was safe ,or fit to do that,at that stage.The rest of my family were telling me there was no way I was well enough to take her,and that my daughter was being highly uneasonable,but no amount of talking would help. She even put the phone down on my OH.My son,who saw the effect all this had on my said,she has always been the same. We all know she has a lot or growing up to do.

I can only say,that all my family (in laws and son) know just how much I do for my daughter,including getting a phone installed so I can stand the price of the calls so I can phone her to let her vent off he feelings (she has also fallen out with her in laws).Yet she told me,in this phase,that i ring HER because I want to talk to her (completely missing that we have long calls where she is angry at eveyone,and I do this for her benefit,not mainly mine, and I feel like I have been battered round the head with a brick at the end)

Several people who I have told exactly what she said to me,and previous stuff too are appalled-she also told me if i spoke to her OH he would tell me to f off.)

I took he back to her Mum 3 days late,even though I wasn't quite well enough,she also refused to let me stay over night (often in the past I have had to stay in a hotel)even when I had looked after he daughter .

I do so many small thoughtfull things for her,too numerous to mention,including financial,that the pain of how I am treated is just too hard to bear.

help someone

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sarah7777 · 03/09/2008 09:45

I left it for a couple of weeks to phone her-because I am scared of her-in truth-and she answered very abruptly saying "why have you rung me now " I said i have rung you earlier,but I am going away. She said "Oh ANOTHER holiday" then pretty much very sharp and "I am going now " after 2 minutes. I believe she will in futue efuse to answer my calls and refuse to allow me to see our darling gandaughter.

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Hassled · 03/09/2008 09:57

No good advice but lots of sympathy. I think you were spot on when you said she has a lot of growing up to do - people do mature at vastly different rates and it's very easy to forget that. Remember also that her hormones will be all over the place at the moment so she won't be at her most reasonable.

Despite the new baby, existing grand-daughter etc I think you need to keep your distance for a while. Don't ring for general chats, don't offer help (but continue to provide it obviously when asked, if you are in a position to) and generally let the ball be in her court, not yours. All you can really do is be more hands-off and let her come to you when a bit of time has passed, but make sure she knows she'll always have your support.

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sarah7777 · 03/09/2008 10:08

Thank you for your reply. I had already decided that I needed to take a step back. It is not just now though,but always has been that she has been like this,and there is only so much of this you can blame on hormones.

Trouble is,I know her,and I know she will cut off her nose to spite her own face.

What this means practically,that if i ring,I surpect she won't answer (think I cought her off guard because i rang at 9.45,when i wouldn't normally).So I keep ringing,she keeps ignoring

She will then cut me out and I will lose contact with my grandaughter too,and i would have like to have been support for when her new baby arives-very shortly-mainly because I know how stressed she gets-she gets periodic depression and has other issues with food. I am scared for her.

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sarah7777 · 03/09/2008 10:09

But I am also scared for me. I realised after the last time it is taking its toll on me,my health.

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smithfield · 03/09/2008 10:51

'I know how stressed she gets-she gets periodic depression and has other issues with food. I am scared for her.'

I think this line says a lot about your relationship with your daughter.
Obviously I dont know you and cant pretend I know enough about your relationship from what you post, but you do sound like perhaps you are 'over-involved' as a mother?

If your daughter percieves that you are helping because you feel she can not live/exist without your help that would be very damaging to her self esteem.
It would probably be where the anger towards you comes from.

It would also explain why she'... still has a lot of growing up to do.' Your daughter may feel that actually you dont want her to grow up and you would prefer her to remain dependant on you.

Please dont take anything I say as a criticism but as an objective insight from what you have written here.
You are obviously a very caring mother but caring is also about knowing when to let go.

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sarah7777 · 03/09/2008 11:09

I have a son too though,he doesn't have these issues.

She lives far away-how involved can I get.

It's not just me she is angry with.

I don't take your comments as criticism though,thank you for replying.

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more · 03/09/2008 11:32

You can't blame her for missing her daughter though and wanting her back when she was told that she was going to get her back. Is it really just you that have a driving license in this family? Does your OH, son, Son In Law not drive?
One thing I don't understand is if you were feeling that horrible, the last thing you would need is a little girl to look after.

If you really want her to grow up, then you need to let her, if that makes sense. Let her know that you love her, and if she ever needs you, you will do your best to be there for her in a way that she needs you to be there for her (but only if you actually mean it).

Please also bear in mind that her hormones are all over the place at the moment.

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sarah7777 · 03/09/2008 11:39

My OH has a job that involved him working the weekend.

My daughter said her partner only had one day off and would be too tired.

No,I was feeling horrible,and clearly I didn't ned a little girl to look after,I am not sure what you think I could have done.

Believe me at 47,after a week, I was more than ready for her to go home!!

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sarah7777 · 03/09/2008 11:42

My son did not have a car, but he had just had a split fom his partner,as I said.

Can't believe you are disbelieving I wanted her to go home. In fact, I was prepaed to drive he,my Oh and his paents wouldn't let me-and they were right.

Also,of course i knew my daughter was missing her,I fully understood,but what could I have done?

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smithfield · 03/09/2008 11:58

But your son is not your daughter, they are two seperate people. You cant hold one up as an example to how the other should or shouldnt behave.

And I do believe that a mother can still be overinvolved emotionally despite physical distance.
I think if you truly want to get to the bottom of your relationship with your daughter you need to perhaps be willing to take 'some' of the responsibility for it. (as in the relationship)

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more · 03/09/2008 12:02

47 is young though .

Honestly I think the "blame" so to speak lies with your OH. The way I would have wanted that to have gone was, you started not feeling well, your OH (and his family) should have offered to take your grandchild home early (i.e. Oh dear you don't look as if you are feeling too great. Tell you what sweetheart, as soon as I finish work I will drive "grandchild" home so that you can get some proper rest, because this is not doing either of you any good".). Even if that means OH taking half a day off work in order to help you, your daughter and granddaughter out.

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ladylush · 03/09/2008 12:10

Sarah I think that although your dd sounds quite troubled in many ways, that you are being overly accommodating of her behaviour and in trying to help her you are maybe in some way perpetuating her behaviour. It sounds as though she has unresolved issues from the past and resents you on some level. Yet she is quite happy for you to look after her dd. She can't have it both ways. She is an adult woman now and she needs to deal with this in an adult way. If you are unable to speak to her about this without her ranting and raving, you could write her a letter. I also think that you need to have some limits and boundaries. Yes, she may use her dd as emotional blackmail - that is a risk you have to take because she could do that at any time.

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smithfield · 03/09/2008 12:11

Yes 47 is very young . And agree with more, someone could have perhaps stepped in and helped lighten 'your' load by offering to take Gd back.

Maybe take a step back let your daugher cool down and then send her a note saying you are there when she is ready to talk.

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ladylush · 03/09/2008 12:13

I also think it is very selfish to expect you to drive 3.5 hours and not let you stay the night (esp. when you have been looking after her daughter).

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sarah7777 · 03/09/2008 12:25

My OH is a director of a company and starts work at 7.30 in the morning, and has a very responsible job. He is not in a position to just take half a day off unfortunately.

yep 47 is young,does that stop me gettin ill.

The only other people were my Ohs parents-they look after their own grandchilden,but it is not their responsibility to take my grandaughter back. Really the Father was the obvious person,but he was going to watch a firt division football match.

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platypussy · 03/09/2008 12:25

Under the circumstances I think your daughters partner should have pulled out all the stops to pick up your gd. You were ill for goodness sake. I think your daughter is being unreasonable.

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sarah7777 · 03/09/2008 12:27

Ladylush, I agree I have been over accommodating,and I think I have taught her to believe this is ok to treat me like that-I have learned now.Apologies for my typing btw-I have a couple of keys missing!!

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ladylush · 03/09/2008 12:28

If you don't mind me saying, this situation is not the main problem. It is a red herring imo. There are obviously more deep rooted issues that your dd needs to address

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sarah7777 · 03/09/2008 12:30

Platypussy, I agree,but her patner doesn't like making the long jouney to us,so if i want to get to see my grandaughter it is all on their terms- I have to accept that,and I am lucky if I am allowed to see look after her,or visit once evey sixth months.

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ladylush · 03/09/2008 12:30

Sarah - at least you have that awareness. Be patient. It can still work but she needs to put some work in too. It can't be you who compromises all the time.

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platypussy · 03/09/2008 12:31

I think it sometimes happens that with some children, the more the parent does for them, the worse (the parents) are treated!

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sarah7777 · 03/09/2008 12:32

There are deep rooted issues,but in the meantime I am having to learn how to protect myself from this.

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more · 03/09/2008 12:43

"yep 47 is young,does that stop me gettin ill." Sorry I don't understand what you want with that comment?

You are probably going to get really angry with me now (have a feeling you are "just" angry with me now), but it sounds to me that you are not really wanting anybody's help. If you were feeling that badly, then you could, and probably should, have asked your son to help. You said yourself he was virtually jobless. It would have been a small favour he could have done for you considering that he is now living at home. He could have borrowed your car if he himself is without a car at the moment.

"I do so many small thoughtfull things for her,too numerous to mention,including financial,that the pain of how I am treated is just too hard to bear." These kind of things should come with no strings attached. My parents used to do this as well then expecting that I should live my life the way they wanted me to because of all the things they did for me.

"My OH is a director of a company and starts work at 7.30 in the morning, and has a very responsible job. He is not in a position to just take half a day off unfortunately." My point of view is that somebody's health is more important than a job. You might not be there tomorrow but the people on the other end of the phone and the pile(s) on his desk is.

"The only other people were my Ohs parents-they look after their own grandchilden,but it is not their responsibility to take my grandaughter back." You are absolutely right. It is not their responsibility.

"Really the Father was the obvious person,but he was going to watch a firt division football match." Then you should just have told them to come get her.

The bottom line for me is still that if you really needed help then you should have "demanded" it whether it be from your son in law, your son, your husband, your daughter, some other family member or a friend. If you are too sick to make it out of your bed (bathroom) you should stay in your bed (bathroom) and ask for help. 48 hour bugs are not funny and they include a lot of time spent in the bathroom, not discussions on the phone or looking after grandchildren.

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sarah7777 · 03/09/2008 13:06

My son is not jobless,he was planning to transfer with his company,but when the relationship,flat and re-location fell through ( because of the relationship breakdown), he managed to transfer to yet another branch,and as he had taken some unpaid leave,he too could not afford to lose his job by taking time off-plus he wasn't insured to drive. I think I have justified myself enough now. He had passed his test a few weeks previously and was not insured to drive either of our cars.

I have already explained what the bug entailed,and it did not involve sickness or diorrohea.

As an example of a thoughtful thing I did- I brought my daughter i nice tshirt/dress (or so i thought from my holiday. I posted it to her,because i wanted her to have it sooner rather than later. After a few weeks I asked her if she had got it,she said "yes,but it won't fit me afterwards." No "thank you."

My in-laws collect together outgown baby equipment and kindly pass it on to her-i have asked her if she would write them a note or ring them,she wont.

a thank you would have been nice.

thats all i meant.

n't come here to start arguing with you,I have no desire to do that.

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ladylush · 03/09/2008 13:16

Sarah I agree - you need to protect yourself.
More I think you're being a bit harsh tbh.

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